Loss after three decade relationship.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by oneman, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, LOVE your long emails. You evoke
    wonderful memories of Bob. I liked The
    Honeymooners. Jackie Gleason, Audrey
    Meadows, & Art Carney were a hoot. Of
    course, it would be politically incorrect
    today, when Ralph Kramden would
    threaten his wife : " To the moon, Alice"! Sitting at my quiet bar, the Shack, reading
    your "letter". After shopping, I wanted to
    find out: local fish ( haddock--- do you
    remember that?), baked potato, and
    butternut squash. Tasty AND healthy.So proud of you for buying tomato soup.
    The first time I baked chicken , Without
    Linda, I cried. She had taught me how. I
    didn't really cook when I met her. After
    that 1st time, I was proud of myself, &
    it was so good to have delicious " real
    food", as Linda called it, rather than
    take-out. My knee is almost completely
    cured, so I will stop PT soon. But, I will
    keep the exercise sheets. The problem is
    that some of the sidewalks are uneven,
    and it's unfortunately easy to trip. I'll
    avoid ice in winter. Have a good night.
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, I've missed you! I was surprised to
    see your one line about Lawrence Welk.
    Hope you can join Carole, Deb, me, &
    others, soon. Lou
  3. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, it was good to see you on Deb's
    thread today. Is your arm any better?
    Are the horrible fires & smoke subsiding
    at all? I feel so bad that you have so many
    strikes against you while you're trying to
    handle your grief. As you can see from my
    long emails with Deb & Carole, lately, It
    has been a rollercoaster of emotions over
    grief. I read the daily email from Center
    for Loss, on my phone, and its' message
    comforts me. Hope to hear from you
    again, soon, Karen. Lou
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    The part of town where Bob and I raised our children, was sort of like going back in time. We were surrounded by farms that had been in the same families for generations. We lived about a mile and a half from the center of town. The town center was made up of one road, with an independently owned grocery store that had also been in the same family for generations, a gas station, a bank, several restaurants on one side, and some small businesses, and a few "touristy" shops on the other side. At the intersection of the main road in town, at the top of the street, that our street was off of, was an old building, inside of it, a small fish market. Fishermen used to bring whatever they caught directly to this market, before heading across the street, to have a drink at a private bar, that you wouldn't know was there, unless you were a local, or invited to it.

    I used to buy fish several times a week. The family who ran the fish market knew many of the people who lived nearby. I would walk in, ask what had just come off the boats, and would be handed the freshest fish. Many times, they got it from the back, instead of giving me what was in the display case. The owner kept a hand written notebook with my purchases (and many of my neighbors' purchases too) in it. Once or twice a month, Bob would stop by and pay the tab on his way home from work.

    Fresh haddock, right off of the boats, is the absolute best, so delicious!! We never got tired of eating it. Backing up a bit, in the warmer months, I would stop at the farm that was just before the fish market, and pick up fresh vegetables and fruit. I felt so lucky to be living in such a beautiful place, surrounded by farms, close to the ocean, married to the love of my life, and having been blessed with three children. I'm crying as I'm typing, so I'm going to stop here. So many memories are popping in and out of my mind... I miss Bob so much!!! I know he's gone, but it's so hard for me to fully grasp the fact that he's never coming home, that I'll never be able to talk about our past together, with him, ever again.

    Even though I cry every time, I need to/want to, talk about Bob. Thank you for "listening."

