Losing myself to substance abuse

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Josh Stevens, Dec 31, 2017.

  1. Josh Stevens

    Josh Stevens New Member

    Its heartbreaking reading the stories of grieving parents. I am not a parent but I am a mother-less son who has not quite lost yet, though I don't know if I'm getting any better. I feel I have grown up missing some of the important lessons. I really want to beat this... I hope I can summon courage from some of you. I wish I could feel the love that I am so missing in my life, to which I have spun into the dark unforgiving world of substance abuse. I never wanted to be this way. I am so overwhelmed trying to keep my life together. Goals seem like unclimbable mountains. Maybe your children felt like this as well. Does anyone have any words of wisdom??
  2. CeeCee

    CeeCee New Member

    Dear Josh, I would like to communicate with you. I'll be as kind as I possibly be and still make my point. Youre going to lose your life if you continue the substance abuse. You can't win. Dont think you are different so it won't kill you. Because it will. This past week I suffered a loss to heroin. Someone I sacrificed everything to keep him clean. Even when your intentions are to get clean it might not be enough. Do it while you have an ounce of control left. He crossed a line and he died. Death is a reality Josh. I know that sounds dramatic. But, I'll say it again. Death is a reality and it can be inevitable.
  3. Josh Stevens

    Josh Stevens New Member

    Hi CeeCee and thank you for replying to my post! I'm so sorry to hear of your loss :( Although I'm not dead yet I have had many days where I have not been living. You are absolutely right, having intentions to get clean isn't always enough. I always think I'm doing well and making progress until I have a relapse.. and then I'm like have I even been getting better this whole time or just getting worse?

    Yes, death is a reality. Also, the recovery rates for all of us is abysmal, the odds are not in our favor - thats also a reality. I can't even begin to put into words how depressing it is to try to overcome something with every best effort and determination only to succumb to self defeat.

    I'm still trying, I haven't given up yet. I would very much like to have a meaningful life that I can truly enjoy and feel fulfilled with. But you know what, sometimes I think to myself how many more years of lifes bullshit am I going to have to continue to endure? Not everyone gets dealt a hand that they can win.
  4. Debs

    Debs Member

    My love passed away in Feb. He used for years and had multiple strokes that he had to suffer through. He was using before I met him but by the time I realized I was too involved and in love with him. I tried to walk away but I understood his pain. He suffered the loss of his Dad at age 11 and never worked through it. I helped him as much as I could and he hated his addiction and hated himself more for not being able to beat it. The last year if his life he was clean and although that was due to his inability to get drugs he was proud of himself. Addiction is a disease. Like cancer. And society doesn't condemn the disease of cancer and should treat addiction the same. At least that's how I feel. People who self medicate are in pain. Take one day, one moment at a time. And realize that because you use, doesn't make you a bad person. Seek help or some ody fo talk to any way you can. Never give up on yourself. We all have our own personal battles.
    griefic likes this.
  5. Mitch

    Mitch New Member

    I lost my love two days ago to drugs. He was born addicted, lost both parents to drugs and now at 22 he's gone. He was so adamant against them - I'm so confused and hurt. I was there with him at the end and yet his blood family hasn't sent me funeral plans. It's OK - I was there when he needed me. My love couldn't stop him, save him and now my light and joy has gone somewhere that can help him. I miss you honey - and still belong to you.
    Don't let this be your legacy Josh, or anyone reading this. Your life matters to others and most of all to yourself. Your failures hurt those around your death would be devastating and so unnecessary. As my Andrew always said; you show me there's more to life than pain and misery.
    griefic likes this.
  6. Robert's Mom

    Robert's Mom Member

    I buried my son 2 years ago, heroin addict he and his brother also an addict in remission, ran out of there meds and instead of, while living in a large city, many hospitals and clinics, chose to go to their local dealer. TheybretThey home and went into separate rooms. The surviving brother used enough to take the edge off, the other the same dose as when he stopped using. He wasut on life support. Hey guess what? I'm such a shitty asshole piece of shit excuse for a mother I didn't even know that they were addicts until he was dead. I had to petition the court to let me kill my son. I couldn't even be in the room with my children when they unplugged him. Every day all I see is him laying there. My heart is crushed beyond repair. I am pounding alcohol every night and totally messing up my current relationship.
  7. Debs

    Debs Member

    Dear Robert's Mom - please dont think you are a horrible mom for not knowing. Addicts are very good at hiding their addiction. They need to protect their secret to keep it going. You have admitted here that you feel lost and that tells me you know you could probably use some help. Do you have anybody close to you that you could talk to that may be able to really listen and support you? Self-medicating is so easy to do during a time like this. Don't be ashamed. You are in pain and it is understandable. Sending hugs... DebS
  8. Robert's Mom

    Robert's Mom Member

    No, I live with my boyfriend who is very supportive but I hate putting all of this on him 24\7. I hate being in a Dr Office and feeling like I'm a test subject or the insecurities of thinking he's going to be at a cocktail party and be discussing 'the case'
  9. Robert's Mom

    Robert's Mom Member

    The love between a parent and child is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I have buried a brother, a child and a husband and the anger angst and devastation and pure sadness in our children's eyes was immensely heartbreaking. There is literally nothing you can do or say to take away their pain and it crushes you. The only times I ever saw my father cry were when his Father died, when he 'walked me down the aisle, when my son died and when my brother died, suicide, my father was just mean and outwardly hateful to everyone. Heartbreaking to see your strong invincible protector of all, Father crumble.