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Loss of my wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Joe65, Jan 25, 2023.

  1. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    I can relate Karen. Who am I and why am I still here is what I ask myself. The first winter after Cheryl transitioned was hard but this winter is more depressing because of the continued dull dark wet days. We are finally getting cold weather that will freeze the lakes for ice fishing. There have been days I had nothing to do but simple chores. When I my mind drifts I get swallowed up into the sea of negativity. I ride my exercise bike every other day and it helps some. I have been cleaning sappings and cutting antlers for making hiking sticks and canes. It distracts me from the negativity. I have to force myself to engage my mind into something to distract me from Mr Grief. I’m having problems with inflammation. It’s the grief. I was in the waiting room last week getting car maintenance and talked to several people there. A lady brought her 4 month old granddaughter in and I got to talk to her and wave ect. I thought wow this is the first time in a long time I have done that. I can’t wait till spring. I’m going to have a chicken enchilada dinner with extra salsa! And the next day I will get a bacon swiss mushroom burger with sweet potatoe fries. The days are getting longer Mrs Hum. Garbear
     
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    BroGar, I'm on the same page as you. As
    our humorous friend, DEB, would say,the
    cold, dark winter is "way past stale". I
    tell myself it will be OK if I can get past
    February,my least favorite month ( and
    that includes Valentine's Day) and have a
    mild March, leading into spring. I love
    that you waved to a 4 month old baby
    girl. Linda was better at that than I was,
    but now it gives me great joy to see a
    smile on a baby, and a toddler. It's
    especially heartwarming, bc Linda and
    I never had children, and of course,
    grandchildren. I used to tell Linda it
    would've been hard for me to be a father
    of an infant, bc I hated being awakened in
    the middle of the night, But , I think I
    would've made a great grandfather,
    who would bestow unconditional love,
    like my grandparents did for me. BroLou
     
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  3. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Oh Garbear I think, I know, but I don't know, how hard it is to deal with the weather as you described. Here in Calif, where I live, it only happens that way maybe a week, then the sun comes out. I just think the winter weather and even all the seasons are hard on us not having our love one to share, talking things over and be together......... even it the weather was dreavy I had Jack to be with me and we would watch a movie, eat popcorn and just be together. It's so lonely now.
    I'm smiling. You made a breakthrough waving to that cute granddaughter. I think guys are different. Jack would've ordered a bacon swiss mushroom burger but with regular fries and I would order just a plane burger, no mayo just mustard, maybe cheese.
    Don't forget the tortilla soup with your enchilada dinner.
    Do you sell your hiking canes? If so, I need one, I think I should have one to be careful. k
     
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Yes, please get a cane, Ms. Hum. We are of
    a certain age that a fall can be serious. A broken hip would be no fun. After falling
    myself, and going to PT, I decided to use
    Linda's cane for balance. As I've said here
    before, her cane serves a double purpose:
    to help me with my balance, and to feel
    Linda's presence, when I hold the cane
    she did. Lousterino
     
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  5. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, does it make it sense Karen! Perfect sense, perfect description. I still don't recognize myself anymore, after 26 months, although I'm not counting, time has stopped. Everything that's going on around me is still a blur, like I'm in a different dimension from everyone else. Who am I? I can't be that 27yr-old single person I was when I met him, I'm in my fifties now with two grown-up kids. I didn't expect to be in this state, never in a million years. I'm not the person I was when I was married, either. I'm a stranger, I often feel like a robot, not a human. A big part of me went with my husband, but then again, on the other hand, a part of my C is still here with me. Apart from the fact that I have his love and my love for him, both still living in me, and always will, I find that when I make decisions, I decide the way he would, I react to certain situations, especially complicated ones, like he would do. I feel it's him helping me, it's him judging and resolving problems through me. I have begun to smile big smiles lately when this happens. This just comes naturally to me. I thank him and tell him he is, after all, still here, his influence and his legacy still live on. Of course there are moments when I scream out literally in desperation : "oh, why aren't you here, now? What should I do?", and the problems remain unsolved, or in those joyful moments : "why aren't you here to see this?". Like I've said before, I've become more sensitive to my natural surroundings, I often surprise myself when I feel I'm looking at things through my C's eyes, I just do this automatically. I'm more curious, inquisitive, examining details, like he has always done.
    Perhaps, Karen, we could make sense of our new existence by looking at at in a more positive way, the fact that we are "taking" with us the love we shared with our loved ones, and this is what gives us strength to accept our new identities, they are part of our new self too, so eventually this unfamiliarity will become familiar again.
    Sending you a hug Ms Hum, like Lou calls you, from your GW friend "La Rose".
     