    It's really late, frazzled as usual, going to try to catch some zzz's...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

    P.S. Glad to hear your knee is almost better!! Be careful on those uneven sidewalks!!
    Van Gogh likes this.
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Dear Deb, went to bed early at my usual
    9:30pm and just woke up to check my
    emails. So happy to see yours even though
    I'm sorry you're up so late! I cried the
    same time you cried about the love of
    your life, Bob, who has left this earth, in a
    physical sense, but is with you, in spirit
    every day. I also received a wonderful
    email from "ksteffie" whose name is
    Stephanie, & her husband's name was
    Dan. Stephanie lives in the neighboring
    state to you, in Florida. I mentioned your
    name and others. I hope you can read my
    emails with her and contact her yourself.
    I told Stephanie that I hoped she could
    stay in touch and share our day to day
    coping ideas concerning the physical
    loss of our spouses. Have a good sleep, and
    "talk" with you tomorrow. Lou
  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Thank you for reminding me that Bob is with me in spirit every day, just like Linda is with you in spirit every day too. I need to keep telling myself this. I know I sound like a broken record, but the more days that go by, the harder it is for me, the more I miss Bob. No matter how difficult it is to get through each and every day without him, I will continue to do my best to get through this. Grieving is hard work, the hardest work I've ever been forced to do. It is physically and emotionally draining, but it is necessary. I finally understand the importance of being able to "talk" about Bob. I have to "talk" about him. I want to "talk" about him... I can't move past where I am now, unless I'm able to do this. Tears flow every time I say his name, and talk about the life we shared together. In time, I hope I will be able to "talk" about Bob with less tears, and maybe even a few smiles.

    I only woke up twice last night, and didn't wake up until almost 7 this morning, but I'm still exhausted. It's another miserable day, totally overcast, rain expected on and off throughout the day. I think the weather is contributing to how tired I'm feeling. I hope that it's much nicer where you are, and you're enjoying a beautiful day walking along the shore, talking to friends...

    I would like to read the emails you wrote to Stephanie, but don't know where to find them. I'm sorry Stephanie is struggling too and hope to "meet" her here.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Morning, Deb. Like you, my moods
    change with the weather. Looks crappy
    today, but I'll take a break & walk to
    mail a letter, when it's not raining. You should be able to find my thread with
    "ksteffie" ( Stephanie). She started back in
    July, but dropped out for a while, until
    now. I still think it was good, and brave,
    of you, to say Bob's name. I felt gradually
    more empowered when talking, or
    writing with people, when evoking Linda's name, rather than to keep saying, " My
    wife". Linda had a whole life before she
    met me, even though her childhood was
    sad, and she said that being with me, was
    the best thing that happened to her. I cry
    as I write this, bc I don't want to dwell on
    the times I was petty & self centered. Most
    of the time, I was there for her. She
    cooked for me in the beginning, bought
    clothes for me, by catalogs, and I ended
    up cooking for her when she became ill.
    I'm crying AGAIN as I write this. Glad you
    like the Center for Loss daily emails. I need
    all the help I can get. On Grief in Common,
    we feel free to repeat ourselves, without
    judgment. I feel the same way with my
    Mom phone therapy/ grief counseling.
    Recently, however, an old married
    classmate, in another town, told me " not
    to take this the wrong way", but that I
    had repeated stories. My feelings were
    hurt, and I texted back that he had a
    wife at home to gently remind him not to
    repeat, but I had NO ONE at home, now that Linda was no longer by my side. He
    apologized, but I'm careful not to repeat
    with him, now. I texted that "repeating"
    one's stories is part of that overused word,
    "process". Thanks again, Deb, for caring
    about me, despite your terrible mourning
    for Bob. The fact that he loved you, means
    he was a wonderful man of character. Lo
  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Correction: Monday therapy, not "Mom", and my name is Lou, not "Lo". Oh,
  10. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Hi Lou, first off my arm is a tad better. Just started PT and it's very painful. I have 8 weeks to go. The Caldor fire is 77% contained and the smoke almost gone here. I see Tahoe is having a fund raising event and boat rides, so I guess the lake is clear.

    I'm so glad your knee is better, it's so hard to be in pain. What about looking into those snow shoes that have spikes, similar to soccer shoes? A doctor told me in ice or snow to walk like a penguin, I tried it with black ice and it works.

