Lost both my parents within a month of each other

I feel so grateful to have found this forum. Just reading the previous posts made me feel that I am no longer alone in my journey of grief.

I lost both of my parents this summer. My mother suffered from heart and kidney failure and was on hospice for several months. It was a long, drawn out process for her. It was so very difficult to watch her struggles day in and day out. I was blessed to be by her side as she drew her last breath. You can never be prepared but I felt like I had time to say the things I wanted to say and spend time with her in very meaningful ways.

My father was devastated to be losing mom. He was 86 but relatively healthy. Three weeks after her death he was rushed to the hospital with a massive lung infection. He was put on a high oxygen flow machine immediately so it was very difficult to communicate. It was sudden and his organs started to shut down. Everything was rushed and he sadly passed away two days later. His death literally brought me to my knees. It was unexpected and I am still in shock. I was not ready.

I have searched out grief support for losing both parents but until I found this forum there was nothing I could relate to.

What I am struggling with most is this feeling ..this emptiness that no one will ever love me as much as my parents, or be my biggest cheerleader or worry about me the way that they always did. I feel unprotected and unsafe. I have a great husband and children so it seems kind of silly because they love me very much.

I miss them so much. I am hoping I can receive some advice and learn from those who have similar feelings.

 

ForevertheirGirl, First I would like to say how sorry I am for you. One of the worst things we experience in life is losing someone, then to compound that each loss we experience in life is so different and means many things.

My father was the first to die, he died of lung cancer. Then my mother passed four years later from stomach cancer. It took a long time for me to face their deaths. They were the people who raised my step brother, two sisters and me. They gave us guidance, love, shelter and so many things. Of course they made us feel wanted.

This hole in our heart is for the ones we lose in life. ForevertheirGirl, of course we feel incomplete with each loss we suffer. I was going to college when dad died. It was hard to concentrate, as he was my hero, the one I had admired all my life.

It is natural to feel unprotected after loss. It is also normal to dismiss others' words of regret as shallow and uncaring. Even though you are married and have children sometimes we might see them as non participant observers in our loss. While they know your parents have died, it can be hard to acknowledge they truly understand our loss.

I was married for over half of my life, almost half a century. During our marriage, her two brothers, one sister, her parents and grandmother who sheltered her during her college years all passed on. Sure I gave words of encouragement, and so much love back to my wife Nadine as each of them died.

But I do realize, for Nadine, it was closer to her heart than mine. They were ingrained in her spirit. So she suffered emotionally, but I helped her all along the way. She amazed me how she held herself together after each loss. But I was always there, always hugged and kissed her, and talked and talked to her with so many thoughts.

When she herself died of cancer, it was a time in my life I knew was coming, as she had been sick with the cancer for ten years. However, both my sons and me, her remaining older sister, and her closest niece were there with her till the end. Sure that death meant different things to each one of us, as a son, as a sister, as a niece, and of course me as a husband.

ForevertheirGirl, please don’t ever give up. Don’t ever think you are not loved or no one understands your sorrow. Sometimes in life, facing loss of loved ones is hard to open up about. Some feel that in order to feel a death you have to experience that same death. Over the course of my life I have learned that loss while personal, by opening up about it that helps you heal inside.

Sometimes just talking to a complete stranger, as we all might seem on this site makes it easier to talk about loss. I have seen death in my life from too many instances, so many different types.

I have been present when others were notified of deaths and had to develop the courage to go on. You as a person can’t help but feel their loss, so you offer them comfort the best you can.

Sure it isn’t easy talking with someone about death. But as I have witnessed, loss is hard to overcome. I realize you have to open up and not hold that pain inside you. It isn’t healthy.

ForevertheirGirl, remember all the precious times you shared with your parents. All the tears they wiped from your eyes. All the hugs and kisses they gave to you. All the love they showered you with. All the guidance they gave to you, especially when you may have been wrong. They guided you through life. All these and many more are who you are as a person, no one can ever take those moments away from you.

You are not alone in your loss. We at this site have felt the pain that loss brings. The sorrow we now all have, and the emptiness that is hard to overcome. Take your time slowly, you are with others now. You just have to give yourself a chance to heal inside.

So just keep opening up, Talk as much as you need to, or just read through the forums and see what others have said on their journey on the road of grief. . Take the time to heal inside, Peace be with you tonight and the days forward.

-david

This song is for you today