Loss of my daughter

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by kate73, Nov 16, 2016.

  1. kate73

    kate73 Member

    Three years ago , my daughter aged 20 died in her sleep .it was unexpected. She had been unwell with an infection but the hospital sent her home. She was my first, she had special needs and she slept in my room because she didn't like sleeping on her own. We went to bed that night said we loved each other and good night. The alarm went iff the morning but she didn't move , i thought she was pretending to still be asleep. Even when i gently shook her and she didn't move, it still didn't register thst something was wrong. I stroked her cheek and she was cold, i kept saying baby don't leave me, after a minute it registered she wasn't breathing so i started cpr. I was screaming for a help and i ran to the door. My neighbour heard me and rushed in, he called an ambulance and we both did cpr till the paramedics came, they shocked her for over 40 minutes but she wss gone, i find it hard to talk about her death. But myself and her two brothers talk about her, my parents weren't supportive saying after about 4 months, that i should be over it. This xnas will ger 4th away from us and it still feels like yesterday that she was here with us. How can i ever get over losing my only daughter. She was my baby and she should be here with us. I later found out her death was due to medical negligence, if the hospital had treated het infection, it wouldn't have gone to her heart.she died from cardiac arrhythmia. Its a bitter pill to swallow that her death was preventable. But because her death was ruled natural causes. No one had to answer for their mistakes.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Kate I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. There is so much here for you to have to endure, I can understand where it all seems too much.
    First and foremost I want you to find validation here. I want you to know that you are not supposed to be "over it" and that we never NEVER get over losing a loved one. Especially because this loss was sudden you had no time at all to prepare- at 4 months, most people may just be starting to feel the numbness and shock wear off. And that's where the reality and depth of the loss can begin to set in. And sometimes it all takes much longer than that. You can not be on anyone else's timeline. You have suffered a great loss and you are going to need a lot of time to process all that you've gone through.
    Please be gentle and kind with yourself. Take the time you need. Experience the grief as it is meant to be experienced. Love and honor and cherish the memory of your daughter.
    I'm glad you have come here and hope you can find the support and comfort you need~
  3. kate73

    kate73 Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words. My parents but especially my mum couldn't understand why after 4 months i was still so numb and in shock. My mum actually said to me that i was wallowing and just looking for sympathy and i should be getting on with things. When my baby girl died i went into shock but i dealt with her funeral and included her brothers with the choices of hymns etc.every day i got up ,put one foot in front of the other because my boys needed me, at night is when i screamed her name, convinced myself she wasn't gone but visiting my sister and she would be back soon, i did this for about 6 months. I couldn't allow myself to think i would never see her again the pain was too much too bear. My youngest son was just 12 when she died and his 13th birthday occurred just 2 months after she died, he didn't want a party but i told him she would have wanted him too. It was just a small family affair but halfway through the party i started to get this stabbing pain in my chest, i went outside and just sobbed my heart out, the grief came through as a physical pain because i was trying so hard not to be sad for my sons sake. Your right we have to be allowed to grieve at our own pace. I was suffering terrible flashbacks from when i found her and i couldn't breathe.my doctor kept telling me it was part of the grief process but 4 months after she died, i couldn't bear the pain , i wanted to be with her so much, i took an overdose luckily i wss found. You see my daughter had special needs and apart from school, she was always with me, until she wss 12 she slept in my bed, she was always there beside me, we had such a great relationship between us, we could joke around and she was always in great humour. She wasn't just my daughter she was my best friend. To think irs three years since I've hugged and kissed her is unbearable. I cut my parents out of my life but my boys see them, i don't need their judgemental comments.they stopped talking about her. My daughter lived she existed , she was my baby girl. I had her cremated and kep her ashes till i had her laid with my uncle when he passed. I couldn't bear the thought of her alone.
  4. Broken18

    Broken18 New Member

    Kate, my heart goes out to you. I have a younger brother with special needs and they are truly a blessing from God. Sometimes when we grieve people's words can be so cruel and hurt so deep, which only intensifies or grieving process. No one has any right to tell us we should snap out of it move on etc. Each and every person grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit in which we should be done grieving. I lst my husband suddenly back in August. And I just lst my first Born son. He died suddenly in NOVEMBER 17. My world has been completely turned upside down. But I am learning that I need to learn how to grieve. I Was always always a strong person throughout my life I was the type of person that would always put a smile on my face and face the day. No one would ever have any idea what difficult things I was going through in my life. But with the sudden loss of my husband and my son within 90 days of one another I have come to an understanding that it's ok that I am not strong if I want to cry I have to cry if I chose to be quiet I will be quiet. I am not going to have anyone tell me I should be moving on and getting over it. I am trying to allow my emotions and deep deep pain to come through instead of burying all my feelings inside because I need to release it in order to heal. It is not an easy process for me but I know it is something I must do. Remember we who grieve are not alone.
    griefic likes this.
  5. KER

    KER Member

    Kate & Broken, my son died in April of this year. Yes, Broken, we are not alone. I am overwhelmed by the numbers of parents on this site just like me, aching, hurting, bleeding inside. Kate, your parents don't understand, and really, I don't think anyone who hasn't lost a child CAN understand what we feel. There is NO GETTING OVER THIS.....there is only getting THROUGH it, enduring the bad days when they come and rejoicing in the good days. If you need to stay away from your folks, so be it. It is OK to cry, it is OK to scream, it is OK to be angry. I agree with Broken....no one can tell me how, when, and for how long I can grieve. I don't believe my life will ever be the same as it was before I lost my boy. I will miss him until the day I die.
  6. Broken18

