Loss after three decade relationship.

Hi Patti. I was born and raised in Ohio. Spent my childhood in Columbus, & Grove City, in 1956 my parents bought the house I live in now. I moved back in May 2010 to take care of my Mom(she had Alzheimer's) Ron joined us soon after. My Mom passed away Feb. 26 2011, my Dad April 3 2004, our dog(in the picture) Feb.28 2017, and Ron passed away June 26, 2021. I have been a lot of places for vacations, never lived anywhere but Ohio. I have Southern roots(ancestors back in the mid 1800's migrated to Arkansas and put down roots.) Went down South every year for as long as I can remember. Love staying at my Granny's house when little, she didn't care if I got dirty, would put me in her wash tub for a bath. I have old photo's of me with her chickens, her little house, no indoor plumbing, had to pump water to wash, do dishes, bath's, ahhh those were the days, carefree, no worries, lived life to the fullest.

I hope your face and eye heals and you will be able to see okay again. Take care, stay safe, keep good memories and thoughts of Jack. I would like to stay in touch with you. Having people to chat with here, has been a great help. Carole

 

Lou,

I won't be watching anything having to do with September 11 either. It's way to horrible to see all those images again, even though in my mind, I can still see the planes crashing into the towers, into the Pentagon... people desperately trying to flee, rescue workers selflessly saving as many lives as possible... I don't think there is anyway to erase those images from my mind, from so many other peoples' minds...

My husband was at work, but I took a half a day off, and was in the waiting area of an auto repair shop, along with about a dozen other people, mindlessly watching the small TV that was mounted high on one of the walls. All of the sudden, it seemed like we were watching some sort of horror flick, it didn't seem "real." Total strangers, we hugged each other, trying to make sense of what we just saw. None of it made any sense. I was in shock. When I finally realized that what I had just witnessed was "real," I started crying... Like so many other Americans, the images of that day are forever etched into my mind. I don't need to watch it again. I can't watch it again, it's just too painful.

Onto another subject, I'm glad you like your PT. PT worked wonders for me. I hope it does the same for you.

I hope you had another fun evening at your "Cheers" bar.

Be back tomorrow...

Goodnight... DEB

 

Jim,

This is so beautiful... Thank you so much for sharing this poem with us. And once again, thank you for starting this thread. Getting to "know" everyone here, has made the world a brighter place for me.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I was worried when you didn't
answer my long ( what else?!) email.
I have been emailing with Carole every
day, and more recently, Patti & Jim. I
happened to wake up in the middle of the
night, & remembered that this is the very
sad anniversary of September 11, 2021.
Carole & I shared our personal memories
of that day,& you're welcome to join us.
It is fitting that I'm going with my young,
ex-Army buddy, N., to the American
Legion for coffee. He will wear his
veteran's hat from Afganistan, & we will
sit with veterans of Vietnam and 2 men,
90 & 91, from the Korean War era. Wish
Connie ( Don Con), whose husband was a
veteran, would write again. Lou

 

Correction: 2001. As I told Carole, Linda &
I were happily traveling out of state when
we saw the horrible news. It changed
America forever, and changed our lives
personally, for the worse. I can't watch
any footage of that day, bc it also makes
me weep, & feel survivor's guilt, about
Linda. Lou

 

Deb,My friend, N., made a big hit with
the older vets. The 1st guy I met there,
after Linda died, was Roger, 91, whose
wife, of many years, died slowly from
dementia. He has a remarkable spirit,
& is very funny, & lives in the present.
I choked back tears when he told me
he walks through cemeteries to put the
American flags upright, after lawn
mowers knocked them done. I said Linda
was a patriot, who would've liked him &
other veterans at our Legion. I wore my
Back the Blue hoodie, with the American
flag, to give thanks to the heroes of 9/11.
This was a time of unity, where actors &
athletes , respected the flag, and didn't
kneel. I'm old school, and recited the
Pledge of Allegiance, and sang our national anthem. Lou

 

Hi Lou, I hope you had a good time with your buddies last night, and with your young friend for coffee this morning Sunny, a little breezy this morning, had a nice walk, went a little further around the neighborhood, some blocks are a bit longer than others.

