Loss after three decade relationship.

I am sorry for your loss.
While I was reading this, I saw some things that are similar to my experience.
My wife enjoyed storms. We would go out on the back porch and watch until it got too close to be outside. She enjoyed storms at the beach also.
I get the movie thing. Which one to pick, the love filled debates on what to watch.
I also don't sleep well at night.
And my wife passed on June 26th,2021. I was with her when she passed. I cried like never before. After a three month battle with a disease (not Covid related) she passed away in intensive care at the hospital.

May you find peace through the process of grieving.

 

Hi.
It is hard to not be able to talk to the love of one's life. I miss it also.
I have friends who check on me also. But they do admit they don't know what it is like.
It is understandable that those around us don't know what it is like.

Enjoy your retreat. May you find peace through this time.

 

Thank you for your welcome, Lou. I am unfamiliar with threads and will try to get the hang of it. I posted as logcabinwoman because that's what I live in--a log house that my husband built himself using the pioneer method of an axe and a draw knife back when he was a long-haired "back-to-the-land" pilgrim. I am Dena and my mate was/is Chip. I feel he is with me in spirit--maybe that's why I want everyone to go away---so it's just me and him again. My insomnia has been getting considerably worse the past week, so I just took half an ativan and I'm going to try to sleep now. Hopefully I won't be looking at pre-dawn light when that happens. Thanks again.

 

Thank you, oneman. So much shared--so much lost. We enjoyed so many similar interests together. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, as everyone says you should do. Because when I think of all the days ahead without my best friend to share them with me I panic and can't move. As you say, our friends love us, but they can't comprehend.

 

Dear Dena, I happened to wake up in the
middle of night, and saw your email.
Thank you for saying your name, and
your soulmate's. Chip. He sounds like
quite a guy, a handyman and fun to be
around. You said a profound thing, that he
is with you in spirit. I feel the same way
about Linda. You are incredibly brave, and
Chip would be proud of you. You seem to
be grieving alone, whereas I needed
help and people with whom to talk. Even
that wasn't enough, and I decided to join
Grief in Common. You are already doing
better , with "threads" , than I did. Linda
was much more technologically savvy
than I am, on the Internet. It took me a
while to get started, and I almost quit,
because I was depressed and frustrated,
even angry. I reached out to the founder
of this site, Karyn Arnold, by email, and
she emailed back, immediately, to get me
on track. I couldn't sleep at all, right
after Linda's sudden death. Now, with
help from therapist/grief counselor,
and occasional Melatonin, I'm able to sleep
again.I wake up the same time every
morning. You and I are about the same age, but live in different parts of the U.S.
I live on the coast of Massachusetts . I love
my solitary walks by the ocean. Lou

 

Carole, just woke up this morning, and
reread my long, horrific account of
witnessing my wife, Linda , right before
her death. I cried, reading my own words
about that horrible day, which changed
my life forever. I made a mistake: it has
been TWO years and 9 months since
Linda's death. Hope you see this email,
Carole, as well as that of another new
widow, with whom I "talked". Her
user name is Logcabinwoman (Dena).
Hope you can get on our "thread" and
"talk" with us. Lou

 

Thank you for your reply, Van Gogh. I hope you are doing better with your grief. I stayed in the home Ron and I lived in(it is my childhood home, left to me after my parents died). I had to see Ron, after his stroke and brain bleed, we never got to speak to one another again. He wasn't in a coma, just couldn't communicate verbally. Everyday I combed his hair, put lotion on his dry skin, talked to him, held his hand, read articles I thought he would be interested in, from the newspaper. He was expressive with his eyes and eyebrows, and sometimes I would catch a small smile. I think he knew how ill he was, I would see tears, and a sadness in his face. After he was moved to the nursing home, I took pictures to show him, he lit up when he saw pictures of his parents, brother, our wedding photo. I honestly thought he would be coming home at some point. I knew it would probably be in a wheelchair, or even a hospital bed, I didn't care. Nurses, his Dr"s., social worker, all gave me hope. I did bring him home, not the way I planned.
Do you have days that are stuck in your mind, that trigger your grieving process? Mine are Friday(the day of his heart attack) Saturday(the day he passed away). Do you have other triggers? Right now I have so many, a song we liked, a commercial we laughed over, a thunder storm(we would set out on the front porch(it is covered) with coffee and watch Mother Nature do her thing), taking the trash to the curb, going somewhere in the car and he is not in it, walking into his computer room, not finding him in his chair.
I don't mean to go on and on, not having anyone to talk to, besides the cat and myself, typing these things does help.
Carole P.S. I will answer DEB also. Will try not to type so much.

