Joe,
I've been MIA for a while, lots of stuff going on in my life, but I'm so glad that some of my friends have already welcomed you to our GIC "family," TGW. Lou named us The Grief Warriors, as he already mentioned to you. TGW is a perfect name for us!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatment To The Absolute Max), as we're always here for each other, to help each other get through the very darkest days of our lives. I'm so glad you found us, but wish so much you didn't have to!!! It SUCKS!!!
I'm so sorry to hear your wife, Nicole recently passed away. Words seem so shallow at times, but since they're all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am. It'll be two years in April, since my husband, Bob, passed away. Time has a way of standing still, and moving forward all at once. It SUCKS!!! Like Nicole, Bob also had cancer, but by the time he passed away, he needed a specialist for just about every body part. I can relate to everything you've said so far. My heart is breaking for you as you're at the beginning of the most miserable journey, for lack of a better word, you'll ever be forced to take... Hang in there!!!
One of the best pieces of advice I can give you, (this is a judgement free zone, so take it or leave it, we'll be here for you no matter what), is that if you do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, life will eventually get easier, it'll become a mix of happy and sad, instead of just sad. Robin, one of TGW, first used happy mixed with sad to explain how she was feeling, and it's how I feel now. Life has become so very bittersweet. The amount of time it takes to reach this place is different for each one of us.
Backing up just a bit, the books Lou recommended to you are excellent. I found that even though I couldn't retain much of anything I read, if it had to do with grief, it stuck in my head. These books, along with help from TGW, made me realize I'm not alone, that everything I was feeling, still feel, is "normal" given the circumstances. I've been doing my best to follow the advice Tom Zuba gives us in "Permission To Mourn," and for me, this book, along with the support of TGW, has become a very important part of my life. I don't think I would have made it this far, in this way beyond miserable journey, with even a shred of sanity left, if it wasn't for these things.
You've taken a BIG!!! step towards feeling better by joining our GIC "family." We will be here with you through every step along the way. Some of the things I found most helpful, was to keep a journal, spend as much time outside in Nature as possible, and if you're physically able to, get in some exercise. I couldn't sleep for many months after Bob's death, and found melatonin helped, not enough to sleep through the night, but even a little sleep, is much better than no sleep. Also, if you can, try to eat healthy foods, easier said than done at times. Keeping a daily to do list helped me focus on the immediate things that needed my attention, such as closing bank accounts, getting my finances in order, etc, etc, etc. Everything else can wait!!! You might have days when just getting out of bed is as much as you can handle. It's okay... Be extra gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to do nothing, spend entire days crying... The more you let out the pain, the better you'll feel in the long run.
I'm starting to ramble, something I'm known for around here, so will stop before I send you one of my "books" as Lou refers to my extremely L O N G!!! posts.
I hope you stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the chance to get to "know" you. As another GW used to say frequently, "There is strength in numbers.
Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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