I think the days are actually getting harder. Today was especially hard. It was my wife's birthday. It has only been a little over a month since her passing. The first 2 weeks were a blur of family and funeral arrangements and the next 2 were kind of a blur with kids and all the legal crap coming at me and now I think it is starting to settle a little and the disbelief and shock are wearing off and the reality is setting in. I had to leave the house to run "errands" quite a bit today and I would get in the car and just start to cry. I can't imagine the next 30 years without her. I know there is no guarantee I will make it to my mid 80's but everyone in my family makes it that far and beyond and I am pretty healthy so... She always told me, since I met her almost 30 years ago that she was going to die when she was 52. Once she made it past that it was always the joke that we were on borrowed time. Now just 2 years later she is ACTUALLY gone. I never really believed that she would leave me this early. We both kind of knew she would go first but I never really thought I would have to spend the last third of my life alone and without her. My whole life was planned on her being a part of it. We just started to look for where we were going to live next. We could retire from teaching in 3 years and our life as an old married couple was about to begin. Visiting kids and grandkids, taking trips, going on walks... All of it now gone. I am SOOOOO sad. I have never really been alone. I guess I am not alone quite yet but my youngest is 16 so it won't be long. And no matter how supportive kids are, they are not her! This has been the hardest day since that first few days after. I hope they don't keep getting worse. I miss her so much. I pray that she wasn't in pain and that she isn't in pain now. I pray that she is in a peaceful place and that she is with her mom and dad. I pray that she will be there waiting for me. But I know she would want me to take my time getting there. I need to be here for my kids and to continue what we started - our family - over 20 years ago. Laurie, if you can hear, see or read this, know I LOVE you with all my heart and that I will do my best to make you proud. BE IN PEACE MY LOVE!