Just lost the love of my life

George, I think our brother, Gary's
"Mr. Grief's Amusement Park rides" is
brilliant. I was doing OK, happy & grateful
for the first sunny 50s day. Then, in the
night, I had a dream that I was hugging
Linda.The temp had dropped 20 degrees,
& I woke up hugging myself. When I
woke up, I cursed & cried. My whole day
sucked, until I walked to a friend's store,
& had a laugh. Lou

 

Morning, Debra. We agreed that
grief is like the ocean waves, ever
changing, Even though it's cold, still
winter here, it's sunny. The temps will
gradually go up to 40s Mon &Tues, and
50 at end of week. With the changing of
the clocks, St.Patrick's Day, & the official
1st day of spring coming soon, I'm
finally seeing no more snow, and my
favorite seasons of spring &summer
ahead. I know I will still have sad
moments, sad dreams, and sad days,
but I think I'll be better when I can
walk outside more than I did all winter.
Lou

 

I hope to get out today. It is finally gonna warm up. I know a walk will help. I am so F-ng Depressed! In all my Dreamz Valerie is still alive. Last nights I was still a useful member of society. The only good part is the dreams.

 

Thank you Debra! Hope to go out for a walk today. Maybe do some art... I keep trying to try! Love!

 

I grew up in the 50's. Then you could go to the theatre for 10 cents and stay and watch the movie over again?

 

In the 70s it was like 3$ and you could sit there all day too. There were even movies worth seeing!

 

Gary,

As I'm guessing you already know, I'm a huge fan of Tom Zuba. I totally agree that we have to accept our loved ones are NEVER!!! coming home, if we're going to be able to heal. Although it felt over the top surreal, for so many months, I think I've finally accepted I'm alone..., Bob is NEVER!!! coming home... Just saying this, has me teary eyed... but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, as I've been saying so often lately, this is my reality right up until the time I'm reunited with Bob. It SUCKS!!!, but I'm determined to do whatever I can to make the most of whatever time I have left on this earth.

Watching Bob slowly wither away..., watching him slowly become the shell of the man who he once was..., hardly recognizable physically..., at the very end, losing that spark..., that zest for life..., his once beautiful eyes so empty... but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, right up until the very end, he was way beyond grateful to "be on the right side of the dirt." Watching Bob's slow decline at first, then watching his health rapidly spiral downhill, has made me realize how very precious life is..., how grateful, in spite of everything, I'm still alive, physically able to do most of the things I enjoyed prior to Bob's death. I'm determined NOT!!! to take this for granted and do whatever I can to rebuild my shattered life. I think the only reason I feel this way is because I have finally accepted the cold, stark reality of my situation. I'm alone..., without Bob..., my knight in shining armor..., for the first time in 35 years. It SUCKS!!!

I know I'm healing, but I also know it's going to be a process that will continue until I'm reunited with Bob. I know it's not going to be easy to keep moving forward, and I'm positive Mr. Grief will still win some, but most likely many, of those daily battles I have with him, but in the end I am determined to do whatever I can NOT!!! to let Mr Grief suck all of the life right out of me..., suffocate me.

Some of my creativity is beginning to return. I still want to move, but have put it off until the economy improves. I know I could end up in SC for a long time. I don't want to spend my life being miserable in this house (even though I still have to keep the doors to the guest bathroom and bedroom shut), so I decided it's time to add a bit of my personality to it. I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be on this earth. I don't want to always be thinking about the future, not living in the present.

Prior to Bob becoming sick, I loved decorating houses!!!, TUTTAM!!! Yesterday I bought new dinnerware online, a much needed purchase, TUTTAM!!! I justified my purchase, I had 30% off and free shipping. I researched online and was confident it was a good deal, so went for it. I think the new dinnerware will look really nice in my kitchen. I also ordered color coordinated place mats to attempt to hide how badly the kitchen table needs refinishing. (This is something Bob would have enjoyed doing. The floodgates just opened...) I'm going to keep working on the kitchen, then when it's finished, and finally looks like "home," I'll move on to another room... I'm going to do this as cheaply as I possibly can because I still want to move, but I'll be able to use whatever I purchase for this house (hopefully!!!), someday in my new forever home. I think this would make Bob so happy, knowing I refuse to live the rest of my life in "lack," to quote Tom Zuba.

I'm no where near caught up, so stopping here.

I hope you're having as good a day as possible, and at least one reason to LMSO, but hopefully many more...

As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I've been MIA for awhile, but you are always in my thoughts and prayers... I'm so sorry Mr. Grief has been winning those daily battles... However, as usual, being TUGW, you are struggling to win today's battle. I love!!! you might go for a walk and get some fresh air, some exercise, one of the very best ways I know how to keep Mr. Grief down on that mat, where he belongs...

If you do some more art, when you feel up to it, please share it with us. You're very talented and I still love the idea of you doing a book, with each page having a large one of your pictures, and a short sentence or two underneath describing your feelings as you were creating it. I think something really good could come out of this total heartbreak. I wonder if there is a way you could make the book, sell copies and donate all the money, minus the costs of putting the book together, to one or more charities of your choice. I think this would be a wonderful way to honor Valerie's memory. You could even dedicate your book to her, maybe write a short paragraph about her, the one true love of your life...

I would be the first one to buy copies of your book. I would give a copy as gifts to my friend who lost her husband several years ago, to the recent widower on my street, keep one for myself, and maybe buy one to hold onto until I meet someone who has just become a widow/widower, and now belongs to this miserable "club," that no one wants to join, but all of us have been forced to be a part of.

