Loss after three decade relationship.

Hi Lou,
Thaank you Lou for replying back to me.
I have come to realize after my husband
passed, the flashbacks of the days, nights
all his suffering those last nine years are
so imbedded in my mind. I Google searched
on PTSD, and it has me thinking it might
be what's causing this uncontrollable high BP.
God was my strength through those years
HE is my strength now, with HIS help, I will
get through this.
I am really missing my visits here with everyone,
I try to read little now and then.
Hope Karen's arm healed, that the fire's out,
not smokey, so she can get outdoor walks in.
Nice to hear Deb will be volunteering at new
shelter helping with the trainer.
Hope your knee is doing better, good
you will be having it checked out Friday.
The surgery I had was due to Squamous Cell
Cancer, on my nose and clear to the corner
of my eye, Mohs Cancer Specialist said
it will take lengthy time to heal, (he had to
go back in second time was able to get it all)
it's affected my close up vision.
Gonna call it a day, thanks again for getting
back to me. Take care, no more falls.
Keeping you and all others here in my thoughts
and prayers. Blessings, Patti

 

Patti. I was just about to go to bed, and
saw your kind answer to me. My knee
problem is so minor, compared to what
you've been going through, both physically
and mentally. I feel better, & thankful
that it doesn't hurt when I walk, just
trying my sneakers, and using stairs.
Please keep in touch. Hope you feel
better, soon. Lou

 

Thank you Patti and to all. I'm out of the sling, but will do PT now. Fires are being contained, but still smoke every morning. No walking, too hot.

Patti, like my sister always said, "It's hell getting old". I pray for your recovery and mostly patience. Karen

 

Patti,

The mind/body connection is so strong. I have a couple of medical conditions that while not serious, can be painful. I was able to keep them under control through exercise, diet, and medication. They didn't have a big impact on my life, and never stopped me from doing any of the things I love to do. When my husband became sick, my health slowly began going downhill. My sole focus was on taking care of him, nothing else mattered to me. Since he passed away, I've seen several specialists and I'm back to doing what I can to take better care of myself.

I'm glad you're doing everything you possibly can to take care of yourself too. Praying that the new doctor you're seeing on the 14th is able to get your blood pressure under control, and the recovery period from your surgery, although lengthy, goes as quickly as possible. Praying that you feel a bit better every day.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

I'm so glad to hear you're finally out of the sling and will be starting PT!! I'm also glad that the fires have been contained. Hope it cools off enough soon so you can get some walks in. I know when I'm able to get a morning walk in, I feel so much better.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good Friday morning, Carole. I was
looking at the headlines on my NY Post
app, and I came across a moving, personal
account of that horrible day in NYC: 9/11/21. Tom Van Essen was the
Commisioner of the NYC Fire Department
(FDNY). He quoted a line : "We should
never ever forget. But we really don't want
to remember". Van Essen went on to say,
"I remember what happened like it was
yesterday". This sums up what a lot of us,
on Grief in Common, feel. In fact, I've
become so empathetic, that I got choked
up while reading Van Essen's words. To
protect myself, I will not be watching
a graphic history of what happened on
Sept. 11. Like most people, I recall where
I was when I heard the news. Linda & I
were vacationing in another state. So, this
brings back happy memories of traveling
with Linda, but also, the horror of that day
in NYC, which changed our lives, and that
of so many others. Where were you and
Ron that day? May we both have some
peace tomorrow. Lou

 

Good morning, Deb. Hope this finds you
well. I was looking at the headlines on the
NY Post app on my phone, and came across a personal, moving account of that
horrible day in NYC: September 11, 2001.

Correction: Von Essen

 

Deb, hope this finds you well. It occurred
to me that I don't remember the name of
your husband. This is a somber morning
for me, bc tomorrow is September 11.
I will not be watching any of the graphic
history of that horrific day. In addition to
the many people who were killed, there're
been countless others, who suffered
lung damage, & other illnesses, which
ultimately killed them, also. Then, there
was the mental & emotional toll of PTSD.
As I told Carole this am, Linda & I were
vacationing in another state, that sunny,
beautiful morning on 9/11/21. Today, I
wept, bc I recalled our traveling in good
times. Like so many other Americans, that
day changed our lives forever. Where were you & your husband that day? Lou

 

Good Friday Morning to you Lou. I won't be watching anything to do with 9/11 either. Ron and I were at home. I was just waking up to get ready for work, and thought it was a movie on tv. Realized in short order it was for real, happening right before everyone's eyes. Ron sat clued to the tv all day (he worked nights), I watched some when I got home from work. It was to much for me, had to stop. 9/11 certainly changed out lives, the way we interacted with strangers, even friends.

