Loss after three decade relationship.

And Hi to you too, Patti. In case you didn't know I've been out of town for a week and just got back. My daughter took me back to where my husband, Jack, and I lived. She wanted to see it. It was a mistake for me to go back with all the memories, when I got home I've been having a relapse of crying and tearing all day. I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I did it for my daughter. It will be one year Nov 4th since I lost Jack. But, I'm a little better today not so much crying so far. Take care, Karen

 

Karen, sending Huge
Hug to you.
I miss my Jack constantly,
myFaith is what keeps
me going. I pray daily for
God to give peace to me
and all of us here.
Blessings, Patti

 

Lou, great news hearing
Your surgery went real
good, you had wonderful
Nurses and Dr. Will you
Be getting other eye done
soon? Mine were each done
two weeks apart, 20 years
ago.
Blessings, Patti

 

Thanks for remembering my surgery ,
Patti. You are so kind to follow our
friends here, like Karen. Thank you for
reaching out to her. I was worried, even
though I knew she went away with her
daughter. It is wonderful that you pray to
God about your dear Jack. I go down to
the ocean every day, and feel Linda's
spirit with me, in the presence of God.
I was extremely nearsighted. Now, my
right eye can see perfectly. A miracle of
modern science. I do have to wait until
Nov 3, for the left eye to be done. The
prescription sunglasses help on a sunny
day. I've learned to be patient, Patti. After
the death of my soulmate, Linda, all
these other health issues pale in
comparison. Have a good evening. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm smiling big time reading this. What a wonderful surprise!!! I love that you wrote to Jonathan Santlofer again, and just like the first time, he sent you a warm reply. There is a deep connection among all of us who have lost a spouse. A connection that is impossible to describe in words... The loss of our "person," our one true love, changes us in so many ways... I think the one thing all of us have in common, after experiencing the worst kind of pain imaginable, is a desire to reach out to others, to do whatever we can to try to help each other, as we all travel down this miserable path, the path that not one of us would ever choose to take. I bet Jonathan Santlofer is just as glad to hear from you, as you are glad to hear from him. I can't wait to get the book!!! I looked up his book online, and there were so many wonderful reviews. Thank you again, for recommending this book to all of us.

It's amazing how the Center For Loss quotes seem to have such perfect timing! I totally agree with your thoughts on those way too many "slo mo" grief days. It really does help "talking" to friends, being outside, experiencing all the beauty in Nature...

Over dinner last night, my friend and I (with her dog sitting between our chairs, looking directly at whoever was talking, as though he actually understood the conversation), were talking about how it doesn't seem natural to be living alone, and how being alone, and lonely, are two of the worst feelings. She agrees with us, with what you told Cynde 1996, that the hardest times being alone, are first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. She said that as we continue to age, and more of our friends lose their spouses, that we should all live under one roof, in a big house, each of us having a separate bedroom, bathroom, and living room, but sharing a really big kitchen, and a large space where we could hang out together. We could share meals together if we wanted, maybe just plan on sharing dinners together, and have a different person do the cooking each night. We would be free to come and go, just as if we were living apart from each other, but we would be there, to help each other, if one of us got sick, or was going through a tough time. Of course it would be a really difficult plan to put together!!! We both agree that this would only work if we were living with very close friends. I can only think of three friends who I would ever even remotely consider doing something like this with. I've only known my friend who I had dinner with last night, for a little over a year, but she's one of the only persons I would ever consider doing something like this with. Her friendship makes living here, in this place that I want to move away from so badly, just a bit easier.

Backing way up, I'm glad that your appointment went well this morning. I hope the rest of your day went well too, that your evening is off to a good start...

