Lonely

I lost my husband one year ago. I tried dating but feel more lonely. I miss the companionship. I have no one that cares like he did. LA

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Tomorrow marks the ninth month anniversary of my husband, Bob's death. I "get" how you're feeling. It SUCKS!!! Finding GIC was one of the best things I did after Bob died to help myself. This is a wonderful place to visit whenever you need a virtual hug, want to "talk," read about how others are coping during the darkest hours in their lives, or need some advice. No one will be offended if the advice you're given doesn't work for you. Take it or leave it. This is a judgement free place. We are here to support each other in any way we possibly can.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, so for now, I just want you to know how glad I am you found us, but so sorry you had to. I hope you will stick around, give us a chance to get to "know" you, and you a chance to get to "know" us.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Deb How long has your husband been gone? Do you date at all? What helps you? LA

 

I too lost my husband one year ago. I think Deb said it all and I hope you stay with us. Maybe one year is too soon to date, but I hear you about companionship, it's very lonely especially evenings. My first name is Karen and my husband's name is Jack. We were married 39 years and knew each other for three years before that. It's a lifetime for me and now I'm alone. This forum has helped me to share and listen to other stories. God bless, Karen

 

Thank you Karen. I work two jobs so that helps but I miss having someone to share little details with. How do you cope? Blessings' to you as well, LA

 

I wish I had a job, but I'm to old now. How do I cope? Well, my daughter lives across the street and if it wasn't for her I would be nuts. She keeps me going on weekends doing things.
I have a cat, actually it was Jack's cat named, Rambo. Rambo loved Jack, they were buddies. Now I'm Rambo's buddy and he gets me up in the morning. He also sleeps on top of the covers on Jack's side of the bed, so I don't feel so lonely.
There are days I don't feel good, crabby and sleepy. Those are Mr. Grief's days as we call him. I cry at every little thing. What the future will bring to all of us remains to be revealed. Thanks for asking, Blessings, Karen

 

Karen: I have Neil's two chocolate schnauzers Henry and Charlie that miss him terribly. They keep me company. How long has it been for you? Lorry

 

Jack died Nov 4th 2021, one year and 2 months now. Thank goodness for our pets. When Jack was home with hospice towards the end I put Rambo on his bed, he came up to Jack's face, sniffed him and ran away. He knew. He is very needy, follows me everywhere. He will be 16 in May and doing okay. I can't live without him now.
I keep busy with my house and 1 acre of weeds, ugh!, but it's the evenings. I usually go to bed at 7:30, read my book until I get sleepy.

 

I take care of 2 acres and yes I go to bed early too I pray alot as well. Thank you so much Karen for being there for me. Lorry

 

We all are here for you. I've been on this forum for 1 year, can't believe it. I think we're 3 hrs or 2 apart. It's now 5:30PM.

 

Lorry, very sorry hear about the death of
your husband, Neil. My wife died 3 years
ago, suddenly, in front of me, after 25 yrs
of marriage. I 'm retired, in my 70s. My
wife was 68. Glad you talked with Karen
& Deb. I joined GIC end of July. I don't want
to get married again, but it would
be nice to walk with a female companion
along my.nearby coast of northern
Massachusetts. Deb lives in South Carolina
in my time zone. Do you live near the
sea in Alabama? The ocean feeds my
soul-except in harsh winter . My wife.
Linda & I loved Florida, but never went
to your state. '
Lou

 

I live in Fairhope, Lorry

 

Lorry,

As of 3:45 a.m. this morning, Bob has been gone nine months. The time seems to have flown by and gone by so slowly all at once. Before getting way off track, I want to answer your question. Although I hate being alone, and am over the top lonely, I'm no where near ready to even begin to think about dating. After spending so many years living with the constant 24/7 worry, stress, and sadness caused by Bob's poor health, and especially after being his full time caregiver since the beginning of 2018, I've lost my sense of self, I'm not sure who I am anymore.

