Hey Lou! Great to hear from you! Did the Shack permanently close? If so that Sucks a lot but I like your attitude of new adventures! I know I'm in bad shape cuz my 4 hour torture session in the stiff chair is what I'm "looking forward" to! Seriously I am real good mood wise today but am so F< Bored. I'd go out but it's so arcktick cold today. Did some artwork today and yesterday at least. I like it. I'm still bored though... Bored is different from sulking from MG F> Grief Today!
I know Lou, you want to protect Linda from all that. I get it. I think she was with you. Helping you be strong. I’m glad you had a nice compassionate doctor. Robin
Hey The Deb! I wish it wasn't so cold here. I am actually more bored than grieving. The New Me doesn't like the Old Me stuff as much. I just don't know what the New Me likes or wants! This is different from my usual Grief-Based self-Pity sulks. I don't hate anything today. Just Bored with it. I did do some abstract pastels. First in two years really. They look cool. Valerie said I am a Genius at art even though she didn't like it much or encourage me with my artistic leanings, too impractical for her! . Oh the cognitive dissonance of Life. It's too weird! I need something I just don't know what... besides my Life back... Stay warm and Cozy! BigA Hugz!
Dang it! I wish I could find my way out of this (explicative) amusement park! I want to be the first to confess my anxieties and depression. I should have known how the extreme cold weather affects my mood. Unfortunately I decided to do nothing to help myself yesterday. But today I will. George thanks for mentioning your pascal painting art work. I remembered how art stimulates the creative part of the brain. You have motivated me to start making walking sticks and canes out of saplings and antlers. Deb and Robin thanks for mentioning making lists and scratching accomplishments off. Lou I hope you are feeling better older brother. Chad I’m glad you’re on day shift too. I only had a few night shift jobs but it cuts us off from everyone else. I hated it. It’s so easy to do nothing now. I’m going to lean outward a little more so I can stumble forward. And keep stumbling. Does anyone else’s checkbook look like a second grade arithmetic problem? I’m reminding myself to be patient with me. Lets make the best out of a bad situation. That’s what warriors do. TGW do too. Gary
Gary, good to hear from you. I wish I could say get creative and start working on something like you plan to start doing today and George did with his pastel art. I recall being anxious to retire so I do all the creative things I wished I had time for while working. I was forced to retire but I can’t get myself to get past this road block 3 years later. Guilt maybe, I don’t know. Christmas 2020 !I was able to paint ornaments for my kids and son in law. But then I stopped. I have to hand it to you both for being able to get those juices flowing. My daughter bought a kit to crochet a lamb, she can’t make it though. I went and got it out to work on it yesterday. That’s as far as I got. I’ll try again today. I can sew pretty much anything but I find it too emotional. You guys are helping me try harder. Lists are so important in my life. It lets my mind not have to keep thinking I need to do this. It’s written plus things I know I’ll do so I can cross things off. And yes, my checkbook was looking like a mess. But the USPS was doing such a poor job of getting things where they’re going I was getting late fees even though I mailed on time. So I’m paying my bills electronically. No more late fees. Gary I like the positive attitude you have going today. We do need to be good to ourselves patient with ourselves and remember we’re important too. Robin
Yes indeed the first art work I've done since Valerie died. Today got off in a Bad Way. Started car and horrific buzzing. Seem some A-Hole jacked my catalytic Converter. The Police say that it's a big thing lately. At least it wasn't the extreme cold. I thought the cold messed up the engine. Always something going on in Real Life and it often sucks. Depressed and upset and then that biggest A-Hole MG sneaks in. At least I can talk to the GIC crew. Take care!
I forced myself to do art but today I feel so bad again. Just like you when I went on disability I thought I'd be creative and I was until Valerie died and now I don't want to do ANYTHING unless I force myself to and I'm so sick of constantly having to do that but I know I have to. And then my car issues today and this extreme cold. Totally lost and desolate and pissed today! At least you can do the real and icky things like bill paying. I can barely look at mail or Email. I dread the mail so much. Just like Email. Only thing I like to check is GIC.