Stopping here for now, going to make something for dinner.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou, did you get my response to you? It's on page 32. Just wondering if it went cyber space. Sometimes it's hard to catch everyone's post. Take care and very glad your surgery went well. My thoughts were with you. Jack was surprised how great he could see distance. K

 

What a great reply, Deb! I'm eating an
easy supper. that can't get cold. I wanted
easy things to eat the days after surgery.
You are right that as busy as Jonathan is,
he was genuinely pleased to hear from
me 2 years later. He said that his way of
dealing with the sudden death of his
wife, Joy, after 40 years of marriage. Is
to throw himself into his work. He is a
little older than I, and has many friends,
some are other writers. I told him what
works for me, as a retired man. He's
about to go on a writer's retreat, to
immerse himself in his creativity. He was
a painter , before becoming a writer, and
his sketches of his wife, daughter, and
himself enhance his trade paperback
book. I told him I seek a balance between
seeing my friends and enjoying the
solitude in my walks by the ocean.
Your idea of sharing a house with
likeminded, caring friends, is excellent.
Linda often dreamt of that. but we
never achieved the friendships that
would require. Her female work friends
let her down. Since I didn't have any
male friends, we became our own best
( and only) friends, much to our
detriment. As you may recall, I had
nobody when Linda died, and I was in
a very bad way. Have a good supper
and evening, Deb! Loved your long
detailed message. as always. It was good
to hear from Patti, and our new menber,
Cynde1966. Karen reached out to Patti,
upon her trip back with her daughter. I was worried about Karen. Now that she's
home, she needs our help. Lou

 

Karen, I'm so glad you reached out to
Patti, who cares about all of us. I was
worried about you , even though I knew
you went on a trip with your daughter.
I'm here for you anytime you need to
vent or cry. Anniversaries can be
extra painful. Jack was, and is, a vital
part of who you are. I sometimes meet
passing tourists, from other parts of the
USA, most of whom who will never visit
my area again. I ask about where they
live . When they ask about my life, as a
"local" in this seaside, artist town, I need
to mention Linda, bc I'm not just a
"fool on the hill", like the song by The
Beatles. I wish your present "home" in
California, with all the wildfires and
smoke. was a calmer oasis for you. I pray
that for you, Karen. Jack would have wanted you to be happy. Lou

 

Lou,

Jonathan Santlofer sounds like such an interesting person. I wish I could meet him. My copy of his book better be here tomorrow!!! I can't wait to read it. I like the way you seek a balance between being with friends and enjoying time alone, walking by the ocean. There is something so special about the ocean..., I can't even begin to put my feelings into words.

Bob didn't want a funeral. He wanted his ashes to be scattered in the ocean, in a very specific place, a place where he and I shared some of our most treasured moments together. I have half of his ashes in a rosewood urn, and the other half are in a box that is approved by the airlines, so when I'm ready, however long it takes, I can do this one last thing for him. Our children and a few close friends will go with me. Bob wanted us to celebrate his life by having fun, turning this trip into a vacation.

I pray for the strength I'm going to need to be able to do this. I will somehow find a way, because more than anything else, I want Bob to be proud of me. It would make him so proud..., so happy..., if he knew I was able to enjoy my life again, without him, here with me. Backing up a bit, my closest friend from "home," sent me four beautiful keepsake urns right after Bob passed away. Before my children and I scatter his ashes in the ocean, we'll put some of them into each of the four keepsake urns. The four of us will each have one of the urns to cherish..., to keep forever. Eventually I will bury the remaining ashes that are in the rosewood urn. I need a place where I can visit, a quiet place where I can sit, outside in nature, remember the man who was, and always will be, my one true love... I've been crying as I'm typing this. I'm going to stop here.

I'm exhausted. I already took some melatonin, so I'm going to get into bed, reread part of Tom Zuba's book. Even though I'm crying and I miss Bob with all my heart, I think I'll be able to sleep. I need to hug his pillow.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. It is good to "see" both Patti and Karen here. All of us are here for each other, and we will all help each other get through the darkest days of our lives. I'm so grateful for the friendships I have here. I want to thank you Lou, because in many ways, I feel it was you, who helped bring all of us together.

 

Yes, Deb it was Lou who got us all together as a group. And to you too. K

 

Patti,

As always, you're in my prayers too. I've been thinking about you. How are you feeling? I'm hoping that because we've been "seeing" a bit more of you lately, you're starting to feel better.

Please continue to take care of yourself the best you can. Miss you!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

Thanks for making me smile, but I really don't think I had much to do with this. I'm just so very thankful to be part of this group. I just wish we all lived close enough so that we could get together. It would be so nice if we could meet for coffee, have dinners together, etc, etc, etc, ...

How are you feeling this morning? I'm super fried, had to pop 800 mgs of ibuprofen at 3 a.m. to stop a migraine before it hit. I woke up with one of those auras, flashing, zig zagging lines across my field of vision, sort of like strobe lights at a concert with no way to turn them off... It sucks, but I'm feeling fine now, just exhausted.

I'm on my fourth cup of coffee!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti and Deb, thank you for asking how I'm feeling. I can't shake the memories from my trip, still very emotional. I have to drag myself to physical therapy today. I wish I could cancel it, but I haven't been going due to the trip and like it says, "Be kind to yourself".

Deb, your migraine's sound awful. I feel for you going through this as well as grieving for Bob. A double whammy. So sorry.

Just got up and need to feed Rambo, my cat, shower and get ready to go. Hoping I don't tear up when the PT asks me how am I. I just don't know why after 11 months I'm not feeling any better in this journey, but there is no time table, if any. Take care, Karen

 

Karen,

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, but glad you decided to take care of yourself the best you can, and kept your physical therapy appointment today. I've been struggling a lot today too. Very long story short, I was in Walmart, saw lots of families shopping and Halloween displays were everywhere. On my way home I stopped at my warehouse club and saw Christmas displays. I should have been prepared for this, because they were out the last time I was there, but I fell apart anyway. I left the store before buying anything in tears... I cried the entire way home. I had to take a second dose of ibuprofen today and thankfully, it stopped the migraine before it had a chance to start. However, whenever this happens it leaves me physically exhausted. So, at the moment I'm totally beyond fried.

I just wanted to send you a quick message before I go to bed to let you know I'm thinking about you... And praying for the strength all of us need to make it through this holiday season.

I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Deb, I did read your last message to Lou and your shopping trip with all the decorations. I only try to buy on line through Amazon. I hate shopping and seeing all the decorations and thinking of happy faces of families shopping and looking forward to the holidays makes me insane with grief. Like I mentioned, my family will be here trying to cheer me up. Okay, I get it--they want to help me, but outward I try to fake it, inward I'm a mess.

I hope your migraine's dispensary soon. You once said it's due to the change in weather, right? I had a friend that told me she knew when it was going to rain because her knees got sore. And, she was right on.

Coming up to the first year of Jack's death is freaking me out big time. Oct is the last month before he died and I'm re-living every day that he still had hopes of living. Until that day in Oct the doctor said, they can't do anything more for him. I hate October.

I don't know how the holidays will be for you since it's your first, but I truly hope you get through it okay. Praying always, Karen

 

Hi Karen, I am so sorry, sending you
a big hug, I know the feeling reliving
that which I so much wants to
forget. It will be five years Nov-7th
these have been the loneliness
years of my life. Big hug,
blessings, Patti
Prayers for you, Deb, Lou,
Jim, Carole , Ron, all here.

 

Karen,

In a super rush, just got up. I can't believe how late I slept!!! I really need to get a walk in before it gets much hotter, but didn't wan't to head out the door without letting you know I'm thinking about you, praying that today turns out to be a better day than you expect it will be.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I am so sorry to read your post. What a wonderful marriage you had with her, and you were there with her every step of the way in her final days. It's hard when you are exactly sure what took her life. It just adds to the grief of losing her. I am glad that you came here for support.

Why don't you continue to talk to your wife. I believe she can hear you. If you are up to it, maybe plant something in her memory. Something that will continue to grow and maybe bloom for you to watch each year.

Is there anyone that is checking in on you? I think that it is important to have others around. I hope you have children or siblings that can spend time with you. You are at the right place. Please take care of yourself.