Lost an extremely important person to heroin

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Kvetrano62103, Oct 21, 2018.

  1. Kvetrano62103

    Kvetrano62103 New Member

    My friend and I had a complicated relationship, we were friends but also more than that. We understood each other on a deeper, more spiritual level and thats something that is so hard to find. We both have gone through many, many things in our lives especially loss, but we always stuck by each others sides no matter what. I always stuck by his side through out his addiction. This last year he went to a long term rehab and was released in June. He started talking weird a few weeks after and i knew right away he had relapsed. I did not get mad at him, I just pointed out that he was acting the way he does when he is high, i did not directly accuse him but he told me the truth. Since the drugs began to take over his mind he started talking about us dating and saying things like "you never loved me" or "you don't care about me". I did my best to explain to him that for there to be any chance of us being together in the future, i could only be his friend at this time because that is what he needed, whether he realized it or not. He did not agree/like that i said that and started getting so angry and just saying so many things and for the first time since i met him he said things that genuinely hurt me. After days of him freaking out on me i decided i may need to cut him off. Not only for my own well-being, but his too. In my head i thought that maybe me being in his life was too confusing for him and that maybe it wasn't doing him any good. So, that day i cut him off for the first time. Two weeks after that day, on august 2nd, i found out he overdosed and died. I've lost so many people in my life to death, mostly family which includes my mother, but this is the most difficult thing i have ever had life throw at me. I feel like it completely my fault. I feel like i failed him in every way possible. He needed me and i wasn't there. I dont know how to handle this. Its been almost 3 months and every single day just gets more and more difficult. He was my rock in this world and whenever I felt this way he was the only person i wanted to talk to and now i cant and I dont know what to do.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Kvetrano, I am so sorry for your loss. It's very complicated to lose someone to an overdose, especially if our relationship had been fractured prior to their passing. We hear so often about toxic relationships and the role we need to take in our own self care to extricate ourselves from them. And that's perfectly sound advice, but it's always made with the assumption that there will be time to heal on the other end of it. The finality of loss cuts short our opportunity to mend and make things right. I'm guessing you did what you did at the time not only for the sake of your own mental health, but perhaps to demonstrate to your friend just how seriously you felt about him getting some help. The void that is left behind leaves a lot of room for ruminating and second guessing. The people around you can try and make you feel better, but until you believe that you are not to blame, you will go on feeling like this. So what helps? I think for most, it's understanding the disease of addiction. Just to realize how strong and powerful it is- stronger than you, your friend, your relationship...and how many people are powerless against it. Perhaps some al-anon meetings would help, or speaking with others who have also lost a loved one to substance abuse. That's exactly what we're here for - to connect you with those who will understand. In the meanwhile, I wrote an article in our blog specifically about a loss to overdose that I think you may relate to. I hope it can be a help: https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/suicide-overdose-5-things-only-survivors-understand/.
    I'm glad you're here and I do hope we can offer you some support and comfort. Please let me know if you have any other specific questions you'd like to address. We're here to help~
  3. Girl next door

    Girl next door New Member

    Kvetrano621, your story is a familiar one to me. It’s not your fault, it just is what it is. Let me know if you need a non-judge mental ear to vent to.