Loss after three decade relationship.

I am so glad they made you feel welcome. Vets are special people in my opinion. Very warm and welcoming and helpful. What did you do when you were working?

 

After graduating from college, majoring
in American History, I didn't know what
I wanted to do. My father was a teacher,
and I tried that, but didn't like it. Then,
I had a stressful 3 to 11pm shift at an
institution for developmentally
disabled adults. When that got to be
too much, I worked at a bookstore,
slowly becoming a manager. The
late 60s were a strange, tragic time,
with the war, assassinations, college
eruptions, etc. Your husband definitely
got the worst of it. Sometimes, I think
the only good things out of that era,
were my lifelong ( renewed ) friends,
and some of the music, TV shows, &
movies.

 

Jim, forgive me for some of my replies.
I get mixed up sometimes, bc I was
replying to Don Con 20, whose husband
was a Vietnam veteran. I was not, bc I
had a high lottery number in the draft.
Thank you for sharing Mary's name. I
think that's healthy. Everyone grieves
differently. When Linda died, I donated
her clothes immediately. I saved our
wedding photos, but put them in a safe
place, bc it's still too heartwrenching
for me to look at them. I tossed the
funny holiday greeting cards, bc they
made me depressed. I don't regret that
decision. Clutter makes me angry. I
need to simplify my life, & enjoy the
outdoors. Loul

 

Tc

A bookstore sounds wonderful. Back in the day I was an avid reader. I would read a book a day. Loved James Bond, space type books. Fascinated with adventure. Then research. I retired from Better Business Bureau. I investigated, reported, exposed. God led me up and down many paths. Sounds like you enjoyed your job.

 

Good for you about the Better
Business Bureau. My favorite part
of the bookstore job, was finding &
recommending books. I worked in the
city, near a university, so I saw many
celebrities walk in. If they looked
grouchy, I didn't acknowledge who they
were. Sometimes, the worst ones were
those who pressured me to put THEIR
books in the window. My schedule was
disruptive, in retrospect. Opening store
at 7am some days, closing at 11pm
other days which I hated. Never had 2
days off in a row. My days off were Tues.
& Fri. To relax, I drank a LOT of beer.
So, a bookstore isn't like it's shown in
romantic movies.

 

Sometimes things can get confusing. I don't have a lot of things. I'm a minimalist kind of person. Mary kept everything. I find little post it notes in various places.
It is not easy going through all of the stuff. The memories are many when I come across things. What to keep, what not to keep gets hard.

 

Mary, my wife, was an avid reader. She always was reading something. Whenever we drove out of town for any occasion She would have a book in hand. Then the Kindle came out. Sometimes she would pull the covers over her late at night just to read her Kindle and not wake me up. Always had something to read in her hand. An amazing thing to watch.

 

I'm glad you're more of a minimalist
guy. Putting aside the painful sorting
that you're doing, is another facet of
grief that I'm going through now. My
grief counselor compared my memories
of my courtship & marriage of Linda, to
the old slide projectors of our childhood.
A slide would appear, of a trip taken,
a shared laugh. Right now, these "slides"
bring me to tears. As you said, it's clear
that our wives will not be with us
physically again. You said you've been
through a lot in life, as have I, both
mentally & physically. But, this is by
far the worst.

 

Sounds like a well read lady, your Mary. Reading is such a joy. How are you?

 

Sounds like a interesting career. I have a good friend that has written 4-5 books. The only ones that ultimately make $ is the publishers unless its picked up for a movie like Harry Potter. I bet you did get to meet some folks. The hours was a little crazy. My husband also lived his Coors Light. He had to quit due to meds.

 

Her thirst for knowledge was incredible. But she was selective in what she read. Mary also took part in the book club in this community.

You asked how I'm doing. To put it simply, after 30 years together I find it hard. I do things to try and occupy my mind (house work, yard work, watch something on tv, etc.). But there is a void now. All the things I do are okay. But she is not here to share the doing with. I can't say "I'm going outside to trim that bush." And not hear "Okay, I'm going to watch my soap opera while you're outside." It is this kind of interaction that I miss.
Now, if I go out and trim a bush, it just gets done.
Sometimes she would come out and we would talk about whatever. Just to be together for a few minutes. And share in whatever we were doing. "How's the soap opera going?" "What about those branches on that tree?"
Its been six weeks since Mary passed. Its been six weeks of wondering, crying, looking at stuff, and trying to figure out why. Why did she go so quickly? Why couldn't we spend more of life together? Why? This is what is hard for me to understand. Maybe this kind of thinking is not right, but it is what I think about.
It is the difficulty of losing the one person I truly loved, and trusted, and cared about.

 

Jim, your eloquent words made me cry
this am. Linda & I were inseparable. I
didn't even need a "man cave". We didn't
meet until our mid 40s. We had other
relationships, but we never wanted to
marry them. Both sets of our parents had
loveless marriages, and we weren't like
them. It's as if we waited for each other.
Linda & I met at a party, but we were
both clear eyed & sober. I had met previous women in bars. My judgment
was impaired then. I agree with you, Jim,
that I miss the daily contact, the "little
things", the most. That's why I highly
recommend The Widower's Notebook.
I was so moved by his book, that I
emailed Jonathan to thank him for his
amazing book, and told him about Linda's
death. His story was so similar to mine,
that I said he was like a brother I never
had. He took the time to email me late at
night & I was shocked & pleasantly
surprised to see his email in the morning.
Jonathan lives in the same NYC loft that
he shared with his wife of 40 years. I
must say that you are very brave to
write your emotions to us so soon after
Mary's death. I had PTSD. I was in total
shock & disbelief, that I needed to talk
with a psychiatric nurse practioner for
6 months. I managed to move, but I felt
like a zombie, bc I had to make decisions
without Linda. Thank God I'm better, but
still cry for Linda everyday, even while I
write to you. Since you live in Oregon, and
I live on the coast of Massachusetts, we are
in different time zones. Lou

 

I can understand. My husband passed 3 weeks ago and the tears, loss, companionship and love is not here. We just celebrated our 49th anniversary. My husband fell and had a brain bleed and was in a coma and passed. In a blur a viable man in a coma, developed infection, heart and passed in hospice. The house we shared is going on the market. He fell here. It is not the house ‘s fault but what it represents. He fell in his man cave. His favorite room in the house. All his war memorabilia and antiques was in that room. His big recliner, large screen TV. I had to go in that room where he fell. His dog, Gizzy would roll over where he fell. Gizzy would just lay around and whine when daddy did not come home. I call my home the house of horrors. In spite if all if it, I am grateful for the 49 years I was given with this wonderful man. If I had passed first, it would have been him here instead of me. I know he will be waiting for me on the other side when its my time. I purchased a doublewide in a community closer to my granddaughter and 2 greats grandsons. I move next month. It is a change. It is very hard to move because it is the first time I have bought a home without him.
Where do you live? I live outside of Atlanta. It is hot and humid. Crime is here. One day at a time..

 

Good morning…

 

I am sorry that your husband's passing was sudden. I watched my wife slowly, over the three month,s change. Then the last week was sudden. She went from someone who was alive to minimally responsive to passing. I was with her through that week.
I think you are doing a good thing, moving to a manageable house setting. And you'll have family to surround you.

I live in Oregon, in a small farming community. I'm originally from NY. A major change for me. It is hot but dry here. Very low humidity.

I think one of the hard things for people, like us, is doing things without the other person. Whether it is something major, like buying a home, or buying something simple, like a new outfit, not having her here is difficult. We would always go together when my wife wanted to buy some new clothes. She would always ask for my opinion about this top or those pants. She always had her own style, but would include me in her shopping. Now that won't happen.

Yes, life is one day at a time.

 

One of the things I've learned in my life is I can't keep things bottled up within me. I give Mary a lot of credit for this. When I came home from work we each would talk about our day. I used to be very stoic. Never showing my thoughts or feelings. I had to break out of that to be able to share my day with my wife. I learned to trust her. This one of the reasons her passing is difficult. I don't have her here to trust with what I think or feel. No matter how good or not so good the day is.

 

Your husband was a great, fun guy. I
would have liked him, and you would've
liked Linda. A sense of humor is key.
I drank beers from all over the U.S. and
even the world, from 18 to 66. When my
doctor found out I have Celiac Disease,
I couldn't drink beer unless it was gluten
free. I drank hard cider, then vodka, soda,
cranberry or pineapple juice, & a lime. I asked the friendly bartenders at my
local bar, to skip the alcohol, when I hit
the wall of depression, & was weeping
at the bar over a song. I had my fill over
the years. As Sinatra sang , in "My Way",
" I find it all amusing......"