Linda and I would have, more than likely, been good friends. I am easy going until someone/something riles me up.

I am sleeping much better. Getting back into a regular sleep pattern. It is actually feeling more like when Ron was alive, sleep at night, stay up all day. His desk light on at night does help, if I wake to go to the bathroom, seeing his light on gives me a feeling of security. Does that sound weird?

I won't be celebrating any holidays this year. After my parents passed away, Ron and I sort of let holidays go by the wayside. Did a few decorations for Halloween and Christmas, sent out some Christmas cards, that was about it. Boy, do I miss him.

Guess I better get motivated and go grocery shopping. Talk again later. Hugs and smiles, Carokle

 

Carole, thanks for your reply this am.
I know how you miss Ron terribly, bc,as
I've told you & Deb, I cry every am, bc I
miss her so much. You are so much like
my feisty, funny Linda. Not only would
you have been good friends, she would
say, the 2 of you were "separated at birth".
Please read my email to Deb this am, when
you get a chance, so I won't repeat myself
about my young ex-Army friend, N., and
his warm reception at coffee at the
American Legion, especially when he
wore his Afganistan hat. I told him he
seemed even taller than his 6'1" height.
Of course, at my age, I'm shrinking. I still
say I'm 5'4", but I'm shorter. At my age, &
as a widower, I'm not really vain. I'm
lucky that a family invited me for
Thanksgiving. The parents are my age.
Their daughter never met Linda, but has
been very kind to me since Linda's death,
and drives me weekly to the supermarket
& to a small specialty market, which has
more gluten free items & prepared foods,
like chickpea and quinoa & black bean
salads, to accommodate my Celiac
Disease. Lou

 

Lou,

I might not make it here every day, but you, as well as all of my "new friends," are always in my thoughts... It's nice to know I have friends here who care about me, but I wish I hadn't made you worry. I won't let too many days go by without responding, even if it's just a quick post, to let you know I'll be back when I can "talk."

Today is a very difficult day for so many of us... Myself, as well as many of my friends, used to feel safe, secure in our country, never imagining anything as horrific as September 11, 2001, could possibly happen in the United States. Our false sense of security was shattered. Our lives have changed in so many ways..., our country will never be the same again. However, it is also heartwarming to see how total strangers selflessly did whatever they could do to help each other. There are so many American heroes... it makes me proud to be a United States citizen.

Today is also the fifth month anniversary of my husband's death. I'm not sure of the entire reason why I haven't been able to talk about him using his name, but I know part of the reason is because this is a public place, so even though it's my "safe" place, and I want to share more personal details with my friends here, it's impossible to know who might be lurking. Also, "talking" about him using his name, just makes it seem too "real," if this makes any sense at all! However, I remember you said in a previous post that using your spouse's name helps. So today, being the fifth month anniversary of his death, it's time for me to refer to him by his name. His name was Bob. Just typing his name here has made me cry... I guess, in a way, this is a good thing, maybe I'm moving one step closer to truly accepting what I've known in my head for five months, but has been difficult for me to accept in my heart... Bob is never coming home.

Bob was in the Navy during the Vietnam War. He was one of the fortunate ones (or at least Bob and I used to think so), he wasn't sent to Vietnam. However, where he was stationed, he was exposed to many toxic chemicals for a prolonged period of time. Without going into detail here, Bob believed, and I still believe, his exposure to these chemicals caused his many chronic and serious health conditions. Still sort of on the same subject, I miss Connie too. I'm so glad she's moved. I hope and pray that the move has helped her move forward in this miserable grief journey, in the same way that moving has helped you.

I'm sorry you're feeling survivor's guilt about Linda. I sometimes feel this way about Bob. I know rationally that there is no reason for me to feel this way, but what I know in my head, and what I feel in my heart, aren't always the same. Bob wanted more than anything else to live, no matter how much pain and suffering he had to endure. He found something to be grateful for every day that, as he would say, he was "on the right side of the dirt." I feel guilty for not being able to save him, those what if's flood my mind... What if I did this, if only I had done that, etc., etc., etc., he might still be here with me. What makes this especially difficult for me is that in my head, I can still hear, my once strong, and stoic husband, begging me to help him before the ambulance arrived, on what would be his final night on this earth. I've never felt so out of control, so helpless in my entire life... I couldn't save the man who I love with all my heart, my "person," from death. I know in my head there was nothing I could do to save him. It was his time to leave this earth, and there is absolutely nothing I could have done to change this. (This reminds me of something Tom Zuber said in "Permission To Mourn," but stopping here for now. This is a post for another time, if I can remember to write about it, given this widow foggy brain thing I can't seem to ditch.) There is no way you could have saved Linda either, although I know you would have done anything within your power to have her still here..., beside you..., sharing all the wonderful, beautiful experiences together, that life has to offer...

I also feel guilty for not being able to enjoy my life. Bob wanted me to be happy. I want more than anything else to make him proud of me. This helps me cope with feelings of survivors guilt. Every day, even though I often stumble and fall along this miserable path I've been forced to take, I try to do things to make him proud of me. Whenever I stumble and fall, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again, the best I possibly can to move forward. If I can find a way to enjoy my life again, I know this is the final "gift"(I'm not sure if gift is the word I really want to use here, but at this moment, can't find the right word to use) I can give him. And I know, if he is watching over me, like I like to think he is, this would make him smile..., this would make him proud.

I think I might have just written a "book," so stopping here. Sometimes I can write, almost as much as I can talk, and believe me, Bob would have told you that this is a lot!!

I hope you're enjoying a beautiful day by the ocean, walking, talking to friends... or doing whatever it is that makes you smile the most.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, Thank you so much for your
moving reply to me this morning. I cried
when you said the name of your husband.
I feel safe on Grief in Common, bc we
started with user names, then first names
only, just revealing the areas of the U.S,
in which we live. When my psychiatric
nurse practitioner suggested that I write
down all of Linda's funny phrases, I
couldn't do it at first, because I was
overcome with grief. I let some time go
by, and the words flowed. Now, I can
quote Linda's words to me, & make
others, even strangers, laugh. I'm so
sorry Bob had to suffer from the effects
of the Vietnam war. I call my friend "N"
to protect his privacy. He had PTSD, and
even though his first name could be
used, I prefer not to. As far as the woman
I like, I think her Rottweiler follows her
everywhere. I never see her alone. I asked
her to come to the Sat. coffees at the
American Legion, bc her daughter is in
Navy ROTC. I asked once, but I'm not
going to push. Ideally, I will meet other
women, probably daytrippers from the
city, like I did, before COVID. Thanks so
much for your long email, the longer the
better. You, Carole, & I have a gift for
writing our emotions. All of us have a
good, self deprecatory sense of humor, as
did our spouses & soulmates. Last night,
at my CHEERS bar, I talked with a woman
whose father had just died. She was very
close to him, and we both cried at the bar
( it was a lot worse when I drank). She
suggested a grief website, called "Center
for Loss". It was founded by a therapist
specializing in grief. I chose loss of spouse,
and have already received helpful articles
by email. I'm so glad you find Tom Zuba's
book helpful. As I've said before, The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer, has been so parallel
to my grief journey. Like us, he felt so
helpless when he couldn't "save" his
wife, Joy, of 40 years. I keep rereading
chapters, bc he's honest, & even funny,
about the ups & downs of marriage. In
some ways, Linda & I were on the same
page. In other ways, we were completely
different. Lou

 

Hi Lou, just read the messages between you and DEB, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I know just how she feels, today is the 77th day since Ron left this earth. I am pleased DEB feels safe enough to say her husband name, and to share with us. I have always felt like this is my "safe space", I can chat with others, cry with others, share tidbits of my life, before Ron, with Ron, and now without Ron.

