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Loss of my wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Joe65, Jan 25, 2023.

  1. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    Thank you Deb. You made me smile once or twice which is a huge accomplishment nowadays.
    Since you guys have been there, you understand that I have no idea what to think or feel. I get ideas, rhen lose complete interest a moment later. Everything I did I did with Nicole. We went everywhere and did everything together. Now I've lost interest. She was so good as decorating and designing. Now all I see is her in everything in the house. I want to change things but don't want to move anthing because it was ours.
    I just want her to come home. And she never will. And it kills me a little at a time.
     
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Yay, DEB is back with her compassionate
    & wise "book"!! There is now another
    Deb, from Minn. now, so I will call you
    DEB, or George's funny name for you---
    Debster. Thanks for giving credit to
    Robin ( who I now call Summer , in honor
    of our favorite season by the sea). It is
    heartwarming how each Grief Warrior
    came to the aid of Joe, in his terrible
    grief over the death of his wife & soulmate,
    Nicole. Bernadine posted a moving
    analogy between grief and the waves of
    the ocean. Our Nicole ( "Sweetcole")
    comforted Joe with her nickname. Rose
    is eloquent , as always, and paints a
    picture of her life with her dear husband,
    C., in the countryside of Italy. Gary, the
    lion in wait, will gather in all the posts,
    and weigh in to welcome Joe, as he
    always does with new members. All of us
    see the power of walking in nature and
    just breathing. Garbear, as Karen ( Ms.
    Hum) calls Gary , is a man in the
    wilderness with a respect and love for
    animals, which he shared with his
    beloved Cheryl. You have shared the
    happy and sad times with Bob. Your
    expressions, like TUTTAM are humorous
    and unique, and bring joy to TGW. Lastly,
    I'm honored that you always say I invented
    TGW, & recommended the 2 books on
    grief, which my grief counselor had
    suggested. Your words to Joe about the
    importance of sleep, are spot on. The
    grieving process can be exhausting. In
    fact, I was just about to go to bed early,
    but something told me to check in with
    GIC . That something turned out to be
    you. Welcome back, Debster. Sweet
    dreams for all of us. Louster
     
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  3. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    We do understand, Joe. These kinds of thoughts and feelings that are unfamiliar. This is why we don't make any major life decisions in the first year without some serious thought.
    This may be the hardest thing you will ever do. Grief makes no sense. And in really low times, I remember I'm strong enough to feel this. There will always be a moment when it will ease up. Be really kind to yourself in those low moments. Anything you can do to simplify your life frees up time you'd spend double checking things you can't forget to remember. If that makes sense. The whole thing sucks. You can do this. You can. ~Bernadine

    ps grief doesn't go in a straight line. or in real time, at times. for me it moves like the ocean and those giant waves in the beginning coming so close together. exhausting... if you're feeling tired, it's grief. Grief is exhausting.
     
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  4. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    Thank you. It does come in waves. I have moments where I think " I'm ok. I just need to go easy and I'll be fine ", then it will hit me out of nowhere. And it's terrible. And I can't lose the sense of guilt. I was supposed to protect her.
     
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  5. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Gm! Unfortunately guilt is apart of the process too. We think of what we could of or should of done differently. Then later on realize we did all we could do. It definitely comes in waves. You may feel like I'm ok today then something simple triggers you . I.pray for your strength.
     
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  6. BGreene

    BGreene Member

    Hi Joe. I'm sorry about your wife. Nobody should have to bear that kind of pain. But it happens, and it happens to good people like yourself. I lost my wife after a 16 year battle with brain cancer. It's been a bit over two years. I know how you're feeling, and I know what a struggle it is. There are great people on this site, almost all of whom have a story like yours. I wish you nothing but peace.
     
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  7. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    Thank you
     
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  8. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    Earlier today I thought I would do something innocent, like clean my wife's office of a little clutter. Then I come across Chrismas presents I got her she never even got a chance to open.
    Even the small things are devastating
     
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Oh, God, I know that feeling well, Joe.
    The first thing I did after Linda died,
    was to pack up her clean clothes &
    winter coat and donate them to Big
    Brothers Big Sisters. I felt relieved when
    truck came to pick up the bags. Second
    thing was to donate the different
    seasonal fun things Linda bought, bc it
    depressed me to look at them, and it
    would make someone else happy. Lastly,
    I threw out all the funny birthday and
    anniversary cards, bc I wept when I
    found them in the closet. When you
    finally get to read The Widower's
    Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
    Santlofer, you will see that he says the
    every day, "small things", which we took
    for granted, are sometimes the hardest.
    That's why I cry a little every morning
    before I walk outside. The day gets better
    after a good cry. Lou
     
