Lost Husband 2/20/2021 Devasted

Nancy,

Sending lots of extra hugs your way... I vividly remember having to pick up Bob's ashes... I'm so grateful my youngest son was able to stay with me for awhile so I didn't have to pick them up alone. My son had to carry the box containing Bob's ashes to the car. I was crying so hard..., the tears streaming down my face... I couldn't stop those tears... It was by far, one of the most horrible moments in my life... The moment when reality hit me full force, reminding me that Bob is truly NEVER!!! coming home again. It is one of those very vivid and painful memories that I don't think I'll ever be able to erase from my mind... I am so grateful for my children!!!, TUTTAM!!! If it wasn't for my three children, even though many miles separate all of us, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through those absolutely, way beyond horrible first few weeks.

My children were grieving/mourning the death of their father, who they also loved with all their hearts..., who was a wonderful role model in their lives as they were growing up, and who always was here for them once they left the "nest." Looking back, I feel like I was very selfish because they were providing me with so much support... I was unable to return any of that support. I was way too devastated to be able to help myself, or even my children. I know my kids don't look at things this way, but I can't help the way I feel. Feelings are feelings, they're not right or wrong, they just "are."

Sending more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, thanks for sharing your experience. We learn so much from each other in situations like this one. My son/family have been with me or I have been with them. A part of me just feels numb like I'm walking through the daily motions of life. I can't read cards that have been sent or brought by. I can't look at pictures or I lose it. If I talk too much about him it's all over. I appreciate the hugs. Returning the hug along with a huge thank you!

 

Lou, I had the funeral director put his ashes in a tiny urn I can move around the house. The rest of his ashes we as a family are discussing what we want to do.

 

Nancy, I'm glad you have William's urn
in your house. One day, Linda startled me
by saying she wished to be cremated. I
hadn't thought about that for either one
of us. Nobody in my family was cremated,
and nobody in Linda's family was either.
I haven't made out a will yet, but I want
my ashes to be with Linda's. I live alone
with no family (Linda was my best
friend AND family). I'm healthy, thank
God, & just not quite ready to do a will,
though I have a good, younger friend,
who could be a witness to the will. Some
people don't mind visiting the grave of a
loved one. But, living in a tough New
England winter, I didn't want to trudge
over to a cemetery. As my good friend,
Deb, says, it all "SUCKS BIG TIME",no
matter what we do. We just have to live
our lives as best we can. Lou

 

Yup, it all sucks. Not a club I am happy to be in.

 

No, it's not a club we want to be in, but we are in it hoping for help, companionship and knowing we're not alone. I have my husband -- Jack ashes here in a walnut box along with my son's ashes in another music box which he enjoyed so much. My son died in 2019 and Jack died 1 year and 3 months afterwards. Both of them are with me here waiting for me to be with them buried in the forest somewhere together. So, I grieve for both my loves.
This is a very hard time for you and given the horror and shock I'm so glad you can connect with us. Blessing to you and your family, Karen

 

Nancy, all we can do is listen &
comfort each other on GIC. We're at
different stages of grief. William's death
is so recent, that your emotions are raw.
Even though it's been over 3 years since
my wife, Linda, died, I remember the
horror I felt a month later,the deep
sadness a year later, and depression 2
years later, partly caused by drinking ,
which, at first relaxed me, but then.
made me MORE depressed. My grief
counselor suggested I stop drinking alcohol, and I did. I feel better
physically & mentally, but still have to
deal with the emotions of grieving. Lou

 

Karen,

Since our conversations last summer (???), time seems to fly by so quickly, even though the minutes making up a day, when slammed by Mr. Grief, can seem endless... I originally was going to scatter half of Bob's ashes in the ocean, in one of his very favorite places, where we shared so many magical moments together, and bury the other half in a National Cemetery. I still plan on having a memorial sometime in the future, but...I'm still NOT!!! strong enough. When I'm not as emotionally fragile, and when my children, and a handful of very close friends, are able to coordinate their schedules, we'll vacation in the Dutch Caribbean, scatter half his ashes over the ocean..., and celebrate his life with a party in his memory... Bob wanted this for us, to be happy..., to enjoy life to the very fullest... I want with all my heart to be able to do this for him... Those floodgates just opened...

Instead of burying the other half of his ashes in a National Cemetery, I've already asked my children, when I'm finally reunited with Bob, to combine our ashes, and bury us in a calm, peaceful place, somewhere near the ocean, underneath a beautiful tree. They are happy to do this for me, but it made them very sad..., they said they weren't ready for this conversation, but I told them although I don't plan on joining Bob soon, only God knows when I'll be reunited with him. I told them how much better I feel knowing I talked to them about my wishes, before it's too late.

Sort of on the same subject,it's illegal to bury more than one person's ashes in the same urn, or even just half of one person's ashes in one urn,in National Cemeteries. However, I doubt anyone except my family and friends, would ever know if I had decided to do this. I think my change of plans, to keep the rosewood box containing half of Bob's ashes with me, until it's my time to be reunited with him, would make him happiest.

It's because of you, that I decided to do this. I'm finally positive this is the right decision for Bob, for me, for both of us. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. If it wasn't for your very sad, but beautiful story, I might not of thought of this. Backing up just a bit, I love that you're going to bury Allen (? I hope this is your son's name, my memory definitely isn't what it used to be!!!, TUTTAM!!!) next to you and Jack... Thinking about all of this, has me reaching for for more tissues...

I hope you have at least one LMSO moment today...

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I know how your family feels not wanting to talk about it, but for me I wanted to know where our resting place will be. I like your ideas to celebrate his life in a beautiful place that means so much. I'm glad you shared with your family, it makes you feel better and it's not depressing at all, it's a relief to know where we will be.