Living a "fake" life

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Melisteve, Jan 27, 2019.

  1. Melisteve

    Melisteve New Member

    It's been 3 years & I cry so hard I can't breathe, yet I'm the "Clown" & jokester at work.... My heart literally ACHES missing him SOOO much..., but I walk around singing (like he used to)... I struggle to get him off my mind, so I can give the love that's left over to the living. I cry myself to sleep knowing "No, he's really not coming back"... I've searched for a psychic or medium to get me in touch with him somehow, but never followed through. I pretend im happy when I'm not , I look at his photos ALL the time. I have one voicemail still saved on my phone. I listen to it repeatedly.... I have so much in my life to be grateful for.... Yet the VOID has made me numb... No more butterflies, no more major excitement. I am so sad & I miss Steve SOOO much. I just went through his 3rd year loss of life on January 18th.. I'm not getting any better on the outside, but pretending on the inside.
    Cathryn and Melissa Holmes like this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Melisteve, I am so sorry for your loss and for all that you continue to suffer in the years since. It's hard to find the balance as we try to make a life moving forward in grief. Yes, some try the "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy where they try to re-engage in life and hope that eventually our mind and heart will follow. It's not always a bad idea and for some it may actually work. But if you feel that you are living a lie in some way or another, I wonder if there is more to be done to find balance in a better way.
    Yes, 3 years later a lot of people will not understand the pain that you still carry. Most people around us probably expect that we'll be back to "normal" and no longer needing to be checked on or looked after. After only a few months most grievers tell me that people stop asking, "how are you doing?" because they think they already know that the answer is "ok".
    It is bad enough to be living with this pain, but I wonder if it's being magnified by the ways in which you feel you are not authentically able to acknowledge it to the rest of the people in your life.
    Yes, at this point, because you have been the "clown" for so long, people would be surprised to know that you're doing anything other than fine. And no, I don't think you have to change your whole demeanor with every one you know, but it may be time to let someone in. A friend, a close relative - find those few special people willing to be in the trenches with you and let them know how you're really feeling and make sure you always have an outlet to be your authentic self.
    It's the only way we can truly get the support we need. You deserve to be comforted, no matter how much time goes by, and it's okay to "still" be sad. Grief lasts a really long time. In many ways, the pain of losing someone we love never really leaves us and I know for certain we never stop missing them.
    All of that is hard enough to deal with, and if you feel that you're doing it alone, it's only going to leave you feeling more isolated and lonely than you may already feel.
    I hope coming here can be a start for you finding a life that feels more real, and I hope you can give yourself permission to not be "on" for everyone else's sake. This is your grief and your loss, and you don't anything to anyone when it comes to how you choose to handle it.
    I'm glad you're with us, we are here to help~ please let me know if you need anything further, and please take care.
  3. Melisteve

    Melisteve New Member

    Thank you so much for your wise & helpful words! I appreciate you taking the time. I will definitely follow your suggestions of letting someone in!!
    Washijuwia and griefic like this.
  4. Melissa Holmes

    Melissa Holmes New Member

    Oh my goodness I just lost my Steve 2 months ago and sudden loss after him being clean and sober for so long and then I get a toxicology report I wish I knew how to read it because I want to know how much it took get those levels and like you I have recordings of him singing and Duo video calls voicemails calls that were recorded because we had legal issues at the time and I had to record all my calls so all of his got recorded which now I'm thankful. He went to find a piece of Real Estate for us to put a home and obviously was tempted and used and well here I am. I don't know how I will ever get over him as he was my twin flame my soulmate the other half of me. I'm sorry you lost your Steve and I hope at you find something someday that covers the scar of this loss... and it does feel everyday like I will get a phone call or I'll wake up I would like I'm home. And I know like you it'll never happen I am so so sorry give experience this. I pray more blessings for you and grief.
    Melissa Holmes