PLEASE READ
My name is Olivia. I am 25 years old and a mother of 3. I lost my Husband this past March. Losing a spouse/significant other is a pain that is so unbearable. I have tried to read books, I tried therapy, and I even tried to meditate. I felt like none of these things were helping me. I tried using this live chat support but it didn't help so much. Yes, there were people who lost their spouse but, suicide; my god is a whole other thing itself. There is nights were I can't shut my brain off and the what if's pop in my head or did I miss signs or was there anything that I could've done to change things. My therapist said to me, you can't keep on living with this pain and you have to accept that theres nothing you could do to bring him back. REALITY is he is gone for good. I feel as though the only way that I could get thru this was finding other people in the same situation as me. In the end I feel in my heart what will help me learn to tolerate the pain I feel is to help others and let others help me. I created an email: allinthistogethergrp@yahoo.com and I want to everyone who sees this and wants to either just share their story to send me an email. I will respond to everyone, once I get a good volume of people we can set up like a free zoom meeting and all share and be there for one another because truth be told we all are feeling the same thing. There would be nothing more healing to just have people who care and understand you. I know that no matter what we will still have this lifetime pain but you know what I will be there for any of ya'll. I hope you all reach out! Hope to hear from ya'll soon.
OLIVIA[/QUOTE
Olivia,
As I was reading your story, my eyes filled with tears... There are no words to describe what I want to say, but since words are all we have, I want you to know how very sorry I am. My story is different from yours, I am much older than you are, my three children are now grown up, all living very different,very interesting lives. My husband passed away in April of this year. I watched him slowly fall apart, bit by bit, as he was diagnosed with many illnesses, over the course of about 7 years. Prior to all of these diagnoses, he suffered from a major heart attack while my children were still in school and living at home. Four years before his heart attack, he was diagnosed with type two diabetes.
My husband's death wasn't peaceful. Memories from the most horrific time in my life pop in and out of my head. I can vividly see everything unfold in front of my eyes, I can still hear my husband begging me to help him. He was in agony. (Prior to this, he was a fiercely independent, stoic man, who never complained, not even when he was intense pain.) I feel as though I have PTSD from the moment he fell in our guest bathroom that night, and I called an ambulance, to the time he died in our local hospital, early the next morning, still in the ER.
Although the situations surrounding our husbands' deaths are different, and even though our grief journeys are unique, there are certain things that happen along our grief journeys that many of us experience, one of them being difficulty sleeping at night. When my husband first died, I would wake up crying, thinking about all the "what if's", if only I had been successful in getting the ER doctor to listen to me, my husband wouldn't have died. Now, over four months later, the "what if's" have company. Now both good and bad memories keep me up at night too. Others, who are farther along in their grief journeys than I am, tell me that the worst memories surrounding their spouses death, don't pop into their minds as frequently as they did at first. I'm hopeful that this is slowly happening for me. I hope this will happen not only for me, but for you too, for all of us.
I know there is nothing I can do to take away any of your pain. I hope others who are in a more similar situation to yours, will write to you, and you will find the kind of support you are looking for.
Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
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