Just lost the love of my life

Thank you for your kind reply. Rita.
For me. walking outside in nature, is how I
deal with grief. I rent an apartment,
so I don't have the home maintenance
issues that you & others on GIC have.
But. Linda & I did own a house years ago ,
so I know that it takes a lot of work. We
did all the raking leaves, mowing lawn,
& shoveling snow, and now, in my
retirement years, it's the management's
turn. Lou

 

You have the right idea Lou. Will be happy for you when you are able to write about your walks in nature again. Rita

 

Thanks, Rita. At 72, as a widower, who
has been to the ER for my own medical
issues, in the middle of the night, I feel
like I've "paid my dues", and my time is
my own. If I want to just sit on a bench,
gazing out to sea, that's the closest I
come to feeling Linda's presence,bc it's
the same bench we sat on together. It's
also the closest I feel to God. Lou

 

Lou, thank you so very much for your empathy and for mentioning me to Susan. And I do know how you feel, as I am feeling the exact same way, missing Keith every day. And you are in my thoughts.
Take care always
Debra

 

George, hang on to anything you can, please try. Remember what Deb said in one of her posts, "I'm still me". I spent the day thinking about that comment although I'm not there as, still me, the phrase has caught my attention. You are still "you". Sending you strength, Karen P. S. If it makes any difference I'm still in pain and I truly hear what you are feeling, I truly do. I thought 1 year would be better, it's just different, but I still ache for Jack. So we go from day to day, all we can do.

 

Karen, just about to go to bed, almost
10pm, my time, & wanted to agree with
your comments to George. I think of you
as a wise, strong, and witty woman. You
were like that before Jack, with Jack,
& after Jack. You bring comfort to other
GW, like me, and I hope we can do the
same for you. Hope you have pleasant
dreams. Lou

 

Hey I so agree with your post. Things were so much easier making decisions as a couple. It seems it was good looking forward to each day with them and without them we dread it sometimes. I live for my kids and try to plan things for them but some days on the weekend I just don't want to move. Like you said the energy isn't there to do.anything. Thats grief holding on to us. We'll get through it eventually. We just got to keep pushing. Praying for all of.our strength.

 

George, I see you’re hurting so bad right now. I also see that I missed when it was the one year anniversary of the worst day of your life. That poem you wrote speaks volumes. Although beautiful it’s so very sad. But you created it from your heart and how you’re feeling. I can share with you that leading up the first year of the worst day of my life I was not in good shape at all and it lasted a long while after. It just happens and we need to let the anger and pain out. Bottling it up inside is not good. George, I don’t believe for a second that you were a bad husband. No one is perfect but that’s what makes the world go round. You loved her and took care of her and will always have her in your heart. . She knows that. My loss was very different and I blamed myself for possibly missing signs and kept reliving arguments in my head when I had trouble forgiving him. I suffered with survivors guilt. I still do to a degree. And I have guilt that I wish Ron was here to take care of me. That’s so selfish. I didn’t share this but I fell last week. I’m not hurt just stiff. But I cried, asking Ron where are you I need you so much. Believe me, Ron wants to be here. And Valerie wants to be with you. And give you a hug.
My advice for right now is to try to get fresh air. I know you drive your sons gf to and from work. But even if you put your coat on and just walk out to your car. Breathe in the fresh air and go back inside. Try to get your blood flowing. I know, I know, you have no desire to do anything. Try to push and move even if just for a few minutes.
Sending you hugs and wishing you the strength to keep fighting this horrible battle. ❤️ Robin

 

Robin, I'm so sorry you fell. I understand
why you cried out bc Ron wasn't there to
take care of you. I felt the same way when
I was in the hospital, on an IV, & then,
stuck at home, weak, dehydrated, and
hungry. Linda cooked for us for most of
our marriage, until it was difficult for her
to stand. I didn't need her to cook for me,
but I so wanted her company. Just as I was
getting stronger, we were hit with a big
snowstorm, which really depressed me.
I know you can relate to that,Robin. I agree
with your advice to George. I told him
that he & I will feel better when we can
walk in the spring sunshine. I recall that
George was happy, briefly, right after he
moved, bc he had a pleasant place to
walk, unlike at his previous residence.
I took a walk by the ocean on Sunday.
It was sunny & 50s. It was wonderful to
see my friends again. Everyone was
smiling at the first sign of spring. I'm
very aware of happy birds chirping to
each other, and I'm looking out for my 1st
robin. Lou

 

George I feel bad that you’re in so much pain now. I hope you feel better today Bro. I’m Thinking about all of our situations reminds me of Tom Zuba saying “until we accept the fact that our lives are never ever going to be the same we will never heal”. This is the hardest thing to accept. Keep stepping forward. Do your best and Your best is good enough. I love you. Gary

 

Thank you for the kind words and good advise. I need to do better. I want to do better. The depression just hit me big time a couple weeks ago. I feel like such a mess. I'm determined to keep trying. Thanks for all the love and support! Hugz!

 

I think I might be better today. Got lottsa sleep which is good. It doesn't help that winter came roaring back with more cold and snow! It is 19 degrees right now!

 

Thanks Lou! Hopefully Spring will in fat arrive... I'm hopeful!

 

Thank you Lou, I know you I understand how I felt and why I cried and wanted Ron so badly. I was lucky however that my daughter was here and came running to be sure I was ok. I had a difficult time getting up off of the floor and was thankful she could help me up. I can totally relate to your feelings and being in the hospital and then at home so alone. I can’t imagine being that sick without Linda by your side. And yes that huge snow storm, it depressed me and I wasn’t trying to overcome all you were battling. But we push through snd come out the other side stronger for dealing with these obstacles. I know if I had Ron by my side I wouldn’t have fallen the number of times that I have. I’m doing things I really shouldn’t be doing.
Like you I’m desperate for some warm sunny weather and be outside taking in nature. But now we have a new system coming through this weekend. Snow, ice and rain with strong winds. I’m thinking you might get more snow then I will when I look at the weather map. I hope not. I many of us on here are so tired of winter and snow. Praying for spring. Can’t come fast enough. Robin

 

Robin, I would be a lost soul without
close friends like you on GIC. The
fact is that I can be a cheerleader for
others on here, but not for myself. I
woke up with another "hug Linda"
dream, calling her name, only to find I
was hugging myself. I wiped the tears
from my eyes, got out of bed, & turned
the heat on ( bc of the high price of
electric heat now, I turn it down at
night). I think we will get heavy rain,
sometimes, tomorrow. Hope your
power doesn't go out again. My mind
went to a dark place after my dream.
I started berating myself that I wasn't
affectionate enough to Linda when she
was in the rehab unit. In my head, I
know that the table on wheels next to
her bed, got in the way of my hugging
her, but I should have shoved it away.
I spent too much time making sure she
had water & ginger ale on her table. My
heart says that I should have hugged &
kissed her every time I came to her
room. I would have dinner with her,
but by 7:30pm, or so, I was tired &
would go home. Linda would get
irritated or sad that I had to leave her
alone. One day, I had a lot of errands.
When I finally came to visit, she made a
comment which pierced my heart. Linda
said I stayed away, so that when she
died, it wouldn't be so bad for me. How
wrong she was. Thank you for listening,
Robin. I know that all of the GW have
regrets & would love a do over. Since
that's not possible, I have to be kinder to
myself, and say that Linda knew I loved &
cared for her. I cry as I write this, as Rita
wrote recently. I'm going to walk to a
local breakfast place now. It's cold, but
sunny. I have to get out of my head. Lou

 

Dear Lou,
I understand what you are feeling. Coming and going from the assisted living where Kenn was receiving care part of the time was difficult. So many days I wanted to go home and rest, or had things to juggle. He never complained but always asked when I’d be back. The guilt was present the whole time, months of feeling like I was living two lives but never fully present in either.
We spent hours texting about our day and pictures of life and doing crossword puzzles over the phone.
We were fortunate to have the long weekends every month when he was home. I could cook healthy meals for us, patter back and forth from the garden with flowers, herbs I grew for tea to ease his breathing, and just sitting together reading or watching a movie.
When he came home for his visit in August we decided he needed more care, I was feeling stronger and it was realistic for him to stay home to prepare for the end. Those last months with him here were challenging. Caregiving and being cared for take balance, patience, always more to do, never enough rest…. We knew we were just living a different way we knew we were doing our best and it’s still hard not to wish I had been able to do more, sit still.
I think that’s part of life and certainly part of grief. Wondering if we did enough.
And we did. We did what we could in the circumstances we were living under. Deep down we know it, Linda and Kenn and the others certainly know it. They see life differently now, they see the bigger picture and have a perspective we don’t always have while we’re alive.
We have to hold empathy for ourselves. Huge amounts of grace for ourselves. Living bravely with the certainty that they were loved in this life. We were loved. The messiness of life doesn’t change Love. ~B

 

Oh no Lou. I’m so sorry. I agree though. It’s hard to listen to our own advice. But you and I both do get out and get the fresh air that energizes us. And that we recommend to others because we know it helps. I cried with you as I read your post. That dream of hugging Linda. Very possibly Linda was there giving you a message. She’s with you and wanting you to know it. Letting you know she loves you. I’ve gotten those hugs in the night from Ron. And I’ve asked him to stay longer and he does. Don’t be hard on yourself. I know you were a kind caring loving husband. Linda knows too. She didn’t mean those words, I’m sure they came from a feeling of frustration and anxiety. You and Linda had such a special and loving life together. I’m glad you’re getting out even though it’s so cold but it will changing your mindset. Think of the wonderful life you had together and the loving things she has said to you. Try to keep those in your mindset. I was just outside with Teddy. It’s warmed up some and we enjoyed some sun for a change. I think there would be a lot of lost souls if this site didn’t bring us all together. I hope you had a nice breakfast and possibly met up with some friends. Be kind to yourself. We all need to do that. Robin

 

I have no idea how that image got added to my post. My phone did that. I didn’t.

 

Robin, I’m glad to see we both posted together to Lou about love and going easy on ourselves, so important and fortunate we all have each other here.
The morning walks with Maggie really do lift my mood and set the tone for the day. Blessings to you. ~Bernadine

 

I totally feel your pain. I am there too. The demons are getting nasty to me. I want to be strong.