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It was a tough day

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by RecentlyLost9672, Jun 23, 2021.

  1. I think the days are actually getting harder. Today was especially hard. It was my wife's birthday. It has only been a little over a month since her passing. The first 2 weeks were a blur of family and funeral arrangements and the next 2 were kind of a blur with kids and all the legal crap coming at me and now I think it is starting to settle a little and the disbelief and shock are wearing off and the reality is setting in. I had to leave the house to run "errands" quite a bit today and I would get in the car and just start to cry. I can't imagine the next 30 years without her. I know there is no guarantee I will make it to my mid 80's but everyone in my family makes it that far and beyond and I am pretty healthy so... She always told me, since I met her almost 30 years ago that she was going to die when she was 52. Once she made it past that it was always the joke that we were on borrowed time. Now just 2 years later she is ACTUALLY gone. I never really believed that she would leave me this early. We both kind of knew she would go first but I never really thought I would have to spend the last third of my life alone and without her. My whole life was planned on her being a part of it. We just started to look for where we were going to live next. We could retire from teaching in 3 years and our life as an old married couple was about to begin. Visiting kids and grandkids, taking trips, going on walks... All of it now gone. I am SOOOOO sad. I have never really been alone. I guess I am not alone quite yet but my youngest is 16 so it won't be long. And no matter how supportive kids are, they are not her! This has been the hardest day since that first few days after. I hope they don't keep getting worse. I miss her so much.

    I pray that she wasn't in pain and that she isn't in pain now. I pray that she is in a peaceful place and that she is with her mom and dad. I pray that she will be there waiting for me. But I know she would want me to take my time getting there. I need to be here for my kids and to continue what we started - our family - over 20 years ago.

    Laurie, if you can hear, see or read this, know I LOVE you with all my heart and that I will do my best to make you proud. BE IN PEACE MY LOVE!
     
    SisLDS, AMC and Sweetcole like this.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. I know how special dates are even more emotional, draining and painful. I just went through what would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. It’s so hard. But like you mention, I pray Ron is watching over me and proud that I’m his wife. I honor him every single day, we spent 47 yrs together and we were together 24/7. I was sure I’d go first, but it didn’t happen that way. He was taken suddenly, from a massive heart attack. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I miss him every minute of every day. We had a wonderful life, I miss that life. Your wife sounds lovely and it sounds like you shared a wonderful life too. Everything you’re feeling is normal, it’s such a bumpy journey we got thrown into. And your loss is so resent. Try to take care yourself, Laurie would want that. One day one hour or one moment at a time. Thinking too far ahead becomes overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I’m much stronger and in a better place now, but it’s still emotional, and I still miss him. It’s just not as constant. I’m sure you honored her in some way today and I hope you got through today with some memories with some happier times. I know that’s hard too. Keep your kids close, get fresh air each day and visit this site. It does help a lot.
    Wishing you all the best, Robin
     
  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you had such a tough day. Unfortunately, the more time that goes by, the more I miss my husband. I can't even begin to imagine my future without him. I don't even know who I am without him. Somehow, I don't know how, we will find our way along this path that not one of us would have chosen to be on. But, right now, the future just seems like a very dark, scary, lonely place... I'm so sorry I don't have anything positive to say. I just want you to know, I understand. Sending you hugs, wishing you, all of us peace...
     
  4. AMC

    AMC New Member

    My husband has only been gone 12 days and I cannot imagine how I will do this for 30 or 40 more years. I loved him with my whole heart and we had so many plans for our future. I don’t care to do any of it now. Not without him. I’m so sad and although I have a robust support system, I lay here at night and going forward doesn’t seem possible. Then the morning comes and I can do it again. It’s absolutely exhausting to put this much effort into making it through my days. They say it gets better but I can’t see that at the moment.
     