    I'm sorry about your weather moods, I think most of us have it. Too much rain, too much clouds cause me to be depressed. Speaking of depressed is there an anniversary or some date that you and Linda shared that may be causing your depression or feeling low? Sometimes sub consciously not knowing the reason causes sadness. I'm extremely depressed, Sat 18th is the anniversary of my son's dearth 2 yrs. What makes it triple hard is how he died. Long story. Allan, my son, was in a group home for 20 years with a great nurse for the home. She became an alcoholic and left. They hired a LVN, name Michael. He made a bad decision, an accident of negligence causing my son to be in the hospital. They couldn't' save him due to the infection called Septis which is a killer. Michael's license has been revoked, not allowed to practice nursing and was or is being investigated. At that time the investigation was deferred due to Covid. I really never kept up on it because Jack became ill and was in and out of doctor's appts, tests, tests. That year I dedicated myself to him. Jack died exactly 1 yr and 3 months after my son died.

    I'm trying so hard not to relive those times, but I can't stop the memories. My daughter who lives across the street is keeping me sane. We both cry, talk about the what if's. Like you mentioned "Survival's Guilt". We all have it. Jack had been in a hospital bed in the living room for two weeks. The very time he passed I was in the kitchen. I wanted to be close to him, holding his hand. He couldn't talk. When I found him I thought he was sleeping, so I told him I have to change you and will need you to help me turn you over. When I pulled the blankets back his legs had no mussel they just flopped open. I checked his pulse and moved his head he was gone. When they came and wrapped him up in the gurney sack and zipped him up that was it. OMG I said, "don't zip him up he can't breath". I was hysterical.

    It's been 10 months and nothing is getting better. Lou, it's been 2/1/2 years for you, is it better? Maybe in some ways right?

    I read everyone's chats and I feel every emotion. This has to be hell on Earth. I pray for comfort for us all every day.

    I'm not a wordy person like you, Deb, Carol and Patti. Not much of a talker, just so you know that's me. Keep Upright!, Karen
  11. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    correction: my son death nor dearth.
  12. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    HI, JIM ( ONEMAN )
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Patti, great to see you on here just now.
    Thanks for caring about my knee as a result of a fall. My last PT session is
    tomorrow. The young married woman
    who helped me, was very kind. When I
    told her Linda came with me to all my
    medical appointments, I cried. She wanted
    to listen to me as a whole person, before
    we did leg exercises. I'm very grateful to
    be OK now, but I have to be careful of
    uneven sidewalks. I also want to buy
    new sneakers with better heal support,
    bc I enjoy a lot of walking outside in the
    summer/fall. Really hope you can get your
    BP under control, and improve your
    eyesight. I've been having long emails
    with Deb & Carole, but Karen is still
    battling the wildfires & smoke in Ca., as
    well as dealing with her arm. I just
    started emailing with "ksteffie" ( real
    name is Stephanie). Hope you can drop
    in from time to time. Lou
    Patti 61 likes this.
  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Thank you for your kind words. They brightened an otherwise miserable day. I paid a few bills this morning, tossed in a load of wash, but haven't done much of anything else. I miss Bob so much... I've spent most of today crying. I can't seem to motivate myself to get off the couch.

    I hope in spite of the weather, you're having a good day...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace all of us peace. DEB
  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm also glad to see you, but wish you were feeling better. I've been thinking about Jim and hope he's okay.

    Please take the best care of yourself you possibly can!!!

