Lost both parents within three days

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Dr Barb, Aug 16, 2019.

  1. Dr Barb

    Dr Barb New Member

    Right now my heart is heavy it is broken it is aching. My mother died one week ago today as a result of Alzheimer's. Actually she fell on July 4th and fractured her pelvis. Of course when you have dementia that just seems to put it into fast forward. We had just moved my parents from Florida to our home to live with us. We bought a brand new house it was wonderful and have a separate area just for them. My mother had dementia my father had pulmonary fibrosis. We wanted them closer and we were delighted to be able to do this. In may we began our new adventure. And then on July 4th Mom cell. Because of her dementia she wasn't doing well with rehab. She didn't understand and she was often times combative. I finally decided to just go ahead and bring her home. Bring her home with hospice and let her be here with us and with Dad. While she was in the hospital my dad began to have a lot of pain in his rib area and that seemed to continue. He was on oxygen he had lost about 50 lb life was rough but he was so glad to be with us. Dad watch daily as mama was turned and cleaned I know it was hard on him. I've resigned myself that Mama was going to die and for four days she was non-responsive. To use of morphine love and care she continue to survive and she died on Friday a week ago today while I was holding her in my arms lying next to her. The two things she worried most about was my sister who is ill and my father so I whispered in her ears I will take care of Daddy I will take care of sissy now go home and be with Jesus. Within a minute she took her last breath. Daddy's response was good because he knew she was no longer suffering. My focus was so divided at this point caring for Dad helping him cuz he was so weak and needed to be taken to the bathroom and he wasn't eating well etcetera and then taking care of cremation in my own grieving and people coming to visit. Monday morning Dad awakened it was a bad day urinated on himself he was so weak he couldn't walk further than 20 feet without help and always with help. Being distracted with visitors and my pastor coming to visit my husband and I Daddy was alone for a couple hours in his bed. When I went back to check he was dead. We also believe that he took some of his Xanax. Although I'll never exactly know. My daddy was my rock and my refuge he was my joy he was my delight and my gift. 61 years of age you would think I would be able to just handle this so well but it's too hard. Losing both in 3 days. They lived good lives 92 and 93 years old. Their legacy is wonderful. I'd resigned myself and worked into my mama going. But I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Daddy. And so now I ate I hurt who is going to be the person that Revels in my accomplishments? Who's going to be the one that's happy to hear me? Who's going to be the one that says you're my angel you're one in a million? This is what I have a hard time with. Thank you for reading and listening.
    SallyO likes this.
  2. SallyO

    SallyO New Member

  3. SallyO

    SallyO New Member

    Oh honey I’m so sorry. I understand those words you need to hear from your Dad. But if you close your eyes you can hear them. I’m 59 and feel like a fool being such a mess but they were our worlds. My situation is different as my Mom died 25 years ago and my Dad in January. He was the picture of health and life until his current horrible wife rode him into to ground with her constant needing for everything. Insisting he did it all and my Dad was very loyal. I believe he stopped trying in the end to get away from her. Your Dad probably needed to be with your Mom. Try thinking how happy they are together and know one day you will be with them again. Not that it takes away your pain but talk about them all the time. Talk to me or people here. Keep telling people how awesome they were. Keep their love and spirit alive. They are with you. Watch for the signs. They are there. I got my Dads signature saying I love you tattooed on my wrist. Now he’s always there. Helped me but might not be your thing and that’s ok. Just know people here care.
  4. Aurelien

    Aurelien New Member

    It sounds as though you and your husband were their angels as well. I can only send you warm hugs as comfort. Words will come in time to you and you will find so much comfort in the love your parents gave you. Be gentle with yourself the way they were. Meantime I wish you deep peace.
  5. KimAW

    KimAW New Member

    Dr Barb, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of both of your parents in a few days. I had a similar experience last summer. My father, age 90, had been on dialysis for nearly 7 years, but was growing weaker and it was clear his body was longer tolerating the dialysis well. He was in and out of the hospital a few times over the summer, but then went in on a Friday evening with atrial fibrillation, and died peacefully on Sunday morning. My mom, age 88, had some mild dementia, osteoporosis, and also had a pacemaker, but nothing that appeared to be imminently life-threatening. She died suddenly 18 days later, apparently of heart failure. While it is possible that her pacemaker failed, we just all came to the conclusion that she died of a broken heart after their 70-year marriage. The dementia and the isolation from the covid restrictions at the time made it all so unbearable for her and I know she just didn’t want to live without him. I was somewhat prepared for my father’s death and had done a lot of anticipatory grieving. However, my mother’s death was a complete shock and I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye to her. They lived 500 miles from me, so I didn’t see them every day, but had been in close daily contact for the previous year or so. I barely had time to begin grieving my father’s death after returning home from the funeral when I got the call about Mom. We turned around and went back immediately for her funeral, and then my brother and I had only a week to clean out their apartment and dispose of their belongings. That was almost as hard as saying goodbye to them. It wasn’t a house that we had lived in, but it did represent “home” to me. It was awful to have to go through all their clothes and personal belongings so quickly without having time to process. I am coming up on the first anniversary of their deaths, and I find I still have so much to work through, but it does get easier. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort and feel their presence even though they are no longer physically present with you. I do have moments like that, and that is when I feel the most comforted and at peace. I think the love never goes away.