it is unbearable

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, Mar 22, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    The pain and loneliness are unbearable. I cannot believe that Marshall, my husband of 40 years is really gone. Wave after wave of grief rush over me and I feel like I am drowning in it. The only one who could comfort me is Marshall with his sense of humor and empathy, but he will never return to do so. I cannot bear that I will never see him on earth again. I wish he would send me a sign that he is okay and forgives me for times that I wasn't kind. I need a redo and none exist in this world. I am nothing without him, but must go on for our son, who will be leaving in the Fall for College.

    How does anyone stand this agony?
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Daisy im sorry for pain. I wish it was a way to make.it better instantly. Im not even going to say time will make it better but I will say that with time you will be stronger to deal with it. Your son will.be your motivation to keep.moving. I say hold on to the roller coaster of life . You will have some good and bad days. Thats just part of this grief process.. Keep venting and expressing yourself. We're here to listen.
    DEB321, Chris M 2000, cjpines and 3 others like this.
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, would you consider seeing a
    kind grief counselor , if that person is
    covered under your insurance? I went to
    a kind psychiatric nurse practitioner. bc I
    had PTSD & couldn't sleep at all, right
    after Linda died. In the beginning, in
    the office of her home, all I did was sob,
    and rage in guilt, like you & many others
    here, did, that I wasn't affectionate
    enough, or argued with Linda over
    trivial matters. Over the course of our
    sessions, my grief counselor suggested
    GIC, which has been my lifeline, after
    stopping therapy. Lou
  4. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I want a grief counselor and I think I have PTSD, in part because I had an abusive childhood. I need help but don't really know where to find it. I just got a therapist, but I don't think she is trained in grief.
    DEB321, Chris M 2000, Gary166 and 2 others like this.
  5. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    You can go under individual coaching on this site have a free consultation with a counselor. That will be a start and mayb they can tell you what to do from there. You can also ask the counselor that you have to refer you to a grief counselor or ask your family doctor to refer you to one. Those are just some suggestions.
    DEB321, cjpines, Gary166 and 2 others like this.
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, please try to find one who deals in
    grief, like my counselor did. After I stopped
    sobbing , she suggested 2 great books, which I recommended to our group:
    Permission to Mourn, by Tom Zuba, and,
    The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
    Jonathan Santlofer. I suggest you read
    these over coffee in the morning, not at
    bedtime. When I first started reading
    Jonathan's book, I started weeping, bc his
    wife, Joy, died in front of him, like Linda
    did in front of me. I had to put the book
    away, but then tried again , a week later.
    You would find this book powerful. but it
    is a sometimes funny portrait of their 40
    year marriage, and raising a daughter,
    now in her 20s. I'm glad you're still with
    us, Daisy.... Lou
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  7. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I really appreciate the support from this group during this nightmarish time. I have a lot of things I need to do to keep my home running and my son heading towards college, yet I find it hard to do the simplest things.

    I signed up for the 15 minute free session and I have an evaluation intake at some psychiatric place next week. Maybe medication will help.
    DEB321, cjpines, Gary166 and 2 others like this.
  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, that's wonderful news , that you are
    taking these steps. to ease the pain of your
    PTSD.It may help you to write down the
    names of the fellow Grief Warriors, with
    whom you "talk" . I like the personal connection here, My 2 "brothers" are
    older, and still love to dance. I have 2
    brothers on GIC: Gary, from Indiana,,
    George , from Illinois. My widow friends
    here are Robin. from your state, Patti and
    DEB from South Caroline from S.C. Other
    widows posted for a while, but haven'been seen recently. My name is Lou, from a
    small, seaside town on the coast of
    Massachusetts. Lou
  9. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Daisy, just like Sweetcole has said, we have our kids who will give us strength and motivation to go on. Your son will give you a purpose to get up in the morning, he really needs you now. Like I've told you in the other topic you started, I live for my son and daughter, I owe it to them. We feel their dad's presence and his love surrounding us in our home, he is guiding us along this grief-stricken journey. If you can, get out for nature walks, as much as possible. Especially with Spring around the corner, observing flowers blooming, little bulbs on the trees suddenly appearing, birds chirping away, it seems so much more beautiful now, the best mind therapy, in my opinion.
    DEB321, Chris M 2000, cjpines and 3 others like this.
  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    P.S. Daisy, just woke up in middle of night
    & read my last post to you . I forgot to
    mention other widow friends, like Karen,
    ( cjpines) from California,, Bernadine
    ( Countess Joy) from Oregon, Nicole
    ( Sweetcole) from Georgia, Rose, from
    Italy, and many others who you haven't
    heard from. It helped me to "talk"with
    each one of these people, but do it only
    if it helps you. Hope you are getting your
    sleep, Daisy. I have to go back to sleep
    now. Hope to "talk" with you and other
    Grief Warriors on Thursday. Lou
    DEB321, Sweetcole, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  11. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Good morning Daisy. I am terribly sorry for the loss of Marshal. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl transitioned 22 months ago suddenly from a cardiac arrest. Like everyone here I was paralyzed emotionally and physically. It is a real medical condition called foggy widow/widower brain. I too struggled with making simple decisions. I ran into the garage with my vehicle. I almost had an accident with a firearm. I put the wrong checks in the wrong envelopes. I finally put all the bills on auto pay. My close network of family and friends began to fade away. I didn’t know if I could keep going or if I even wanted to keep going. A medical condition I had flared up again. Grief can kill us. I thank the positive energy of the universe that you found GIC so soon. It took me 5 months. I went to my doctor just before telling him I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was maxed out on bupropion and had tried over 6 different sleep meds. My doctor assured me what I was experiencing was normal for grieving. Less than a month after my beloved Cheryl transitioned I found a bimonthly in person grief support meeting which was extremely helpful. I secured a therapist recommended by a friend who wasn’t qualified for my situation. When I found GIC it was a game changer because I have daily contact and support with people who understand. My first therapist was helpful but my current therapist works through the grief support group. Clearwater Hospice. I refer to Laura as my healer. And because I attended grief meetings there the therapy is free. Medicare paid for the first therapist. Daisy your loss is very recent. Expect an extreme roller coaster ride. But you don’t have to do it alone. Lou gave us the name of the grief warriors because of the physical and emotional body blows we take from grief. But Lou says no one is ever left on the battlefield alone. We stand by you and each other. We don’t try to fix or heal but just listen and be with each other. Keep expressing yourself and emerse yourself in nature. The most important thing is to be extremely gentle and compassionate with yourself Daisy. Gary
  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Brother Gary, I'm honored that you
    quoted my Grief Warriors idea. It came to
    me, as a non veteran, sitting between 2
    Vietnam veterans about my age, every
    Sat morning for coffee at the American
    Legion. There is a faraway, sad look in
    their eyes when they allude to their
    dead buddies they had to leave behind
    in the jungle battlefield. Both men have
    Purple Hearts, but occasionally have
    guilt that they lived and their buddies
    died. They respect me after I told them
    that though I'm not a veteran of a
    military battle, I suffered PTSD, seeing
    my wife collapse , then die, in front of my
    own eyes . I can still have a flashback of
    her death. I cry, curse, brush myself off
    and walk outside in the fresh air and
    sunshine, to see my friends, and feel
    better. Brother Lou
    DEB321, Patti 67, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  13. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Please ask for someone trained in grief. Those who have not experienced this deep pain you are going through can understand to a point, but they are only going by book learning.
    DEB321, Gary166, Patti 67 and 2 others like this.
  14. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Beautiful response and advice. We all thank you.
    DEB321, Gary166, Patti 67 and 2 others like this.
  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I've been MIA for a long time, and I was so sad, but so glad, all at the same time, to see this thread. Although words seem so inadequate at times, now being one of them, I hope you know how very sorry I am that your husband, Marshall passed away. My husband, Bob passed away almost two years ago. He had been sick for a very long time, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he passed away, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Being his full time caregiver was the hardest job in the entire world, but I would do it all over again, if I could...

    I'm so glad you found this site and have already met many of my friends, TGW (The Grief Warriors), our GIC "family." My friends have given you excellent advice, and I can't think of much to add to what they've already said. You've taken a giant step forward in this way beyond miserable journey, for lack of a better word, by being brave enough to share your feelings with us, by doing everything you possibly can to help yourself.

    Please be very gentle with yourself. Try the very best you can to eat healthy foods, get enough rest (I know eating healthy and getting enough rest is much easier said than done!!!, TUTTAM!!!), and as someone has already said, if possible get some exercise in, or if exercising is physically challenging, try to sit outside, surrounded by all the beauty God created, listen to the sounds of nature..., feel the warmth of the sun on your face..., try to be present in the moment... I found that being outside, taking long walks, just being in nature, was one of the very best things I could do to help myself.

    Also, if you're able to retain what you read, I had trouble with this for a long time, both of the books Lou recommended are excellent. My favorite is "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. It's a very easy to read, short book, but is filled with valuable advice. I kept a copy on my nightstand, and reread parts of it often, for a long time. I gave my copy to a neighbor, but found the book so helpful, that I might purchase several more copies, one for myself, and one to have ready to give to anyone who I think might benefit from it. You can also watch some of Tom Zuba's videos online. You can find them by googling his name.

    Just in case this hasn't already been said, my brain is still way too foggy!!!, this is a judgement free zone. We will always be here to "listen," to give you a virtual shoulder to lean on, lots of virtual hugs, and sometimes, even advice. You can take it or leave it, we'll be here for you no matter what you decide to do.

    I want to end this on a more positive note. If you do all the hard work grieving forces you to do, life will NEVER!!! be as good as it once was, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!), but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, eventually life WILL!!! get better... Life will become (as Robin, another member of our GIC "family" has explained it to all of us) a mix of happy and sad, a bittersweet existence. The timeline for this happening is different for each one of us, BUT!!!, it WILL!!! happen.

    This site has become my safe place. I hope it'll become your safe place too. I hope you stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Welcome to our GIC "family."

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB