Lost in guilt

I lost the love of my life on March 17th. He had been clean almost a year since his last relapse. He inspired and helped so many people. Everyone thought he was a success story. I found him unresponsive after apparently using heroin laced with fentanyl. I was 38 weeks pregnant and he was so excited. He had never been happier or healthier. He constantly thanked me for the happiest years of his life.

Now looking back I realize he had been using for over a week before his death. I feel so guilty for missing the signs. If I had caught it earlier he might still be here. If I had paid more attention, checked his call logs and GPS... I could have caught it right away. I let my guard down and now he is gone forever. Maybe if I wasn't so tired and cranky, hadn't snapped at him... made sure he wasn't so stressed out. The night before I know something was going on. If I just searched and found the drugs I could have thrown them away. I also feel so guilty for not finding him sooner that morning. I was right upstairs while he was dying alone in the bathroom. Maybe if I found him earlier they could have brought him back.

He was the sweetest, most amazing man in the world and the best stepfather. My kids are devastated and now I'm about to have a new baby all alone. I just can't believe he is really gone. He loved us so much and he tried so hard but struggled with PTSD and depression. I wish he had just talked to me and told me the truth. I would have done anything to help him. I'm so sorry and I miss him so much every second of every day.

 

I'm so sorry. My son struggled with substance abuse, which was ultimately what he passed away from. We always want to believe we could have done something different. I guess I just never realized how bad it was for him because he was a grown man. He moved out of my home around 20 years old and was so active, loving and a good person. I believe he hid the true depth of his addiction from me since we lived in different cities, states. You just can't accept any responsibility for what happened, IMO. We can't love someone out of addiction...it just doesn't work. I know my daughter-in-law feels guilty and responsible but she isn't. Please take care of yourself and your beautiful babies. Maybe try Al-Anon or another support group? Big hugs

 

Your story sounds like mine. My son was so smart, college educated, and worked everyday. He lived in a different state than me but when he visited me I didn't notice anything different. When his daughter couldn't contact him by phone she went to his home and found him, he had been dead for 2 or more days. We thought he had died from natural causes but the autopsy should herion acidity. We were shocked none of his family knew nothing about his addiction. I can't believe I didn't pick up on something when he visited me.

 

Yes, it's shocking and we always wish we could have picked up on something. I did think maybe my son drank too much but since he was supporting his family in one of the highest cost of living areas in the country and was so physically active, I wasn't sure. He had a large group of friends, always drinking and BBQiing, hard to know in today's culture. Especially not seeing him all the time, he was 38 when he was in his accident. I was blindsided by the drug use. I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been so difficult. My son died alone in his apartment and was found by his friends the next night. Drugs and alcohol are destroying us in this country, ripping apart families, leaving children without their parents, leaving parents without their kids....

 

Yes it is so true that drugs and alcohol are destroying our young people. Thank you so much for replying. I know I am not the only one going through this but it seems like I am.

 

Our stories are all so similar. I so wish I could have done something to help him. He was 5 days shy of his 29th birthday, had completed rehab, was in IOP, and going to meetings every night. We do not have the toxicology back but we suspect heroine laced with fentanyl. There was an arrest of several dealers in our city yesterday and I hope one of them was his dealer. Third day back to work and here I find myself with my mind wandering and tears flowing, thank God I have an office to hide in. I do okay until this time of day when work slows and my mind starts to have free time. So sorry for your loss and share your pain.

 

My heart breaks for you. I am so lost over the loss of my son. I have voice mails he left me and I listen to them almost daily it gives me comfort to hear his voice. I pray that you can find some comfort in something and I pray for you to have strength to go on.

 

I prayed this morning for strength to make it through the day. I have now just said a prayer for all loved ones going through the same torture I am going through. I so want the pain to subside and my mind to be able to focus again. I have a major issue with one of our directors on our homeowners association board and in the past I would have been able to handle very professionally and I am just dreading this now because I feel so vulnerable and not wanting to deal with anything confrontational at all. Compared to my loss this is just so mundane but to our community it is a big deal.

 

Yes, everyday is so difficult. I'm over a year out now and I have brief moments while I'm working where I don't have the sharp pain but pain is always there. I too saved the last voicemail I had from my son, the day before he died. I finally deleted it off my phone but saved it as a mp3 on my laptop. It's hard to hear the voicemail too because my son had a severe brain injury (he was drunk when he had the accident) and to hear his voice so differently than before his injury brings back the pain of watching him struggle with his screwed up brain. I feel like he passed because he knew he would never be the same and he couldn't deal with it. His autopsy showed no drugs/alcohol in his system but the cause of death was chronic enthanolism, which is alcohol but I think he just gave up.
I am grateful that he did not injure or kill someone else because of his drinking/drug use.
So much pain for us grieving moms.
Thank you for the prayers KJ.

 

I just emailed the detective for the case my son's call logs and text logs for the last month. Maybe I will have gain some peace if this helps in some way because I sure do feel helpless right now. The connection to others with the same pain is helping me not feel so alone, thank you.

 

oh good. My son was married so his wife had all the legal authority, I had none! It was frustrating...so I give birth, raise and love my son for almost 40 years and she is married to him for three years and gets to make all the medical/funeral decisions...ugh...that's another whole story.
It's still very early for you, you're in shock still. It's okay, allow yourself time to feel crazy, unfocused and to just lay around and cry.

 

I have definitely cried tonight, yesterday I thought maybe I will be okay and tonight I just feel so alone. I guess I’ll try to rest and hope tomorrow is better. Goodnight and thanks for listening to my random thoughts.

 

Oh my god ur story is so close to my its uncanny ..my fiance died feb 28th from a herion overdose and it was cut with fentanyl heavily causing the overdose.Im due june 27th with our son and im devistated that hes gone i miss him aooo much so i know your pain im here if u wanna talk

 

I am praying for you Melissyah. I hope your son will be a light in the midst of your pain. I am still struggling so much but each day I get up and hope today will be a little better than yesterday, sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. One day at time is the best I can do right now.

 

I feel like I could have not only done more but knowing I am a part of his pain is a terrible feeling. Long story short, Scott was already in trouble when we met but we both were in active addiction. We started a relationship and he had to go away for 4 months and serve his time. The plan was I get clean and wait for him on the outside and I did everything but ... he got out and was ready to live a sober life with me but I wasnt ready. I feel like he felt that if he wanted our relationship he could help me too and he ultimately relapsed so we were using together again. I found out I was pregnant July of 2020 and immediately cleaned my act up and never looked back. It was not that easy for Scott.. he overdosed March 3, 2021 and I had our baby girl on HIS Birthday 9 days later..... I feel like he would still be here if he never took me back.. but then our little daughter wouldn't either. I dont know how to deal with this.

 

I am also glad I had an office to hide in. I now feel so guilty because of taking my salary when I was doing practically nothing-but I have repented of that and God forgives, if only we could forgive ourselves we would be so much better off.

 

Scott was 9 days shy of his 29th birthday ... wow very similar. I feel like I am just floating around life and numb .. does that make sense? I dont know how to describe it

 

Forgiving myself seems impossible .. but I know he would want me to. Maybe in time that aspect will get easier?

 

I hear you and your comments are a partial explanation of what I feel. I cannot deal with anything confrontational either--even if it is just something distant, such as my husband bringing up the world and nation situation. For some reason I just can't discuss or listen to it. Everything now seems mundane and unimportant, but my husband is absorbed by it. I just want to forget about it all and not discuss anything. I really don't quite understand why I can't be interested in anything any more.