Alex,
Your husband's death (I'm so sorry, I either forgot, foggy widow brain SUCKS!!!, or since I've been MIA for awhile, don't know your husband's name), is so very recent... Please... be extra gentle with yourself. As I think Gary has said, and I agree, you are going through the very worst time. The first few months, especially those first few months were the absolute worst!!!, TUTTAM!!!, the most heartbreaking time in my entire life... I "get" it. It SUCKS!!!
I'm so glad you're sticking with us and have become part of our GIC "family." In time, life does get better, never the same, it never could be as good as it once was, without the one true love of our lives here to share it with us, but it will improve. You are doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do. Plus, you have a very positive attitude. I agree, take things "one day at a time", one minute at a time, if necessary. In the very beginning of this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), I forced myself to find something to be grateful for every day before I got out of bed, even if it was only that I was still able to get out of bed.
Now, a year later, I'm finding it so much easier to find things to be grateful for each and every day. I'm beginning to rediscover who I am now that I'm no longer part of a couple. I'm beginning to find my way in the world, alone, and for the first time ever, confident in my decisions, knowing I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. It's a wonderful feeling, but so very bittersweet, all at the same time... You will get here too. You have already begun to heal, even if you don't realize it (yet). As Robin has so beautifully said, "healing happens so slowly, you won't recognize it at first, but it does happen!!!," or something similar to this. We'll be with you every step of the way.
I've added you to my daily prayers... I pray for strength for all of our GIC "family," the strength necessary to confront all those miserable battles with Mr. Grief, to be able to continue to heal, trusting God will lead each one of us down the path that is best for us. I've become a much more religious person since Bob's death. I know God has a plan for all of us... In time we will discover what it is.
Even at your most difficult moments, when it takes every single ounce of strength you have, just to get out of bed, you are healing. You must feel all this over the top pain... let your emotions out..., be present in the moment, no matter how difficult it is. It is only through grieving that we are able to heal. There is no escaping Mr. Grief, sooner or later he WILL!!! catch up with you, the reason it's so necessary to confront him head on. However, it's also necessary to take breaks from grieving whenever possible. As Gary has said, the secret to life is moderation, (or something similar to this.) (I learn so much from all of TGW.. Each member of our "family" helps me grow, continue to grow, become a better version of myself, each and every day.) So, on those days when you're able to, give Mr. Grief a good swift kick in the ass, and be present in the moment, whether it's enjoying some fresh air and sunshine, or a hot cup of herbal tea on a chilly evening...
Beginning to ramble and I want to do some errands, so stopping here (for now.)
As always, sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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