Nancy,
I wish I could reach across the miles and wrap you in the biggest hug ever... I'm so very sorry you and your son witnessed your husband's death. It's making me teary eyed... I "get" that moment of disbelief, of shock, not able to comprehend that your husband, the one true love of your life, has died. It SUCKS!!! Although I wasn't allowed to be with my husband while he was dying, I was made to leave the room,with phone in hand, just as my oldest son, who lives outside of the US, was telling his dad, for what would be the very last time, he loved him, me being escorted out, before my husband who was very weak, could respond. I knew my husband was trying to say something as I was made to leave. I was told to go into the waiting area, but was so upset, I asked if there was a more private place I could wait. The staff let me wait in a small room, what was used as a supply closet, stacked with boxes, with one uncomfortable folding metal chair, and a sink across from it. From this room, I could see the room my husband was in. I could see all medical staff racing into it. Approximately 45 minutes later, I saw someone come out of the room, toss his gloves in a trash can, and quickly walk away. I knew then, Bob, my "person..." was dead. But, even though I knew this, I thought I was in the very worst nightmare I had ever experienced, and would wake to find Bob beside me, his arms wrapped around me, the sun streaming in through the plantation shutters in our bedroom, as we woke up to begin another day.
When I was finally allowed to see him, I will NEVER!!! be able to get that last horrible image of him out of my head... Wrapped in white, the tube still down his throat, attached by a band around his face, lying on that same uncomfortable stretcher, in that same miserable, cold, sterile ER bay, that he had been wheeled into the night before. I ran to him, hugged him..., couldn't let go..., tears streaming down my face..., telling him over and over and over again, how much I loved him... In my head I knew he was dead, but in my heart, I couldn't fully accept this, it was way too surreal... I remember finally being able to leave him. It took every bit of courage I had to walk out of that room,, only to be told by a nurse, that I needed to go back inside Bob's room, wait for a social worker to talk to me before I could leave. If the nurse had any compassion whatsoever, she would have let me wait somewhere else. I DID NOT!!! want to go back into that room, EVER!!! again.
Long story short, when the social worker finally arrived, she routinely handed me a list of funeral homes, made me sign some forms, to this day, I have no idea what I signed, and asked if I wanted someone to escort me to my car. I wanted to be left alone and refused an escort even though it was very early in the morning, the parking lot eerily empty... I got into my car, in the darkness..., crying..., not believing the events of the previous night right up until this moment. My children live far away from me, my oldest couldn't leave the country he lives in because of COVID restrictions, but my youngest son and daughter had booked plane flights. My son arrived that evening, and my daughter, the very next day. Backing up a bit, my children had been on the phone with me since my husband was taken by ambulance the previous night, my youngest son remained on the phone with me during the car ride home that early morning, then my daughter stayed on the phone with me once I arrived home for several more hours, offering to stay on the phone while I tried to sleep. I thanked her, but told her to get as much rest as she could because she had a very long plane flight ahead of her. I couldn't sleep. I had been awake for over 48 hours.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and went for your doctor's appointment. Being gently with yourself, taking care of yourself the best you possibly can, doing all the hard work grief is forcing you to do, will help you continue to move forward... I believe this is the very best way you can honor your husband's memory...
As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
Click to expand...