N sounds like a super young man, and friend. I'm happy you have someone, along with your "CHEERS" buddies to keep you company, lift up your spirits on bad days.

Not much going on here, neighborhood is very quiet for a Sat. Watched a 1957 movie "Sweet Smell of Success" with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis, Martin Milner. Burt was creepy in this movie also. I think he had a thing for his sister, so didn't want her involved with any men. It lagged in spots, I still enjoyed it. West Side Story was on, Ron liked the movie, me not so much. Turned the TV off, fed Gabby, emptied trash, straightened up the house, then sat and mulled over what I could find to do next. I still get antsy sometimes, or restless and will find anything to keep my mind occupied.

I did have to laugh earlier. I was listening to some Buddy Holly, if my parents would have know the lyrics to some of the records, they would not have bought them for me. I remember Peggy Sue(had it) Oh, Boy(had it)Maybe Baby( had it), think those were the only 3 of his I had. Some of his other songs I heard on the radio. Jerry Lee Lewis was another one. I don't remember having any of his records, but heard Great Balls of Fire a lot on the radio. I love music, chill out with classical, head bang to metal, close my eyes to the soulful sounds of Motown, relax to some blues, cry with songs that are sad. Willie Nelson "Always on My Mind" will start the tears in a nano second. So will Dolly Parton's" "I Will Always Love You".

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I will keep you DEB, Patti in my thoughts. Talk again soon. Lots of smiles and good thoughts your way, Carole

 

Carole, I wish we could visit each other.
I love that you listen to all kinds of
music, and watch old movies. I do
remember Lancaster, being creepy, in
Sweet Smell of Success. He was also in
a lot of movies, with his pal, Kirk
Douglas. I liked Birdman of Alcatraz,
bc he went from a hardened convict, to
an old man, who finds a little bird in his
prison cell. I also liked On the Waterfront,
which had a great cast: Brando, Eve
Marie Saint, Rod Steiger, Karl Malden,
and Lee J. Cobb. There were many
versions of Death of a Salesman, but I
liked Cobb, as the beaten down Willie
Loman, the best. You are an interesting
woman, Carole, and I wish some
happiness for you. I'm glad 9/11 is over.
This morning, I talked to Roger, 91, a
Korean War veteran, whose wife died
before mine. Even with his cane, he walks
through cemeteries to put flags upright.
He is appalled how we have fallen as a
nation, since 9/11. Instead of celebrating
the flag, athletes, especially those at the
Olympics, disrespected the flag and
decided to kneel. Disgraceful. When I
heard what Roger does, I choked up. Sorry
if I repeated my email to our friend, Deb.
Hope you sleep well. I've been going to
sleep earlier, so I can go to an outdoor
breakfast place, while it's still mild temps.
Lou

 

Carole, woke up this am, & didn't see a
reply from you, to my email last night,
so I reread the one I sent to you. I cried
at my own words. How pathetic is that?!
Made instant coffee for myself, & had a
flashback of Linda. She had diabetes,
and would sit in a comfortable chair in
the living room. When she tasted her
coffee, she would sometimes ask, "Did
you put Stevia in it?" She would scrunch
up her face, & I would say that I was
sorry, and forgot that morning. I would
do anything to relive that moment. My
tears are forming as I write this. In The
Widower's Notebook, the author realizes
his wife has " left this earth", as you put
it, and wasn't coming back -----EVER----
in a physical form. In my study of grief,
I've learned we have to be kind to
ourselves. After sitting alone at my
outdoor breakfast place, bantering only
with the waiter, I'm sitting in a lush,
green meadow, by myself, listening to
the gentle wind, and to a waterfall. There is a nearby pond. One day, I happened upon a man & his young son, with
fishing poles, and immediately thought
of Andy & Opie. I feel blessed every day
to be in a small, friendly town like
Mayberry. Lou

 

Lou,

I just read your message to Carole, and I want you to know I'm thinking about you..., sorry to hear you're in so much pain... I hate this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, with no way to escape. I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself. I know this would make Linda proud.

