lost 4 of my children in a house fire

Discussion in 'Loss of Child' started by Bobbie jean, Dec 19, 2018.

  1. Bobbie jean

    Bobbie jean New Member

    i lost four of the most beautiful children in the world in a house fire. i was downstairs in my room with my baby and when the fireman came in he gabbed me and my baby and i told him 4 of my other kids were upstairs.....the firemen never went back into the house. my babies were trapped. they died of asphyxiation. i am still angry and hurt and broken. my life is over. there is too much to the story to write this is just a little bit......please tell me how some of you cope,,,,,,i still have my two surviving sons but it still not the same. nothing feels right anymore.....please help me.....im in therapy once a week and the doctor 2 times a month. but i still feel broken.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Bobbie Jean, I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a sad and horrific tragedy, I'm not sure anyone could be expected to feel anything but "broken". I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and doctor as I hope they'll both be a very important part of your healing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no one path that works for everyone. But here are some general thoughts on coping:
    1. be patient. While you're anxious to feel better, or at least to not feel so much pain, recognize the impossibility of that right now. Being sad, angry and broken may be the only option. It is so important to feel all of this and to truly sit and face the emotions as they arise naturally within us. Grief is a very long process, so much longer than any of us could ever imagine, and especially because you are grieving so much loss at once you may need even more time to individually grieve every person you have lost.
    2. take it one day at a time. I don't think people like this advice (even those who aren't grieving) because we've heard it so much, and what does it really mean anyway? In grief it looks like this: take not just one day at a time, but one hour at a time. We get through these impossible days only if we can focus on what is right in front of us. Getting dressed, eating, folding laundry....one small task after another.
    3. Know that you are a different person. Right now you will be experiencing all the changes that come with early acute grief: anger, sadness, hopelessness. But it also means a change in how well you are able to focus or remember things. You may find you are more irritable, short tempered. Sleep and eating patterns change. Some part of this is temporary and can fade slowly as you heal. But of course a loss like this forever changes a person and as friends and family are trying to relate to you they may need to understand better who you are now and what you need.
    4. Which brings us to this point - everyone's support system is different. Some people have a lot, some people have a little. No matter what, I think most grievers feel that their support always falls short in some way or another, and I think it's important to remember just how paralyzed other people can be by our grief. It's not to make excuses for them, but to understand that people aren't as careless as it may feel or seem. They just feel helpless and overwhelmed and may not know how to help. Sometimes the best support we can get is the one we facilitate, by telling other people what we need (and what we don't).
    ~I hope we can be a help to you here. I'm glad that you are reaching out and getting help. I find those people who don't try to go it alone may fair better in the long run, and I hope you can find some support and comfort here. Wishing you peace and healing in the days ahead~
  3. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Very sorry to hear about your children. You are already getting help professionally and reaching out to people here. It will never be the same, but we can hopefully adapt.
    Hopeforkason and Shawnee like this.
  4. Maureen Harrison

    Maureen Harrison New Member

    That overwhelms me but i must reach out and say, ??????????
    I'd like you to know, in this moment, I'm breathing deeply, slowly. Its the only resource i have to use. It brings temporarily calmness. When I'm really hysterical, i put ice on my face.
    Shocks me into the present moment.
    You'll get there, i hated hearing this 16 yrs ago, can't rush this.
    Emotions will try to destroy you, the Wise mind is where the happy place is.
    Even though 16 yrs passed, i still feel that raw, ache in stomach, mind races, ....
    The only difference, today I'm better than yesterday.
    Its one second at a time, some days.
    With support and someone who never gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over, you may get to my age, 61.
    Age tames the rage and anger, the guilt and blame. That's irreverent, there's only now. I took a course called DBT, although it was designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, it literally saved my life.
    Meditation and Chanting.
    It works perfectly.
    I don't know or claim to understand what happens after a person dies, I hope I get a chance to fly around the Universe

    I invite you to email me.

    I do love to talk about space and astrology, or eating... I love that too.
    Cocoa Beach Fl
  5. Maureen Harrison

    Maureen Harrison New Member

    Great advise, ask for what you need.
    Also, a strong friend who never tires of the repetitive topic.
    Hopeforkason likes this.
  6. KJ-Kathy

    KJ-Kathy Active Member

  7. Tearul

    Tearul New Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss Bobby Jean. My was killed by a drunk driver seven days after you experienced your horrific tragedy. I don't know what to say. I just know it sucks!!!
    Hopeforkason likes this.
  8. Hopeforkason

    Hopeforkason Member

    I'm truly sorry this one hit home no mother should have to feel this pain , I don't think it gets easier I think we just learn to live with the pain it's okay to be angry ,mad sad confused with so many unanswered question greving is no fun I feel think one really knows what I'm through I don't know if I'll ever be the same I'm broken in ways I can't explain , please know that some people do understand and anything time you want your welcome to message me