Alex,
I "get" what you mean when you said David was "your other half but yet my whole." I feel this way about Bob too. I think Karen said once when "talking" ab0ut her husband, Jack, that she feels like a piece of her went with him when he died. I know a piece of me went with Bob. All of this SUCKS!!! But, I refuse to let Mr. Grief destroy today. As Bernadine said to me not long ago, I refuse to let today be a "sucky day." (??? Not sure if I got this right. I HATE!!! this foggy widow brain.
I know our strong belief in God will get us through these over the top dark days... When I'm at my very saddest, when Mr. Grief feels like he's going to suffocate the life right out of me, I think about one of Bob's favorite expressions, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." Bob found something to be grateful for each and every day, no matter how much pain he was in, even though for many months he spent so much time in his recliner, too tired and weak to be able to do much of anything. The TV and his phone became his world. He watched travel shows all the time. He visited exotic places he wanted to take me, but I know he knew, even though he didn't admit it, that he wasn't going to be able to. He watched lots of travel shows and documentaries about Alaska, the place Bob and I had been looking forward to visiting after he retired. He would excitedly talk about our future, once in a lifetime, dream vacation... I need a tissue!!! Just had to kick Mr Grief (thanks, Lou!!!) super hard.
Backing way up, what I was going to say before I began getting off track is that life is a gift. As sick as Bob was, he was so grateful to God for every second he was on this earth... More than anything else, just as Robin wants Ron to be proud of her, I want Bob to be proud of me. I feel guilty, although I know guilt is a totally useless emotion, every day I spend being over the top sad... I know grieving is necessary in order to heal, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!! I feel as though I need to enjoy life the very best I possibly can, for both Bob and myself. He worked so hard to be able to provide a good retirement for us... Then was forced to stop working, and didn't get to enjoy any of the so called "golden years." I need another tissue... Mr. Grief is relentless today, but he IS NOT!!! going to destroy today!!!
Before getting out of bed every morning, I find something to be grateful for, I pray for strength for not just me, but for all of us, the strength to continue healing..., no matter what path God has in store for us. I do the very best I can to make each day, although filled with intermittent grief (thanks Lou!!!) a good one. This is by far one of the most challenging things I've had to do!!!, TUTTAM!!!
However, having said all of this, something good has come out of all this total heartbreak. I know I'm repeating myself, but I truly am amazed at how strong a person I've become. Robin told me, has told all of TGW, that we are much stronger than we think we are. It took awhile for me to realize this. As sad as I am, it's a good feeling knowing I'm fully capable of navigating this world alone. I think I've become a much more caring person, a much better friend. I now appreciate all of the small things in life that I used to take for granted.... smiles..., laughs..., sunshine..., a cool ocean breeze..., dog kisses..., flowers..., etc., etc. etc... I will NEVER!!! take for granted any of life's simplest, but absolutely!!!, the very best!!!, pleasures again!!! (A little variety is always a good thing.)
Backing up a bit, I seemed to get off track so very easily, lol..., what I want to say to you is that in the beginning of this miserable journey, and even many months into it (it varies for each one of us), it is "normal" to be very forgetful, aka "foggy widow/widower brain," and lose all confidence in ourselves, in our ability to take care of ourselves. We have just suffered the very worst kind of unimaginable pain, the total heartbreak of losing our "person...." As Robin would tell you, and I believe too, you are much stronger than you think you are!!!, TUTTAM!!!
Please continue to be very gentle with yourself. It is not only okay, but necessary, to let yourself spend days in your pj's, the biggest accomplishment, just getting out of bed. As I think I already said to you, even on the very saddest of days, when Mr. Grief refuses to let go of his over the top tight grasp on you, you are healing. Tom Zuba says this in "Permission To Mourn," and I think he also said this in "Becoming Radiant." When I had days like this, I kept repeating over and over and over again, in my head, "I AM!!! healing, I AM healing...!!!," etc, etc, etc,..., attempting to put a positive spin on all this pain...
To refer to Robin again, she says it's important to note that healing takes place so slowly, that it's hard to see at first. From personal experience, I found this to be true. After a little over a year, I have days where I actually experience pockets of happiness, although not to sugar coat anything, every day has many moments of sadness..., lots of tears... Life is over the top bittersweet, but beats being just over the top sad. In time, you will begin to slowly feel better too. To repeat, you ARE!!! doing all the hard work grieving forces you to do, you are a true GW!!!, TUTTAM!!!
I believe Dave is watching over you, just as Bob is watching over me. I think Dave would already be so proud of you... YOU ARE HEALING!!!, TUTTAM!!! We'll be here to help you as you stumble and fall along this miserable path (for lack of a better word), the path that not one of us would have chosen to take. It SUCKS!!!
Backing way up, congratulations on your son's over the top HUGE!!! accomplishment!!!, graduating from the Sheriff's Academy... especially during this most heartbreaking time in his life... Smiling big time for you..., for your son... I know your heart must be bursting with pride...
As always, sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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