Loss of my Husband

I’m so sorry for the loss of your love! That pain is so jarring, and it’s an ache that resembles the depth of love you felt. You are not alone in your grief.

At times, I felt as if I didn’t want to carry on, and at times I didn’t believe that I could. I have to believe that when I go on living that I am honoring the love that I lost. His love is the gift that carries me through the darkest, most painful days.

 

Deborah, I sense that you will be a
valuable addition to GIC. I look forward
to "talking " with you. I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts, so I'm
in a different time zone from you. It's
9:30 pm,my bedtime, bc I like to get up
early. I will sign off now. I'm sure other
members will welcome you in the
morning. Lou

 

Deborah,
Thank you for answering me. I have been keeping busy with friends. I as so fortunate to have such a special group of women. We have a bond all 15 of us and support each other. Grief is the cost of loving. I would never change anything in my life to eliminate the grief and pain I feel now. I have been making myself do the things that we did together. The first step is difficult but I need to go out and be among people. I tell myself each morning. I can do this and so far is is working. Yes, I cry but before Tom died we had an opportunity to talk about my life after him. He had thoughts and suggestions and left me with his love and caring.

 

You have all been so kind to me. As I reread all of your comments I feel blessed to be a part of this forum. We have all had such losses and your willingness to share your thoughts and love with me means the world. Thank you so much.

 

Janiceanne, woke up early this morning,
and was so happy to see your reply to
Deborah late last night. I am very glad
you & Deborah, our newest members,
have decided to stay with us. In the past,
I've been reluctant to greet potential
new members, bc some have disappeared,
after I poured my heart out, and relived
the last moments of my soulmate on
earth. But, now I do an abbreviated version, and take a chance. Lou

 

Good morning,
It is hard to venture out into a new community with something as painful and raw as grief can be. Finding a safe, trusting and supportive place is equally difficult. I too have felt some moments of awkwardness when people I trusted proved to be less than empathetic. I also worry about saying the wrong things. It’s a hard road, trying to make new connections, feel safe again and have companionship in this journey. I am usually very busy, because even though I’m no spring chicken, I am trying to complete my master’s degree. I know Steve would support me, but there are times that I am exhausted, and times that I feel like an old fool for doing this! But I really also feel called to be here and listen and support all of the people who are seeking a listening and compassionate ear. Sorry if that sounds like a complaint.

 

Deborah, it's OK that you can't always be
on GIC, bc you are still working . Many of
us are older than you and retired. You
can post, or reply, when the spirit moves.
If that's too much, you can just put a
"LIKE" to posts, to show you're still there.
I thought Janiceanne had moved on, but
I'm glad she stayed with us. Lou

 

Thank you so much for the very warm welcome. I think one of the most challenging things about grieving is finding a way out of the loneliness that comes with the loss of a spouse or any loved one. Here, we can help each other feel a little less lonely and a little more connected to others who understand the depth of our pain. Thank you so very much!! Much love and comfort to all of you!

 

Deborah,
Yes, it is a lonely place we are all in right now. It seems like everywhere I look I see Tom. He wanted a dog during the last year when he will so fragile and it was impossible for me to deny him anything that would make him happy. So I have this 9 year old rescue Boykin Spaniel she is a most special dog. Living her life as a breeder she was kept in a kennel. Now I have a problem of leaving her if I need to leave for an extended period of time. I am all she has and , if you can believe, she still looks for Tom. She stayed by his side during his illness and never left when his illness progressed. I even took her to see him at Hospice House on those last four days. What am I to do? I love her as well and I can't put her into a kennel. I don't want her to think I left her. Any suggestions anyone. Need some help here. On other thoughts.
Lou in answer to you. I am so happy I found this site and I plan to stay. It is really lonely here. So many decisions. It is always something. The worse is having no one, I can totally trust, to bounce my comments and questions with. Simple things, what do you want for dinner to why doesn't the phone work or how often should I start the truck to keep the battery charged or the washer is making strange noises how about this one why did the lights blink last night with no wind or storm?
There are so many things that I took for granted and now I have to figure out what to do with all the tools etc.
We always exchanged presents for Christmas quite often it was something we both wanted such as a trip or just a fancy dinner. We were just so happy together we even enjoyed going to the dump. All we ever wanted was to be together. I want that right now as I cry my way through the evening. Christmas for all of us will be hard and I am here to talk and share stories. I send all of you my love and many hugs. Talk to you soon
Janice

 

One other question. I have been getting Christmas cards addressed to both of us and I am having a problem I just don't know how to write a note telling them of Tom's passing. I know I should just write but the words and sentences just don't seem to come. Has anyone else had this problem? How did you handle the cards?
Thanks,
Janice

 

Sorry for your loss! I agree the loneliness is the worse. Talking to others that understand what you going through does feel good. It helps us to get things off our chest. Keeping busy will definitely help also. My kids keep.me.busy and I know if it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't move at all. Praying for your strength with each passing day.