(Very briefly, backing up to the beginning, Bob was diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, suffered a major heart attack on February 3, 2009, was misdiagnosed in 2015, and by the time he got the correct diagnosis, kidney cancer, it had spread to his lungs. He had lots of other health issues too, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, loss of hearing in one ear, problems with balance and walking, numbness in one arm and hand. This was an unfortunate complication of the approximately 7.5 hour surgery to remove one of his kidneys), a pins and needles feeling 24/7 that he had for the rest of his life, etc., etc., etc. Prior to his death, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. By the time he died, he had a specialist for just about every body part.)

Now that I'm no longer Bob's caregiver I need to rediscover who I am, find a new purpose in life, some meaning..., before I think about the possibility of beginning a new relationship. I'm so over the top lonely, but for me, even if I wanted companionship now, I know it wouldn't be for the right reasons. I would only be "using" this person to feel a little less lonely. But and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, there is no way around grief, no shortcuts. We must travel through it. Otherwise, Mr. Grief (Karen came up with this and it is just so perfect!!!) will be our life long, most visited friend. Mr. Grief will always be hanging over our heads like one of those big, dark storm clouds, ready to soak us in a torrential downpour of tears at any minute. However, in time (hopefully!!!), we'll get soaked lots less, smile lots more...

I think being alone, so lonely... is one of the hardest things that all of us have to deal with. After nine months, I'm just beginning to feel like I want to re enter the world. I'm beginning to discover my purpose in life, but still have a long way to go. I've always wanted to train a therapy dog, bring him/her to hospitals, nursing homes, schools, etc., wherever he/she was needed most. My last dog definitely had the right "personality" to become a therapy dog, but I didn't have the time. Now that I have the time, this is one of the things on my "bucket list." I was looking forward to working in an animal shelter close to my house, walking dogs, and helping to train them, before they went to their new homes. I couldn't wait for the next class (required for all volunteers who want to work directly with the dogs) to begin. Unfortunately, I recently found out that all volunteer programs have been put on hold because of COVID. This COVID thing has grown way past stale... It has destroyed and/or invaded so many peoples' lives, all of our lives ... Better get off my soapbox before I really get going!!! (As my GIC friends know, once I get started, I can keep on going, maybe even outlasting that Energizer Bunny.)

I'm glad you're sticking with us and glad that you've "met" Karen and Lou, two of my friends.

Sending you, Henry and Charlie hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lorry,

This is sort of a P.S. Some of the things that have helped me the most so far, are my friends on GIC, taking long walks..., just being in nature... two books that Lou recommended to all of us, "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba, and "The Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer, my belief in God, which has strengthened since Bob's death, making daily to do lists, spending time with a friend I met two summers ago while I was walking and she was biking (Long story short, we kept running into each other, stopped to talk one day, and the rest is history. I don't believe in coincidences, so believe we were meant to meet.), taking days off from the world when necessary, allowing myself to feel all this pain, cry as hard and as long as I need to, and on my very worst days, I make myself get up, dress, wash up, make my bed, make coffee and eat something, sometimes this is a major accomplishment and takes every bit of energy I have.

Very recently, I've found that as lonely as I am, I need lots of "me" time, especially at night, on the couch, wrapped in my favorite, soft bereavement blanket, my best friend sent me shortly after Bob died, tissues nearby, with a cup of tea, in silence... watching the flickering flame on a candle that's on my coffee table. I know this might sound nuts!!!, but by doing this, I've experienced a new feeling of "calm," mixed with sadness, which is so much better than that 24/7 over the top, stressed out, worried mixed with sadness feeling I experienced for so many years. Sometimes at night, I'll tune out of reality, and into some mindless TV, an escape from everything.

Also very recently, I'm feeling like I want to begin to give back some of the help I've been given along this miserable path/journey, or whatever you want to call it, one of the reasons why I wanted to volunteer at that animal shelter. One of my neighbors' lost his wife right as the 2021 holiday season was beginning. To make matters worse, he had to have surgery right after Christmas. I want to help him in any way I can. This week we're going to talk over brunch. He's struggling big time... Helping others is one of the best ways I know of to help myself too.

I'm sure there's lots of things I forgot to mention, but I constantly have that foggy widow brain. I'm so glad you have Henry and Charlie... Dogs are the absolute best!!!, TU (total understatement).

Sending more hugs to you, Henry and Charlie, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you so much DEB. My late husband was ill for ten years; every joint in his body disintegrating; diabetes; crippling RA; COPD; had to sit up on O2 and then started drinking toward to end. I lost myself and it has been a year and 2 mos. It is so very hard. Thank God I found you all and pray constantly. Lorry

 

Hi, Lorry
I’m another one who’s partner had a long term illness. Kenn was receiving some hospice services for the last two and a half years. This last November he died at home. At 12:12am on 11-2-2021 it felt like he just got scooped up to leave his body.
I should have started with hi, I’m so sorry for the death of your husband and I’m glad you’re here, it’s a good group. I’m tired today, new puppy kept me up all night and Kenn wasn’t here to cajole me through it. A Happy/Sad feeling, as is common for my own grief journey.
~Bernadine

 

Lorry,

I'm so sorry Neil was so sick for so many years... Were you his full time caregiver for the past ten years? Whether or not you were his full time caregiver, doesn't make any of this any easier. I'm sorry that Neil started drinking towards the end. I'm thinking this must have made things even more difficult for you than they already were. I hope you had some support from family and/or friends. I don't know how anyone could go through what you went through, what I went through, so many of us have gone through, without losing our sense of self in the process... It SUCKS!!! (I seem to be stuck on sucks lately. It sums it all up, quickly, to the point.)

From the beginning of 2018, my life with Bob revolved around medical appointments, ambulances, hospital stays, and towards the end of his life, two stays in acute rehab facilities. Every morning started out the same way, I would take Bob's temperature, check his blood pressure, his blood sugar, help him get up, washed, and dressed, give him his medication, then make breakfast for the two of us. On a daily basis, I had to make decisions I didn't feel comfortable making. Should I call his primary care physician or his oncologist? Does Bob need an appointment that same day? If so, is there enough time to drive him to the appointment without risking his health rapidly going downhill? Or the very worst of all, is it time to call an ambulance? Unfortunately (long story, won't explain now, but I wrote about this in previous messages), we lived far away from the only hospital in our area that was capable of treating all of his complicated health issues. Most of his specialists worked at this hospital. On a good day, if the traffic was light, we might be able to make it to the hospital in an hour, on a bad day, it could take up to two hours, every once in a while up to two and a half hours. (Then there was the parking issue... a total nightmare.) If he needed care in the evenings, it was a scary drive there. I don't have good night vision, and many of the roads aren't well lit. Calling an ambulance was always the last resort. Our local hospital isn't equipped to handle complicated health issues and doesn't have the specialists on staff that Bob needed, not even a cardiologist. When Bob arrived at the local hospital by ambulance, the only one the EMTs were allowed to bring him to, I had to fight, and I mean FIGHT!!!, to get him out of there, and transported to the only hospital where he would not only be treated with dignity and respect, but given the appropriate level of care too. I could go on and on and on, definitely outlasting that Energizer Bunny, but will stop here. I think I'm getting way off track.

Backing way up, I thought of one other thing, that while I only participated in it for about two months, helped me. Are there any bereavement support groups in your area? The medical social worker who ran the group I attended said that in order to know if a bereavement support group is going to be the right "fit" for you, that you should attend at least twice. If after the second meeting, you still don't think the group is right for you, check out as many other groups as you need to, until you find one where you feel like you belong. You might make a new friend, or friends, who you want to get together with outside of the bereavement group.