 

Thank you for your kind words. The grieving process seems to get worse as time goes by. Ron and I did enjoy watching the storms, our neighbors probably thought we were crazy, we didn't care. Movies(he was an old movie buff, 1930's to 1960's), so now I watch Turner Classic Movies). He also liked science fiction, some mystery, comedy.
I sleep a little better at night, since I got the security, and back porch light fixed. For awhile sleep only happened in the daytime, for some reason I developed a fear of someone breaking into the house. I still sleep with a butcher knife, the nice big Trac flashlight Ron bought me, my phone, car keys, and purse next to me, just in case.
I am so sorry for your loss, weird your wife passed away on the same day as Ron. it has been 9 weeks and 5 days for both of us. I do hope you start getting better. Carole

 

Hi Everyone,

Just a very quick message to let you know I'm thinking about all of you this morning.
I'm getting a late start today. I want to get a walk in before it gets too hot.
I'll be back later to catch up...
As always, sending hugs, wishing all of us peace. DEB

 

Dear Carole, I just woke up and saw your
reply to oneman ( Jim) and to me, "Van
Gogh" ( Lou). Please call me Lou. Your
story about Ron brought tears to my eyes,
especially when you said you "honestly
thought he would be coming home". I felt
the same way about Linda. I believed her
when she told her favorite nurse, about
her age of 68, that she would " fight" her
cancer. After Linda died suddenly, in
front of me, without warning, I had PTSD,
and needed to see a grief counselor. I couldn't listen to ANY song without
weeping. It could be a slow, sad ballad,
like Sinatra's CYCLES, or even a song about
the living hell of San Quentin, by Johnny
Cash. Don't be afraid of "going on and on".
I do the same, and find it healthy, like
crying to "let it out". This forum has been
wonderful for me, and it is an honor to
know you. Lou

 

Deb, After your walk, I look forward to
hearing from you. My sleep has been
disrupted lately bc of the heat & humidity.
Sometimes, I collapse into a nap, and end up
going to bed later at night. I got a late start,
but didn't care, bc we had a steady rain, a
remnant of Hurricane Ida. I never complain
about the summer weather, bc summer here
is such a short season, and I'll miss my
friends, who are shop owners on the
promenade, when they close for the winter.
I introduced myself to 2 new widows here,
Carole and Dena ( Logcabinwoman). I see
that you reached out to them last night, but
were too tired to write longer. I know the
feeling. I need more coffee this rainy morning,
to put sentences together. Lou

 

Hi Lou, Thanks for your reply. Frustrated today, was going to the store, car won't start, grrr. It is wonderful knowing all of you I have been communicating with, knowing none of us are alone on our journey of trying to cope. Sitting here now with tears running down my cheeks, wondering what will go wrong next The song that gets to me most is the Willie Nelson song "You Were Always on My Mind". Playing the waiting game for AAA to show up, glad I joined a month ago. I will go for now, will check in with everyone later. Carole

 

Carole,

I'm glad that you found us, but sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. At first, I didn't think an online support group could help me. I'm not comfortable sharing personal information online. I decided to join this group because I needed more than anything, to be able to connect with others who truly understand the total heartbreak of losing a spouse. I was not only alone, but more lonely than I'm able to express in words. When I could no longer stand the loneliness, and needed more than anything else to connect with people who truly "get it," I decided to be brave, figuring I had nothing to lose. I'm so glad I made this decision! Joining this group has been one of the best things I've done to try to take care of myself, since my husband passed away. This site has become my "safe place," the place I come to for support, advice, and comfort. I hope you will feel the same way as I do every time you visit us here. I'm looking forward to getting to "know" you better.

Backing up a bit, I love the way you chose to honor your husband's memory. It made me cry when I read how you celebrated what would have been your 39th wedding anniversary. I'm currently reading a book recommended to me by Lou, "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. It's an excellent book, I won't go into details now, but by celebrating what would have been your 39th wedding anniversary, I think you've taken a huge step in your healing process. My husband died April 11th, 2021, and I can't imagine being able to celebrate what would have been my wedding anniversary this fall. I'm dreading this holiday season, and at this moment, I can't imagine being able to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I can't imagine being strong enough to put up a tree this year. I think you're much stronger than you think you are.

My life is full of triggers. I went to the grocery store recently, saw a Halloween display, and burst into tears. I had to leave before I even made it past the entrance. I can't listen to music that we enjoyed together, go to the ocean, my favorite place in the entire world, eat my husband's favorite foods, etc... Just cutting up a watermelon had me in tears, it was one of my husband's favorite fruits. Yesterday, while I was driving, there was a midnight blue car in front of me. I burst into tears. Midnight blue was my husband's favorite car color. I could go on and on and on, the triggers are endless.

Memories constantly pop in and out of my mind, it doesn't matter if they're good or bad, all of them have me in tears... As I've said frequently here, I wish I had an "off switch" for my brain. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, totally drained... I want a break from all this pain... Grieving is such hard work, total understatement!!

Stopping here for now.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Carole, I must still be a sentimental,
emotional mess, bc I cried when you
mentioned the Willie Nelson song.
Linda & I had one of his CDs, and I always
choked up hearing "Over the Rainbow".
After Linda died, I cried when I saw a very
young Judy Garland sing it. I was on the
phone just now, making sure that my
health insurance covered my grief
counseling/ mental health therapy. Thank
God I got to talk with a kind woman, and
not a computerized voice. I started to cry,
and she comforted me by saying her
mother just died. I said, "Grief is grief,
whether loss of spouse, a parent, or a child. When Linda & I watched sad
movies together, I was the one who teared
up the most. She used to tease me, by
saying, "You hardheaded thing", and we
would both laugh. L

 

Lou,

I wanted to get back to you sooner, but, I when I got back from my walk, I ended up talking to a friend from "home," for a long time. Then I "talked" to Carole. Now I have a bunch of things I have to do, none of them fun. I would rather "talk" to you and everyone here.

I understand that "needing coffee" feeling. There are days when I feel like I need it injected "IV style." I hope by now, you've been able to enjoy lots of caffeine, and are feeling much more awake.

Sorry about the rain... I wish I could send you a box filled with sunshine. It's a beautiful sunny day here, just way too hot.

I hope you your day is filled with lots more happy moments than sad ones...

Have to go...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB

 

Deb, I wept all the way through your
comforting words to Carole. As you can
see from my long replies to both Carole
and a new member, Dena, whose user
name is Logcabinwoman, I'm easily
triggered into tears. When I got to the part
where you mentioned my name & my
recommendation of the Tom Zuba book,
I was both flattered and honored, and,
of course, cried again. Lou

 

Thanks. Deb. The sun is coming out now,
a little cooler & windier. As I've said many
times, I never complain about the summer
weather, bc our season is so short. Some of
the boaters here are frustrated & think of
moving down south to South Carolina,
or Florida, but they never do. Some will
get a condo in Florida, to break up the
cold winter. I'm grateful that Linda & I
were able to travel around the country,
but wanted to retire in Massachusetts,
on the coast, where we both grew up.
Hope you get your errands done soon, so
you can get back here on the forum. You
have become a community leader, in your
outreach to people like me, while you are
undergoing your own intense grief. Lou