Karen,
I find it way beyond difficult not being able to share everything from important matters, to the everyday things, the little things that make up so much of our lives with Bob. I have to make some difficult decisions, and although I talk to Bob as if he was still here with me, and I try to think of what he would advise me to do in each situation, I'm totally stressing out!!! It SUCKS!!! In some ways, I feel like I'm regressing, instead of moving forward. I need to put on my big girl pants, and get with the program ASAP!!!
Although the decisions I have to make are things Bob normally would have taken care of, I've had to make plenty of decisions since his death, and those decisions were tougher than these, plus I was much more emotionally fragile, totally "unglued." I keep telling myself that moving forward, is always one step forward, several steps backwards, another step or two forwards, one step backwards, etc, etc, etc, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it's over the top exhausting, both physically and mentally.
A couple of my neighbors, husband and wife, both have COVID, were sitting outside on their driveway. We talked, more like shouted to each other from across the street. The wife told me how much she admires my strength and courage. I know she meant it as a compliment, but WTF????!!!, it's NOT!!! like I have a choice. Well, wait, I guess I do have a choice. I can either find a way to do what needs to be done, or continue to sink deeper and deeper until I won't be able to find my way to the surface again. NO!!! way am I going to let that happen!!!, TUTTAM!!! I want Bob to be proud of me. I don't want to waste the rest of my life stuck in quicksand. When it's my turn to leave earth and be reunited with Bob, I want to be at peace, to feel like I've made a positive difference in society, in some small way.
Today, while I was walking Skye, my angel/devil dog, after having left her in her "room," home alone, to find another mess, a stranger on a bike stopped to talk to me. She said she used to have an English Setter, and that Skye looked similar to him. My angel/devil dog, who had been a devil just a short while before this, was an angel. She walked up to the bike and sat close to the woman so she could pat her. After a few minutes, Skye returned to my side, sat next to me, quietly, as if listening to our conversation. We talked for a long time!!!, TUTTAM!!!, and Skye didn't budge. Wait!!!, this isn't what I wanted to say to you. I just can't stop "talking" about my soon to be angel/devil dog, lol... She's mine as of February 2nd.
Backing up a bit, after we finished our conversation about dogs, we found out that we're both widows, her husband having died over 11 years ago, Bob's death almost 2 years ago. She was such a kind person, who understood all of the bittersweet feelings, that seemingly out of nowhere, the floodgates opened, I couldn't stop crying...
She told me that after 11 years, while she's used to her husband not being here (physically), life SUCKS!!! living alone, and always being so lonely.., in spite of the fact she has many friends and keeps busy. I hate to sound so very pessimistic, but, and this is the last BIG!!! BUT!!! for tonight, no matter what I do, who I spend time with, I don't think this kind of loneliness will ever go away. It can't. The only thing that would make this loneliness disappear, is if Bob was able to come home. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!
Having said all of this, in general, I'm doing so much better than I was when I first found this site, mostly because of you, and all TGW, our "GIC" family. My life is now a mixture of happy and sad, and I'm grateful for it. The alternative would SUCK!!! even more.
I'm finally finding myself again, but I'm not quite the same person I was prior to Bob getting sick. I like to think that in some ways, out of necessity, I've morphed into a better version of myself. I think I've morphed into a kinder, more caring person. For the first time in way too long a time, I'm finding out what I want in life now. Adopting Skye, taking her to classes, passing (fingers crossed!!!) the Canine Good Citizen test, is the first step in me being able to give back to society, in a way that's most meaningful for me.
Having a goal, training Skye to become a therapy dog, being able to take her to nursing homes, hospitals, or schools, to bring comfort to others, provides me with a purpose. I no longer feel like I'm spinning my wheels in mud, unable to get out of the ditch. However, even this goal, is so over the top bittersweet. Bob should be here with me and Skye. I want to share this with him so much... I NEED!!! a tissue... It SUCKS!!!
Just checked the time. I need to take Skye for her last walk for today, so stopping here.
As always, sending you and Winky, lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB
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