Lost husband to a battle of depression

Just lost my husband of almost 4 years, 6 years together to suicide. He battled for month of depression and being bipolar, he killed himself by poisoning himself nd sadly I witnessed the whole thing. I called the ambulance as I watched my husband fade away nd his words of I love you and I'm sorry, in all this I just was scared nd was crying and shaking I didn't even say it back. I play it back in my head like did he know I loved him, I'm sorry

 

Hi, Lilah.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. You hadn't had much time together before you lost him.
Our son also was bipolar and battled depression. It is a cruel disorder and the battle is excruciating-so painful and tormenting to these dear people. They try so hard to fit in and to please people, but the world is cruel and doesn't want to take time to comfort or understand anyone who is 'different' than the average person. However, they have so much to contribute to life and to others if people would only give them a chance. I learned so very much from my son about kindness-I only hope I can practice it with others.
Your husband's parting words break my heart because I understand the "I'm sorry" part. They try so hard to struggle on and don't want to hurt us, but my thinking is they feel like a burden to us and want to relieve us of that burden. They never understand how valuable and precious they are to us. They have absolutely no idea the impact their departure is going to have on our lives.
I am sure your husband knew you loved him. In Shawn's note he said, "You did your best to understand." That broke my heart because I thought I did understand and I did try to help him in every way I knew how. Some things can only be done by God. God loves these two men even more than we did. One comfort is that they are no longer suffering.

Your reaction of crying, shaking, and not being able to communicate is very normal. You were in an extremely tragic situation and we can only handle so much, especially when it involves our loved one. Later on we begin to questions many things we did or didn't do. Try to be good and gentle with yourself. Having witnessed such a tragedy has had a great impact on you-mentally, physically, and spiritually. You need all the support you can get and sometimes you will have to be the one to comfort and support yourself. I am here for you. Share your feelings because that can be a means to think things through and try to make some sense out of all this.
My heart goes out to you as a fellow sufferer of the loss of a dearly loved one to suicide. May God strengthen and comfort you. Please let me know how you are doing.
Chris