Its OK to not Be OK

3/27/22: That the the title of the grief book I've been reading for the past couple weeks. I am not ok. I am in severe pain and depression. But that is ok because you went through the most traumatick surreal moment of a crazy life for 34 years. You world is over... you figure out how to stop the inane suffering and grab at raw grief and fight it every single day. That has been my world. Can barely get out of bed... the sanctuary of the comfort prison of my bedroom cell! A lot of energy this strangeness! It takes a lot of Energy!

 

You’re right it’s zaps all the energy right of you. And you’re left with a shell of yourself, that you can’t even recognize. But yes. It is most definitely ok to not be ok. We need to tell ourselves that every day. Praying for you and the strength to keep on keeping on.
❤️ Robin

 

George, I don't have much to add to
Robin's words. You were married a long
time, almost half your life. It is cruel
that you have to be alone now, without
Valerie. You said you can "barely" get
out of bed, which means you CAN get out
of bed. I read somewhere that if you are
really depressed & don't want to




walk outside, put your shoes by the
door, & put your clothes out the night
before, so you don't have to waste time
thinking about it in the morning. Just
walk out the door, even if it's cold. Lou

 

George, I am praying strength for you along with Robin and all others.
Hugs, love to you and all TGW “Family”. Patti

 

I appreciate the calls o strength! I find it so hard and thwarting to do stuff these last 4 or so weeks!

 

Sup Bro? I found a free site that has several guided meditations. Get on your computer immediately and type in “self compassionate guided practices and exercises” by Kristin Neff. Then sit down relax and listen. This will soothe your troubled mind. Gary

 

That's true. I like to just lay in bed but I do get up and do stuff. It is just so hard. I am not Ok but that's the way it is after the trauma of a year ago.. It had to get so cold! 20s and windy again. At least some warm March sun today. I keep on trying! Thanks Bro!

 

Cool soothing the troubled mind with some Chick Corea and the first version of Return To Forever. Will check out the medits! Thanks man!

 

3/28/22
Always in DysBurbia (dystopian subUrbia...) Berms and curbs and stuff,,, What games shall we play today... Try shaving itz only been three months!

 

Good morning, George,
Shaving seems perfect for a monday morning.
A worthy mission for a grief warrior, Go bravely young knight!
Did you get outside this weekend?
~Bernadine

 

George, As reading your post I TRULY feel your pain. Reading everyone's response to you -- so perfectly said, so compassionate, so caring, there is strength and support in everyone's response. Close your eyes and envision being in a circle of light, a bubble of protection. Warrior's fight and you will get through this. Stay upright George.

 

Robin, you are right on. It zaps, left with a shell that you can't recognize. I was there and I'm still there -- a shell. I'm going to put your words in my journal.

 

George,

I'm getting here late, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it made me feel so good to see how many of TGW have been here for you already... It made me teary eyed, but only in the best of ways... TGW have become such an important part of my life!!!, of all of our lives... Our GIC friends have said it all... I love!!! all the advice and support you've been given... I really can't think of anything to add to what has already been said.

I love!!! that even though you're feeling so down and are in so much pain, you ARE getting out of bed, you ARE trying your very hardest to keep on moving forward. You are TUGW!!!, TUTTAM!!! Similar to the advice Lou gave you, I've slept in my workout clothes during some of the very worst moments, when just getting out of bed seemed to zap me of all the energy I had for the entire day. Being already dressed, ready to go, made it much easier to walk out the front door, hit the pavement. As my very favorite HIIT instructor told my class years ago, when I was still able to do it all, you'll never regret doing a workout. I've found this to be true, whether it was an HIIT class, running, or spinning, years ago, or much more recently, walking.

I love that Gary provided you with some self guided meditations. I want to check them out too. Robin and Karen, as always, provided you with some words of wisdom, so perfectly stated, short, but powerful... Bernadine offered the kind of support that only those of us who have BTDT could possibly understand... And Patti... our spiritual leader as Gary once called her (?, I HATE!!! this foggy widow brain), praying so hard, daily, for all of us... I think I can safely say for all of us that we appreciate those prayers more than Patti will ever know... Each and every one of those prayers is being heard...

Adding more prayers for you, for TGW, and all of my GIC friends, praying for strength to get you, and all of us through, the very darkest days of our lives, as we continue to bravely move forward...


Sending you zillions of hugs..., lots of love..., and wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

No words of wisdom..., no advice..., just zillions of hugs and love being sent your way...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I LOVE!!! this!!!, TUTTAM!!! My friend who became a widow a little over a year before I did, sent me a very disturbing article that was in the NY Times recently, "How Long Should It Take To Grieve? Pyschiatry Has Come Up With An Answer," Published March 18, 2022, Updated March 25, 2022. It is about a new controversial diagnosis called prolonged grief disorder. In a nutshell, according to this diagnosis, grief is a mental illness when we remain "stuck and miserable" after one year. After one year, it is no longer considered "normal grief." WTF???!!! We ARE not broken!!! We CANNOT be fixed!!!

The only positive in all of this is that it is such a controversial diagnosis. Dr. Alan Wolfelt disagrees with this controversial diagnosis. He stated his opinion on his website, Center for Loss & Life Transition. (I just spent the past twenty minutes trying to find where his response is, but can't locate it a second time. Although I can't find it, I still have the text I sent my friend and want to share his response with everyone.) Dr. Wolfelt said, "I disagree with this diagnosis and the term "disorder" because they pathologize the normal human response to an abnormally difficult loss. Yet I also thought it important to tell you about this diagnostic terminology in case you hear it from your therapist or someone else. In some situations, the diagnosis may even be necessary for your insurance to cover your therapy. What's more, your complicated grief may overlap with clinical depression and/or anxiety disorder. No matter what, I want you to remember that grief and mourning are healthy, normal responses to loss." WTG!!! Dr. Wolfelt.

I think it is so important for us to tell ourselves daily, as you so perfectly worded it, "It is ok to not be ok." As always, thank you for sharing your very perceptive way of explaining this to us.

Sending you and Teddy lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I read that article and I'm bending towards Dr. Wolfelt's disagreement of NY Times. And I disagree with the article that after one year it's no longer considered "normal grief.". There should be no time limit.

 

Hey the Deb// I do keep on trying despite how much pain I'm in. Started with a new counselor. He seems pretty cool. It's expensive but I'm worth it. Had two sessions. Someone I can talk to. Everyone keeps saying I need talk therapy. we'll see. Managed tom shave first time since early feb. Thatz progress right! ? >>>>
Zillion LoveLotz to you!!!!!

 

One year?
Grieve more than one year and Then grief becomes complicated, unnatural, unhealthy?
Wow, what an interesting world we’ve morphed into. Gotta love the medical model pigeon holing every little aspect of living.
Life is birth and death, the most normal, unavoidable things humans have always encountered. And yes, they are both messy and hard…..
One year? (Apparently, in disbelief, I had to ask that again)
~B

 

I am grieving like never before!

 

I'm so sorry George! You still here, please take care of yourself, this grieving journey is too painfull for all of us!!!
Helena