  5. AMC -

    It has been 2 1/2 months now and honestly I still sometimes think she will still be there next to me when I wake up or she will walk through the door. But I know deep down she is only going to be there in my heart and soul. I too think about another 30 years without her. I understand where you stand. But I also have noticed that even though everything in my life change in that blink of an eye, in the same way, nothing changed. Life just kept moving forward. I am sometimes not moving with it but being dragged, but the sun does keep coming up. My kids still need me to help them. The lawn didn't stop growing. I had to just get up and keep moving along with life. It is not the life I had before but for almost everyone else and everything else on this earth nothing changed. So I am now starting to move with life and move forward. I talk to my wife everyday. I talk to her in my head when I am around others but I talk out loud to her driving in the car and every night at bedtime. I ask her the same questions I would have asked if she was here. I greet her every morning when I get up, I say goodnight as I turn out the light. I go to sleep hugging and snuggling her pillow and most mornings I awake with her (the pillow) still in my arms. So she is still with me. She is still part of my life. She is constantly in my thoughts and she is with me because she is who changed me and made me into the man I am today. I made dinner tonight with her help. I used what I learned from watching her and from her teaching me during our marriage. I cannot escape her even if I wanted to but I don't want to, I embrace everything about me that is her. She was and still is a part of me, my life, my kids, everything. So I go forward knowing that no matter how long it is before I meet up with her in whatever comes after this physical life that she is with me and will always be with me. It doesn't matter if that is 30 or 40 years. I still get sad. I still cry. But I also smile. I talk about her all the time in conversations and don't try to hide her away or not bring her up. It does get easier but it is never easy. Everyone is different and it might take you longer to get back in the flow of life but just know he is there with you. He helped make you the person you are today. He is you. So you are never without him. Find what helps you connect. I use the pillow and conversation and I buy her flowers just like I did when she was here. I still do things because of her and because I think it is what she would want or because it would make her happy. I hope she is watching and that it does make her smile.

    I hope that helps a little. I know it helped me and still does to just write on here and to talk. To myself, to her, to anyone. Just know you are not alone.

    I pray you find peace.

    Mike
     
    cjpines likes this.
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Having a good support system is so helpful. Accept any help that is offered. Nights are the worst for most of us, sleep is next to impossible and the loneliness is overwhelming. Your loss is so resent, I know you can’t think clear, probably not eating. Make lists of things so you’re not constantly thinking I need to do this or that. Write it down and add things like brush your teeth so you have things to cross off your list. Your husband will always be with you. He’s a part of you and he helped make you the person you are today. Is that enough, no but it’s something. And we’ve each had wonderful years with our spouses and wonderful memories that eventually will bring a smile. I lost Ron suddenly to a massive heart attack. Took him from our wonderful life in 2 hours with no warning. Was never sick. We were together 24/7, owned a business we ran together that I had to empty and close. We were as one. I talk to him every single day and honor him each day. I made a memorial garden for him. It keeps me busy and I know he’d love it. Make sure you get fresh air each day, it does help. And talk about him on this site and with your support system . Let the tears happen they’re cathartic. Take care of yourself, you know your husband would you to. I know Ron is with me, I feel his presence and that comforts me. Your husband is with you too. Don’t push yourself to do things most things can wait. Know that you’re not alone. There’s a whole community of people on this site who understand your pain and help each as best we can.
    sending you hugs! Robin
     
  7. DonCon20

    DonCon20 Well-Known Member

     
  8. DonCon20

    DonCon20 Well-Known Member

    I do understand….I lost my husband 3 weeks tomorrow. Married 49 years. He fell with a brain bleed. I miss him greatly. I cry in the car, house, outside, grocery store. It is a loss that hurts deep inside of you. He left me his dog. Gizzy is on tranquility. He is so depressed. We are alone in a big house with each other. I plan on moving. I am starting grief counseling next week at a local church. I am on tranquility now short term also. We both will live the days one at a time. I am here to talk. We can share our days…
     
    Van Gogh likes this.
  9. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I LOST MY HUSBAND 9 MONTHS AGO AND HIS CAT IS ALSO DEPRESSED. WONT LET ME OUT OF HIS SIGHT.

    ITS SO NEW YOUR LOSS. THE DAYS ARE HARD, KEEP PRAYING FOR STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH EACH DAY. KAREN
     
    Van Gogh likes this.
  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Karen, for comforting
    Don Con 20 and me, while you are in
    intense mourning for Jack. I find that
    it helps to say Linda's name, and even to
    quote her funny phrases to other people.
    However, Grief in Common is also
    unearthing feelings of guilt. After we
    retired, Linda & I were together 24/7.
    We enjoyed the day to day pleasures of
    eating at home, or out, watching TV,
    and, most of all, talking & joking with
    each other. We were soulmates. I feel
    I've lost part of my soul. When Linda
    was in the hospital, & then, the rehab./
    nursing home, I couldn't be with her at
    night, and I felt guilty. Did I hug her
    enough, or show affection? She would
    wonder where I went sometimes. I'm
    crying a lot this am. Soon, I will push
    myself out the door, on this sunny day,
    after a gloomy, rainy day yesterday. I will
    bring my phone, in case my friends, like
    you, try to email with me. Hope you &
    your cat are giving each other some love. L
     
