Just lost the love of my life

My husband Ron passed on Friday and the tremendous pain and emptiness is unbearable. He was my compass, my partner in all things. What do we do when the person who would be your greatest comfort is the one who is gone? I just want to curl up in his arms and have him tell me it will be ok.

I thought I would be ready; we knew for nine years that he would have a limited amount of time left when he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in Jan of 2013. We were so fortunate to receive the gift of a bilateral lung transplant in October of that year and were told to expect maybe five years at best. We always expected the dreaded rejected or kidney failure from the medications to take him. He was able to avoid rejection and keep from complete kidney failure, but his heart gave out. It was so fast, I took him to the ER on Saturday, on Monday we thought he was improving and on Friday morning he was gone. Never a chance to say goodby. Plenty of I love you but no goodby, no thank you for making me a better person and pushing me to do things I never thought I could do.

I just don't know how to get though one more day without him let alone a year or a decade...

 

Hi Ann,
I just checked in quickly and saw your post.
I’m so sorry your husband died.
My partner died in November, he had been sick for quite some time and I can assure you that feeling of “I thought I’d be ready” is familiar to me.
And “how to get through”. You said a day but it’s so new, start with an afternoon, or an hour. Or a minute, and then one minute more. Others will be along shortly I’m sure. I’ll be back later this evening. ~Bernadine

 

Ann, I'm so sorry about the death of your
husband & soulmate, Ron. I saw the
photo of the 2 of you, & you look like
such a loving, fun couple. You did the
right thing to get on Grief in Common.
GIC has many kind people, who "get it"
more than anyone outside, what it means
not to have one's spouse there physically.
Some of us saw our spouses linger &
knew the end would come, but when it
does come, the horrible sadness is still
there. Others here, saw their spouses
die suddenly. My wife, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me from a pulmonary
embolism. She was 68. We were married
25 years, no children. That was 3 years
ago. My grief counselor, at the time,
suggested GIC, but I didn't join until
July of this year. I'm so glad I did, bc I've
made close friends with widows and
widowers, from all over the country. I
noticed in your info that you live in
sunny, warm Arizona. 3 widows live in
California, & 1 in Oregon. My brother
widowers live in Indiana. Illinois, &
Texas. I live on the northern coast of
Massachusetts. The winter cold, dark
days, & snow, have added to the isolation,
loneliness, & mourning for our soulmates,
& we reach out to comfort each other. Lou

 

Hi Ann. I’m terribly sorry in hearing about you losing Ron. Thank you for making me a better person and pushing me into doing things I thought I could never do. That quote you made described what Cheryl did for me also. Cheryl is my girlfriend and she died suddenly from a cardiac arrest 9 1/2 months ago. Cheryl had no known health issues and there were no warning signs. We had supper the evening before and watched TV together. How little did I know I would become Cheryl‘s first responder the following morning. Shock confusion depression anger and numbness plagued me for 5 months. This is by far the worst thing you will ever experience. I hate to tell you this but you are going to suffer emotionally and physically for a long time. But you are not alone. Take care of yourself by eating sleeping and exercise. Take your medication. Be kind and gentle to yourself like someone you deeply cared about. I countered flashbacks of the event in losing Cheryl by making a collage of Cheryl on my phone of the best places and times we had. When a flashback came I would look at the collage and tell myself this was a short time period in our lives. I joined an in person grief support meeting in a larger community that has 2 meetings a month. I started therapy also. There was a huge time gap between talking with someone who understands grief. Luckily I found GIC 5 months ago. This site is better than any of my friends or family because we know what it is like to lose the most important person in our life. I hope you stay and meet some wonderful people who care about you and share their sufferings and hope with you. Gary

 

I am so sorry for your loss. Being here with people that understand what you are going through will help you get through. I no if feels like the end of the world right now. Reach out and lean on us. Your loss is very fresh so take deep breaths and get as much fresh air as possible. I pray for your strength today and each day to come.

 

Ann, I'm so very sorry for your loss, this is a very sad road to go, I really feel for you!, but I'm glad that you found GIC where you'll find very conforting people. For me, this site it's kepping me going and hope you will find the same, also get to know us the 'Griving Warriors', we all are here to listen and confort each other.
Helena

 

Ann, my heart hurts reading your loss. I lost my husband 1 year ago to cancer. I was his caregiver for about 9 months before he died at home with hospice. I was not able to say goodbye. I was in the kitchen when he passed in the living room. I could kick myself for that, but we can't say, " I should of". We did our best.
It was about a month after he passed I found this site and have been on it ever since. I truly think without this forum which has helped me not to feel so alone, reading about everyone's loss and knowing exactly how they feel has been my most blessing. Family and friends just don't get it, no one gets it unless they have lost a love one. If you can stay with us I think you will, eventually, find comfort and a little peace. My name is Karen, keep holding on.

 

Karen, once again, I have nothing to add
to your moving words. As I've said many
times, you, ( formerly known as the
woman with the broken arm) & Patti
were the first GW to welcome me. You & I
have come a long way since then. With
help from GIC, my new musician friends
at the Whale's Jaw Cafe ( which is better
than the Shack, bc it has live music),and
my friends on the Neck, I decided to
thank my therapist,& say goodbye today.
With spring coming, I will be able to walk
more ( the long range forecast says that
there should be no more snow). I'm also
thankful to God that I recovered from
COVID,& feel fine. Things are finally
getting back to normal in Massachusetts.
It's good to see smiling faces, without
masks again. I feel bad for you in
California, that you're not there yet. Lou

 