    Miss you!!! Looking forward to the day you'll be able to visit and "talk" to us more often.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

    P.S. Thank you for the prayers. I'm okay, my health issues are manageable.
    Patti 61 likes this.
  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Your day does sound awful, Deb. I'm so
    sorry. I'm about to walk outside to the
    mailbox, after being in all day. I just
    replied to Patti, who has been following
    us, but has some health issues. I liked
    the Thornton Wilder quote from Center
    for Loss. Did you read it? I thought of
    both of us. Right after Linda died, I cried
    at EVERY song, so I stopped listening, on
    my phone, bc it was too painful. After a
    while, I slowly started listening to songs
    again. I like to vary them on my phone. I
    live simply: No talking heads on TV ( I
    choose not to have one), and no CD player
    ( bc I like to surprise myself with random
    selections). When I was a boy, I loved the
    jukeboxes in restaurants. Did you ever
    see the HBO series, Mad Men, about
    Madison Ave advertising executives? It
    took place in the late 50s & early 60s. Linda & I watched it, partly for the
    nostalgia of things we remembered, but
    no longer exist. The main characters are
    deeply flawed, but the acting is good.
    Hope you have a better evening
    after a dreary day. I also hope you get
    some sunny weather. It helps. Lou
  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm glad that Michael's license has been revoked, even though it doesn't take away any of the pain of losing your son, Allan (I'm glad you were able to "say" his name here.)... I'm very glad that you have your daughter living across the street from you, total understatement!!! Please take care of yourself the best you can this weekend. If you want to "talk," if you want to vent, scream, cry, yell... I will be here to "listen." I can't even begin to imagine the intense pain of losing your son Allan, and while still grieving the loss of your son, losing Jack too. Reading your reply to Lou has made me teary eyed. I'm so sorry for both of your losses...

    Sending many hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
    Van Gogh likes this.
  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, thank you so much for writing to me. All of us missed you. Don't feel that
    you have to keep up with my long winded
    writing. The fact is that I'm a quiet listener
    in person. When I write, I let my emotions
    flow. A couple from Pa. came to my local
    bar, the Shack, one night, a year after
    Linda's death. They were spiritual &
    wanted to know about my life in a town
    by the sea. They are in their 50s, very
    kind, no children. They love where I live
    so much that they visit every March &
    Oct. In between visits, the husband writes
    letters the old fashioned way. I send post
    cards and articles about my town. Bc I'm
    retired, I write more than he does. I look forward to seeing them next month. I'm so
    sorry about your son, Allan, and your very
    sad anniversary on Sat, the 18th. I cried
    when you wrote about your last moments
    with Jack. It's been 2 years and 9 months
    since Linda's sudden death. I cry every
    morning before I walk outside. I get better
    during the day when I have certain missions & people to see. I go to bed the
    same time every night, partly from being
    tired after all that walking, and partly from my medications, which make me
    sleepy. But, even after a night's sleep, grief
    takes it's still & I sometimes feel fatigued
    during the day. 9/11 was a trigger for me,
    bc Linda & I were on a vacation, heading
    for Canada, when we saw the horrific
    news on TV. Something in me snapped
    and made me paranoid about living in a
    city---any city. Linda was the practical one
    & had to get a job, as a waitress, at 50, bc
    I was in no shape emotionally. I try not to
    think of that period, bc it was a lot tougher
    for Linda to be a waitress at that age, than
    when she was 20. Hence, survivor's guilt.
    As I told Deb & Carole, after Linda died,
    I couldn't listen to ANY music. I would just
    weep. Now, I can, & just cry once in a while. In answer to your question, I'm
    " better" than I was, but I will never "get
    over" Linda's death, nor should I. Even if
    I were to be involved with another woman, she would never replace Linda
    in my heart and mind. I found Center for
    Loss, a great website. Every day, they send
    me an email, which can be a quote, or
    meditation, for the day, I know you have
    difficulty reading books right now, but
    these sayings, by email, are quite comforting. I asked Karyn Arnold, founder
    of Grief in Common, and she thought it
    was wonderful. God Bless, Karen, and
    write, even if it's a sentence, or two. Lou
  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I liked the Thornton Wilder quote too. It made me cry. It's also making me teary eyed (but only in a good way) knowing that you thought of not only Linda, but of Bob too, as you read it. As you said to me earlier, Bob will always be with me in spirit, the way Linda will always be with you in spirit. I believe, I have to believe, that Bob is watching over me, and that Linda is watching over you. I'm glad that you kept after me, asked me more than once, what my husband's name was. I know now that I need to be able to "talk" about Bob, using his name, in order to move forward. I hope in time, I'll be able to share special memories of Bob when talking to people I meet, the way you're able to share Linda's funny sayings with others. I'm not there yet, but being able to use Bob's name here, is a step in the right direction.