    Broken18 New Member

    Ker you are right our lives will never be the same. When my husband passed away suddenly in August it feels like half of me is missing and then my son died suddenly 2 weeks ago and another part of me is Gone. I am a Christian and have my faith but I feel maybe I'm being punished so God keeps taking things away from me. There is such intense emotions with Losing two people suddenly in such a short time. My mind can't sort thru all of this. When I lost my husband and the deep sorrow thinking of it would cause a lump in my throat but when I think about my son I don't feel that the emotion I feel it in the Pit of my stomach it literally makes me sick. I know life does go on but it's empty for me the future means nothing. I have 3 children and 3 grandkids and people say you still have 3 kids and your grAndkids. It's like I want to say I know I do but I can't help I still feel empty and list and I don't care about the future. When I opened my mail the other day and received a check for my husbands life insurance I just looked at it and cried and cried I don't want it I Want him and I want my son back. I haven't even cashed it yet. I just don't care. I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is going to go and I honestly don't even care. I'm technically homeless but I'm living with my Mom now. And it makes me sad to say this but it is the worst place and person to be around when grieving. If you look up the word Narcissist that's my mother. And beyond the sudden loss of my son, One person in the family caused so so much unnecessary drama basically towards me that it crushed me beyond words and it is still going on. I can't even grieve my sons loss because of this. My heart shattered when I lost my husband and my heart shattered when I lost my son and now daily my heart keeps getting shattered because of this one person causing so so much drama and the reason it hurts so deeply is because it's my daughter doing it. I just don't know anymore.
  7. KER

    KER Member

    Broken, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with family on top of dealing with grief. I have no pat answers......I'm stumbling my way through this too......but here are just a few thoughts.........

    I, too, am a Christian. Know this: God is NOT punishing you. He is SUPPORTING you, even though it feels like He's far away (we're so enveloped by grief that we have a hard time feeling His presence). He is right beside you, Broken, crying with you, feeling your pain. Remember (and this is something I keep telling myself after I lost my son) : God knows what it's like to lose a child. He gave up His son for us, willingly!

    In 2012 I lost my mom. I thought there was no pain worse (I was wrong.) My brother lost his wife. The next year we lost our stepdad (like a father to us). In 2014 my sister lost her husband. In 2015 I had a serious auto wreck, almost died, spent three weeks in the hospital. My mother-in-law died while I was recuperating. Later that year our dad died. These tragedies just seemed to pile up, one on top of the other. And then the worst: My son died in April this year.

    My faith's been tested. I've waivered, faltered, stumbled, fallen. But I keep counting on God.....He is the only constant I have to cling to. Everything else in this life is temporary. And I can only imagine how bad the pain would be if it weren't for Him.

    Divorce yourself (just my opinion, mind you) from the people who start sentences with, "Well, at least you have..........." They are not helpful, supportive, or, for that matter, very smart. They are clueless. We have literally lost a part of ourselves and they really have nothing in their experiences that compares with that, and they think they have to say something, so they try to "console" you with reminders of what we DO have left in our lives; in other words, we should be GRATEFUL for what we have. Well, no duh.....of course I'm grateful for what I have......but do they honestly think what we still have makes up for what we've lost???? There is no time frame, no instruction manual, no rulebook on grief. We all deal with it differently, in our own time.

    It may be that your daughter's drama is her way of dealing with the loss of her father and brother. Again, people react differently, in their own way. And I do know that grief has colored how I perceive situations.

    In any case, I hope you can find your own place to stay because where you are right now seems a caustic environment for you......and you need some peace. Know that I am thinking of you, will be praying for you and Kate. I am so glad to have found this website. I think it's cathartic for us to be able to "talk" to each other in solidarity and support. That being said, I've read many posts, and sometimes I just have to sign out, because the anguish and grief expressed in these pages is overwhelming. Though I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone, it helps to know I'm not alone.

    Hang in there, new friends..........
  8. Anna Goodwin

    Anna Goodwin New Member

    I lost my daughter, 38 yrs. old, four years ago. I am still very much in grief, and can't surmount it. It is complicated grief, but it doesn't ever leave you. I did have a therapist some time ago that seemed to help, but it became very expensive to continue. She did not accept insurance payments. In any case, Christina died of PNET's. If anyone out there has had the same experience and can help me, please reach out, I need someone who understands what I'm going through. thank you. Anna
  9. KER

    KER Member

    Anna, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. If you've read the previous posts on this thread you know that there is no time frame for "getting over" the loss of a loved one........and shame on anyone who even suggests that. You are living proof that, even after four years, we continue on this grief journey. We who have lost children understand you, Anna, and grieve with you. Therapy is great, but, as you know, very expensive. This website we've found doesn't FIX anything......but it is helpful to "talk" with others who understand our pain. I am blown away by how many people "out there" are just like us, aching, hurting, despondent,......And I'm amazed I made it through the holidays without collapsing.

    Know you're not alone.