I just got back from my morning walk, well actually I got back about an hour ago, but ran into a few neighbors and started talking. Five minutes somehow turned into an hour! (I told you I can talk a lot!!) I have a couple things I have to do, but will be back later on.

Sending extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks so much, Deb, for reading my
long "letters" to Carole. All 3 of us are
bursting with things to say, but have the
ability to listen. Went to Neck after
being alone, & went into a young guy's
small store. He misses his mother who
died from cancer, when he was only 12.
We talked about our loved ones' spirits
after their physical bodies have left us.
Our biggest difference is that although
we believe in the spirits, he doesn't
believe in God, like I do, even more so
since Linda's death. Lou

 

Deb, "Center for Loss" has been very
comforting. Almost every day, I receive a
new email, in the form of a meditation,
or an article. I need all the help I can get.
My weekly phone therapy sessions help me cope with everyday living, but don't
always address grief. Look forward to
your next email. Lou

 

Good Afternoon Lou, I got a late start today. TCM had "To Kill A Mockingbird" on, I had not seen the movie, so stayed up to watch it. So glad I did. I remember hearing the book had been banned in some schools some years ago. I didn't recognize very many of the actors, the movie kept me enthralled, sometimes a little frightened for the kids. Gregory Peck (Atticus Finch) was remarkable as the lawyer. I did recognize Alice Ghostly from her character on "Bewitched" (Ron and I both found the show quite amusing. Didn't like when Darren was replaced, liked Dick York much better.

I am so sorry you are feeling down and sad today. I had my sad, down day yesterday, bouts of crying, restlessness, talking to Ron(and myself). People keep telling me "it will get better", maybe it will, maybe it won't. Right now I am thinking it won't.

I watch reruns of The Andy Griffith Show on TVland. The fictional Mayberry is much like the small Southern town my parents grew up in. Everyone looked out for each other, knew each other, when we visited(in my youth) and in later years, the Ohio license plate would get everyone talking. Strange car, Yankees in town, watched to see where the car was going (to my Granny's house), later on to Mom's girl hood friend, and all was well.

Ron, Linda, Bob, Mary, Jack have left the earth, but I firmly believe their spirits live in our hearts, and also are those little voices in our heads when something isn't right and they are guiding us. I also like to think they do small things to let us know they are around, to let us know they are ok and still with us.

I have a funny story about a trip Ron and I made to FL. When you are ready, I will share it with you. In the mean time, take care, stay safe, think good thoughts of Linda. Hugs and smiles your way, Carole

 

Hi Jim, (Oneman)
It is good you are writing poetry. It had
been many years since I had, written my last poem
for Jack. Reading yourPoem had inspired me to try
again. Years ago I could sit down at computer,
and words would flow through my brain typing
away. I find it isn't as easy for me now and am a lot
slower, Jack would always read my poetry and then
he asked me to write one for him. I have gotte a poem
started, using my iPad.
Hope the smokey air has cleared out west for everyone,
that your able to get out and about , and for walks.
Blessings, Patti

 

Lou,

I just read Carole's message to you, and there is no way I could say it as well as she did. I believe that our spouses' spirits are in our hearts forever too, and that they are watching over us. Not only will Linda always be in your heart, but as Robin said to me in another thread, she has helped make you the person who you are today. I like reading the stories you share about Linda. They make me smile.

It seems the more time that goes by, the more I miss Bob, the more difficult this grief journey is becoming. Thank you for mentioning the "Center for Loss," again this afternoon. I'm going to check it out.

Hope your day has improved, lots less tears, lots more smiles.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB