Loss after three decade relationship.

THERE ARE SEVERAL FIRES GOING ON AT ONCE AND MORE KEEP POPPING UP, THEY SAY ITS OUR CALIF DROUGHT FOR 3 YEARS.
GLAD YOUR FAMILY ARE SAFE. THE EARTH HAS ITS OWN MIND.

 

Good Morning Lou, I hope all is well with you. The ending of The Swimmer was depressing, but , from a woman's perspective, I didn't feel all that bad for him. He got creepy when he made a play for his former babysitter. When his "friends" started turning on him, I wasn't sure why, until the end. He had lost everything, his wife, his kids, his job, his self respect, his home,but still going on like everything was just fine. I will look up Hootchie Cootchie Man, I like blues music, more instrumental (piano or guitar) than with words. I never paid much attention to The Police song, until I really listened to it, then "stalker" popped into my mind.
Another good sleeping night, I did fall asleep in my chair, woke up around midnight and turned off the TV, and light, went to bed. Gabby got me up a little before 7, so I popped out of bed, fed her, made the bed, opened the windows and doors, made a pot of coffee, checked here, now time for breakfast. Sun is trying to break through the clouds, suppose to get to 86 today, low humidity, no rain. Ok, time to rustle up some breakfast. Take care, sending good thoughts your way, talk again soon. Carole

 

Carole,

It was too hot to walk this morning, but I was hoping after I got back from the grocery store today, I would find that same throw pillow, in the same position it was in yesterday, when I returned from my walk. It was exactly as I left it. It made me sad, but made me think about something that happened when my husband first passed away. I went for a walk, and couldn't stop crying. Everywhere I went, everything reminded me of him... I wanted more than anything to know he was okay, to know he was still here, watching over me. As I was crying, and thinking about this, a beautiful yellow butterfly flew right in front of me, then flew higher into the sky, heading towards my left, as it seemed to cross the road, quickly out of sight.

I want so much to believe that the things you've experienced, the things I've experienced, are not coincidences. I want to, have to believe, that our husbands are finding ways to let us know they are okay, and will always be watching over us. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

This message is for everyone. Has anyone heard from Connie? I miss her and have been thinking ao

Connie,

I have that widow foggy brain thing going on, so I'm not sure if you've posted anything recently. I think about you often. When is the closing? Or, have you already sold your house? Have you moved yet? Enough questions! I hope wherever you are in this process, things are going smoothly.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb,
Four different times since Jack passed I have experienced things that happened.
I couldn't understand them. I do now.

This morning I went to start my car but first time it didn't, second time it did.
I got to my destination, then when I went to start my car again it did the same thing,
I then went to have my battery checked, he said it showed 100% but showed the cells
Were bad. And it wouldn't start. Just the past week while driving several times
I thought , I need to get a new battery, even though there wasn't any indication I
needed a new one. My battery was a three year and only was two years old.
The man told me that I have a guardian angel watching over me.
I do believe in signs and that Jack is watching out over me.
Hugs, Blessings, Patti

 

Connie,

Let me try this one more time... I mean it when I say I'm technically challenged!!! I must also have that widow foggy brain thing to the max!!! I'm so glad you sold your home. I hope everything is going well.

Sending more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb, Today was a good day. Walked this morning, sunny and cool. Walked and talked to Ron and myself. I have no doubt our husbands are looking after us, and leave little messages for us. I have done something that may sound morbid, did it anyway. The hospital gave me Ron's wedding ring, dentures, and glasses the night before his surgery. I put them in a box with some other things I knew he would want saved, sealed it up and pushed it to the side. Today I was poking around in my jewelry box, found some gold chains I had forgotten about. A light went off in my head, I opened up the sealed box, got out Ron's ring, wearing it around my neck. Fired up his computer and got on youtube, 1st thing that popped was a music video Ron liked. That was my sign. Gabby has been on a rip snorting tear today, she has been running around the house like a kitten (she is an older cat). The nap in the sun must have done her some good.

Had the driveway done today, it needed it bad. The man across the street, that thinks the front of my house is his parking space, will be PO'd, I am parked on the street until tomorrow. I will set the car alarm before I go to bed, I don't like leaving the car out front.

How was your day? A good one I hope, filled with good memories, good thoughts. Watched a movie on TCM, "A Face In The Crowd" a 1957 movie with Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal, a very young Lee Remick, Walter Matthau. Good movie.

I will close for now. Sending hugs, good thoughts and peace to you. Lou, if you are around, have you seen the above movie? I hope everyone has a good night and a better tomorrow. Carole

 

Hi Lou, Sorry for the late reply. I had a very good day today. Read what I wrote to Deb.

I looked up "Hoochie Coochie Man" the original Muddy Waters, the Buddy Guy rendition and the Buddy Guy, Eric Clapton rendition. I liked them all. Went on a blues trip, listened to B.B. King, SRV, some more Eric Clapton, Blind Willie Johnson, Robert Johnson. You have created a monster. I will be looking for older blues tomorrow. Music does sooth the soul, but I think one has to be in the right frame of mind to listen and enjoy.

Please be careful when you are out and about. I have noticed my perception is off, especially at night. Guess that comes with old age. It gets dark much to early, makes the nights longer. I have been sleeping better, and longer.

Ron always said I had a way with words. I say what I feel. I think sometimes I say something I shouldn't. I found some empty notebooks of Ron's, he must have forgotten he had them, I may start a memory journal about our life together. We had good times, sad times(deaths in both families), did silly stuff when younger, laughed, cried, I remember it all.

I will say goodnight. I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Sending hugs and pleasant thoughts your way. Carole

 

It pleases me that you follow my
suggestions in music & movies, Carole.
Ron was right. You DO have a way with
words, & so do I. The words flow from
the heart. When Linda & I went places,
either walks by the ocean, or favorite
restaurants, etc., I kept a daily journal. I would use different color pens to match
my mood: green & blue for calm, red
for red hot anger(!), and so forth. Later,
after Linda died, I kept writing, like
Jackson Pollock painted, & just let it fly.
When I started talking with a grief
counselor/ therapist, I had to organize my
thoughts into concise talking points, &
copied the relevant phrases in my notebook. The House of Blues was our
1st date. We STOOD, in a smoke filled (!)
room to hear Buddy Guy & other blues
greats. I don't go out at night. I also don't
drive anymore, by choice. If I hear there's
ice on the ground, in winter, I stay inside.
Hope you continue to sleep well. I like to
sleep under a blanket in a cooler room,
with just a fan near me. Pleasant dreams.
Lou

 

I had to answer. Your last statement about sleeping under a blanket, in a cooler room, with a fan, brought a picture to my mind of Ron, he slept with a fan year round. I would get an extra blanket for myself. When Dustin( the dog) was alive, he would snuggle between us, happy memory, thank you!!! I don't venture out at night either. I drive, but I have a comfort zone, Kroger, gas station, vet. The hospital and nursing home were in my comfort zone. You know, I miss going to the hospital/nursing home. I was up every morning, got the paper, had breakfast, it was like I had a purpose. I would get to the hospital around 9, read articles to Ron, hold his hand, comb his hair. His Dr.'s would come in, tell me how he was doing, nurses popped in every hour, respiratory tech. He was in ICU for 2 weeks, a private room for 2 wks. before being moved to the nursing home. There I did the same thing, combed his hair, held his hand, talked to him, catch a small smile, a raised eyebrow. Usually stayed until 2, come home have lunch, relax for a bit, head back around 4 until 6/7. Always kissed him good bye, told him I loved him and I would see him in the morning. 13 days later he passed away, I didn't make it back that Sat. afternoon, and I will forever regret it.

I love suggestions on music, movies, books. I don't read as much, Ron did auto books, his eyesight was bad, mine is getting there. Should probably get my eyes checked and new glasses. My thoughts jump around around right now. I would like to start writing my thoughts, memories, down. No one to leave them to, but it might help me with the grieving.

I will close once more. Talk again soon. Sending good thoughts your way. Sleep well my friend. Carole

 

Carole, when you wrote last night. I was
already in dreamland ( our time
difference, Ohio vs. Massachusetts). I've
also been crashing earlier, bc I'm outside,
walking a lot in the day. I'm holding on to
summer days. The shops & restaurants
are shortstaffed, bc the young, mostly
women, are returning to high school or
college. It's a little depressing that these
places are closing at 4pm. Weekends are
still busy with tourists & locals. Yesterday,
I was sitting alone on "The Neck", our
promenade of shops, by the harbor. It was
deserted. I texted my young ex-Army
buddy, who many people think is my son.
He showed up on a motor scooter. Then,
a woman, in her 50s, who I like, walked by
with her puppy Rottweiler. I've spoken of
her before. I'll refer to her as L. I don't
want to blow our friendship, by coming on
too strong. She's divorced, with a daughter
who just started her freshman year in
college. They just moved here, & bought a
house, so they have a lot on their plate.
My young friend, N., & I met L., her
daughter, L., and their dog, L. With all
those L. letters, I thought that was a sign.
We all laughed, anyway. It's been about
2 years & 9 months since Linda died. When she became ill, she made me
promise to try to be happy, and even to
meet another woman. I don't want to put
all my hopes on L. I want to meet other
women, but the local women are married.
Before COVID, when I was drinking at my
local bar, I met 2 different single women,
daytripper from Boston. One of them was
very kind, & wanted to hear my story. I
did most of the talking, but she didn't
mind. She asked if I ever went to the city,
and I said no, "been there done that". I
shook her hand, said she'd make a good
therapist, & never saw her again. I wasn't
really attracted to her physically. The 2nd
woman turned out to have a drinking
problem, & basically picked me up. Her
aggressiveness turned me off, though I
was flattered, bc she was only 50. I didn't
lie about my age, but didn't broadcast it,
either. I'm not sure how you & the other
widows here, feel about being involved
with another man. Lou

 

Good Morning Lou, I hope you had a good night. We are in the same time zone. I have been walking in the mornings,(it is quieter, I can talk to Ron and myself, neighbors aren't around to wonder what is that old lady doing) Ron and I walked in the evenings. When Dustin was alive I walked him in the mornings(Ron was not a morning person), then we would walk him in the evenings. After Dustin passed away, evening walks were the norm.

Most of the people I come in contact with are 20-30 yrs. younger than I am. I am not sure how I feel about being involved with another man. I am so set in my ways, I'm not sure there is another man that would put up with me like Ron did, he had the patience of Job.

It is good you have a friend you can call on. I have a couple I can call, one lives in Chicago, one in west Columbus. They can't show up at the house, but they do let me talk and cry. Both have lost their husbands, Sharon, 8 months ago, Penny 18 months ago. Penny's husband was a good friend of Ron's.

Ron would want me to be happy and carry on without him, right now the pain and grief is still fresh. I am doing a bit better, got through a whole day yesterday without crying. Watched "Curly Top" last night. Shirley Temple was such a cutie, and so talented to be so young. "The Green Promise" is on TMC now. I saw it several years ago, so listening to it while typing this. When Natalie Wood died, Ron was heart broken, she was his favorite actress. I always liked Marilyn Monroe. I think I identified with her ditziness (not sure of the spelling).

Time to get some chores done. Do the dishes, clean the litter box, run the vacuum, normal everyday things. I hope you have a good day, think pleasant thougths of Linda, know she is with you in spirit. Take care, talk again soon. Hugs and smiles. Carole

 

Thank you for replying, this am. May I
ask if you were younger than Ron? Your
outlook, sense of humor, seems to place
you at a younger age. I don't mean to pry.
When I was growing up, I was taught to
never ask a woman her age. But, then
again, I was taught that men asked women
out for a date, not the other way around. I
was also taught that men should always
pick up the check in a restaurant, and
hold a car door open for women. Then,
the women's liberation movement came
along, and the "sexual revolution", and
all of that went out the window. Now. we
have the "Me, too" movement, thanks to
awful predators in Hollywood, sports, etc.
Unfairly, a woman is ALWAYS supposed to
be believed if she says a man acted
inappropriately, even by word, not just
by deed. What a strange cancel culture
world in which we live right now. The
comedians on The Ed Sullivan Show, or,
later, The Johnny Carson Show, would've
been condemned & cancelled. America
has become a fearful, humorless nation,
except for you & me, and a few others!
That's my rant for the day. Better here,
than on the street! Lou

 

Carole, here's a p.s. to my earlier thread
to you this morning. Growing up, I was
partial to blonde women. Linda was
blonde, with blue eyes. I used to tease
her that they sometimes turned green.
Her eyes reminded me of the ocean we
both loved. Both of us liked Marilyn
Monroe, in "Some Like it Hot" and "The
Seven Year Itch". She was actually quite
intelligent, but very troubled. We liked
Natalie Wood , in "Splendor in the Grass".
She had a sad, mysterious end, as well.
I'm glad you have a support system, and
2 widows with whom you can share your
grief. I had tried a widowed persons
group. 20 women & me. One would think
I was lucky, but I didn't feel that way. We
would briefly tell our sad story to each
new member, but I grew tired of it. When
they won't mourning their husbands, they
would talk about what restaurant to go to
after the meeting. Same old thing, week
after week. Not for me. I get so much more
out of the daily interactions on Grief in
Common. Lou