  11. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    MY CAT, RAMBO, KEEPS ME ALIVE AND MOVING. HE'S 15 NOW. I COULD'D BEAR HIS LOSS NOW. HE IS A LOVER.
     
  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Looks like you & I are having a
    rough patch of this am. Rambo is a great name. I remember the 1st movie.
    I can't wait 'til you can go outside. That's
    my only reason to get out of bed, even if
    it's raining. It's & 80 degrees today, so
    there's no excuse not to go out & see
    nature & talk with my friends. I always
    feel better. L
     
  13. oneman

    oneman Well-Known Member

    I lost my wife six weeks ago. I can understand the difficulty of not being able to sleep.
    And when I run errands and get groceries, it's not the same. We always did all those simple things, the everyday things, together. It was such a joy just to talk in a grocery store about what kind of salad to make, or which bread to get for sandwiches. Or when we would put together a meal each evening. It's those things I miss the most. And yes, the house feels empty.
    After three decades life has completely changed.
     
  14. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    YOU MADE MY HEART MELT. ALL THE SIMPLE THINGS WE TOO DID TOGETHER. ITS BEEN 9 MONTHS NOW SINCE JACK LEFT EARTH AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE HE'S GONE.
    FOR WEEKS I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS SO DIZZY ALL DAY, TO THE POINT I COULDN'T DRIVE. I WASN'T EATING. I'M BETTER NOW. JUST ANOTHER SYMPTOM OF GRIEF WANTING TO DESTROY ME. I HAVE FAMILY WHO LOVES ME, I SHALL LIVE FOR THEM UNTIL I MEET JACK AGAIN.

    I HOPE THIS FORUM HELPS YOU TO KNOW WE ALL ARE NOT ALONE. PRAYING FOR PEACE.
     
  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    JACK LOVED TO GO TO COSTCO AND ANY GROCERY STORE AND HAD TO BE IN CHARGED OF PUSHING THE CART. I TAGGED ALONG. SO MANY TIMES WE WOULD LOSE EACH OTHER, I WOULD TELL HIM TO SLOW DOWN I WANT TO LOOK MORE. HIS GREATEST PLEASURE WAS FOOD. I WOULD SAY WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE ME OR FOOD, HE WAS SILENT, WE BOTH WOULD LAUGH.
     
  16. oneman

    oneman Well-Known Member

    The simple things in life are the best. We live (a small town in the middle of nowhere) about an hour and a half from where we do things like shopping, eating out, and any other errands. My wife enjoyed nature, especially flowers and birds. I would smile when she pointed out this flower on the side of the road, or that bird on a fence post. I had no idea about of those things. But the joy she had in those simple things, these are the memories that help me through this difficult time. These are the memories that bring a smile, and bring tears.

    I miss those simple moments.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  17. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    ME TOO.
     
  18. oneman

    oneman Well-Known Member

    We had two dogs. When my wife passed I had to decide what to do with her dog. Her dog would listen to me, but it was always her dog. He was solely focused and obedient to my wife. I was just another person in the room. And he was more than I wanted to deal with.
    A friend said he would take her dog. The friend kept the dog for a couple of weeks and found the best place for that dog. My wife's dog now lives on a large ranch with other dogs and animals. Has all the room to run. And is very happy, I'm told.
    So that worked out really well.

    My dog couldn't understand why, suddenly, there was only me in the house. Where did the other person go? Where did the other dog go? It took a long while for my dog to figure this out. It seems that my dog has settled in with the idea that I am the only one here now.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  19. oneman

    oneman Well-Known Member

    My wife and I would go to the store and pick out bird feeders and she would know what kind of bird food to get.
    I set all that up in our yard, and she could watch from her office (She had her own business at home.)

    These are the kinds of things that I miss. I may not know about some of those things but I enjoyed helping her enjoy the things she liked.
     
    cjpines likes this.