I know..., this would be a HUGE!!! undertaking, requiring so much of your energy and time, at a time when Mr. Grief continuously zaps you of it, leaving you both emotionally and physically exhausted, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, this could give you a purpose in life, you would not only be helping others, but helping yourself too, and in the process, honoring Valerie's memory in a very special way. Not all of us are creative or talented enough to take on a project like this, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, if this is something you want to do, I believe with all my heart, you CAN DO THIS!!!

Stopping here, I've been rambling on and on and on about this for way too long already. Just my thoughts... take it or leave it, I will always be here to support you, no matter what...

Sending zillions of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, this post made me happy. Your kitchen feeling like home. You are right, Bob is happy knowing you’re taking care of yourself and living life.
I know how hard it is, even prepared for so many aspects of daily living, the reality, the finality of physical death is crushing.
Kenn’s absence is so palpable right now.
Maybe the changing of seasons, the garden waking up, migrating birds….
Another time to learn to live without him.
~B
“I’m strong enough to feel this”
“I’m strong enough to feel this”
“I’m strong enough to feel this”

 

Lou,

Hoping Mother Nature brings your corner of the world, a picture perfect spring/summer... After all you've been through, you deserve it!!!

Hope whatever today brings, it's a good one...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Bernadine,

I'm so glad reading my update, made you happy... Although I feel like I've "known" you for a long time, Kenn's death is still so very recent. Continue to be extra gentle with yourself. I "get" that horrible feeling... always feeling Kenn's absence. I always feel Bob's absence too. I talk to Bob all the time, as though he's still with me. It SUCKS!!!

All of us heal in our own ways... the time it takes to move forward, to fully accept Bob's death, Kenn's death will most likely be different for us, just as it will different for all of TGW. You ARE!!! "strong enough to feel this!!!" You ARE!!! healing!!! I know you know this, but I can't help repeating myself. It SUCKS!!! As Robin has said, healing occurs so gradually, you might not even be aware of it, but the day will come, when you can smile a little more, cry a little less. (I think it was Robin who said this, if not, I apologize to whoever I just paraphrased. Going to blame it on my foggy widow brain!!!)

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm going to adopt your saying, "I'm strong enough to feel this," and repeat it over and over and over again too, especially when Mr. Grief wins one of our daily battles.

I hope you and Maggie are having as good a day as possible..., Hope you have at least one reason to LMSO...

Sending you and Maggie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I hope it's safe to hug Maggie today, otherwise I'm already covered in whatever ??? she got into today, lol...

 

My Mom was into health and packed our lunch for the movies. My sister and I always wanted those hot dogs, but she would give us some money for candy. My fav was dots, my sister liked chocolate covered raisins. We're happy. We loved those 3 dimensional glasses watching King Kong.

 

Lou, I know you're always interested in where everyone lives. I have a surprise. Found out Nancy lives in northern Calif right in the same town as I do. We will get together later on.

 

Wow, Karen, that's great!!!It's not that I'm
nosy. Deb says I enjoy bringing people
together, in my personal life, too. I have 2
friends with whom I've gone out to
breakfast separately. Both guys are about
my age. & easy going like me ( I know-
hard to believe!). I knew they would get
along,& I was right. We've gone out twice
& had a lot of laughs. Have fun, as well as
the tears. Lou

 

Thank you so much, Deb. Even though it's
cold, the sunshine &clear blue skies lift
my spirits. Without snow, I can walk
freely down to the Neck & have a laugh
with the guys who. either own stores, or
hang out in them,like me! You deserve
warmer, less rainy weather in S.C. !! Lou

 

No, you are not nosy, you have a way of bringing people together especially here on GW's site. I'm glad you have friends your age, it really helps doesn't it? K

 

Deb, Bernadine, Robin, you, & other GE

Deb: Bernadine, Robin, Karen, & you,
inspire me. I'm proud of you for making
your house into a home while you live
there. I don't drive, but I asked a woman,
who's like the daughter I never had,to
buy lamps to bring more light into my
apartment this past winter. It had been
dark & depressing. It feels so much
better at night. She surprised me one day
by bringing 2 paintings & hanging them.
She said they had been in her house with
other paintings, but no one in her family
was looking at them anymore. I admire
these 2: one of a harbor, the other of a
river, and I gaze at them every day, and
they make feel calm. When you said you
realized Bob would NEVER be by your
side physically, in this life, I recall the
moment I knew, & since I had no family
or friends, the shock sent me to a small
psychiatric unit on Thanksgiving, 2018,
right after Linda died. It was the best thing
I could have done. Rather than being by
myself, I was sharing a holiday dinner
with 8 other clients, with various issues,
including depression, addiction, manic
depression, etc. We cared about each other.
We had counselor led groups & walks. One
day, a counselor asked us what are goals
were, when we were discharged. Everyone
said they wanted to help other people. I
learned that, & the benefits of walking
outside, which guide me to this day. Lou

 

Deb, So good to see you back. I was off for a while also. Sometimes we just need a break. I love that you’re feeling your creativity coming back. And thst you purchased new dishes to help update your kitchen. And yes that was me who said that the healing process is so very slow that it’s not even noticed until one day you realize you’re crying less often and smile once in a while. Thank you for mentioning that. It needs to be recognized that this process is soooo s-l-o-w

 

Wow. That sent and I was still writing.
it can feel like there nothing changing and there’s no healing. But it is happening. I’m going to post this.
eith that happening I lost my train of thought.
Robin

 

I missed Deb's new kitchen decor site, but here I am. I heard of a lady who lost her husband and what she did was completely redecorate the bedroom so it wouldn't remind her of her loss. She painted and decorated it feminine style. She said she was going to do most of the interior. I'm thinking of doing that with our "now" guest room where Jack spent many hours even before he got sick due to the fact I snore. Because it hurts to walk in there with all his paintings, and man decor I may just redo it.