Lost both my sons, my oldest (21) in 2001 and now my baby (23) 02/20/2023

I lost my son Joey in 2001 due to suicide, and now I lost my remaining son Alex 2/20/2023. I have an immense emptiness in my life now. I'm uncertain how to move forward. My youngest Alex was my best friend, my fishing buddy, my work mate. Everywhere I go there's a trigger that makes me realize there is a huge hole in my life now. Alex was a baby when his half-brother Joey passed. Alex helped me grieve and mend after Joey's passing. Now, Alex is gone. Alex had his own demons and we fought them together and beat them in 2019. Alex went into rehab for an opioid addiction. He came out the other end a better person and everyone noticed the change. He was very much loved throughout the community and had a positive impact on a great deal of people especially our customers (which makes it very difficult to go to work now). My wife is severely grief stricken and will not talk to me very much and pushes me away. She was very supportive after my son Joey's passing (but he was not her child). I do not know how to help my wife as well as myself. My wife seems to be able to talk about day to day and work with others but, cannot speak to me about anything. We have been together for 30 yrs., and I don't know what I would do if I lost her.
The main problem I'm having is lack of sleep, I cannot sleep, and this affects everything else.

 

I am very sorry for your losses and can very much identify with what you are going through. There really are no words for someone at a time like this, but I would like to share what has happened to me, hoping in some small way it may help you. We too lost our 28 year old son to suicide in Dec. 2000. He was very troubled and probably had manic depression like his Grandma who had a severe case of it. He also had a very severe sleep disorder and ADHD. He possible and probably was also autistic. So you see he was dealing with a tremendous load he had to deal with. He began using drugs hoping to relieve some of this torment but it only made it worse. I know the overwhelming heaviness of this grief which feels unbearable. I also considered suicide and even had a plan but I knew I was not mentally ill like my son and that it would not be acceptable to God which is what saved me from doing it. I took a long, long time before I could function again. I suppose this is somewhat what your wife is going through. My problem was kind of the opposite of hers in a way. (I am sharing this so maybe it can help you to understand what is going on with her and help you to suppport her.) My husband could not stand to see my cry and would not talk about what happened so I had to go in the closet or bathroom to cry and lacked the support sharing would have brought. He still will not talk about Shawn to this day. It reminds me of what you described about your wife not talking to you. She may be able to talk to others about day to day and work because it is impersonal. Right now it is probably overwhelming to her to even think about what happened. I still have to remind myself that I can't think about what happened when it pops up in my mind. That is the only way I found to deal with it. I can only say be patient with her. Support her in any of her feelings. Be understanding and don't try to 'make it better' or tell her how to 'get over it'. Be kind and loving in any way you can think of even if it is not by talking. Help her with whatever needs to be done in the household for she probably is not capable of doing many things herself. I know you are suffering greatly yourself and are worried about your marriage. Don't try to force her to do anything she can't, even if it is not talking with you. Just support and love her in any way you can think of. Maybe suggest a short walk reassuring her she doesn't need to talk if she doesn't feel like it. Neither of you need to feel pressured in any way because it is too much to add more pressure after what you have been through. Look for ways to be kind. Accept her for what she is right now for she will not always be this way and neither will you. Take care of your health. It is so important. Take walks outside and do whatever eases your pain a little. Talk to your Dr. about the fact that you can't sleep. But most important, look to God for answers and help. He loves you and will help you if you draw near to Him and ask. Jesus is named the 'Prince of Peace' in the scriptures. The only thing that kept me going was the sure thought that I knew He would help me. I just kept holding on and expecting Him to help and He did. It was a slow process but don't ever give up on God and don't give up on your wife or yourself.
Sending support and love to you and your wife,
Chris

 