 

Janice, just woke up, briefly, and checked
in with GIC. Thank you for saying my
name and answering my question. I am
so glad you're staying with us. I'm so sorry
about your dilemma regarding your dog.
Since I don't have any pet, I hope that
someone else here ,who does, will step
forward and help you. I was moved when
you said you and Tom were so happy
together, that you even enjoyed going to
the dump with him.,In the book, The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, the
author, Jonathan Santlofer , says that it's
the little things we miss the most, things
we took for granted then. but wish we
could do again with our loved ones. I was
so taken with the book, that I emailed
Jonathan to thank him. He astonished me
by taking the time to write back to me. His
wife of 40 years, Joy, died suddenly, in
front of him, just like Linda died suddenly
in front of me, after 25 years of marriage.
The difference is that he & Joy had a
daughter. now an adult , with whom he
can mourn, but Linda & I had no children.
Everyone grieves differently. Jonathan
said he keeps busy by immersing himself
in writing new books, going on book tours,
and being on panels with other authors.
It gave me comfort hearing an
interview with him about his grief on
YouTube. I told him I was on the GIC
site, and he thought that was a good idea.
I've become especially close with people
here, like Robin, who lives on Long Island,
near the ocean, like I do in Massachusetts.
Her husband, Ron, died about the same
time Linda did, right before Thanksgiving,
4 years ago. The first 2 years were rough,
and I turned down dinner invitations,
bc I was depressed & wanted to be alone.
Last year and this year , I sat at the
Thanksgiving table with a kind family with
whom I've become close. Linda never
knew them, but I told them that Linda would've loved them, and they would've
loved Linda. Lou

 

Janice, I have been there. And I will be there again. Yes, it absolutely sucks. It feels like it will be eternity until we meet again. I understand the heartache. I’m with you, sending love, hugs and comfort.

 

Deborah, as I said to Janice, I am close to
Robin. from Long Island, NY, whose husband, Ron, died around the same time
Linda did, right before Thanksgiving ,
2018. She introduced the concept of
" happy mixed with sad". All of The
Grief Warriors ( TGW) on this forum
feel that way. As we all know, it is the price
we pay for loving a soulmate. I cried
this morning, in fact, saying to Linda
that I loved her and missed her. I felt
better after crying , got out of bed, and
wanted to face the day, as I had promised
Linda I would. I am going out to
breakfast with a friend, who Linda
never knew, but I told him she would've
liked. Thank you, Deborah , for your
insights, and reaching out to comfort
Janice. My mission is to help others,
both on & off GIC. Lou

 

I was not going to go here but let me share a bit of my story. Tom is my second marriage. My first husband died suddenly. He was to pick me up at the airport, I had spoken to him earlier in the day, but he never came to get me. When I finally got home he was sitting in the chair and had died in the space of four hours. I was 61 and had been married to a wonderful man for almost 30 years. We had no children. Tom's wife died from Pancreatic Cancer. How we ever met is a story for another time but we had a most special relationship. We were both grieving when we met, living in different parts of the country, spoke on the phone and finally agreed to meet in person. We decided that life was short, and being older, we decided to see where our relationship would go. It is beyond belief how it is possible to have two soulmates in one lifetime. This is how my loss of Tom is so very difficult.

 

Janice, that is a wonderful, though
heartbreaking story. Thank you for
sharing it with us. Like many of my
widowed friends here, I'm not sure how I
feel about embarking on another relationship. No woman will ever replace
Linda in my heart, of course, but I may be
open , at 73, to be with a female companion, with whom to walk along the
ocean, share a meal, a laugh, and, yes,
affection. But, after 4 years, I like the
quiet of my apartment, and the freedom to
come and go. One day, when Linda was
becoming sicker, she had "the talk" with
me. She made me promise to try to be
healthy & happy, and even to find another
woman. I was angry, and didn't want to
hear that. Linda looked at me, with a
sly smile, and said, "Well, if something
happened to YOU, I'd find another man!".
She knew what she was doing. I got
angry AGAIN, & then, we laughed. Lou

 

Awww! Janice although you're sad and hurt its sweet how you and Tom help each other heal. Im typing this with teary eyes. I know the feeling is probably really heavy and weighing on you because the person that helped you get through it before is gone. My heart really goes out to you. As time go by a d you get stronger those memories and time yall had willbring smiles to your face and pull you through. We are all here for.you so express yourself here as much as you like. Sending you a virtual hug!

 

Hi Janiceanne, for me I couldn't do any cards so I didn't and it didn't bother me. Most of our friends and family knew about Jack's passing via e-mail or phone. It's been two years since Jack died and I was able to send out about 4 cards. I lost 1/2 of my life when he passed. We're were married 39 years and knew each other for 3 years. I can't have too much in my head at once meaning if stress of life gets too much or family get togethers get to be too much I can't handle it. So, I'm careful to keep things out of my head.
I know how you feel about cards and writing about Tom's passing. It's hard and so is this awful journey, but we carry on, we wake up, we get through our day, and be kind to yourself, lesson pressure in your head. Karen goes by Ms Hum if you see that nickname. Bless you Janiceanne.

 

Janice, is it possible to hire a pet sitter when you are gone for period of time? I know how you feel. My husband, Jack, had a cat named Rambo. During Jack's stay at home with hospice Rambo knew something wasn't right. I put him on Jack's hospital bed to visit, he went up to Jack sniffed his cheek and immediately ran off. He knew. I had him for 1 1/2 years afterward. He was 16 and had bouts of illness. I cancelled everything to stay home as much as I can. He was my savior after losing Jack I didn't want to lose him. But, I did. Well, that's my story. I have Rambo ashes along side Jack's, loved them both. Karen

 

Karen, I cried when I read that you loved
both Rambo and Jack, and put their ashes
side by side. Linda said I was a softie, and
she was right. She'd see me crying during
a sad scene in a movie, look at me, and
say, " you hard hearted thing!". I'm glad
you told Janice that you sometimes go
by the name, Ms, Hum. I'm honored ,
pleased, and amused, that you do. It
makes me smile to call you that. I know
you get a kick of our other fun nicknames,
like Debster & Louster. Lobster Man