Hello, My names Brandon I had lost both my parents before 14, my Dad at age 13 and my Mom the time I was born.I was before adopted by my Uncle and Aunt who had to taken guardianship of me since the death of my mother had caused my Father to become an alcoholic and smoker.At first I always knew I was adopted from just looking at my parents,but what really hit me was when they told me who my father really was.He was my “Uncle”, at first it was really awkward and I didn’t really want to talk to him.But after about a month he was diagnosed with throat cancer.Athough i tried to hide it, it hurt and stills hurts me to even think of it.Due to the cancer he couldn’t speak and was in constant pain.Even when I saw him I never really talked to him because of how awkward I felt.He loved me with all his heart and I couldn’t even say an actual hello back to him or even call him Dad.For the next few weeks he was in the hospital due to the cancer worsening.Me and my “parents” would visit every few days, but I could never will myself to see him.What hurt the most about it was my Aunts words “Go see him Brandon, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” And she was completely right.Only a few days later it was said that they had to kill him because of the pain he was going through and I had to act like I It didn’t hurt when really I was dying.On the day of his funeral I couldn’t hold the tears waking up.I couldn’t dress myself properly and what made it worse was my uncles words “I’m going to beat your ass if you don’t get dressed correctly.”So I came into the funeral crying my heart out.But what really pushed me over was we had to cremate him and put him into the ocean since he loved fishing which now reminds me of horrible memories as at the time I knew him as my Uncle he had invited me to come fishing with him on a boat and I had a horrible time with sickness which makes me feel like I couldn’t even do what he liked.After his death I told myself everything was fine but the more I thought about it the worse it got.I cried to myself everynight and the words of “regret” ringing in my head over and over.After his death I thought more into my memories with him and everything connected.Why he loved me more than anyone else, why he tries to take care of me like a son, why he came to my house drunk screaming for me.Almost every night I try to talk with him hoping for a sign.But I know I had messed in not seeing him one last time and I was hurting more than I should have.And the honest truth is knew him as my uncle for 12 years and my father for about a month and because of that I hated myself for not trying harder to give back the love he gave me and if I could see him for at least one more hour even if it meant hurting myself in anyway or completely giving up my own happiness I would to see him and my, who I never met for just another hour.Because in honesty to myself I truly believe it my fault for their deaths.If I wasn’t born my mother might still be alive.My father wouldn’t have had become an alcoholic and smoker and wouldn’t have gotten cancer and died.He wouldn’t have had wasted his time on someone like me, a kid who keeps on disappointing and would have lived a happier life.You might say I’m wrong, but only wrong to you and right to me, even if it kills me.
Brandon, I am so sorry to hear of the losses you've faced and all the ways you continue to suffer. I think so many grievers know that feeling of regret. Wishing they had just one more hour with the person they lost, to tell them everything they think they need to hear. There is a lot of unfinished business in grief. The loss of someone we love means an ending when we felt we were still in the middle, or in your case, even the beginning. We talk about this in our article, "Grieving the Relationship That Never Was": http://www.griefincommon.com/blog/a-different-kind-of-loss-grieving-the-relationship-that-never-was/. I would hope that can be a help to you. In the meanwhile I want so badly to tell you that you are not responsible for the loss of your parents, but that is a conclusion that you'll accept only if and when you are ready, and when you are able to come to that conclusion yourself. No one can tell you that. You have to explore the idea of being responsible for these losses more, follow it back to its origins and ask yourself, is that really true? Can anyone ever be fully responsible for the actions and choices another person makes or are there other factors, other stressors, things like genetics and environment and the multitude of life stresses that also lead a person to go down the road they went? I hope you can take an honest look at those questions and relieve yourself some of the burden you carry. And I hope you can find some help and support here. There are others who understand, and we're all here to help. Thank you for sharing your story with us, we wish you all the best. Please take care~
