At present time I'm at my parents house cleaning it out after there passing suddenly. My mom in December 2022 my dad july 2023 and my son April 2021. And other close family members. It's been really hard going through my parents things. It's like reliving my entire life because they kept everything. And in turn reliving my son sudden passing with coming across his stages of life in pictures, cards and letters he wrote to his grandparents. Also having to support my daughter who witnessed her brother pass and was helpless to do anything even though she is a RN. So she blames herself for not being able to save him she says she should have known what was going on with him. and is now going through trama because of it. My son died of a enlarged heart which no one was aware of. I'm at a stage where I'm having trouble thinking clearly, doing anything really. I start things then get this overwhelming feeling and then my brain just shuts down and I'm done for the day. Daily living is an ordeal as well I can't make decisions on the smallest task. Everyone looks to me to be the rock when inside I'm just a nerve trying to look like I'm together so they don't freak out anymore then they already do. I don't know how much longer I can keep this face on. If I think about my son I just get totally freaked out because he is gone. I'll never see his smiling face or his famous words " did you know" which would lead to a lesson in facts about whatever he thought was interesting and there was alot. Man, I miss that so much.
I am sorry for your multiple losses with, of course, your son being the hardest. i still can't look at pictures or items belonging to my son without a heavy heart so I try not to look at those things because I know it is going to upset me. I know what you mean about your brain shutting down. I had to think what was the first step in fixing a grilled cheese sandwich. Another day I found myself standing in the middle of my office just staring and thinking. I later wondered how that looked to people passing by, but it really doesn't matter because I know how it looked. I was completely lost and just kept waiting for God to 'find me and fix me' and He did-but it was a long slow process. Don't expect too much out of yourself because that is impossible. Just do the little things you can each day It is unnecessary for you to keep up a front for others. You are the one who is suffering so much and people around you should be trying to support you if they can. You can't carry the heavy burden of trying to look like you have it altogether, because you are already carrying the extremely heavy burden of grief. It is an overwhelming thing especially when the loss of a child is involved.We will never forget those so so special things about our child. They were a unique gift given to us by God, but the time had come for them to move on. You can see your son again if you have faith in what God tells us in the scriptures. Try reading your Bible because it is a source of comfort, especially the Psalms. Some of them really speak about us as if they were written for such a time as this. Hang onto hope with all of your might, because sometimes it is the only thing that keeps us going. I am glad for what you said about the difficulty making decisions. It made me realize that I am not the only one struggling with that. May God help you to get through all of this nightmare. We are here for you. We care and we understand how hard it is. We are not a mighty fortress on our own power-trust in Jesus and He will carry you through. He did that for me so I know He can be a source of strength for you also. Love, Chris
I had to go to my mother and brothers apartment yesterday and today. I started 3 things and then spun around in a circle and then got emotional and overwhelmed. I am trying not to argue with my significant other who always want me to cook and of course I have to clean my own house every day and do laundry and work etc. I did not tell him but in the last couple of weeks I hired 2 organizers and a extra muscles guy to help me with my things and my mom and brothers things. It wasn't that expensive. You can get someone to tackle something for you for like $60 an hour if you have some extra cash. I have never had to do this before and always kept things so clean and organized. Not perfect. In the last 6months since my brother passed and then my Mom 2 weeks and 5 days ago, I became very cluttered and needed help. I am so glad now I did it and ya know what I said if the other half found out and didn't understand oh well. I also am the one that has to keep it all together and put on the brave face. I am not good with in person emotions, but I can type how I think and feel with ease. I did start with a one-on-one therapist and also went to a grief group one time so far. It helped ME. I realized I needed it for when my other half is at work, and I am by myself. I am reading the grief share book and it is helping me in the mornings which are hard. I do know EXACTLY what you mean by looking at a lifetime of photos and all of a sudden you are there in the past with your loved ones reliving your whole life and I get so emotional. It's like sometimes I can look, and it is a nice experience but then that emotional turmoil comes in to make me sad they are not with me now. I do agree sometimes you just can't look to save yourself in order to live yourself in that day. After I came back today from their apartment I had a grief attack, I had been in all of their belongings! My other half knocked on the door, but I had locked it. I said sorry I am in pain right now. He said OK. I felt my feelings and then came out and now I come in here to type about it. This is how it has been going. If I do get a reprieve from the heavy grief, it is the Grace of God carrying me I know! It is HIS GRACE and MERCY. I pray hope for healing to all. xoxo ~Heather
I am so glad you see that it is okay for you to have feelings. I am glad you had enough spirited initiative to tell the other person that you were in pain and needed some time alone. I tried to hide all my feelings from my husband because he said he couldn't stand to see me cry and after awhile he just got mad if I did. So I would go in the closet or bathroom so he wouldn't see me. I would try to hold everytihing in by holding my breath, but this was far from healthy. One day my massage therapist told me I needed to breathe. I hadn't told him so I guess he could tell from my physical state. I don't think it is right or fair for another person to expect us not to grieve. If our attachment was strong enough, it will be a very painful time and they should allow us that at least. It is normal to have abnormal feelings and we shouldn't have to apologize because we have a heart. I more than identify with your statement that you are the one who has to hold it altogether and put on a brace face. Because we are strong, people expect more from us. It is so hard, isn't it? I am glad you got some help getting things organized and moved. It was wise. Take care of yourself. A lot has been put on you and you are doing so good. Yes, God is the only one who can carry us through these trying times. He loves us and is always there for us-ever faithful. Chris