Thank You, Chris
I have been trying to give my wife space, but I sit alone and worry that it will further divide us. Over the years we just raised the children and worked all of the time, with one of us coming from work and the other going. I work in the air conditioning/refrigeration field and my wife works in the restaurant industry. After our daughter went off to college it was the three of us my wife, son and me. With us working allot our son was left with his demons and one night O.D'd and basically died in our home. I believe it was fate that our son and I had taken a First Aid/ CPR course a month before this (he wanted to get his charter captain's license, and this was one of the requirements). I performed CPR on him until the EMT's arrived. He was in the hospital in a coma for 3 days, I couldn't leave the hospital. Because my oldest son was out of the state when he died, I felt I had to be there to protect my son from whatever. After his hospital stay, he agreed to rehab. When he came out of rehab, he was his old self again. Then the old grind started again, and we fell into the old pattern of work, work, work. Luckily our son had a job as well, but it was not something he enjoyed. The pandemic hit and the company I was working for made cuts and me being the old guy, I got cut. I decided to start our own A/C company that my son could continue on after I got too old and/or passed on. My son's passion was the ocean and fishing, and his dream was to be a charter captain. I told him charters are a dime a dozen around here and it would be hard to compete. Plus, he would be at the mercy of his customers as to when and where he would go. If we just worked this company and grew it, he could buy his own boat and go when/where he wanted to go. We did pretty well, and all the customers loved the kid. I was quite shocked at how well he interacted with the customers because he was always a shy and quiet kid. After we started the company, my life became a little less hectic and being that we operated out of our house, I was here when my wife left for work and most of the time when she came home from work. I felt like we were growing closer because we talked about our day, and my son and I would cook dinner or pick up something. Everything was good. Now, I can't function My son and I did most everything together we worked together, fished, went to car/truck shows, everything. I couldn't bring myself to work these past few weeks because the pain of doing it without my son is too much. Luckily my nephew does AC work and has been taking our calls. Last night a customer called, and I decided it may be time to try to do this. I struggled to put on my work clothes and get in the truck and drive to the call. I was doing fine until I arrived, and this sweet lady asked, "where's your partner"? I fell apart, luckily this lady was very kind and hugged me and talked to me for a while. Now, I'm uncertain if I can go out again and have this scenario repeat itself. My wife is really not ready to go back to work and I feel like I'm failing her by not being able to work, and the bills aren't stopping.
I have been trying to find a therapist and/or group that I can go to for help. I'm limited because I do not have insurance and my Medicare won't kick in until May. I've looked at church's and such but, they are too religious for me. I'm spiritual but not that religious. My Family was Catholic growing up and my grandfather was a devote Catholic. I lost much of my Catholic faith after my grandfather's passing. My grandfather gave allot of his time and money to the Catholic church and school. When he was sick and in the hospital, we asked the Priest at our parish if he could visit and give our grandfather a blessing. The response was he was too busy at that time. This was the first in a series of events that soured my relationship with the church. I believe there is a higher power or powers and I talk to spirits when I'm thankful or need help, but my religion is more based on nature than anything else.
I did find a group that is free of charge and after only one meeting seems to help. But we only meet once a week and the in between is hard to deal with. The pastor that handled our son's service has been good, he helps. I just need to figure out how I can calm my mind and get some sleep it's really starting to affect me . Melatonin is not working anymore. I need to sleep.

 

I am glad you are able to share your true feelings here. Thhis website has many individual and group counseling sessions; however, they charge for each one.
If you want to go to the website, 'Griefshare.org' and click on 'Find a Group', there are many online groups and also in-person groups. There might be one meeting close to you, and if not, you could join one of the online groups. Maybe this would be some support in between the group you are already meething with.

I am a co-chair person to a group where we live. There is no charge and you could join more than one group if you wanted.
I am sorry you had such a bad experience with the church and I can understand how hurtful that could have been. Just remember that this was just one human being who had faults and let you dowon when you really reached out for support; however, this was not God. The Bible tells us that our God is a God of all compassion and his mercies are from everlasting to everlasting. God is love and His love is perfect, but as humans our love often falls short . Keep the pastor who handled your son's service in your life. This is one opportunity to receive some badly needed support.

How do you feel about going to your medical Dr. to see how he might help with your sleeping problem My husband had the same problem and sleeping pills were a big help. You have been through some serious trauma and there is nothing wrong with taking some medicine for awhile until you get through this most difficult part of living with grief.
How very very hard it is to be separated from the boys we love so much. Grief is a very difficult road to walk down. Be patient and good to yourself. Be kind. You need that so badly.
Just a reminder that Jesus can give "the peace that passes all understanding." He loves you and cares about your pain.
Sending comfort and peace to you my friend,
Chris

 

Thanks Chris
I tried GriefShare they have meetings near me. When I filled out the online form, I received a call from someone with the group and they wanted to talk to me before I sat in on the group. when my sister and I met with her I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy. I couldn't move forward with the group. I am not anti-religion because of my past experiences, my beliefs have just changed.
I do not have medical insurance, so I visited an online medical site and was prescribed a anti-depressant medication. It has helped a little, but I still have trouble sleeping. My Medicare won't kick in until May, I'm still looking for an alternative for sleep.

