Loss after three decade relationship.

Jim, as I said to Deb, in reply to her long,
heartfelt message to me. I went to bed
at 9:30pm, Eastern Standard time &
missed her message and yours. Thank you.
You were kind enough to reveal Mary's
name. I like to say Linda's name to friends,
both on this site and off. I know that your
pain is excruciating, bc Mary died so
recently, and Linda died 2 & a half years
ago. As I said in an email to Jonathan,
the author of The Widower's Notebook, I
felt he was the brother I never had. He
emailed back that he was proud to call me
" brother". I feel the same way about you,
Jim, and I hope you will call me Lou, and
think of me as a brother, too. L

 

The very reason you state is the reason I have to move. To me, this house in ever corner reminds me of him. He lives on in my heart and soul. This to me is the house we bought snd remodeled. It is not our home any longer but the place that took him away. I had to go to cardiologist because my blood pressure shot up and I was feeling so sick and sad. She told me short term meds or I will have heart problems. After his cremation and the realization he was gone and not to return, I started thinking of moving. A place new to explore, no stores we visited, new people. Our love will always continue..
I have started donating things to other disabled vets of his. He will live on for others. I will keep you posted on my moving journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers.,,

 

As you earlier stated, our thought, pain, loss and encouragement gets aired here with others telling their story of how their journey ended up in this forum. We are left for a purpose. My parents, brother, sister and husband are all gone. I remain. I have a sign on our rocking chair front porch. “Life is a journey, make the most of it.” Each day is a new journey that God has given me. What will I make if it today… have a blessed day…..

 

Connie, I just woke up & read your
message to Deb. Although you live in
Georgia and I live on the Massachusetts
coast, you & I are in the same time zone.
I'm so glad you're moving, and I like that
Deb is thinking of moving herself. I didn't
do it alone. When Linda was in the rehab/
nursing home, the food was terrible. I
would go across the street to a beautiful,
serene English Tea Room, and buy tea,
scones, & sandwiches, and bring them
back to Linda, so we could eat together.
The restaurant owner would ask how
Linda was, everyday, but never met her.
When Linda died, I tried to call the kind
owner, in her 40s, but she wasn't home &
I had to call her friend. Later, the owner
visited me in my winter motel, and I
couldn't stop crying. She & her 11 year
old son helped me move the small stuff
to my new apartment. A moving van
brought the big furniture that was in
storage. Then, mother & son took me to a
thrift shop, which sold items to benefit
the poor people in our community. I took
Linda's winter coat & shoes, with sadness,
but I had to move quickly, without over-
thinking. I packed up all her clean clothes
in bags, to be picked up by a charitable
organization. Linda would have wanted
that. She had a warm heart. The funny
thing is that when we watched sad
movies at home, I was the one who cried
more. She would affectionately tease me,
saying, " You hard hearted thing!", & we
would both laugh. Of course, being the
sentimental mess I can be, I'm crying as
I write this. Your story, Deb's, and Jim's,
are heartbreaking, but we must keep
each other "posted". Lou

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband Jeff and I were married 31 years. He passed 3 years ago. I resonate with you, the house was so still. When Jeff passed I felt nothing but a void. It is very difficult to describe, I felt empty. I wasn't sure what I should be doing. Grief is hard, and everyone has their own journey, but you should know that we are here and we understand, we may not be able to fix anything but we will listen.
Peace
Mary

 

Mary, we spoke on forum about a week
ago. I find it easier to follow the thread
here. I've emailed with Karen (cjpines),
Connie (Don Con), Jim ( oneman), as well
as you. I feel so bad for everyone here
The death of your husband 3 years ago,
is still fresh in your memory, as is the
sudden death of my wife, Linda, 2 & a
half years ago. Mr grief counselor
suggested this website, but I wasn't ready
until now. It is good to be comforted &
to comfort others. Lou (Van Gogh)

 

My husband was also in the service and a disabled vet too. Soon after my husband passed away, my daughter found a wonderful nonprofit organization that picks up DME, left over prescription drugs, and anything else that you want to donate. The volunteers who arrived were wonderful, very kind, caring, compassionate people. I donated the hospital bed, rollator, along with all the other DME that was in the house. I also gave them all of my husband's remaining drugs. Many drugs were in the original packaging and unopened, but unfortunately, no doctors or hospitals where I live (guessing it's the same throughout the United States) are able to use them. I received a text the very next morning from one of the volunteers who picked up my husband's things, letting me know that the hospital bed, along with the rollator, were dropped off that same day, to a very grateful disabled couple, and that the hospital bed was already in use. He also told me that all of the insulin (very expensive), along with all of the other medications were being shipped overseas, and would be given to those in need. His thoughtful text, had me in tears, but they were happy tears, glad that these things could be put to good use. I know this would have made my husband very happy too.

I'm so sorry that you are having physical problems, but glad that you saw a cardiologist and are taking care of yourself. I always feel totally drained and exhausted, both emotionally and physically, but so far, considering all that has happened, I'm still in fairly good health. I'm grateful for this. However, probably due to lack of sleep, and being forced upon this miserable grief journey, I have more trouble than usual retaining information, find it harder to make decisions, and to express myself in writing.