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    La Rose, just woke up,briefly, in middle of
    the night. I had to skim your post to Karen,
    bc I'm bleary eyed & have to go back to
    sleep. I wanted to tell you that I smiled when you gave me credit for naming
    Karen. "Ms.Hum". I smiled again when you
    called yourself "La Rose". We had agreed
    that was preferable to "Rosester". Lou
     
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  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    La Rose, I appreciate everything you have shared here. My Jack is still with me also every day, every moment, helping me. I have one of the best pictures of him in my dressing room as I get dressed I look at him and say, "Good Morning I love you". He looks back and smiles as he looks in the picture. Call me crazy I don't care it's comforting.
    Your last paragraph makes sense to me regarding our new existence. I guess we will have new identities as I have been wanting my old identity back and it's not showing up. Thank you La Rose, Ms Hum
     
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  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Karen,

    I find it way beyond difficult not being able to share everything from important matters, to the everyday things, the little things that make up so much of our lives with Bob. I have to make some difficult decisions, and although I talk to Bob as if he was still here with me, and I try to think of what he would advise me to do in each situation, I'm totally stressing out!!! It SUCKS!!! In some ways, I feel like I'm regressing, instead of moving forward. I need to put on my big girl pants, and get with the program ASAP!!!

    Although the decisions I have to make are things Bob normally would have taken care of, I've had to make plenty of decisions since his death, and those decisions were tougher than these, plus I was much more emotionally fragile, totally "unglued." I keep telling myself that moving forward, is always one step forward, several steps backwards, another step or two forwards, one step backwards, etc, etc, etc, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it's over the top exhausting, both physically and mentally.

    A couple of my neighbors, husband and wife, both have COVID, were sitting outside on their driveway. We talked, more like shouted to each other from across the street. The wife told me how much she admires my strength and courage. I know she meant it as a compliment, but WTF????!!!, it's NOT!!! like I have a choice. Well, wait, I guess I do have a choice. I can either find a way to do what needs to be done, or continue to sink deeper and deeper until I won't be able to find my way to the surface again. NO!!! way am I going to let that happen!!!, TUTTAM!!! I want Bob to be proud of me. I don't want to waste the rest of my life stuck in quicksand. When it's my turn to leave earth and be reunited with Bob, I want to be at peace, to feel like I've made a positive difference in society, in some small way.

    Today, while I was walking Skye, my angel/devil dog, after having left her in her "room," home alone, to find another mess, a stranger on a bike stopped to talk to me. She said she used to have an English Setter, and that Skye looked similar to him. My angel/devil dog, who had been a devil just a short while before this, was an angel. She walked up to the bike and sat close to the woman so she could pat her. After a few minutes, Skye returned to my side, sat next to me, quietly, as if listening to our conversation. We talked for a long time!!!, TUTTAM!!!, and Skye didn't budge. Wait!!!, this isn't what I wanted to say to you. I just can't stop "talking" about my soon to be angel/devil dog, lol... She's mine as of February 2nd.

    Backing up a bit, after we finished our conversation about dogs, we found out that we're both widows, her husband having died over 11 years ago, Bob's death almost 2 years ago. She was such a kind person, who understood all of the bittersweet feelings, that seemingly out of nowhere, the floodgates opened, I couldn't stop crying...

    She told me that after 11 years, while she's used to her husband not being here (physically), life SUCKS!!! living alone, and always being so lonely.., in spite of the fact she has many friends and keeps busy. I hate to sound so very pessimistic, but, and this is the last BIG!!! BUT!!! for tonight, no matter what I do, who I spend time with, I don't think this kind of loneliness will ever go away. It can't. The only thing that would make this loneliness disappear, is if Bob was able to come home. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    Having said all of this, in general, I'm doing so much better than I was when I first found this site, mostly because of you, and all TGW, our "GIC" family. My life is now a mixture of happy and sad, and I'm grateful for it. The alternative would SUCK!!! even more.

    I'm finally finding myself again, but I'm not quite the same person I was prior to Bob getting sick. I like to think that in some ways, out of necessity, I've morphed into a better version of myself. I think I've morphed into a kinder, more caring person. For the first time in way too long a time, I'm finding out what I want in life now. Adopting Skye, taking her to classes, passing (fingers crossed!!!) the Canine Good Citizen test, is the first step in me being able to give back to society, in a way that's most meaningful for me.

    Having a goal, training Skye to become a therapy dog, being able to take her to nursing homes, hospitals, or schools, to bring comfort to others, provides me with a purpose. I no longer feel like I'm spinning my wheels in mud, unable to get out of the ditch. However, even this goal, is so over the top bittersweet. Bob should be here with me and Skye. I want to share this with him so much... I NEED!!! a tissue... It SUCKS!!!

    Just checked the time. I need to take Skye for her last walk for today, so stopping here.

    As always, sending you and Winky, lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB
     
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  9. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    La Rose, your last paragraph is so inspirational I took a photo of it to remember. Thank you. Garbear
     
  10. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    What’s up Mrs Hum?! I’m making smaller light weight canes now. The sappings need to dry out a little more before I attach the antler. I don’t think you would want a big one. But I’ll post a photo of what I have made now. No cost to you. Garbear
     

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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    DEB, I was just about to go to bed, but I
    think God guided me to check in with
    GIC. I'm so grateful I did, bc I was treated to one of the best "books" you ever wrote
    to TGW, though addressed to our good
    friend , Karen ( "Ms.Hum"). In spite of the
    fact that you have a new "fur baby",
    angel/ devil dog in your life, it is beyond
    bittersweet not to have Bob with you to
    share in both the joy and the frustration
    of being Skye's owner. Your encounter
    with the widow is moving. I believe one of
    our missions in life is to give comfort to
    other grieving people on and off GIC. I
    had a recent encounter on a bus, with an older driver I'd never seen before. He said
    he had done other occupations and had
    retired. But, his wife had cancer, and died a year ago, and he decided to drive the
    local bus route, rather than stay home,
    lonely, missing his wife, and depressed.
    I told him about Linda. No one else was
    on the bus, and we both had tears in our
    eyes. As I exited the bus, I asked the
    driver's name, & said I hoped to see him
    again, soon. He smiled when I put my
    hand on his shoulder, as a brother in
    grief. Thanks for taking time from your
    dog activities, DEB, to inspire and move
    us , as always. Louster
     
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  12. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome Garbear, and thank you for your kind words.
    La Rose.
     
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  13. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Deb, I just loved reading your post about your Skye, she sounds like a perfect companion and I think it's a wonderful thought that you want to train her as a therapy dog. I know it's tough that your Bob is not here physically to share this joy with you but he is actually with you, because he is a part of you.
    Rose.
     
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  14. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lou, that's a touching story about your conversation with the bus driver. This is the proof that we can only find comfort and understanding with other people who have gone through the loss of a life partner, even if they are total strangers. I get so frustrated when even my own mother doesn't understand my impatience and irritability, she almost takes offense! I'm an only child, so my parents only have me and my kids to help them (obviously it's mostly on my shoulders, my kids have their own lives to think about, I don't want to bother them too much), but I get absolutely no empathy from them,they expect me to be 'normal'. I'm sure I'm going to scream out to them one day: "How would you have felt if one of you had suddenly died, so prematurely at the age of 57, how would you have survived these last thirty years???" I sound horrible, but that's the way I feel. I know you all understand me.
    Rose.
     
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  15. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    That's beautiful, Ms Hum, about the photo you talk to every morning and the way your Jack smiles back at you.
    We are warriors and our soulmates are fighting this battle with us, to guide us along, always by our side.
    La Rose.
     
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  16. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I'm 5"2 height. They are so unique and I know Louster has one.
     
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  17. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Debster, everything you shared makes sense. I call it another chapter in the book of Debster & Skye. I got emotional reading this. You have a way of expressing with words your feelings, life's journey in an every day way. So truthful. I thank you, Ms Hum, karen
     
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  18. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Yes, La Rose we can't be the same before we met our husbands. So, a new identity it is. As I told Debster she is very detailed sharing her feelings as I know you are too. I'm not a person with many words so I appreciate reading detailed feelings in this awful journey. Thank you, Ms Hum!
     
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ms. Hum, I told Gary that his hand carved,
    beautiful cane is in an honored , sacred
    place next to Linda's memorial, along with
    a small jade elephant we bought together.
    I point the elephant toward Linda's
    memorial. My grief counselor said it made
    sense, bc an "elephant never forgets", and,
    as long as my mental faculties are in
    tact, I will never forget Linda. Gary
    understands that for walking, I use
    Linda's cane which I talk to, as if Linda is
    by my side. Lobster Dude
     
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  20. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Quick drop in, haven't been around, I'm on a tour of duty in Griefland.
    Deb, My rescue lab took six months to make eye contact. It was under a year when she stopped having accidents while we were out. Some safety meter in her brain switched on and she settled in. As you know it takes time but it's so worth it, you're blessed to have each other. ~B