 

Hi. I am sorry the GriefShare did not work out for you. Below are some websites that might be helpful. I don't care for yoga, but I do think there are a few just general suggestions which might be a little helpful.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

https://www.helpguide.org/meditations/bedtime-meditation-for-sleep.htm

If you would like to talk with a specially trained bereavement counsellor, try this website: https://www.muchloved.com/gateway/grief-resources/grief-chat/
This is a free service and they can also direct you to other resources.

Also on this Grief in Common website, you can chat with other people who are greiving by clicking on the LIVE CHAT button at the top of this page.

I care about you and the other people who post here understand how hard this is because they have all suffered losses.
Please stay in touch.
Chris

 

Thank you, Chris
You're so very kind. I will try your recommendations.
Joe

 

Please let me know how you are continuing to do.
Chris

 

I'm having a rough time, I can't sleep more than 3-4 hrs a night.

 

I am so sorry. I know you do not have insurance right now. In this area we have a County health Dept. that provides free services for those in need of them.
If you look this up by searching _______Health Department. Put your county name in the blank and see if anything comes up.
You might also try contacting your local hospital and ask for the social worker. She or he might know of some resources close to you who would be willing to help.
I hope one of these works. You need something to help you sleep so your body can get the rest it needs to repair everything that has been attacked.
If none of this works, let me know and I might be able to think of another route to get you some sleeping pills.
Take care of yourself as best you can so that when you have made it through this terrible tragedy by the grace of God, you will still have your health.
Praying for comfort and healing for you,
Chris

 

Thanks Chris, I'm going to group with AVOW Care. I've only been to one but, it helped a little. I have another one today. I'll try your suggestions because the lack of sleep is really getting to me.
Thanks for your kindness and prayers I need all I can get.
❤

 

So glad to hear that you are going to a group. Sometimes when we talk things through it makes it clearer for us even without anyone else even having to say anything. Is your group in person or online?
Let me know how your session goes today.
Chris

 

It's in person, I may get in one that fills the gaps because it's only once a week. It was alright today. We were encouraged to remember good times, but those brought me to tears because I couldn't help feeling there wouldn't be anymore.
I'm going tomorrow to finish a job Alex and I were supposed to do the morning it happened. I'm praying I can make it through.

 

Our son and my husband also worked together. My husband was a painting contrator. Shawn liked to work in the evenings when everything was quiet. One evening I stopped by to see him on my way to church. Just before I left I asked him if he wanted me to come back after church to keep him company. He said it was up to me and then he said something I still hold dear

 

then he said something I still hold dear:

"Even when you're not here, you're still with me.
Even though you and Alex are temporarily separated physically, he is and will always be in your heart.
May God give you strength to get through the pain.
Chris

 

I keep telling myself that, And I talk to him when I'm driving. We always spotted old cars or especially old trucks and I still remark out loud "Alex, did you see that truck?, Nice.
I just miss the response.
I have some of his ashes in a locket hanging on my rearview mirror.

 

I understand how hard this is. So many things still remind me of Shawn, even though it has been a long time since my loss.
I've heard some people say, "Are you afraid you will forget him?" They don't realize what an absurd question that is. I am just glad they don't understand
because it would take them suffering a similar loss to be able to understand. Of course I will never forget him until I see him face to face on the other side of this present world.
I am glad the ashes give you some comfort. Everyone experiences grief in differently in their own way of coping. I can't bear to see pictures or anything that belonged to him because of the pain it causes. The only way I found to be able to bear the loss was, as soon as thoughts began coming into my mind, I would say, "No, you are not going to think about that". Then try to distract myself with something else. I guess that is not the best way to cope, but it was the only way I knew to get through it.
I hope you got through the job okay.
Chris

 

I do the same thing to get rid of thoughts in my head, I just say "Stop", because of all the coulda, shoulda, woulda that run through my head constantly. I said "Stop" out loud in Wal-Mart the other day without realizing I said it out loud and I got a startled look from a stranger. I just smiled the best I could apologized and continued shopping. Alex and I did most everything together and simply going to the grocery store is difficult I trudge through and try to keep my thoughts positive.
The job went OK, thanks to my nephew going with me and my customer being very understanding.

 

I'm glad the job went okay.
I know what you mean about the grocery. I asked a counselor why I felt like a hundred people had died instead of one and he told me because Shawn played so many roles in my life. I was so surprised how many things were connected to him.
I hope you get some sleep tonight.
"He keepeth thee in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee."
Chris

 

Thank You, Chris