Loss of spouse

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Deborah A., Dec 16, 2022.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    B, you made me smile when you said
    Randi " did get pissy at times", but that
    both of you could laugh afterward. Thank
    you for sharing that. When Linda died, I
    had horrible survivor's guilt, thinking
    Linda was a saint, and I wasn't affectionate
    enough, or did enough to "save " her. My
    therapist helped guide me away from
    those guilt feelings. Reading The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
    Jonathan Santlofer, in which he felt the
    same way, when his wife of 40 years
    died suddenly in front of him, told me I
    wasn't alone. I recommended that book,
    and Permission to Mourn, by Tom Zuba,
    to this group, and many have found
    comfort and wisdom from both books. I
    am so grateful my grief counselor
    suggested the books and the wonderful
    GIC. Lou
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  2. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    I think it’s just a process we all go through. For me, there was guilt about everything. Was I present enough? What about the time he needed water and he couldn’t wake me up because I was so exhausted? Why didn’t I just sleep on the floor next to the hospital bed? It was only for a few weeks, in my situation. I wish I had quit my job. So few people have an easy time in the end of their lives. These days will get easier, but by bit. In the meantime, we’re here to listen and support you. ❤️
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, Deborah, for your
    comforting words. You are helping many
    people, including me, in our grieving.
    Though I'm older than you, you seem
    wiser than I am. Lou
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  4. Janiceanne

    Janiceanne Well-Known Member

    Hi B My name is Janiceanne My husband died in September after an illness. I am with you distracted. I try to do everything that needs to be done but sometimes, like today, I am just sitting and crying. Yesterday, Christmas Day was really difficult but I was with some good friends but when they left there was a hole in the house. Not much sleep last night. I thank God everyday for this group.
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  5. Janiceanne

    Janiceanne Well-Known Member

    I am with you group hugs would be wonderful. I am sending everyone a virtual big hug and lots of love.
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  6. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Dear Janiceanne, I’m sending you a virtual hug of tenderness and compassion right now. These are very difficult times. You are doing the hard work of expressing your grief now. In the book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba he writes when we feel that we have cried so much there isn’t another tear left we tell ourselves that we are healing, we are heal, we are healing. And it is true because we are letting the grief bubble out of us. People who can’t express their grief get major health problems. I remember doing intense mourning along with losing my phone and car keys daily. I thought I was going crazy and dying at the same time because of high blood pressure and heart rate, depression, and insomnia. Grief meetings and therapy helps along with reading grief books. But staying connected on GIC gives us friendship, compassion, direction, and hope. Google Kristin Neff Self Compassion audios. They are free and very helpful. What I have to remember is to be very compassionate and gentle with myself. It’s the foundation of our grief journey. Gary
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  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Janiceanne. This group got
    me through Christmas. Rose, in Italy,
    comforted me after my crying dream
    about Linda early this morning. Like you,
    I was OK through Christmas Day, but not
    earlier today. Sending you a hug from my
    cold town by the sea in Massachusetts. Lou
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  8. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Sorry for.your loss. Grief is definitely a roller coaster and it will go up.and down as time goes by. There will be good and bad days. Im glad you have a good support system. It also helps to talk to people that had gone through the same type loss. We're here to listen, support and not judge.
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  9. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Sorry you have the flu. The change of weather will definitely do it. I hope you get lots of rest and stay out the weather for a few days. When you go back out be sure to bundle up real good.
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  10. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Deborah, your words echo mine so much. Just like Lou has explained to us all, I lost my C right in front of me, too, in a matter of minutes. That scene is stuck in mind and will not leave me, torturing me, not letting me sleep unless I take meds. The guilt will not go away, I live with this every single second of my life, since that November afternoon, two years ago, when fate (or I don't know who or what!) decided to cruelly, prematurely, take him away from us. He said he had bad stomach pains and nausea, he had never had any health problems, who would have thought it was a sudden heart attack? Why didn't I call the ambulance earlier? He was in the medical profession, I'm sure he would have told us what to do, if he had known, but he thought it was just bad indigestion. It was the first day of another Covid lock-down in our nation, the day before we had done our stock-up shopping. He was a smoker, and I remember he had also stocked up on cigarettes, buying one of those large packs containing 10 packets. They are still there in the bag, with the free lighter that the shopkeeper had given him. I don't smoke, I have hidden them away in a safe place, and will always stay there (even though I HATE them now). I have thought maybe he had an underlying heart condition, that didn't show evident symptoms, caused by smoking, (he wasn't one for regular checkups, typical doctor!) They are quick to diagnose other peoples' health issues, but forget to look after themselves! I get angry at myself, thinking I should have encouraged him more to stop smoking and go for a heart check-up, as we are all advised to do once we reach our fifties,but then again, it may have not been caused by smoking.
    Sorry, if I've gone on a bit, but everytime someone here mentions the word 'guilt', I start pouring out what is still embedded in my mind, like a parasite that is eating away at my brain. Mind you, this is not a negative thing, like Gary says, we need to express our grief or our health will suffer.