Like you, I need to be in a new environment, one that doesn't hold any memories, one where I can begin to rebuild my life. I appreciate you keeping me posted as you continue along your moving journey. I hope your moving journey goes as smoothly as possible, that you love your new home, and will finally be in a place where you can continue to heal..., to grow..., to move forward..., and eventually, come to the end of your grief journey.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

❤️❤️❤️

 

Deb, as the widow of a veteran, like
Connie is (Don Con), you deserve my
deepest thanks. I never had to serve bc I
had a high lottery number in the Vietnam
era draft. But, I have a strong support for
our military. You DO have an eloquent
gift for words, as do the others here. In
fact, writing is my passion. I just let my
emotions flow, and like to read the emails,
the more detailed, the better, from kind
people like you. I've learned from my
weekly phone sessions with my therapist/
grief counselor, that it's OK to repeat
stories, to the therapist, & to the people
on Grief in Common. L

 

I'M STILL HERE, MY ARM GETS TIRED OF TYPING. I'VE READ EVERY ONES POSTS, AND IT HIT MY HEART IN TEARS. WE ALL ARE GOING THROUGH MUCH OF THE SAME.
THANKS FOR SHARING EVERYONE, ITS A TOUGH JOURNEY, GOD MUST HAVE A PLAN FOR US UNTIL WE MEET OUR LOVE ONES AGAIN.

 

God Bless You, Karen. I'm glad you got
to read our stories. I missed you, but wasn't worried bc you said you would
have company yesterday. Did they come?
I hope so. I felt claustrophobic, a couple
months ago, when I had to stay inside
after a medical procedure. I like to walk
outside, & it was very frustrating. I choose
not to have a phone, but watch videos &
lectures on my smart phone. I have a pen
pal, the old fashioned way. Met a couple
from Pa. when they visited here before
COVID. They love the ocean, & visit every
March & October, and stay in different
inns. I love to send them postcards. They
are only in their 50s, & still work, so I told
the husband he didn't have to write as
many cards as I do! I'm praying for your
arm to heal faster.when you are better,
I know you will be less depressed & able
to go out more. Lou

 

THANK YOU LOU

 

Lou,

Thank you for sharing this beautiful experience with me. I've also become more spiritual since my husband passed away. I agree, that the stranger who sang "Amazing Grace," and dedicated it to you and Linda, was meant to be at that music festival, and you were meant to meet him. I have to confess, I was a bit teary eyed reading about your day, but only in a good way. Although we don't know each other that well (yet), I think you made tremendous progress, being able to go to that music festival alone, and being grateful that you've finally found a place you can call home. I think Linda would be very proud of you!

I'm very glad I have the opportunity to get to know you too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

I've been reading through the thread here today. And there are some things that I saw.
When my wife passed and I started to deal with stuff, she had canes and walkers and medical supplies. I know the administrator of the assisted living facility here, I took all that stuff and donated it to them. They were appreciative of this.

During the Vietnam era, while the draft was taking place, I watched the numbers being called. I didn't get called. The draft stopped a few numbers before mine. So I didn't serve in the military. But, I have a younger brother who did serve. When he was old enough he joined the Navy. He hasn't had to be in any major conflicts. He still gave his time and effort. He progressed up through the ranks and after a 20 plus year career, retired. I always thank him for his service during the course of a year. We talk every so often and he appreciates the acknowledgement of his career. For those here who have family members who served, thank you.

When I started writing here I wasn't sure about saying one thing. I have noticed that every so often someone mentions that their spirituality has come into the situation. I have had a spiritual walk throughout my adult life. And a few years ago I became a pastor. This has been a rewarding career for me. I enjoy the work. It is my thoughts and feelings of God that has helped me through the past 4 1/2 months.
What has been interesting is to see the humanness of who I am. The struggle of watching my wife decline and then pass; I see the way someone (me) is so human.
My spiritual life has been important to me all of my life. It became even more important as my wife passed. I still ask "why". I still wonder about all that has and is happening. I still struggle each day. I see the humanness of who I am.
What happens from today going forward? I don't really know. I just work on my spirituality. And all the other things in this life. Each day has its challenges and maybe its moments of joy. I, for one, can only take each day one at a time.

As others have said every so often, may each of you find peace.

 

Thank you.

 

How are you today?

 

For 30 years my life has been the best. There have been times when my wife and I struggled with daily and weekly things. We worked through each of those moments together.
There have been times when we thought nothing could go wrong. Life was fun. We enjoyed those moments together.

It has all changed now. I sit in the office at home figuring out the bills. By myself. I run off to run errands. By myself. I worked in the yard today. By myself.
Everything is 'by myself'. This is not what I thought would happen in this marriage. Where is the sharing of the mundane and the usual? Where is the sitting together watching a movie? Or waking up and saying or hearing "good morning"?

Some days I'm okay with the way my life is now. Today was not one of them. My dog greets me when I walk in the door. This good. But it is not the same.
I want to tell my wife about the grass being mowed and the weeds pulled. Silence.
I want to tell Mary about buying the dog food yesterday. Silence.

How does a person work through the silence that wasn't there before? How does a person work through the lack of saying or hearing "good morning"?
Somehow I need to work through that "silence". Somehow.

 

ITS BEEN 9 MONTHS SINCE JACK DIED AND I'M RIGHT WITH YOU ON THIS. "SILENCE". MAYBE SOMEONE HERE CAN HELP US.

 

I know I need to work through this grief. I know it will take time. Some days I think it will be okay. Some days it seems like it will never end.
How does a person go through this?
When there is only me and the silence?

When I met the woman who would be my wife, I knew my life would be good. even through the hard times.
I did not expect this change in my life that happened more than six weeks ago.
And now I wonder about it all.