To start things off my kids dad was murdered on fathers day 2020. I thought that would be the most horrible thing that happened to me and my family. November 19 2020 we lost my dad unexpectedly and then December 11 2020 I got a call from my fiance that I wasn't expecting it hit me so hard it knocked the wind right out of me. That morning was a normal morning well as normal as normal could get for me after losing to very important people in my life within 5 months. My fiance took my mom to her chemo treatment she was fine. She had been given 6 months to live about a month before but that morning she was fine. Yes I knew it was coming but not then not that day not after just losing my dad weeks before. I was At work my phone rang, it was my fiance. We had just spoke 20 mins prior to this call, he was excited about a job he had just gotten. I answered and the tone that came through the phone I knew something wasn't right. My mom had coded at the cancer center during her treatment and had been rushed to the hospital. Seems like it took forever getting there. On the way I spoke to the nurse at the cancer center,she was honest,it doesn't look good she said. As I'm walking in my mom's cancer Dr is calling me, I'm so sorry I did everything I could please keep me posted. She was alive but barely. She was on a ventilator that she was depending on 100%. My mom fought cancer for 3 years. She fought her hardest fight from that day at chemo Friday December 11 2020 til the next Friday December 18 2020 at 4:53 the strongest woman I have ever known slipped away right before me as I held her hand and fought back tears so she didn't feel bad about leaving. It's funny i thought telling my kids their dad was gone that they had to bury a parent before stepping foot in a high-school was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Going to the emergency room being walked into a family waiting room waiting for 3 minutes that seemed like a life time for a doctor to tell me my dad my person was gone I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Calling my mama the woman who loved my daddy for 50 yrs and telling her he was gone was pretty hard. Planning a funeral something I have never done picking out the last thing my daddy would wear writing his obituary and making sure I put a person's whole life onto a piece of paper and giving him the service he deserved as my daddy, I thought that was hard. Sitting by my moms hospital bed praying she would get better,then watching the changes that death did to her body slowly day by day, then sitting there watching her take her last breath wanting to fix her to make her better, to take care of her the way she had done me all these years,knowing I still need her and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I thought that was the hardest thing I have ever done. Living without them all going through so much in such a small period of time, watching my kids be broken before they could ever discover who they really are, not being able to fix it, and having the feeling that I can't stop to breathe to take it all in because if I do the grief may overcome me all of it all of these things was the hardest thing I have ever done and I'm not sure where to go from here. How does life work without them. Nothing feels familiar anymore everything is different dark and cold. I'm getting married in 2 months and I'm too depressed and anxious to focus on planning a wedding. I just want to go back,back to when I THOUGHT things were hard.