    Jukeboxes were so much fun! Bob could carry a tune and imitate just about anyone's voice. We were taking a short road trip to New Hampshire on one of our first dates, and stopped for brunch at a cozy, old fashioned restaurant overlooking the mountains. Bob must have sang just about every song that was playing on the jukebox. We had so much fun that day... Stopping here, I'm teary eyed already!

    Bob and I loved Mad Men. Like you and Linda, we liked that it took place in the 50s & 60s, and it brought back lots of memories for us too, some I thought I had forgotten about. We enjoyed Boardwalk Empire, another HBO series. The twenties are one of my favorite decades, I loved the costumes, the scenery, etc... It was very violent. There were times when I cuddled closer to Bob, and had to shut my eyes, but being fascinated by the twenties, I couldn't get enough of it. All of the actors were good, but I think Steve Buscemi was absolutely perfect for the role he played.

    I'm feeling slightly better now. I didn't want to talk to any of my friends from "home" this afternoon, but when the phone rang, I picked it up. It was one of my best friends who always seems to know when I need her the most. After all these years, I have no idea how she knows this, but her timing is always perfect. Long story short, we talked, I cried..., and by the time we hung up, I felt a bit better. I'm so grateful for my friends!!

    Going to stop here. I've probably begun to write another "book."

    I hope you're enjoying a peaceful evening. Sleep well...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  20. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Lou, I so appreciate your long response and to answer my question. I have signed up with Center for Loss and love the daily reflections, I look forward to them. Today was the love bridge from heaven to earth, will yesterday when you get this.
    I don't have difficulty reading books, I have several grief books given to me that I've read, such as Healing after Loss by Martha Hickmam, Permission to Mourn you suggested and Grief Day by Day, Jan Warner.
    I still can't listen to music, I cancelled Pandora it reminded me too much of Jack, he loved it. Did you ever listen to the song, "Oh Brother Where Art Thou". Jack used to cry listening to it when they sang going down to the river to pray. Jack was an agnostic then became a atheistic. We had several discussions due to the fact I'm a believer. He was a believer when we got married, but changed. He said to me, when your dead your dead no after life. When he was ill I told Jack I made a request with God when you pass I asked God to take you into his arms and wait for me. Sounds silly.

    Lou, grief takes everything out of us. I haven't felt physically well since before he died when he was ill. I don't know how it feels to feel good.

    You had such a wonderful life with Linda, all your adventures and love for each other comes out in your e-chats. It's hard, but you have been Blessed. But, having a companion to share is a good thing, it helps loneliness and I do hope you find someone. You know the old saying? 'When your not looking". If you know what I mean.

    I think of the companionship having Jack here with me during the smoke, heat, fires and everything we shared together in misery -- we had each other. It seems so weird being here alone. I've never lived alone and I don't like it.

    I have read your and everyone's post on movies and I've seen them all. Again, it makes my cry to watch movies without Jack, I just can't do it.

    My daughter is taking me to Oregon for a break the 23rd of this month for a few days. I'm a little freaked out because Jack and I lived close to where we will be. She wants to explore areas for a possible move.

    I've been on my deck two nights crying thinking of our times together on our special deck. Last night I sat there on the swing, closed my eyes and saw him in front of me with a loving smile holding his two hands out to me. I didn't know if he wanted me to come with him or just to hold hands. I held my hands out. Tonight I closed my eyes again and he was gone. I think it was a visit.

    Well, it's 7:pm hope I didn't bore you. Good wishes to you and to all our forum buddies, Karen