Sorry to hear that George. That’s a dirty dog who would do that. I hear catalytic converter thefts on the police scanner all the time. Local government should address this and fine these thieves $10,000 and ten years in prison for that. I did google it and it won’t hurt the engine to drive it but I’d be worried about the emissions. After my previous post I tried some meditation in a chair catching sun light and fell asleep 2 hours. Then a friend called and I talked over an hour and then I got hungry. so all I got accomplished was taking a sapling to the basement. I don’t feel anxious about it now though. Robin I put everything on auto pay too. Gary
I had no idea what it was until the car place said someone stole your CC. It sounded so loud and horrible I thought something was wrong with the engine. At least you got a good peaceful sounding nap and talked to a friend. I have been in a mood most foul all day!
George I get it. 100% get it. But you and Gary inspired me and I forced myself and I’ve worked on making my daughter a lamb. There also was a time that I didn’t even check my mail. I just let it pile up out in my box. Everything coming was too depressing. I had my daughter get it and go through it. I didn’t answer my phone either. I am doing these things now. Remember, I’m 3 years in. Each year I feel different. And hate that people think I should be “ok” by now. So sorry about your car. Just what you needed to wake up to this morning. I worry something like that could happen to Rons truck. And now you have to lay your car up to get one installed. It wouldn’t pass inspection here in NY without it I’m guessing. I know not all states have inspections. Keep checking GIC. We’re all here for you. Robin
Good job Robin. I did 40 minutes on my exercise bike to unwind. I’m going to try a zoom meeting too. I’m not allowed in my own head without adult supervision. I love you George. Sending you hugs Bro. Gary
Hopefully it will pass the emissions test the car place said it was not applicable to that old of a vehicle and they seemed to know what they were talking about. This is a big problem around here I found out. Good job with the lamb! I feel a bit better getting my car back and fixed and running right again! Mail just freaks me out so much. I can only do so many heavy things at once. At least my son is good with it though. Have a goood night!
Gary Bro you the best! Thanks. I might be doing better... a continual rollerCoaster of + and - emotions lately. Thatz Grief fer you!
Thank you George, I’m not sure what today will bring but you guys got me moving. Just trying to wrap our heads around some of things that used to come easily and feel good about. Glad you have your car running right again. We each have things that just set us off. Mail is still tough for me sometimes. I’ll bring it in but then not look at it for days. Other times I’m fine though. The roller coaster you mention is going on too long. Let’s see what today brings. I do thank you and Gary for sharing things that you have done or striving to do. It did help me. Robin
Thank you Gary. I don’t know if I can continue but it’s a start. During the snow storm last week I made stew, another hurdle and last night I bought what I need to make chili this week. Things Ron loved, comfort feed in the winter. Good job on your exercise bike! Every thing is an accomplishment. Ron, Cheryl, Valerie, all our loved ones are proud of us and with us. as always, wishing each of us better days. They’re reachable. But it’s work. Robin
Lou, Want to check in on you. I hope you’re still on the path to feeling better. Not seeing you on here much has me concerned. We’re praying for you. ❤️ Robin
Lorry, So sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I've been MIA more than I've been "visiting" lately. Lonliness is one of the very worst feelings in the entire world... Sadly, loneliness is something all of TGW have in common. Right after Bob's death, I couldn't stand being in this house alone for a couple of reasons, one of them knowing I was alone..., lonely 24/7, which brought on an almost hollow feeling that came with Bob's physical absence. (The other reason is because of the traumatic and very painful circumstances surrounding the last 24 hours of Bob's life the. The last 24 hours of his life were the most horrible moments of my entire life and they began at the dinner table. Stopping here or else I'm going to get way off track!!!, TU!!!) I don't remember how long, but I know it was for at least two months after his death, I would return home from running errands, etc, and expect to see Bob sitting in his recliner. I could almost hear him saying, "Hi Deb, did you have a productive trip?," as I soon as I opened the front door. Occasionally, I still expect to see him sitting in his recliner when I open the front door. Mr. Grief always hits full force when this happens. I HATE!!! not being able to talk to Bob!!!, TU!!! I HATE!!! not being able to share all those "inside" jokes, the things that always made us laugh, all those remember whens that no one but Bob would ever understand, those you had to be there moments..., I HATE!!! being the sole keeper of all of our private moments, all of those beautiful memories where Bob and I are the only people in them... I HATE!!! not being able to talk to him while eating dinner, not being able to share all the good, bad, funny, annoying little things that made up my day/his day... Right up there with HATING!!! to be the sole keeper of all of our private moments, I HATE!!! not being able to discuss our future plans, talk about our soon to be adventures, vacations with friends, etc., etc., etc.,... Not being able to talk to Bob about all of these things, plus so many others, everything in life, magnifies how lonely I'm feeling... I'm so lonely...,, so lost..., without Bob. I've already gone through a bunch of tissues while "talking" to you. Having said all of this, I've gotten used to being lonely 24/7, but it SUCKS!!! It's taken me nine months to get this far. It hasn't gotten any easier, any better for me. I've just adjusted to the circumstances. I HATE!!! having to say this to you!!!, TU!!! I'm hoping and praying, not just for me, but for all of us, that this gets easier in time. Keeping busy, whenever possible, crossing things off of my to do list, is the best way for me to fight Mr. Grief, to keep Mr. Grief from attacking full force. One day, I hope and pray all of us will find the exit to Mr. Grief's amusement park. Mr. Grief will be there to unlock the gate, allowing us to escape to freedom. Maybe this is just a daydream, because I don't think there is any way to ditch Mr. Grief entirely, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, daydreaming can be a really good thing!!!, TU!!! As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB . At times, Bob's death still seems surreal to me. I'm missing him more and more every single day. He's been gone long enough!!! I can't wrap my mind over the fact that he is going to be gone for the rest of my life, that he is NEVER coming home... I'm not sure if and when I'll ever fully be able to process this. It SUCKS!!! OTOH, while I can't say it gets any easier, any better, after nine months, I've gotten used to feeling lonely 24/7. Altt
At times, Bob's death still seems surreal to me. I'm missing him more and more every single day. He's been gone long enough!!! I can't wrap my mind over the fact that he is going to be gone for the rest of my life, that he is NEVER coming home... I'm not sure if and when I'll ever fully be able to process this. It SUCKS!!! OTOH, while I can't say it gets any easier, any better, after nine months, I've gotten used to feeling lonely 24/7. Altt[/QUOTE] P.S. Lorry, I must have started responding to your message and never finished it. I don't even remember!!! I HATE!!! this foggy widow brain thing!!!, TU!!!
d P.S. Lorry, I must have started responding to your message and never finished it. I don't even remember!!! I HATE!!! this foggy widow brain thing!!!, TU!!![/QUOTE] P.S.S. I meant to say, I must have started responding to your message prior to today.
George, I think it's so cool!!!, TU!!!, that you did some abstract pastels for the first time in two years. This has me smiling big time on a way too gray, cold, miserable day (I know I have no right to complain about the weather, but it's still in the 30's... and all I want to do is stay wrapped up in my very favorite blanket, with my hands wrapped around a hot mug of tea. I'm from New England and I know this isn't that cold, but I've adjusted to the warmer climate, so it is COLD!!!)... Backing up a bit, if you have any way of sharing, I would love to see some of your artwork. I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I think drawing stick figures is challenging. I "get" the boredom thing. In between Mr. Grief's way too frequent visits, I sometimes get bored too. I HATE!!! that I'm leading such a boring life, but at the same time, I can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything. I used to love to read, but I'm still not able to retain anything except for books on grieving and mourning. I used to love to decorate, but have no desire to do this and seem to have lost my creativity. I used to love to write, but once again, my creativity has seemed to vanish. I used to love traveling, taking day trips, exploring new places..., etc., etc. etc. Traveling doesn't sound exciting anymore. It's over the top difficult to get excited about anything without Bob being here. I know that both Valerie and Bob would want us to get back into all those things we used to love doing. We have to keep trying. If we don't, we'll end up wasting the rest of our lives, and I'm guessing, when the end finally arrives, we would regret wasting so many precious moments... All we can do is to "keep on keeping," to quote Gary again. I'm so sorry to hear about your car... People can really SUCK!!!, TU!!! Stealing parts from cars is a big problem around here too. Keeping my fingers crossed that your car passes the emissions test... Speaking of car problems, I got a recall notice this week. There is a defective part that can cause my car to stall, potentially causing an accident. This could be a serious issue if driving on a highway, going 65 mph, and the car suddenly, without warning, stalls. The part needed to fix this won't be available until sometime in July. Of course the recall notice states that safety is a top priority. WTF???!!! I live in an area without public transportation with the exception of taxis and Uber. This is my only car and I don't have megabucks$$$ So... I'm going to have to use my car, and hope for the best, until the replacement part is available. Sometimes things just SUCK!!! Hope today is turning out to be a better one than you expected, with at least one reason to LMSO... As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