Not sure what you meant, "not there yet". I take it as wearing masks. We up north do not have to wear masks. Or is it the percentage of Covid cases?
Anyway, back to you. Yap, Patti and I were the first and I'm so glad we three stuck it out and stayed. I'm so happy for you finding another hang out at the Whale's Cafe, with music too. Most of all YOU'RE ON THE MEND, hooray! It's been a very long time since Christmas, but you beat it. Now let's see what the new year brings for you. Always, blessing Lou. Your old friend, Karen

 

Ann,

I HATE!!! every time I have to say this because words seem so shallow, especially at times like this, but I hope you know how very sorry I am..., that the one true love of your life, Ron, died so very recently. Like you, I knew for a long time my husband, Bob,'s days on earth were going to be cut short, but even knowing this, when he passed away, it seemed so surreal..., I was totally unprepared for his death. Bob suffered from many serious health issues, all treated as chronic medical conditions, controlled by medication. By the time he died, over 10 months ago, he had a specialist for just about every body part. I became his full time caregiver in the beginning of 2018, and remained his full time caregiver, up until the time the day he died, April 11, 2021, at 3:45 a.m. It doesn't matter whether our loved ones deaths' were expected, or sudden, the total heartbreak is the same for all of us. It SUCKS!!!

Like you, Karen, and so many others, I didn't have the opportunity to say good bye to Bob. Rationally I know he knew how much I loved him, and I know how much he loved me, but and this is a really BIG BUT!!!, all those things I wanted to say..., I will NEVER be able to say to him. All those would have's, could have's, should have's, are so NOT!!! helpful!!! As Karen said to you, "We did our best," we need to forgive ourselves for not being with the one true love of our lives at the time of their deaths. We must forgive ourselves in order to heal.

Ron helped make you the person who you are today... He will always hold the biggest place in your heart. I believe that although Ron can't be here with you physically, he is watching over you, just as I believe Bob is watching over me. Lou, one of my GIC friends recommended "Permission To Mourn: A New Way To Do Grief," by Tom Zuba. Tom Zuba believes if we're open to signs from our loved ones, they will let us know they are watching over us. I've had many signs from Bob. While it is comforting to know Bob is watching over me, it's also way beyond sad... so bittersweet..., as all of life will be from now on..., right up until the moment I'm reunited with Bob. Love is eternal. I know none of what I just said makes you feel any better, but I hope one day, after the shock, the newness, begins to wear off, you will get a little comfort too, knowing that even though Ron can't be here with you physically, he is always watching over you. Love is eternal.

So much more I want to say to you, but my thoughts are all over the place because I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted, so stopping here (for now). I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to. I have made many friends here, friends who "get" it, who are always ready to "listen," to share their feelings and experiences, offer advice, and give lots of virtual hugs. This is a judgement free place. You can take our advice or leave it. We will be here for you no matter what. I hope this will become your safe place, just as it's become mine. I hope you stick around and get to "know" us, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you.

The friends I've made here are priceless... I don't believe in coincidences. I believe all of us found each other, to help each other get through the very darkest, most painful days of our lives... I pray for strength for all of us daily.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen, I meant that schoolchildren in your
state STILL have to wear masks all day in
school, even though they are the LEAST
likely to have COVID. Even though Linda
& I didn't have children, I'm outraged at
the psychological harm & stunted
learning of these children. As much as I
miss ( & sometimes cry) over Linda's
death, I'm glad she didn t have to live
through COVID, & see the hypocrisy of
so called adults. Case in point: At a
recent SAG awards show in L.A, the
actors didn't have to wear masks, but
their help did. The fact that children
are treated like criminals, makes me
mad. But, as Deb would say, I'll get off
my soapbox now! Thank you for your
encouraging words, Karen. Lou

 

Just today Newsom has released children in school from wearing masks. I don't know about other countries thou. Yes, I agree about children wearing masks.

 

Karen, call me cynical, but isn't it a bit
strange that he waited until NOW! How
convenient, now that parents are angry.
I can't forget when he ate, maskless, in
that expensive French Laundry
restaurant!! Lou

 

Yes, I agree, it's strange but politicians have their own agenda and they use it. Even though he was up for recall people still voted him in, it was a close race but it's the people who voted. Now, I hope they are eating their words. Enough of politics. That's not what we are here for and I apologize.

 

Karen, I agree with you that GIC should
not turn political. My point is that Linda
hated hypocrisy, with a passion, and was
spared an even worse world now, than when
she left it. Linda was also a compassionate
protector of innocent children, like her
younger brother, who died of a rare
illness, at 10. She never got over it, bc she
was only 12. Also, we had to take care of
a mini poodle bc her parents didn't
want her anymore. When we had to
bring the dog to the kennel, for adoption,
bc we were on the road,Linda was
heartbroken & never forgave her parents.
Well, I realize Linda had much more
sadness than I did. Sorry to tell such
a tale of woe. I'm ready for your laugh
thread. Lou

 

We all die with regrets. But, when we get to heaven nothing on earth or a human life matters anymore. So, Linda is in the best place no worries, no pain.

 

Well, Lou I'm reading this again and started to laugh at the known, "Woman with the broken arm".

 

As a Californian, I believe that Newsom is a hypocrite, he actually ate maskless at that restaurant, when he, himself repeatedly stressed the importance of EVERYONE over 2 years old, or people exempt because of their medical condions....
Debra

 

Hi Ann, my name is Debra, and I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. And I know first hand how you feel, the extremely painful grief amd emptiness is unbearable! And it truly is the worst thing ever to lose the love of our lives!! I lost my husband on Feb 11th, 2022, and I am having an extremely difficult time eating and sleeping, but at the sane time, I have two daughters that I need to take care of, and so I have to try every day to keep going, which has been VERY difficult for me... and I do feel like when my husband died, a HUGE part of me died with him!!
And it is so good that you found this site, because there are very kind, and so very caring people here who are so supportive.
And please feel free to reach our to me anytime...
Take care always,
Debra