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  10. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Hi Joe. I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your wife Nicole. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly transitioned 20.5 months ago to a cardiac arrest. Cheryl had no known health issues at the time. I was devastated Like everyone else here. I’m glad you found GIC so quickly. It took me 5 months to get here. Shock, disbelief, confusion, abandonment, guilt, fear, and every negative emotion floods our minds. The first positive thing I did was make a collage of Cheryl on my phone of the many good times we shared. When bad thoughts came I would slide screen the collage. I had to go much deeper though. I found in person grief meetings and secured a therapist. My friends at GIC provide daily support, love, and encouragement. Right now all you are trying to do is survive. We have to let the grief bubble up and out of us while taking care of ourselves. Too much grief too soon is harmful. We have to dose ourselves with it like medicine. The ways I distract my mind away from grief are; taking a walk, meditation, playing video games, watching PBS Kids cartoons, crafting, and texting. I wouldn’t accept phone calls unless I felt safe with that person because I couldn’t control my emotions. I would text them only. GIC gives us a safe place to share our feelings and get feedback from people who understand. We call ourselves the grief warriors. We suffer with each other in this community and it spreads the pain out. No one is ever alone on this site. I’m glad you are here. Stay with us and heal. Gary
     
  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thanks, younger brother Gary, for
    welcoming & comforting our newest
    younger brother, Joe. He will be a
    welcome addition to you, George, Chad, &
    me. I'm touched & proud how many
    Grief Warriors came forward to lift Joe
    up on the battlefield of grief. Lou
     
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  12. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Oh Joe, I’m so sorry for your loss of Nicole. There are no words that can fill the enormous void that she has left! Please know that everyone here understands and supports you as you find your way through this painful journey. It will get easier, and letting it out over and over and over again helps, bit by bit. Stay with us. Sending love, comfort and hugs. ❤️
    Deb (Deborah A.)
     
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  13. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

     
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  14. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    Thank you Deborah. I think that's part of what makes it so hard. The over and over again.
     
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  15. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Everything about this is hard—just everything. It will get easier, but in the meantime, take good care of yourself. Find a way to sleep if you can. (Headspace is a meditation program on Netflix — and it is good.) Eat some nutritious foods every day. Find people to talk to (including all of us.) Get outside and walk when you can. All of these things are giving yourself the love that Nicole would want you to give to yourself. And remember that you are not alone! ❤️ Hugs, love and comfort.
    Deb
     
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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, as I said to Rose , in Italy, you've
    become a star on GIC. Your teaching,
    writing, and empathy shines through
    your advice to Joe. I agree with every
    word. Since the death of my wife, Linda,
    4 yrs ago,I've become more spiritual. I
    don't belong to any congregation, but I say
    a silent prayer to God that I'm still alive,
    and able to see nature's beauty, in my
    case. the ocean. I do that every morning
    when I see the changing tides. I don't
    believe in coincidences. I got off the
    bus at a different stop this afternoon. I was standing in front of a small house and
    garden,I'dnever seen before. I looked at
    a stone plaque with angel resting on it.
    The saying on the stone read:
    When someone you love becomes a
    memory, the memory becomes a
    treasure". I stood there, took out pen &
    paper, and thought of sharing this with
    The Grief Warriors on GIC. Lou
     
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  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Joe,

    I'm glad I got you to smile once or twice. Hearing this makes me smile too. Thank you for the smiles. Smiles are one thing I can NEVER!!! get enough of!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    Nicole's death is so recent. From experience, it took me a really long time to process that Bob was gone, that he will NEVER!!! be able to come home again. Many times, following his death, I would come home from running errands that didn't need to be done, (anything at all to be out of the house!!!), expecting to see Bob in his recliner when I opened the front door. I couldn't stand being alone, and so over the top lonely, but at the same time, I didn't want to be around people. Bob was the only person who could make this loneliness go away, and he was NEVER!!! coming home. It SUCKED!!! BIG!!! TIME!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    I just lost my train of thought, forgot where I was heading with this, so stopping here (for now.) BTW, I like to blame this on my foggy widow brain. Yes!!!, it is true that those of us who have suffered the most unthinkable kind of loss, suffer from forgetfulness. If it happens to you, don't be alarmed, you're NOT!!! losing your mind, you're grieving...

    Although I'm not sure if I said anything useful, just want you to know I'm thinking of you...

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Deb,
    It's okay!!! If you want to go by Deb, I don't mind morphing back into DEB, lol...

    It's good to "see" you here. I've been MIA, and will continue to be mostly MIA for awhile, but hope to be able to "talk" to you more when I return.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Joe,

    Unfortunately, guilt is one of those useless emotions, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I think everyone of us has either suffered from it, is still suffering from it, or both. SweetCole said it better than I could ever say it, when she said "guilt is part of the process." It SUCKS!!! (As usual, I'm stuck on SUCKS!!!)

    Sending you lots more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  20. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Joe,

    I still can't go into the guest bedroom (a story for another time), and definitely NOT!!! inside the closet in the guest bedroom. Almost two years later, and I can't look at most of the pictures from much happier times, when I naively thought Bob and I would grow old together, have fun looking at all those old pboto albums together, when each time we celebrated another wedding anniversary.

    F**** this!!! (A delicate flower, I'm not, lol... Lou's wife, Linda, used to say this, and I've adopted it.) I need a tissue... Going to stop here, have to walk my foster dog, soon to be, new furry member of my family.

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB