Loss of husband in 2020 and unearthing betrayal

Hello everyone, I'm happy to have found this forum. My husband was 55 when he died very suddenly in August of 2020. I was devastated as I loved this man with all my heart. It was a second marriage for both of us and we had been together 10 years.
Three days after died I was looking at a box I found of all of our old phones over the years. I found heartwarming text messages to one another and I looked at photos. It was actually quite a calming experience for me.
I looked at his call log for some reason, not sure why really, I had no reason to. I noticed a number had been calling him daily in the morning on his way to work and in the afternoon on his way home. Long calls. I knew something was wrong, so I called the number. It was disconnected, but my husband had saved the first initial and name in his phone. When I hung up from trying to call the actual first name popped up. Female. I went into his email and searched for that name.
What I found changed me forever. I found two email messages where he had sent himself several screenshots of BBM conversations with a woman. I spent hours reading them. The email he sent to himself was titled "being threatened, what do I do". She stated she had been pregnant, they had been together for a few years. She was 30 and he was 55. She had a husband. I remember sitting there in stunned silence. I kept reading them hoping it was some kind of joke.
I then plugged in every phone we had and started to look through them. I found over 300 screenshots of other BBM conversations with this woman. She was kind enough to have photographed herself at work, so I knew her name and I knew where she worked.
I was still really in shock from the death, and now this. I ended up calling her at work a few days later. I don't really remember what I said to her, all I remember is her sitting in silence.
I found her husband on facebook. They had been separated for 2 years. I sent him the screenshots I had and he and I have actually kept in touch since.
Many months later I went to his laptop and found recordings of telephone calls. Each person had a file of their own, I was there, my daughter, his work, this woman. He had kept 2 years of phone calls with this woman on his computer. Everything from them meeting on Ashley Madison, to the last call they had.
He had been lying to her about his life. He told her he was terminally ill and had to break off the affair. He was not ill. He told her at one point we had separated and he was living far away. Again, not true.
Yes, I did listen to nearly all the calls. I wanted to see what their reality was.
Finally, about 6 months later I learned that everything he had told me about his life was a lie. I won't go into detail, but pretty much everything. I then found out via a business card for a therapist that he had been having sex with men since he was in his early 20s.
I went for a full STD panel which was thankfully negative.
I have sold everything that had been his. I took his ashes to NYC and spread them in Central Park. He loved it there. My daughter went with me, and she left me alone while I did this. I told him how much I loved him and how I will never forget our time together. I didn't mention the betrayal.
I sold my wedding ring set last weekend. Not for monetary reasons, just to give someone a chance to have a really nice ring for about 10 percent of its value. A very sweet young man bought the ring and told me how grateful he was.
I've burned through several therapists. My situation is so unusual I guess it's hard for them to provide therapy. I've been referred to someone who specializes is Betrayal Trauma and associated PTSD. I have one nightmare that doesn't seem to want to go away that bothers me a lot. For the first year when I thought I was only dealing with the girlfriend I obsessed about her, a lot more than what was healthy. Since I've learned the rest, I have moved on from that because I realize now he didn't love her. He didn't love me, he didn't love himself.
I am really looking forward to connecting with people here. I apologize for the long note. Sometimes it feels good to get it out there. I have only told 3 people. His mother is in her 80s and I didn't think it was necessary for her to know these things about her son. She loved him and she grieves the loss.
I guess that's one thing I forgot to mention. I do not grieve his loss at all anymore, I really didn't from the day I found the affair.

 

Your heartbreaking story sounds like a
bad movie, but unfortunately it's true, and
happened to you. My late wife , Linda,
was a perceptive & funny woman, with
great expressions. One of them was about
a lying adulterer: "he can't keep it in his
pants". You are an amazing woman, who
didn't want to tell your husband's mother
about his betrayal, violation of your
marriage vows ( why get married?), and
horrible , lifelong behavior. May I ask
your first name, and the country in which
you live? Usually, I also ask the name of
one's soulmate, but I won't in this case, bc
he was not your soulmate. You have
come to the right place. Grief in Common
(GIC) is a group of kind, nonjudgemental
widows & widowers. My wife, Linda, died
in front of me, shockingly and suddenly,
from a pulmonary embolism . She had
been undergoing PT to help her walk,while
battling breast cancer & diabetes. Linda
was 68. We were married 25 yrs, no
children. I had to see a grief counselor,
bc I couldn't sleep, bc I had PTSD, and
couldn't get that last image of Linda out
of my mind. My name is Lou. I chose
Van Gogh as my user name, bc I was
tortured about my wife's death, like the
tortured soul of the famous painter. I
live on the northern coast of Massachusetts
in the United States. Lou

 

Tink, OMG, to lose your husband not knowing the ghosts in his closet then finding out after he passed must of been shocking to say the least. I can't imagine how you felt and still feel. You seem to realize he was not a person to know love. From what I've read you seem to be a strong woman who will get through this and you will. My heart goes out to you. My name is Karen

 

I’m so sorry Tink. That has to be incredibly painful. Know that you are supported here. Your grief would be compounded by all of this. Hugs and love and comfort.
Deborah A.

 

Oh Tink, Your story is so hard to believe. Please know how sorry I am for your painful experience. I just can't imagine your shock. Know I send you lots of love and hugs. I am Janiceanne

 

Tink,

I'm so glad some of my friends got here way before I did, to welcome you to our group, but so sorry you had to find us!!! Your story is so over the top heartbreaking... I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling... I'm (almost) at a loss for words. My late husband, my children, friends, and our GIC "family," would tell you that this is over the top rare!!!

I love how you spread his ashes in Central Park, said goodbye to him, told him how much you loved him, in spite of the fact you were over him. When you look back on that day, you should be very proud of yourself for how you handled the situation. You are a very kind person to have spared your husband's mother from learning that her son was not the man who he pretended to be. These things tell me, as Karen has already said, that you're a very strong person, and you WILL!!! get through this...

I wish there was something I could do or say, to make you feel even the slightest bit better, but I know this is impossible. This is a wonderful site, filled with so many good people, who will always be here to "listen," give you a virtual shoulder to lean on, the very best virtual hugs!!!, maybe even offer advice, but, and this is a really BIG!!! BUT!!!, you can take our advice or leave it, we'll be here for you no matter what. As Lou has already told you, this is a judgement free place, we will be here to support you, no matter what you decide to do.

I hope this will become your safe place, as it's become for me. I hope you will stick around, get to "know" us, give us the chance to get to "know" you.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

"Tink", many people here have tried to help you, like my good friends , DEB and
Karen. It would be wonderful if you
could respond, and not do a hit and run,
and disappear, as other potential
members did. I had asked your real first
name, so I wouldn't call you "Tink". Do
what's best for you. Lou

 

Good afternoon Tink,

How are you? Your painful story has been on my mind all week. I can remember at the beginning of my grief journey, reading long things and writing anything of any length was very difficult. I came to learn through my support group and counselor that this is a common experience. Don’t feel pressure to do anything. But knowing that you have been through this trauma, please don’t forget that everyone is here for you. Grief is recovering from a traumatic loss, at least for me it was. The raw, gripping pain can be overwhelming. We’re here to help you and listen. Hugs, love and comfort. Deborah A.

 

Deb, I've learned the hard way, on GIC,
not to go into great detail of Linda's last
days on earth. I would feel angry, and
take it personally, if a potential new
member didn't reply to my post. Now, I
give an abbreviated account: my wife's
name, cause of death, her age, the number
of yrs we were married, and how long ago
it happened. Then, I ask the new person
his, or her, real name. My guess is that
'Tink" had to vent, tell her story, and move
on. I could be wrong, but I understand if
that's all she wanted to do. Lou

 

I'm still around but feel MIA in my heart and soul lately. Every day seems harder than the previous one. I just can't seem to pull it together. I have no motivation or energy to do anything. The same old story from LombardVille the Desolate subUrb

 

Bro Lombardo Da Vinci, the sometime
Wed Art Therapy artist: I know you feel
like crap, physically sometimes, and too
unmotivated to post, so I appreciate
your post today. It's a dreary, gray, rainy
day here, but I tell myself St. Patrick's
Day is exactly one month from now, and
that's right before the first day of spring,
which will make us all feel better. Do
they still turn the lake green near
Chicago, for the holiday? LobsterDude

 

The dye the Chicago River green still.

 

Weird city you got there, Bro! Used to
see big parades in Boston, but don't
care about going to the city now. Louster

 

I find it real hard to care about anything right now. Bored, lonely, cold. I feel like the world is so constricted by bullshit rules regulations and mandates. This sick love of money, cheap crap and pointless entertainment. I feel like there are so few alternatives to the bland mainstream. We live in a society of narrowing possibilities and closed doors. There seems to be a profound lack of choice these daze. Monday will be two years. It isn't easy. Nothing I really want to do.

 

So sorry, George. 2 year mark SUCKS BIG
TIME, as DEB says. We're here for you. Lou

 

I’m so sorry! I have to apologize because I don’t know your name or nickname. I am coming up on four years in a few weeks. It still SUCKS!! Is it easier? Maybe. But it effing sucks. There’s a huge hole in your heart and life that hurts. And we have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other. People are full of advice and judgment. It’s painful. It’s lonely. The only positive is that I have met a few gems who are truly, truly, truly loving, beautiful people who reconnect me to love and goodness on the universe. I saw a movie where they called it collateral beauty. Life is full of that. And there synchronicities where I know Steve is still here. It still is painful. Be patient with yourself, be loving to yourself and don’t feel pressured to be feeling any particular way. Thank you for coming here to share your pain. It helps me to feel less alone and anxious. Grief can be horribly lonely and overwhelming, so thank heavens that we have each other. I’m so sorry that I didn’t know your name, but I’m here for you and I’m doing the best I can these days. February will always suck for me. But I’m sending you my love and hugs. ❤️ Deborah A.

 

Thanks Deborah! I'm George or as Lou calls me; Lombardo. I try to be TUGW (the ultimate grief warrior) but I just can't always do it. It\s so hard when I feel so empty inside and useless. I know it's irrational but I don't much care.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your name, George. I can relate to feeling useless. People have suggested to me that I have self compassion. It’s not easy, but I believe that we have to try to love ourselves as our loved ones did/do. Try to do that for yourself. Hug yourself from me. And remind me of your spouse’s/partner’s name. You are not alone, and you will have better days. For now, wrap yourself in the love and hugs of those who know something about what you’re experiencing. ❤️
Love and hugs,
Deborah A.

 

By the way, I don’t feel like I have this place figured out yet, so I hope that I am sending this to the right person!!

 

I think you did!