    Sending you also a virtual hug.
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  11. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Rose you lost your C in the same manner as I lost Cheryl. I believe Cheryl had obstructive sleep apnea. I was being treated for that and was suggesting to Cheryl she do the same thing. Cheryl had an extreme reaction to her first covid vaccination and was sent to neurology where no abnormalities were found. Ear nose and throat was the next step. We didn’t get that far. I had severe feelings of guilt and trauma replaying the event. I made a collage on my phone of Cheryl of happy times and special places. When bad thoughts would come I would slide screen the collage. I would tell myself the event was a fraction of our good times together. Over time I accepted the horrible event was Cheryl’s destiny. I kept saying to myself there are no do overs. Cheryl is gone. A friend gave me the book Invisible Ink by Cathy Curtis. I read the book and followed the prompts of writing letters to Cheryl. I did one a week. At week 6 it was Cheryl’s turn to write back(invisible ink)and address what I was afraid of going through the rest of my life without her. It was a game changer. Cheryl had transitioned 10 months before and after completing the writing it was like she was sitting in the chair next to me. It has almost been a year since and I still feel Cheryl’s presence. Nothing rock solid. The feelings waxes and wanes. We have to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves. I visit Kristin Neff Self Compassion audios and listen to the 5 minute one often. You’re a warrior Rose. You have courageously expressed yourself which is helping you and everyone here heal. Gary
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  12. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Gary for your comforting and encouraging words. I love the way you have been writing letters, to and from your Cheryl, and how you feel her sitting next to you. I wrote one letter to my C and put it away safely in his bedside cabinet, perhaps I should write more and write back to myself imagining what he would be saying to me now. This afternoon, I managed to take a long walk around our property, my "nature therapy," (we've been having exceptionally mild weather recently) , I could have stayed out there forever, just me and my thoughts, talking to my C and feeling him ever so close to me.
    It's late now, but tomorrow I'll look up those audios you mentioned.

    Rose, the GW from afar.
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  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    NEVER!!! ever think of yourself as "dumping." This is what we're here for, to "listen," provide a virtual shoulder to lean on, and lots of the very BIGGEST!!! virtual hugs... Every single one of us needs to vent!!!, TUTTAM!!! (total understatement to the absolute max) We've been thrown into a "new" life, a life that not one of us would have chosen. Short and to the point, it SUCKS!!!

    I've been MIA for a few days(?), I lose track of time, but even when I'm MIA, you, and all of our GIC "family" are in my daily thoughts and prayers...

    Hoping today is a better day for you...

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace. DEB
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  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    You're making me blush, lol... I think each and every member of TGW, our GIC "family," adds his/her own unique style, contributing lots to our group, the reason why TGW are the absolute best!!!! However, if it wasn't for you, TGW wouldn't exist. To repeat, you are the UPM (ultimate people magnet)!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    I hope you're feeling well enough today to visit with some of your friends at one of your favorite "Cheers like" places.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debster
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  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I feel Bob's presence 24/7. I talk to him all the time, as though he is still (physically) with me. I ask him for advice when I have difficult decisions to make, but now, unlike in the beginning of this over the top miserable journey (for lack of a better word), I'm much more confident in my ability to make difficult decisions on my own. This is such a good feeling, TUTTAM!!!

    Just as Cheryl is always watching over you, Bob is always watching over me, just as every single one of TGW's loved ones, is watching over him/her... Whenever I receive a sign from Bob, a calm feeling washes over me... Someday, I believe each and every one of us will be reunited with the one true love of our lives, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I'm in no hurry for this to happen.

    Life is a gift, as Bob reminded me every single time I asked him how he felt. His response was always the same, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." I want to make Bob proud of me, of all the things I've accomplished since his death, and of all the things that I hope to accomplish in the future. I don't give a F*** what the law says, in my heart, I will always be married to Bob, my knight in shining armor.

    Better stop here, or you're going to get one of my way too long books, lol...

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I believe with all my heart, that although C, Bob, and all of TGW's loved ones, can't be here with us physically, they're always watching over us. As I just said to Gary, whenever I get a sign from Bob, a calm feeling washes over me. It is the absolute best feeling in the entire world...

    I'm smiling BIG!!! TIME!!! knowing that you were able to get in some much needed "nature therapy," and that you felt C's presence...

    I hope today turns out to be another good day...

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    For the longest time after Bob's death, like you, I couldn't stop "seeing" in my mind, the last 24 hours of Bob's life, the absolute worst!!! I had nightmares, what I think might have been panic attacks, couldn't sleep, and could beat Uncle Fester in the bag department any day of the week!!! ( I'm not sure if you were here when Marcy used to post. She mentioned Uncle Fester from the Addams Family, those GIANT!!! bags he had under his eyes. It was a definite lol!!! moment for lots of us, a welcome change from all the tears...)

    Although I doubt I'll ever be able to stop "seeing" the last 24 hours of Bob's life in my mind, now, after over 20 months, I only "see" this horrific scene in my head, once in a while. Sending you the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug. It is by far, one of the very worst things we have to endure!!! It SUCKS!!!

    Gary is right. We have to express our grief in order to move forward. You are doing all the hard work grieving is forcing you to do. The timeline for moving forward, (I no longer believe in healing, I think we just get used to life without our loved ones physically with us) is different for all of us, but I believe with all my heart, that horrible scene wont' play out as often in your head in time. Hang in there... We'll be here for you through every miserable step along this miserable journey.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  18. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind, comforting words Deb, I appreciate so much relating to all of you, helps me in my struggle, like you say, we learn to live with our loss, we don't heal. I hadn't joined yet when your other friend member used Uncle Fester as a comparison. It's absolutely perfect, if I'm not careful I'll end up having bags that I could carry my shopping in! I just remembered some typical British humour!
    Hugs to you too.
    Gary166 likes this.
  19. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Patfan, so sorry and she was so young. I lost my husband of 39 years 2 years ago. We had a very wonderful marriage, but within one year he was gone. Died of Sarcoma cancer. We never knew where he got this awful cancer that just popped up one day, no warning, no illness just a lump in his hip that grew and grew.

    I hope you stay with us. I've found this site has helped me not to feel alone and find support during this awful journey.
    I live in California. I think I'm the only one here that lives in California. May I ask what part you live in? I'm in northern Calif.
    Take care of yourself, Karen