Loss after three decade relationship.

Good Sunday morning! I hope everyone is doing well today. Cloudy and misty rain here. Reading through the messages gives me a bit of calmness, whether I comment not. Three nights I have slept the whole night through, forgot to turn on security light 2 of those nights. Gabby(cat) makes sure I get up in the mornings, she is my alarm clock stands next to me, meowing as loud as possible. She is good company, (not as good as Dustin(dog)was,) so I'll keep her.
I have to agree with Lou, Percy Sledge, can't beat the original. Some covers of songs are ok, others just plain suck. For some reason I went on youtube last night and went on a magical music tour. Looked up oldies by The Temptations, The Four Tops, The Righteous Brothers, Barry White, Moody Blues, Procol Harum, Rolling Stones, etc. Did a couple 2 Cello videos, is it okay to post music videos?
Saturday started out good, cool, sunny. Was up, took a shower, got dressed, was going to meet a friend, never happened, I had a big melt down, sobbing uncontrollably, talking to Ron, God, the cat. This went on for almost 2 hours, I was angry, sad, hurt, when it was over, I called my friend to apologize, had to leave a voice mail, she must be upset with me, no reply so far.
Lou, glad you had a good time Friday night, had some laughs, good food and best if all good company. Jim, I hope you are making it through this long week-end okay. DEB, if I said something to upset you, I am sorry. Closing for now, get some breakfast, watch some TCM(watched 12 Angry Men and Lawrence of Arabia) yesterday after my meltdown. Everyone take care, have a pleasant day, sending good thoughts and peacefulness. Carole

 

Good Sun morning, Deb. Sitting outside
at Hula Moon, a friendly breakfast
place. Started out crying over Linda,
"talking to her again, telling her I loved
her, missed her, and wanted to see her
one more time to tell her I was OK, and
to ask how she was". Then, I said I would
join her in spirit one day. ( But, as a
wise woman of 80, founder of a widowed
persons group, said, " I'm not in a hurry".
This image of Linda may have
stemmed from an encounter on the Neck
yesterday. I met a woman who worked
in one of the shops. It started out fun, bc
we were joking with my friend, John, 83,
married 55 years. She's a widow, about
my age. We sat on the back deck, looking
out at Motif #1, while she kept an eye out
for customers in store. So far so good.
Then, politics reared its' ugly head. We
were exact opposites at a very emotional
juncture, with the latest Afghanistan
horror ( My young friend, & the older
veterans I know, are very angry). After
the woman's rant, I slowly got up, said I
was walking down the Neck. I missed
Linda, bc we were on the same page
politically. When she was in pain, with a
walker, we voted together. I didn't tell
this woman that, bc I didn't see the point.
In a way, my conversations with women,
incl. the 50 something L. , who I've
mentioned, are all "practice". No woman
will replace Linda. I need affection and a
laugh , & someone to walk with me by
the ocean, but I have to listen to my gut
feelings. Thanks for listening, Dear Abby!
Lou

 

Carole,

I have no idea what I could have possibly said that would have made you think you upset me, nothing could be farther from the truth! I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry we had to "meet" under these circumstances.

I'm sorry you had a tough day yesterday. This emotional roller coaster ride of ups and downs, with way too many downs, not enough ups, and no way stop the ride, is both mentally and physically exhausting, total understatement!!

I hope today is a much better one for you, in spite of the weather.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Morning, Deb! I told Carole that I didn't
honk you were mad at her, but that we
get fatigued from grieving, at unexpected times. Last night, I crashed early after a
full day at Neck. You can read my
continuing drama in my last long email
to you, and to Carole. Correction: think,
not "honk"!! Lou

 

Lou,

I hate those emotional triggers. I hate that we have no control over them. I'm sorry about your encounter with that shop owner yesterday. It's a natural reaction when something is that emotionally upsetting, to want to reach out to your "person." Linda was your "person." Linda was, and will always be, your one true love. I'm so sorry this happened to you...

Although what I'm about to say might not help much, you got to experience life with your soulmate. Not everyone is lucky enough to find their "person," their one true love. As I said yesterday, If I could go back in time, and know now what I didn't know then, I still would have said "I do." I'm so grateful for the time we had together. I know you still would have said "I do" too. My husband will always have the biggest place in my heart. Linda will always have the biggest place in your heart.

I'm glad that you were able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to a friendly place for breakfast this morning. I know this would make Linda so happy... so proud of you.