I'm glad you found us too. I hope you'll find, that as the more you open up, the more you share your story (although we are powerless to take away any of your pain), you'll feel comforted, if even just a little bit, by all the warmth, caring, and support found here. I hope this will become your safe place, just as it's become mine.

As always, sending you, Henry and Charlie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb: I had my faith in God only. I took care of him for ten years!! No my children were not his and did not help me. I was exhausted. Thank you Deb! Lorry

 

I am in a grief group at my church. I also attended Grief Share online at first which was good. I was in shock. Lorry

 

Lorry,

Our children wanted to help, but they have their own lives, all three of them live way too far away, and our oldest son lives outside of the United States. They visited as often as they could, but during the end of Bob's life, COVID hit, and our children weren't able see their father. They supported me emotionally, and called us frequently. They sent lots of packages too. I'm so sorry your children didn't help you. I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted you were... I was only Bob's full time caregiver for three years, and it totally wiped me out.

Those floodgates just opened... I can't stop thinking about how much our children wanted to be with Bob during those last 24 hours of his life, but it was impossible for them to get to SC in time. From the moment the EMTs wheeled Bob out of the house, my kids were on the phone with me. Our daughter set it up so that all four of us could be on the phone at the same time. I don't know how I would have made it through the very worst, final hours of Bob's life, our lives, without my children being here for me emotionally. Our daughter and youngest son got to say goodbye to Bob, but the doctor came in just as my oldest son started talking to Bob, and he made me leave the room. I asked if our oldest son could just talk to B0b for a few more minutes, but I got a firm, you need to leave now. The very first words out of my oldest son's mouth were,"Dad I love you," and these were the last words Bob ever got to hear from him. Bob was trying to say I love you too, but by this time I was being escorted out. Honestly, I don't think another minute or two would have made any difference. The hospital was totally unprepared to handle a heart attack, plus all of Bob's other medical issues. Stopping here, I'm getting way off track from what I was going to say. Plus, if I continue talking about this, I'm going to go through at least one full box of tissues. ( I think Bernadine is on to something... We need those handkerchiefs, lol!!! I think we should have them embroidered with TGWS, make some for all of us...)

I'm glad that you're going to a bereavement group run by your church. I've heard good things about in person Grief Share meetings. I wanted to attend, but they were held in the evenings, a bit too far for me to want to drive back and forth from in the dark. At the bereavement group I attended, a pastor from a nearby church used to fill in for the medical social worker when he couldn't be there. She always gave us so much to think about and I found her to be very helpful.

I think all of us are in shock at first. I think we have to be in shock. If we weren't, if we were able to fully understand that the death of our spouses is real, that we're not in the middle of the worst nightmare in our lives, that they are NEVER going to be with us while we are on this earth again, I'm not sure, that we would be able to handle all the miserable tasks thrown at us right after their deaths. I remember those first few weeks... Looking back, I was surprisingly on top of things. Even being as financially challenged as I was (I paid the monthly bills, but Bob was the one who took care of long range financial goals, plans, etc.), when I notified the life insurance companies that Bob had died, I asked for the 1099s needed for my 2021 taxes to be sent with the checks. I think it was Tom Zuba, in "Permission To Mourn," who wrote that he doesn't think we could survive the death of our loved ones without being in shock first. It would just be too much for us to handle all at once.

Stopping here. I wasn't home most of the day and am frazzled to the max. I'm going to zap something for dinner, the micro is (still ) sometimes my best friend, take it into the living room, and turn on the TV. Prior to Bob's death,I never watched TV during dinner. Dinner was a time to relax, wind down, enjoy each other's company, and talk... about important matters...plans for our future..., about the funny things, annoying things, that happened during the day, etc., etc., etc., Now, nine months after Bob's death, I still hate sitting at the kitchen table alone, seeing the chair where he should be sitting empty. It SUCKS!!! All of this SUCKS!!!

I hope you're able to get some quality sleep tonight. Sleep is one thing I'll NEVER take for granted again!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB