Loss after Caregiver of parent

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Debbie Parish, Aug 29, 2018.

  1. Debbie Parish

    Debbie Parish New Member

    Three years ago. I lost my job. My Mom was getting worse for dementia. She asked me to keep her at home. I have 4 sisters. I had to fight two of them because they wanted me to put her in a nursing home. I fought them. I refused. I kept her at home. I had a lady stay with us 3o hours a week. It was very hard but it was worth it all. When she died, I had to fight the two sisters to be able to keep the family home. Then I had to work 12 to 14 hours a day to be able to live. Then, my Granddaughter decided to go live with her dad. That broke my heart because my daughter did not try to fight for her. Then I have lost my daughter. She has decided I am no longer her Mother. I do not know what I did for her to be so mean to me. Then, I had to go to Live in another state and help take care of my Aunt, so I would be able to pay my bills. Of course reminds me of having to take care of my mom. I have no strength and feel like I am not close to God. I have no strength to read or pray.
    The BEAST and Boze like this.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    That is a lot to endure - especially for one person. I have no words of wisdom for you, but I hope you find this site helpful - if for no other reason than to vent.
    Tammlamm likes this.
  3. Debbie Parish

    Debbie Parish New Member

    Yes it has been alot to endure
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Debbie, I'm sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds like you have experienced quite a bit of loss, and different types of loss at that. It's unfortunate how often I hear of trouble within families either leading up to or immediately following the loss of a loved one. It's so hard to say why it happens, but I think in many ways each individual family member is suffering and it's just so much and so big that they don't know how to be looking out for each other. It's truly sad because of course these are the times when we would hope we could count on our family the most. If you are referring to God and not feeling close to Him, than it suggests to me that you did at one time feel supported by your faith. I suppose in many ways, this is not unlike other parts of life that grievers find themselves moving away from at times of great loss. We find comfort in many places, but when we are truly suffering there may be times that whatever that comfort is no longer feels like enough. It's actually a very "normal" and common part of the grieving process but with patience, and some hope, I think you may find some of your beliefs returning to you. In the meanwhile I hope you can find comfort or support from other people or other places. I'm glad that you are here and hope we can be a forum where help is available to you as you need it. Please take care and let us know if there's anything you need. We are here to help~
    Struggling Lady and Toni Lynn like this.
  5. Matti

    Matti New Member

    Debbie, I can relate to your loss and experience very much. My dad passed away 3 years ago this month. My mom was still with us. After my dad passed, my family fell apart. That is, myself, and my 3 siblings and mom. February of 2017 my mom moved in with me. I always was the one closest to mom. April of this year she started going down hill fast. I wouldn’t even consider her not staying home with me. During the last year or so, my siblings, basically, just cut off most contact with mom and I. I had no help or emotional support from any of my siblings. And, like you, my mom or myself, couldn’t figure out what happened. Mom passed Sept. 24th and I am having a very tough time dealing with it. My mom was literally my best friend. Not only do I not have mom now, I have no family connections. It’s only been a month, but, most days I can’t find the strength to go on.
    Toni Lynn and Boze like this.
  6. Debbie Parish

    Debbie Parish New Member

    Matti, I feel your pain and sorrow. You will make it one moment at a time. Get yourself in with a Good Church. Find you some prayer partners that you can call and talk to. You do not have to tell them everything unless you choose too. I can not tell you if your Family will come around. Now is the time to take care of you. Sometime you just have to forgive and let go. That does not mean it will be easy. The hurt is deep and you may have to continue to forgive. You must do this for you. The Bible tells us we have to forgive 70 x 7. Which means the hurt will come up at times and you will have to forgive again. Jesus LOVES YOU AND I DO TOO.
  7. Debbie Parish

    Debbie Parish New Member

    Thank you so much. Grief is just that. You will have good days and bad. Yes my fairh is as strong as always. Just when grief hits it is hard.
    Boze likes this.
  8. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Okay, I read that some people here don’t really think Kubler/Ross knew everything. But, I do believe that some anger about death is natural. It isn’t customary in America to get upset at funerals. It’s thought of as a very sensitive time. I don’t know how you have learned or if you have learned to deal with anger. But, it sounds like you have been abused by women family members. I think people respect us if we don’t let them walk on us. In earlier times these people would have been thought of as “odd.” In our family it is thought of as smart, and kind for a family member to care for a parent. Modern life isn’t kind to families is what I feel. Hope you heal.
    Toni Lynn and Theresevaughn like this.
  9. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Hope your sisters come to value you love, and kindness. I’m kinda miffed at them for making it so difficult for you.
  10. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Gosh that is tough. I wonder if it is about worldly goods, and not your mom’s welfare? I had a similar problem.
    Toni Lynn likes this.
  11. Ricardo