 

Hi Lou,
Replying to both your messages, I think it is called multi-tasking. Ron was just shy of being 6 yrs. older than me. He was born Oct. 22, 1940, I was born July 9, 1946. I have dark blonde hair(did color it in my younger days), green eyes, that turn emerald when I cry. My hair now has silver streaks. Ron at 80, had no gray hair, but was going bald. He hated that. I never succumbed to the feminist movement. I like having someone(male or female) open a door for me, I always thank them. I am done with the "woke" people. I guess that is why I stay away from people as much as possible. I don't think of myself as old, until I look in the mirror, even then I don't think I am old. I have always had a younger outlook on life, I think that is why Ron and I were together for so long. He was not confrontational, would let people walk all over him. Me at 5 foot, 110 lbs. would confront someone in a heartbeat. He used to tell people I could accomplish more in 10 min. than he could in 2 hrs. of trying to get his point across.

I have seen "Splendor In The Grass" so many times, I love that movie. "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" I like, "Some Like It Hot" is a hoot. Ron and I both enjoyed the movie. "Close Encounters of The Third Kind" I think may be one of my all time favorites. I have watched it over and over. "Jaws" is up there also, only the first one. The other Jaws movies got stupid. Ron was an old movie(1930-1950) buff, he is the one that introduced me to Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire movies, Gene Kelly movies, Charlie Chaplin, Busby Berkeley ( the lavishness of his movies was spectacular) etc. I will forever be greatful to Ron for expanding my mind to movies of old.

It is nice to have some one to talk to on the phone, I do miss the face to face conversations though. Being here on Grief In Common has helped in a good way. I enjoy the messages I get, and answering back. I am glad I found my way back.

The sun is out, it was cloudy this morning. I think I will set on the porch for awhile. Chores are done, time to relax.

Take care, hugs and smiles your way. Talk again soon. Carole

 

Very interesting, Carole. You & I have the
same sign. I turned 72 on the Fourth of
July. I was always a patriotic boy! I was
nonconfrontational, like Ron. I'm short &
Linda was shorter & feistier. She got me
in trouble a few times. She hated loud
noise, whether a boorish big guy at a bar
( while we were trying to have a quiet
dinner) , or a screaming baby, which a
parent wouldn't remove from a restaurant.
She would speak up, in a loud voice. The
big guy at the bar would turn to me, and
ask, "what did she say?" A young parent
would get mad at Linda. I liked Close
Encounters & Jaws, also, & saw them in
packed theaters, long before I met Linda.
I also saw The Godfather movies when they came out. As for age, my best friends
are 34 year old N., ex Army, and 97 year
old woman, G. G is my role model. She
buried 2 husbands, but doesn't dwell in the
past. She is cheerful, has a positive
attitude, is interested in people. Lou

 

Hi Lou, struggling to read ( I use an iPad, so glad it enables me
to stretch out postings to enable me to read )due to the surgery,
still lot of swelling.
I recall you mentioning you were diagnosed with PTSD., I have
Been questions myself if I might have PTSD due to this horrible
Grief since Jack passed. I never had high BP, till I lost Jack.
After my move, the new doctors I went to can't get it under control.
am seeing a new Dr. 14 Th (next week) has taken months for the new
patient appointment. I am praying he can help.
I've had a difficult time trying to read the postings from everyone
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti, thank you so much for replying to
me today, especially bc you're having a
vision problem & high blood pressure.
It's so vital that we take care of our
physical health, while we work through
our grief. I saw my wife collapse in front
of me right before she died. I couldn't get
that horrible image of her out of my head.
My PTSD stemmed from my survivor's
guilt, and the unfair belief that I could
have done more to save her. It took months of sobbing, in the home office of
a kind psychiatric nurse practitioner, to
be able to carry on with my life. Linda
died 2 years & 9 months ago. I still cry
most mornings before I walk outside, but
I don't weep uncontrollably, like I did in the beginning. I've been to the ER in the
middle of the night, for an unexpected
physical problem, and I prayed to God
that I'd make it. This was a far cry from
when so didn't care if I lived, or died, after
my soulmate, best ( & only) friend AND
family, left this earth. Please stay with us
on Grief in Common, as best as you can.
It has helped me tremendously. Lou