Lost Husband 2/20/2021 Devasted

I lost my husband unexpectedly this last Sunday. I have no words other than I adored him and will miss him forever. I am at a loss, in shock and feel like I'll never get over his loss. He was my best friend.
Nancy

 

Oh, my God, Nancy, I am so sorry to hear
about the shocking, sudden death of your
dear husband & soulmate. My wife, Linda.
died suddenly in front of me, from a
pulmonary embolism. She was 68. We
were married 25 years. no children.
Linda was my best ( &only) friend &
family. She died right before Thanksgiving
3 years ago. I was in shock & had to weep
in the home office of a kind grief
counselor. Gradually, I was able to talk
with her about my intense bereavement &
loneliness. She recommended books to
help me. I didn't read them at first, but
then, did, over coffee in the morning.
She also suggested Grief in Common
( GIC), but I didn't join until July of this
year, and I'm really glad I did. I've made
wonderful friends here, & we care about
each other. You were very wise to get on
GIC so soon after your husband's death.
May I ask his name? It has helped me
here, to say Linda's. I noticed from your
info that you're about my age, & that you
live in California. A good friend on GIC,
Karen, is the only one, right now, who
lives there. I live on the northern coast
of Massachusetts. I really hope you can
stay with us on this site. Nancy. Lou

 

Hi Nancy,
My name is Bernadine. My partner of over 20 years died 16 weeks ago.
Kenn had been sick and although his death was anticipated I too feel like I’ll never get over the loss.
There are several people here who’s partners died unexpectedly. I’m certain you will hear from them in the next day or so. We kind of wander around the message board but you’ll find this Loss of Spouse forum active, responsive, kind and most of all understanding.
Be gentle with yourself is something you’ll hear often and it’s an important part of the process because there’s just so much that’s not in our control when it comes to grief.
I can imagine the shock won’t wear off soon, but we’re here and anything goes so whatever you’re feeling this is a safe space.
Welcome, but mostly I’m so sorry your husband died. You’re going to be ok, we’re proof of that. And no promises on how or when ‘cause that’s just not predictable, it’s a hard road but you’ll make it. ~Bernadine

 

Thank you for sharing with me, Bernadine. My husband was my friend and forever person. We had 30 long years togethr.

 

Nancy, I mentioned that my good friend,
Karen, lives in California, like you do. I
forgot Debra, one of our newest members,
lives in Ca. also. I'm glad you met
Bernadine, in Oregon. Sometimes, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll seek
them, bc they would still be awake. I'm
in a different time zone, in Massachusetts.
Lou

 

Lou,
Thank you for the information. I am in California, northern.

 

Nancy, thank you for getting back to me.
I know that my friend, Karen, will want to
welcome you. She is always interested in
hearing from other people in her state. I
noticed in your info that you like the blues.
As is often the case with widowed people,
the first year after their spouses' deaths, I
couldn't listen to ANY music without
sobbing. One day, I played a blues song
that I liked before I met Linda: Hootchie
Cootchie Man, by Muddy Waters. I liked
the beat, & its' sassy tone, Listening to
that one song, opened me up to playing
songs on my smart phone whenever the
spirit moves. I hope you can listen to
music soon, too. Lou

 

Nancy,

I'm so very sorry your husband passed away. I HATE!!! saying this because at times, words seem so shallow, but since they're all we have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am. My husband, Bob, died over ten months ago. Unlike your husband's death, like Bernadine's husband, Kenn's death, his passing was expected. Bob suffered from many serious medical conditions, all treated as chronic health conditions, controlled by many medications. I became his full time caregiver in the beginning of 2018 up until the time he died.

Joining this site was one of the best things I did for myself after he died. I'm not sure how I would make it through this total heartbreak without my GIC friends. As Bernadine as already said to you, this is judgement free place, where we're here to "listen," offer advice, cry together, provide lots of virtual hugs, etc. etc. etc., share a few laughs too. Although we sometimes offer advice, take it or leave it, either way it's okay!!! No matter what you do, we will be here for you.

Lost my train of thought, and will blame it on my foggy widow brain. Sadly, something just about all of us can relate to. Stopping here (for now). I hope you'll stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the chance, to get to "know" you.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,
Thank you for sharing. And I REALLY appreciate your comment on listening to music. My husband and I had the blues or any type of music on throughout the day in our home. I have not been able to listen to any music. When I'm driving I keep it silent. If I listen since this was a passion we shared, I lose it. Thank you for letting me know this was normal for you.

 

Deb,
I embrace your kind support. That is why I looked for a site of this nature right away. I am a social worker, professor, clinician, so I am aware of grief. But as we all know, it's different when it's you. I am really sorry you lost your husband after providing care to him. I often share with my college students caregiving burnout loved ones.
My husband had a ruptured aorta in his stomach and apparently didn't stand a chance of survival. I feel blessed to have spent 30 years with my best friend. I've been staying with my son but returned home today to actually spend the night or weekend. Heartbreaking. And yes, I will be actively involved with everyone here. I need as much support as I can get so I don't lose my sanity. Thank you!!
Nancy

 

Nancy, I am so glad you will stay with us
on GIC. I feel very close to the people
here. In spite of the horror, shock, &
sadness over the death of your soulmate,
you will eventually find some humor
here ( though hard to believe right now).
My grief counselor recommended The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. I tried to read the 1st
chapter, but I had to put it away, bc I was
sobbing. My situation with Linda's death
was so similar to Jonathan's, when Joy, his
wife of 40 years, died suddenly in front
of him. I let some time go by, & picked
up the book again, & read it over coffee.
It's an honest, sad, & sometimes funny
portrait of a long marriage. I suggested
this book , as well as Permission to
Mourn, by Tom Zuba, to GIC, & people
here talk about the books sometimes. I
call my friends here, The Grief Warriors,
( TGW). Lou

 

Hello Nancy. I’m terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your husband so suddenly. The same thing happened to me 9 1/2 months ago. my girlfriend Cheryl had a cardiac arrest while sleeping and died suddenly. Cheryl had no known health issues and there were no warning signs. Cheryl’s cardiac arrest was caused by obstructive sleep apnea. We had a nice meal together the night before and watched TV. How little did I know that the hug I gave Cheryl that night would be our last. Shock times infinity explained how I felt. And still feel at times. But I have healed a little. Please google “six needs of reconciliation for the mourner”. this will jumpstart you on your grief journey and will confirm how we all think we’re going crazy after a loss. I found a local Visiting Nurses that has grief support meetings. Unfortunately the meetings are only once every two weeks. I started therapy also. Like Deb said be very kind and gentle with yourself. Losing a spouse shatters our world into a million pieces. I was told not to make any sudden changes because our thought processing has been compromised. There’s so much to learn. Your advantage is you found GIC so quickly. I found GIC five months ago. Where can we express our grief? I became extremely uncomfortable having emotional outbursts while talking to friends and family about losing Cheryl. But at GIC I’m no longer alone. You are among many wonderful caring compassionate people here. You can jump in on any other thread at any time and talk with everyone. Debra and Helena just recently found GIC also. I hope you stay with us. Gary

 

Amen, brother Gary. Your words have
become more powerful, since we first met.
Your heartbreaking story with Cheryl,
matches mine with Linda. I suggested
the 2 books by Jonathan & Tom Zuba, to
Nancy, & told her about TGW. Lou

 

Again, Bernadine, I really appreciate your kindness and support.

Van,
Again, I appreciate your sharing. I am looking to grief counseling myself.

 

Gary, so sorry for your loss. Shock times infinity is a good way to frame the loss of our loved ones. I am a social worker, professor, and clinician. Unfortunately, I know the steps to recover from grief. Teaching and treating others is quite different than experiencing such a devasting loss. As someone in the field of social worker is why I found this so quickly. I knew I'd lose my sanity if I didn't connect with others with similar experiences. My family is supportive. However, their lives are moving forward while mine stopped. I know they understand, but I still feel alone.

 

Nancy, please call me Lou, I used Van
Gogh as my user name, bc , I was a
tortured soul when Linda died, & I
identified with another tortured soul
like Van Gogh. May I ask your husband's
name? It made me feel better to say Linda's
name when I talked with my grief
counselor. Lou

 

Hi, Nancy
And I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband!! My heart goes out to you. And I completely agree that although you know what grief is, it us different when it happens to you. It is extremely heartbreaking, and so extremely painful for us, and we need the support and the strength to continue getting through each day, as well as to keep our sanity. I loss my husband on February 11th, and so I know exactly how you are feeling. My days have not been good, and my nights even worse.
And then there is watching two children go through this extreme grief on top of mine...
And I will be here to support you, so please feel free to reach out to me anytime...
Debra

 

Debra, I'm so glad you reached out to
comfort Nancy. You are a new member,
& Keith's death is so recent, and your
emotions are raw. I told Nancy that
Karen & you live in her state of
California, & I had hoped both of you
would respond to Nancy. Lou

 

Deb,
Thank you. My memory is so foggy I am not sure if I thanked you and responded. I will be actively involved in this site. I don't want to lose my mind.