    Ricardo New Member

    I know exactly how you feel .lost My mum in July this year to vascular dementia and sepsis .she was happy and having her dinner in the garden with me and my wife on Sunday 8th July. On Tuesday 10th my mum passed away .as for the hospitals they were a disgrace .all I got was written apologies from them .and the hospital did not let me stay with my mum that night in hospital because they said mum was stable .an hour after my mum passed away peacefully the hospital decided to phone me about my mum's passing .hospital said there was an emergency and that's why they couldn't phone me straight away .I think about my mum always and miss her .I gave up work to look after my mum .I miss our routines everyday .I promised my mum in the chapel of rest I will be strong and make my mum proud .But it is so hard .and first Xmas without my mum is heart breaking
  12. Theresevaughn

    Theresevaughn Member

    Wow, our experiences are so similar:
    Closest of 4 grown kids, I had mom move in after her stroke. It was hard painful work but ended too soon. She died a few months later through hospice at home. I miss her so so much, my whole body and spirit feel like an open wound. Everything hurts and this world is pure salt. Blessedly, my daughter and I are also close but she’s off to college soon and life ahead is a place without hope. I can’t believe how hard this is!!!

    Toni Lynn likes this.
  13. Ricardo

    Ricardo New Member

    My dad passed away when I was 21 years old was heart breaking .but losing My mum this year is the worst pain I've ever felt .my wife has been a rock for me bless her and I forget sometimes she is feeling pain also .as she was very close to my mum .I even sleep in my mums bed some nights to feel close to her again .but when I awake that feeling in my gut starts again anxiety etc .I feel selfish sometimes ,as I know mum is at peace in heaven and would hate seeing me this way .but I will get there I have too .not long after my mum passed away .got news my son is going to be a dad for the first time .and me a grandad .its sad my mum won't be here to see her great grandaughter .that hurts .but I know mum will be smiling .as for people saying time heals I haven't felt like it has .I'm a tough character .but the grief of losing my mum has weakened me
  14. LaurieZ

    LaurieZ New Member

    Hi...I'm new here and I have been having a difficult time. I am the oldest of 4. My mom passed away almost 16 years ago and I cared for her after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. 6 months later she was gone and my life has never been the same. My dads health declined from one problem to the next and he passed away on March 22. I lived with and cared for him for 16 years in the house that I grew up in. My sisters have not helped me with my dads care and my youngest sister and I are coexecutors. Not a good place to be. Too much friction. She has not helped with anything even after my dads passing. It's all on me and they are pressuring me to sell the house. They all have a place to go that they call home. I miss my dad and my mom too! My mom and I were very close and now my dad. All of those years. I didnt plan on moving back home. It just happened. I was laid off and then I had medical problems also. I really can't talk to my family because it always ends up in a heated argument. I feel like a little kid...maybe because my dad always made me feel like one. Not on purpose....just his way. The memories in this house are so much a part of me. My sisters dont feel comfortable here. They have been out of the house for 30 years. I just miss them so much. I didn't realize that as u was caring for him that I was receiving a sense of security at the same time. Now I'm lost and I feel so insecure and I dont like this at all and see no end in sight
  15. middlechild

    middlechild Member

    it's asking a lot for you to switch from caregiver into executor role. they are so different, and you have your grieving to do. i think even without all the emotion involved, it would be hard just because of them being such different kinds of thinking. you signed on to caretake, but you didn't sign on for this stuff.

    i wonder if a little legal advice would help you? i don't want to impose on your situation, but i'm just thinking that you need a place that is neutral and where it is all about you. and where you can learn a little bit about any options you have. i honestly think the hardest thing in my own recent story was this point last year where there were at least three or four agencies taking care of my dad's various needs but absolutely no single person or place where the client was me. you don't need to hire an actual lawyer and make a big fight out of it, but it sure sounds to me like you're dying for lack of a person whose client is you.

    please understand too that i'm NOT a lawyer. i'm also probably in a different country with different laws. but from what i've been researching so far in my own area, there are a couple of things:

    - executors can step down if it's too much for them. they can also be removed if the court finds it appropriate.
    - possibly in your situation there should have been some kind of provision that allowed you to stay in the house for a defined grace period, in recognition of your caregiver role and the fact that you don't have an alternative yet.
  16. JackieR

    JackieR Member

  17. The BEAST

    The BEAST New Member

    I commend you for fighting for your mom and her right to not be put in a Nursing Home. That right there is something I'm sure she appreciated, God bless you
  18. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    I keep reading that one child is the caregiver and the others offer little or no support. I have come to believe that in every family there is one major caregiver...and the others are relieved to turn that responsibility over. Some of us visit our sick relatives every day. Some come once a week or once a month. I never thought I would be the caregiver. It was just the circumstances that forced me to take that role ( which I thought was temporary) and I am so glad I did. I got more from my Mom during her last 10 years than I had ever gotten my entire childhood. She paid attention to me, caressed me, said lovely things to me and I did not feel the lesser child, as I was the only one there. At her funeral my siblings said "we were there every day for 10 years." Indeed I was. I guess I represented everyone. When I had to start caring for my husband, it was easier and I actually looked forward to seeing him in the nursing home daily. He gave me strength.