I hope you enjoyed your breakfast, and your day is filled with many more happy moments than sad ones.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB, aka Dear Abby

 

Thanks, Deb. You're right about having
our soulmates in our lives. It made us the
kind, empathetic people we are today.
After chatting with local couple, &
after a while, talking about Linda (!),
I walked down Neck & had THREE fun
encounters with my pals: 1st, a local
rascal, Vietnam era veteran, blasted his
horn at me, from behind, making me
jump. He apologized to a female tourist.
After he drove by her, I leaned into the
passenger window & swore at him, with
a laugh. He laughed back, bc we see each
other every Friday night at the bar, 2nd,
a couple, in their vehicle, on their way to
church, and 3rd, my 83 year old friend,
married 55 years. Like me, he gave up
drinking and is a good role model. Liu

 

Correction: My name is Lou, not "Liu"!!

 

More observations on the Neck. On & off
light rain. Grouchy couples. I smiled at
the memory of Linda saying people like that were "constipated". I also noticed
an attractive young couple, who moved
among the "peasants" as if they stepped
off a Hollywood movie set. Linda would've
said they were "posing for animal
crackers"! I miss her funny phrases &
quote them to other people, to make them
laugh. Lou

 

Lou,

Thank you! Once again, you got me to smile! I'm happy to hear you're enjoying another fun filled day!
Hope tonight is a good one too!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. Two smiles in one day! Thank you for sharing! I wish I could have met Linda.

 

Hi DEB, The last 2 days have been especially hard. I get up, feeling good, then it is like a switch is thrown, and I shatter. I'm sorry, can't talk right now. Be back when I calm down. Take care, sending a hug. Carole

 

Carole, as you can see by my LONG replies
to Deb, I've been having exhausting ups &
downs: happy to be with people one minute,
want to be alone, in the quiet of my apartment
the next minute. It's no accident that I chose
Van Gogh as my user name. I sat on the
busy promenade, with shops & art galleries.
It was gray, raining off & on. I decided to
treat myself to a chocolate ice cream soda,
and just do people watching. I'm going to
break up the day by going to our small
town movie theater. Linda & I stopped going
to the multiplexes long ago, bc of the
obnoxious, loud, noisily eating crowds. But,
this is an old time theater which shows old
movies or foreign films. Today, it's The
Swimmer (1968), with Burt Lancaster. I saw
it a long time ago, but just recall 2 scenes.
Did you ever see it? Lou

 

Carole,

As I've said so many times, I feel like I'm on an endless roller coaster with too many ups, not enough downs, and no way to stop the ride. Triggers are everywhere. There's no way to predict when a trigger will have me reaching for the nearest box of tissues. Tonight I went into the garage, and saw the wooden sign my husband and I had made, many years ago, for the small company we used to own. I thought about the day he proudly brought it home to show me. The sign is hanging in the garage, I see it daily, but tonight, for the first time, it made me cry. So many memories flooded my mind... I couldn't stop the tears.... Now, I'm emotionally and physically drained... I feel totally wrung out. (I'm still reaching for the tissues as I'm "talking" to you.)

I wish I could say something to help make you feel better, but all I can do, is to let you know, I understand the total heartbreak you're going through, and how unpredictable, and miserable, this grieving process is.

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, that's a wonderful thing to say, that
you wish you could have met Linda. I wish
she could have met you. The highest
compliment I can give you, is that she
would have loved you. Linda loved people
who were kind. As I told Carole, I went
to our small town theater at 4:30, to see
"The Swimmer" , with Burt Lancaster
( 1968). It's based on a short story by
John Cheever, who explored the underbelly of suburban life. I recalled
seeing it back then, but just remembered
2 scenes. Lancaster did a powerful
performance. I knew it would be sad, but
I didn't expect to cry all through it. I know
that when I was in my 20s, I saw a lot of
movies, but didn't cry. But, now, I feel my
mortality, especially with Linda gone. As
Sinatra sang in " It was a very good year",
I'm in the "autumn of my years". When
the lights went on at the end of the movie,
I walked over to the owner, & called him
by his 1st name. I told him that Linda,
class of '68, in the local high school, & I
met him back in '96, when we rented a house here, while she took care of her
( ungrateful ) parents. He didn't know her
bc he was in the class of '65. I told him
Linda had died. Then I praised the
renovation of the theater. When I came
home, I was melancholy, bc of not
having Linda with me, & being able to tell
her I saw the theater owner, a real
character, after all these years. Also. the
fact that it's Labor Day tomorrow, the
unofficial end of summer. I have to give
myself a pep talk that Sept & Oct can be
sunny & beautiful, too. Hope you're OK.
You bring so much to the forum when
you help others like me. Thank you. Lou

 

Deb, our emails just crossed. So sorry
about your roller coaster of triggers and
tears. The unofficial end of summer
tomorrow, Labor Day, is making me
melancholy. I just sent you an email
about a very sad movie I saw in my
small town theater. I haven't been in a
movie theater in years, as I told Carole.
Hope you're OK, Deb. Would love
to hear from you soon. Lou