I had a surprise invitation yesterday(actually the night before) from Ron's childhood friend(and his wife) to come spend the day at Buckeye Lake. They live on the lake, have a boat, a huge back deck, so I gathered up my courage and drove up. Had a very pleasant day. Steve is not in good health, but he grilled out, we sat on the deck, watched the boaters, enjoyed the beautiful day. His wife(Shelly) and I strolled around, went up to the ice cream shop(I remember it from my childhood) had ice cream, walked the neighborhood. Everyone knows everyone where they live, very tight community. Got home around 6, took a shower and promptly fell asleep. Woke up this morning with songs running through my head, fed Gabby, got dressed and took a walk.

I hope you are feeling better and your knee has healed. Take care, stay safe, sending hugs and pleasant thoughts your way. Carole

 

Thank you so much for answering my
9/11 depression & tears, Carole. Like you,
my day got better when I got outside. So
glad you had a surprise good day. I like
PLEASANT surprises. My friend, N.,
drove me to physical therapy today. I was
greeted by a warm, young married
female PT. She put me at ease right away,
when she found out it was my first time.
We had an hour in a small lab room.After
she addressed my knee problem, I told
her I was a widower, and it was very
difficult to go to medical appointments
without my wife. Because she had such
kind eyes above her mask, and a warm
sense of humor, I ended up telling her
about the last time I saw Linda, my PTSD,
& recounting how Linda had made me
promise to be happy, and even to find
another woman. The PT said that Linda
sounded like quite a woman. Then, I broke down, and she offered me kleenex. I said
I was sorry for blabbing, but she said we
had an hour, and she wanted to listen to
my story. I will see her every Mon & Fri,
& do exercises at home. As I left the
office, I said I'd fill out a survey & highly
recommend her. She said I was "sweet".
Lou

 

Hi Lou, glad to hear you got in to see about your
knee and with therapy it will be healed.
Jack was always with me ( when he was well ) during
those Difficult times. I know how you felt. I felt same
as you did today. Glad you have a great therapist.

Including Deb. Karen, Carole,Robin, Jim and others
In my posting here, easier for me at this time.

I fixed slab of BBQ Ribs today, gave daughter
and her husband half, she has had to work long
hours the past couple weeks, she's RN.
I was frustrated as wanted to bake a carrot cake,
but couldn't read the ingredients, will be so
thankful when the swelling is down and pray
My vision will be okay.
Carole I read you are in Ohio, Jack was born
in Canton, they moved west when he was 12
years of age.
Has Jim (Oneman ) posted recently,
hope he's doing okay and the smoke has cleared
there so he can get out and about.

Karen I did read the post with the poem, glad to
read you are in therapy for your arm. I recall all
the smoke from the fires. Will never forget when
we let our Doberman inside during a fire in our
Valley, air condition had to be on, then we
quickly found out she had gotten sprayed by
a skunk , poor Gretta and us. My brother in law
and wife said they are getting the smoke from
California fires in northern Wyoming too.

Deb, did you start volunteering at the new
shelter yet? I have a small dog, she is four
pounds, I am so thankful for her. It sounds
lovely there near the beach. We always enjoyed
our trips to Santa Barbara beach and our Oxnard
deep sea fishing (in our younger years.)

Best I be signing off but wanted to include
others here in my posting to you Lou.
Take care everyone, Blessings, Patti

 

Thank you, Patti, for your kind words about
my knee therapy. I didn't want to do it, bc
Linda hated it, but it was a lot tougher for
her. Feel free to share our emails with others
here. I've been corresponding with Deb and
Carole every day, but Karen and Jim are
suffering through the smoke of the
Northwest. I'm grateful that Linda & I traveled
cross country. We stayed at a scenic motel
in Santa Barbara, and I vaguely remember
Oxnard.When I was a boy, I went on a
cross country trip and saw San Francisco &
Los Angeles, and they were magical. It's
tragic that things have gotten worse, with
a large homeless population and increased
crime. It seems that many Californians are
moving to other states, including our friend,
Karen. Time to see my friends at local bar.
Fridays always cheer me up. Lou

 

Hello Lou, Bring out of the house with people I know, being able to share memories(and a few laughs) with Steve(he and Ron grew up together, got in trouble together, joined the service together, Ron the Army, Steve the Navy. I think I have found a picture of the submarine Steve served on, if I ever get up that way again I will take it with me, see if it is in fact the sub he was on.

So glad you had a positive experience with your PT. That will make it much easier and better for you. There is no shame in breaking down, and really no need for us to apologize when we do. I think letting the tears flow helps in some way.

Had 2 walks today, beautiful day, sunny, calm, 75 degrees. I run into a gentleman sometimes, when he would walk pass the house, if Ron and I were out on the porch, he would say :"hello" stop for a minute or two to chat. His dog would lay down in the yard. Saw him on my afternoon walk, he asked about Ron, wondered why he hasn't seen him this year. When I told him Ron had passed away in June, he apologized to me, said he didn't mean to bring up a hurtful time. I didn't breakdown until he went on his way, and me on mine, then cried on the way home.

Songs that were running through my head this morning, I didn't know I knew them, or who sang them. Typed in words I could kind of remember into Google to find them. One was "Always Something There to Remind Me" Dionne Warwick, "I'm Feeling Good" Nina Simone," I Can See Clearly Now" Johnny Nash. I guess I knew them at one time or another, they got buried in my mind, along with other stuff. Ron always said I would have made a killing on "Jeopardy".

Time for dinner. Take care, think good thoughts of Linda, sending hugs and pleasant thoughts your way. Talk again soon. Carole P.S. I will send a message to Patti later. I haven't chatted with her yet, saw a question to me in her post to you.

 

I have taken some time to think about my life. The last few months have been the most difficult I have ever been through. I lost my wife of 30 years. It has been heartbreaking, confusing, and a loss that can not be replaced.
This man loved that woman. He knew from day one what he found. I gave her 30 years of love and togetherness.
She is gone. Except for a picture and an urn on a small table, and 30 years of memories.

And yet, I am still standing.

There will be moments when I'll look at that picture, shed some tears, and tell her I love her. There will be moments when I'll look at that picture, smile, and tell her I love her.

And, I am still standing.

I have not given up on living this life. I have been through a lot in my life, even before Mary became part of it. I have survived. I am filled with hope now. I look forward to what life has to offer. Yes, there will be struggles. There will be moments of joy. It is the way life is. I will experience all that life gives.

When I started this thread I didn't know what to think. By writing some of my thoughts, the confusion and discouragement were worked though. I have read through this thread (and other threads here) and thought about what the reality of grief is like. It is hard. No one knows what it is like except for those who experience it first hand.
Going through the past few months has given me a different view of this life. I have seen what it is like to love and what it is like to lose the person that love is given to. I have become more easy going and understanding of what someone goes through in this life. And I have become more understanding of myself.

To every person who has written in this thread, thank you. Your words have helped more than I can say.

I will finish with a poem I wrote.

"Music for the Soul"

I am a man, but not "Of Constant Sorrow."
I have seen the "Bridge over Troubled Waters."
And I am on the "Country Road (that'll) Take Me Home."
My life has been "The Long and Winding Road."

Now, there are those who would like to "Paint it Black."
Or maybe they would like a "Whiter Shade of Pale."
Or they might know "It Is Not Easy Being Green."
Probably because they have the "Folsom Prison Blues."

Some people have traveled by "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."
Others have lived in a "Yellow Submarine."
There are people who would "Ride My Bicycle."
And sometimes they roller skate because they don't own a car.

One might have "Friends in Low Places."
They might even know "A Man of High Position."
Were any of them "A Pinball Wizard?"
Could be they were just a "Nowhere Man."

A person may be "Born to be Wild."
They might instead "Have a Peaceful Easy Feeling."
But what "If I Could Turn Back Time?"
And found out it was only "Time in a Bottle."

All of this can just be "A Dream Weaver."
But I can look "On a Hill Far Away."
Why? Because "Love Lifted Me."
How do I know- "Jesus loves me this I know..."

This is no "Forever Blowing Bubbles."
It is "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand."
He has given a "Peace Like a River."
My "Hope is Built on Nothing Less.

And so I'll end this "Little Ditty."
It has not been with any "Sounds of Silence."
Maybe someday, on "Some Glad Morning, We'll Fly Away."
Until then, May "God Be With You."

oneman

 

Oh my gosh, I'm all choked up. That is beautiful, thank you for posting.

 

Carole, as I may have said to you before,
I know that if Linda had known you, she
would have liked to have you as a friend.
When she was growing up, she would
play records of music from the 50s &
early 60s, & knew all the words. We joked
that with my knowledge of history, & her
expertise on everything cultural, in
literature, music, & the arts, that we
could have been on Jeopardy, but as a
team. You use some of the same funny
phrases Linda used. Example: when I
was a demanding ass, she would say that
SHE had " the patience of Job". The PT
listened to my story of being completely
alone when Linda died. I spent the
family holiday of Thanksgiving, with 8
other clients,in a small psychiatric unit.
We were a "family", which I sorely
needed. I never want to feel that
extreme loneliness again. The PT was
glad I'm building a network of friends,
now. Time for bed. It was a full, but
tiring day. N. is going to the American
Legion, for coffee, with me at 8:30am.
Hope you continue to sleep well. Lou

 

Hi Jim, thank you so much, reading your posting was so
uplifting, your poem is Beautifull.
After reading your poem I went to you tube and brought
up some of Alan Jackson hymns. I also have couple of his
CDs, my favorites.

I use to write poetry, Jack asked me to write one for
him, I titled it " Time" it was the last one I wrote.
I was inspired to write his poem after hearing
Alan Jackson sing, " I Want To Stroll Heaven With You ."
I also want to say , "you have inspired me to think
about myself getting back into writing again."

I believe we all are blessed that you started this group,
(Thank you for doing so.)

I shall look forward to checking back soon to visit with you,
and everyone here. Blessings, Patti

 

Jim, ( hope you don't mind my calling you
Jim, rather than "oneman". I agree with
our good friend, Patti, that your poem is
beautiful.Music is powerful, and I like
most of the songs in your poem. Lou
( Van Gogh)