I was 17 when I lost my mom to cancer at the age of 47. I watched her suffer for 6.5 years before she finally passed.. and it wasn't even the cancer that killed her, really. She suffocated. She fell one night after getting out of her bed while everyone was asleep and was too weak to move after wards. Her face was on the pillow and she was unable to breath and slowly passed. My dad woke up to find her shortly after. A year and a half later, I lost my dad. He was murdered by a neighbor of ours that we had known for many years. He was on drugs and enraged for reasons unknown. My dad's death has been the crippling one. I have made peace with my mom's.. I had years to come to terms with it. Not my dad's. It's still so painful. I have cried all night tonight. Many nights are spent this way. It's been almost 6 years and the pain is a deep as it was the night he was killed. Complicated Grief is an actual disorder and though I haven't been diagnosed, I'm certain that I've been dealing with it. I recently just had a baby and as hard as the grief has affected me already, now it's harder. I have no other living adult relatives in my life. Both parents are gone. My grandmother, the only one I ever knew, passed 5 months before my dad did. My other grandparents are passed on, not that I ever knew them. Aunts and uncles aren't in my life. They live states away and never had anything to do with my family as a child, therefore I don't know them either. It's just me and my siblings. I have no one to turn to when life feels heavy.