 

Hi Lou, I haven't seen the movie, I think Ron saw it, saved it, put it away on one of the flash drives I can't locate. Singing In The Rain is on TCM right now, listening to it while in computer room. Watched The Women, a 1939 film, earlier, all women, no men, loved it. A young Joan Crawford was in it, she sure looked different back in 1939. Took a journey with Adele songs. Ron use to laugh at me, I would have my headphones on cranked up, singing away, he would come to the doorway ask if I was trying to run the neighbors off. I can't carry a tune...at all, but I sure had fun. I love music, some songs sooth my mind, some make me cry, some I bounce around in my computer chair, living in the moment. Ron and I quit going to the movies probably 20-25 years ago. Once he found he could save any movie he wanted to the computer, then when flash drives came about, he went bonkers saving movies. I use to go in his computer room, with fresh popcorn,pull up a chair, and watch a movie or two with him, I remember those nights so well.
I had a chocolate milk shake earlier, I was just craving one for some reason. Ron liked ice cream, cookies, pie, I am not a big sweet person, give me noodles, ravioli, pizza, and I am a happy camper. Every winter I made meatloaf about every 3-4 weeks, or chili, Ron like both. It will be strange not doing it this winter coming up. I will make myself a small meat loaf on his birthday in Oct.( I always made him one,) to celebrate what would have been his 81st.
I have rambled enough. I need to answer DEB before closing up the house and getting ready to relax before going to sleep. Take care, keep good thoughts about Linda, will talk again soon. Carole

 

Hi DEB, Just answered Lou, rambled on like always From your last message, it wasn't you that said anything , it was me, I thought maybe I had been insensitive when you said you couldn't eat your husbands favorite foods, and I made the remark, I would starve if I couldn't eat Ron's favorite, because he like everything. I thought it might have hurt your feelings. I am so sensitive anymore, triggers around every corner don't help matters. A movie on TCM, a chocolate shake, Adele songs later in the day, I feel better. Won't be long, I will lock up the house, pull he blinds, slouch in my chair, watch some TV before bed. Take care, good thoughts, hugs, talk again soon. Carole

 

Carole, thank you so much for answering
me tonight. You and Deb have become my
close friends in grief for our spouses. In
addition to sharing our heartache and
very real roller coasters of energy and
fatigue, we have a common cultural
history, in music, TV, and movies. As I told
Deb, "The Swimmer" was more depressing
than I remembered. Of course, I saw it in
my 20s, & didn't cry, like I do now. The
abrupt change in temp. was a trigger for
me today. After warm sunny days, it was
a rude awakening. today, with rain, gray
skies, and cold winds. I know we can still
have sunny, pleasant Sept & Oct days, but
this was hard for me. I'm eating out a lot
bc of the warm summer evenings, and
seeing friends, bc I know that in winter,
I'll be baking chicken for myself. Wish I
could come over for that meatloaf. Linda
made it for me, but I don't want to do it for just myself. I make really simple things,
and eat plenty of fruits & veggies. I also
found out I'm anemic, so I take a multi-
vitamin. I've been going to bed earlier,
& wake up early for an outdoor
breakfast place, with friendly locals &
tourists. Have a good night, Carole. Lou

 

Lou,

I don't know how you did it, I'm just so sad tonight, but you got me to smile again! While I'm still trying to figure out my purpose, how I fit into this world, since my husband passed away, I feel this need to want to try to help others in any way I possibly can, who are in the same situation we're in. I've always wanted to train a dog to be a therapy dog, but I'm not sure I'll ever have this opportunity. There are so many unwanted and abused dogs in our country, that I've always adopted "fur babies" from shelters, or taken in strays that my children brought home. I'm not sure the next "fur baby" I end up with will have the right "personality" to do this. Wait, I'm getting way off track here. What I want to say is that it makes me so happy to know that in some small way, I'm helping you get through this. Thank you for that heart warming compliment. I feel like I'm getting to "know" Linda a little better every time you share a story about her. I know I would have loved her too.

I'm over the top exhausted both mentally and physically from crying so much tonight, so I'm not going to write much more. But, before I end this, even though I love summers in New England, swimming, boating, walking along the shore etc.,... the fall is my very favorite season in New England. I met my husband in the fall, we went on our first weekend getaway in the fall. We had so much fun celebrating the holidays... Halloween (I don't know who loved this holiday more, my husband or my kids), Thanksgiving, and Christmas. So many family traditions... so many wonderful memories... Sadly, I'm dreading the official end of summer too. I know I'll make it through the holidays, but I know it's going to be one of the biggest challenges, up to this moment, that I have to face. We will make it through the winter together, and with the help of everyone here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB