Just lost the love of my life

Yes, they are, Lou. And I must say that I was so glad and so grateful that Keith embraced my religion. And it's awesome that although Linda never went to Israel, she was able to travel to Europe with her friends on her 20s, and that although you never went to Europe, you became "armchair travelers " in your retirement years when you watched the travel channel. And it's great that when they showed Barcelona, Spain she would point and say "I was there!" And you would do the same about Israel. And I feel like you were both so fortunate to be able to say that you had been to those places!
Debra

 

Thanks Gary for keeping me in your thoughts and your helpful advice, I appreciate very much your support. These few days I experienced again a grief ataque so strong that I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I lost it. For the first time in almost three months I managed to sleep for six hours, that helps, and also I worked on my neglected garden, pulling weeds, listening to the birds and forgetting loneliness. I also did mindedness meditation and some drawing. Today I accomplished so many things keeping my emotions under control.
With today's activities I hope will manage to sleep, if not I will play some puzzles or the bubbles game from AARP.ORG, I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I'm glad that my dear friends here help us in our darkest moments. thanks again Gary you are a very understanding GW. I'm sending you love, peace and a cyber hug. Helena

 

Helena, I experienced a cyclone of grief
this morning. I had flashbacks of poor
Linda falling in our apartment several
times, and on 2 occasions,I had to call the
rescue squad who were kind to her, &
lifted her off the floor.As I said to Debra,
Easter & Passover are very sad for people
like us, whose soulmates are no longer
here by our side. Bernadine & Gary told me
our soulmates are looking after us &
smiling. Gary said it's bc they see the "big
picture" and know when our spirits will
be reunited. As I told Bernadine, I'd like to
think that. Since I've always believed in an
unseen God, bc of the natural order of the
universe ( Einstein believed that). I'm
sitting in my local breakfast spot. I was
trying not to be annoyed by 2 well
dressed young , attractive couples. They
seemed to be smug airheads, who were
so confident how attractive they were.
One of the women talked in a rapid, non
stop manner, after two many cups of
coffee. I was determined to wait them
out, & was happy when they left. Now,
I feel a sense of peace & will walk in
the sunshine, look at the flowers, and
laugh with my friends. May you have a
Happy Easter, Helena. Thank you for
being on GIC today. Lou

 

Debra,

Sending you the very biggest virtual hug... I'm so very sorry you're so over the top sad... It SUCKS!!! Although I know this doesn't help, please try to keep somewhere in the back of your mind, that you ARE!!! healing!!! I've had to give Mr. Grief several swift kicks today, but it feels like one of those days when he's going to do everything he possibly can to drown me in tears... I've been repeating, I AM!!! healing, over and over and over again in my head. I have to.

I'm so sorry Passover dinner was such a sad, miserable experience for you and your daughters... It SUCKS!!! I refused to attend any holiday celebrations last year with the exception of Thanksgiving, but I spent it with my friend who is also a widow, with just three other people. Although laced with sadness, it turned out to be a much better day than I expected it to be. However, I had been suffering through this miserable experience longer than you have, by the time Thanksgiving rolled around last year. It had been over seven months, (but keep in mind everyone heals at his/her own pace). Please continue to be very gentle with yourself.

Having said all of this, Bob and I celebrated Easter BIG!!! TIME!!! with our children every year. My children aren't able to visit until later this spring. I decided I wanted to spend today alone. I have to. I need to do whatever I can to continue to heal. I need to preserve whatever shred of sanity I have left. April has been an over the top difficult month and I need time to recover. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. First my oldest son's birthday on the 8th, then the one year anniversary of Bob's death at 3:45 a.m., on the 11th, my youngest son's oral defense of his dissertation on the 12th, today, the 17th, Easter, and my youngest son's birthday on the 28th. My head is way past flooded..., is bursting with memories..., once so over the top happy..., now so over the top bittersweet... It SUCKS!!!

I fully understand, and I'm sure all of TGW, all of our GIC "family" understands too, why you need to "visit" less frequently. I used to be here all the time, morning, noon and night, when I first found this site, and for many months afterwards. It wasn't until Gary commented about this, that I finally stopped to do some serious thinking. It's because of what Gary told me, the serious thinking I did following his heartfelt message, that I realized I needed to step away, put myself first, if I was going to be able to continue moving forward, to heal... Every time I read an over the top sad story on GIC, I need a tissue... I can (almost) feel the unbearable pain he/she is suffering... It breaks my heart... All I want to do is to wrap my arms around that person, give them the biggest hug..., let them cry, talk, just be there to listen... After doing lots of thinking about what Gary told me, I realized I wasn't giving myself the same TLC that I want so much to give to others.

Now that I'm MIA much more often, I find that, while I miss our GIC "family," think about, and pray for strength for everyone daily, I'm doing the things I need to do to help myself. I'm getting as much fresh air, sunshine and walks in, as I possibly can, talking to my friends from "home," spending more time with some of my neighbors, and my very close friend who is also a widow, still spending lots of time alone..., watching the flickering flame of the candle on my coffee table,... reflecting on my life..., where I've been..., where I am now..., trying to figure out what will make me feel content, happy, and at peace, (although I know I'll NEVER!!!, TUTTAM!!! be as content, as happy, or as much at peace, as I was when Bob and I were together!!!, TUTTAM!!!), and am just beginning to get back into doing the things I enjoy.

My creative energy is starting to return, and I've been turning my house into my home (still thinking a temporary home, but this is a story for another time). I feel Bob's presence more than ever... I find myself talking to him, asking him what he thinks of this picture, this light fixture, lamp, etc., etc., etc... I'm beginning to feel comfortable in the house where I experienced some of the very worst moments in my entire life, but still have to leave the doors to the guest bedroom and bathroom closed (a story for another time.) I'm also beginning to cook again, and have been eating at the kitchen table, but still need the company of my chrome book, otherwise seeing that empty chair..., where Bob should be sitting..., would be way too much for me to handle... Need a tissue... I'm emotional mess...

I think it's good you realize you need more time to yourself. Keith's death was so very recent, still so over the top raw... Sometimes I forget that I've only "known" you for such a short period of time. I think you're farther along in this miserable journey, for lack of a better word, than I was at about the time you are at now, because I didn't realize I needed to take care of myself better. Giving yourself the same TLC you would give to others, I hope will not only make you feel a little better, but will make you a stronger person, able to tackle Mr. Grief head on, winning more of those miserable multiple daily battles... Give you the time you need to try to figure out who you are now, without Keith's physical presence.... I think I can safely speak for all of our GIC "family" when I say we WILL!!! be here whenever you need us...

You are a true GW!!!, TUTTAM!!! WE CAN & WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!, TUTTAM!!!

Sending you zillions more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

This is a beautiful post, Deb
How you are caring for your home, your friendships and first yourself.
You are a warrior. Wounded warrior, like all of us here.
Battle scarred, falling back to regroup or calling in reinforcements.
Strong enough to feel all that arises.
Lots of tears.
~B

PS I read about putting a jacket or shirt on the back of the chair our beloveds always occupied at the table. Invite them to share space with us. A bouquet of flowers, or books or a picture between us if the expanse feels to open.

 

Deb, I LOVE YOU, & your "book" of kind
words to Debra.You rival my favorite
author, Jonathan Santlofer, in your
love for your forever soulmate, Bob, and
your attention to the details of your
life-- past and present. God Bless you,
Deb, and I hope this Easter day brings you
peace, or , as you always conclude, and
"all of us peace". Amen. Lou

 

Lou, Thanks very much for your Happy Easter wishes, I appreciate your kindness remembering me! I also extend my best wishes for you to have a peaceful sunny day without listening to some annoying noise individuals that don't respect our space. Sending you love, peace and cyber hugs. Happy walking! Helena

 

Thank you, dear friend! On my way,
bringing phone with me, so I can keep in
touch with my sad GW friends today.
God Bless, Helena, Lou

 

Bernadine,

There is absolutely!!!, NO!!! way (thinking it but left it out, it's so over the top stale...), I would have the strength to fight battle after battle with Mr. Grief, if I didn't have you, all of TGW, our GIC "family," fighting just as hard, right beside me. As Gary has said (???), I think it was Gary who said, "there is strength in numbers." Each member of our "family," in his/her own way, contributes something to our "family" as a whole. It's amazing..., how a group of strangers, from so many different backgrounds, have been united over the very worst tragedy in our lives... I'm crying right along with you...

I am so grateful to God every day, for bringing us together..., to help each other as we continue on this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), stumbling and falling along the way, but always being able to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and keep moving forward, into unknown territory, never knowing when Mr. Grief is going to knock us down again, but knowing that each time one of us falls, one of us will be here, to help him/her up, so all of us can continue to move forward together...

I think I'm a better person because of my GIC "family..." Now, for the first time since the beginning of 2015, prior to Bob being correctly diagnosed with kidney cancer, but what I now know was the very beginning of the end, when he first became sick, when we first had to begin those over the top, way too frequent, miserable trips, to the ER, I am beginning to look forward to the future. I have no idea what's down the road, but I want to find out. This is such a new feeling for me. It's taking me by surprise, even now, as I'm "talking" to you.

I'm looking forward to "talking" to you again, next year, around this time... I'm looking forward to seeing how far down this miserable path all of us will have traveled, in spite of all those steep twists and turns..., all those falls... but, always!!! having each other to lean on, to help push us forward... when we feel like we just don't have the strength to take another step... I can't wait to find out what we learn about ourselves, each other, along this most miserable, challenging journey. I know Kenn, Bob, and all of the one true loves of our lives, are watching over us..., so very proud of us... for our strength and courage, so very happy... we have each other.

To honor Bob's memory on the 11th, I decided to use his very favorite beer/chocolate milk mug, as a vase/centerpiece for my kitchen table. I bought a pretty bouquet of flowers, put them in Bob's favorite mug, and although so very bittersweet, smiled a "real!!!" smile, thinking how happy Bob would be if he knew I'm using his special mug as a vase. Backing up just a bit, he loved to surprise me with flowers, mostly for no special reason. One day, we had a nasty argument. When Bob came home, he handed me the most beautiful bouquet. As he handed me the flowers, he said, "Weeds for the witch," and although I wanted to pretend I was still angry, I started laughing, Bob started laughing, we couldn't stop... From that day forward, "Weeds for the witch," became one of our inside jokes, always making us burst out laughing. Just had to give Mr. Grief a swift kick in the ass. I gave him one for you too, the more the better. Hopefully, two super hard kicks will not only leave a bruise, but a great BIG!!! welt.

I love!!! the idea of putting either a shirt/jacket on the back of the chair where our loved one should be sitting, or putting something special that reminds us of our loved one on the table. Although looking at Bob's very favorite mug makes me teary eyed, it also makes me smile, remembering all those times Bob brought me home flowers. I can almost hear his voice at this very minute, saying, "Weeds for the witch," lol... I miss Bob so very much!!!, TUTTAM (couldn't stop myself, I'm becoming way too much a creature of habit, lol...)

As always, sending you and Maggie Joy lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Your heartfelt message made me teary eyed, but only in the very best of ways... You are a big part of the reason why I'm as far along in this journey as I am. I remember you telling me how important it is to keep Bob's memory, Linda's memory, all of the one true loves of our lives memories, alive. I remember how hard it was for me to say, Bob, when you asked me for my husband's first name..., but as painful as it was, seeing his name in print, it also made it so much more real... I couldn't pretend Bob was going to walk through that front door at any minute, any longer. I now knew what my head knew all along, but my heart didn't/couldn't accept... Bob was dead.

It's over the top difficult, so very painful..., sharing memories of the very best days of my life, spent with Bob, my forever knight in shining armor... But, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it also feels good to share stories about Bob with you, with our GIC "family." I have this over the top strong need to keep his memory alive, not only for me, but I want others to remember him too... (I'm not sure if I explained the last sentence quite right, but I'm not going to delete it.)

It makes me happy knowing that my love for Bob shines through my messages... I love and miss him so very much... with all my heart... I NEED!!! another tissue... However, as I just said to Bernadine, I'm no longer dreading the future, just doing my time on earth, until it's finally my time to be reunited with Bob. I'm beginning to look forward to the future. I'm over the top surprised by my feelings, especially today, which has been an over the top difficult one for me. Just as I said to Bernadine, I can't wait to "talk" to you, again, at this time next year... to see how far along each one of us has traveled in this miserable journey...

Although I'm so sad, I'm also experiencing a new kind of peaceful feeling, it's so strange... I can't really put it into words. It's a weird feeling... so sad...,but sort of at peace, all at the same time...

Sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I had just replied to your warm and caring message and it didn't save!! A day so I lost all that I had typed!! So I just wanted to say thank you so very much for your so very kind and caring words!! I appreciate all that you have shared with me, and I will reply in full later on today. You are in my thoughts, and
Take care always, and I'm sending you a zillion hugs as well as wishing you and all of us peace as well!!

 

Helena,

No words of advice, no words of wisdom, just another GIANT!!! virtual hug... As sad as you are, reading this message, makes me feel like you're getting stronger. Although I'm teary eyed reading how much pain you're in, your message also made me smile. You are now able to step away from grieving for short periods of time, finding distractions by creating beautiful drawings, by taking care of your garden, just by being outside getting some much needed fresh air...

You are now living a more balanced life, taking the necessary time to grieve, but also stepping away from this total heartbreak to do things that make you feel better about yourself, about life... This balance between grieving and stepping away from it, is so important for our emotional and physical well being. Gary referred to a balanced existence, as "the secret to life."

Sending you zillions more hugs and lots of love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Debra,

Although I'm always happy to hear from you, please don't feel like you need to respond!!!, TUTTAM!!! Please continue to take the very best care of yourself you possibly can. Whenever you're feeling up to it, I will be here for you.

Sending zillions more hugs and love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. I can relate to pouring out your heart, only to delete the message by accident. BTDT way too many times!!!, TUTTAM!!! It SUCKS!!! Praying tomorrow will be a much better day for you, for your girls...

 

Well, Deb, you did it again , and made me
cry. I'm on creepy Mr. Grief's roller
coaster ride of emotions today, as many
GW are. I don't know what I'd do without
my close friends, like you, on GIC. Before
I joined this site in July of 2021, I felt
lonely & isolated, even among friends.
There was no one who experienced the
death of a soulmate like I had. But, I
did take an action when Linda died, and
that was to move to this friendly small
town, 4 months after her death. There was
no way I'd stay in the apartment bldg,
which both of us hated. I stayed in a motel,
until I found an apartment. I walked into
an open house coffee at the American
Legion Post, even though I'm not a
veteran. I walked up to the oldest man
there, a 92 year old Korean War veteran,
and he asked me to sit down with him &
have coffee. It turned out that his
beloved wife died, also, & we formed a
bond. I've gone to the Legion every
Sat morning ever since. None of this
would've happened if I hadn't taken that
first step. Thank you , Deb, for being
here today, for me and other GW. Lou

 

A GIFT TO SHARE
By Alora M.Knight

I was given a smile the other day
From someone who passed me on their way.
I wasn't sure what I should do.
Perhaps, I'll leave it up to you.

If I should keep it for myself,
Put it on the kitchen shelf.
Then it would be a certainty
To bring some happiness to me.

Somehow that doesn't feel just right
For me to keep it in my sight
When there were others who might need
A waft of warmth, oh yes indeed.

It doesn't take so very much,
A cheerful smile, a gentle touch,
To lift the cloud another bears,
To help them feel somebody cares.

There is one thing we all should know.
A smile is like the candle's glow.
No matter how many candles share
That light, its fullness still is there.

So when I go out on the street,
No matter whom I chance to meet,
If I share with them my precious smile,
Do you think that will be worthwhile?

For hopefully, they too, will understand
That a smile is like a helping hand.
I'm hoping that you will agree
And someday share a smile with me.

 

Catching up on reading all the messages. Very depressed. All I want to do is lay on the bed and eat crushed ice while the radio blathers away. Take care GW friends!

 

Deb,
Thank you so very much foe sending Mr the very biggest virtual hug, as well as for your understanding, empathy, and support!! And although it is hard for me to do sometimes, I do try to keep in the back of my mind that I am healing...
And I'm so very sorry that you've had to give Mr. Grief several swift kicks today because it feels like he is going to do everything he possibly can to drown you in tears... and