It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by SusanMc8, Sep 17, 2021.

  1. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

    Quilting Lady - We have a lot in common and I feel your pain. I lost my husband Jim suddenly to a stroke last January. We were married for 56 years and have 6 children, the youngest is 41. I am grieving daily but the pain has softened somewhat but I still break down a few times a day over losing him. I am hoping to turn his memory into smiles but I’m not quite there yet. Like you, after being married so many years we became one person and half of us is gone now. So, who are we now? That’s what I struggle with. I am thankful that like you I have a large family and support system. Take care and let me know how you’re doing from time to time. Susan
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Susan, I think I asked you a long time ago where you lived in Calif, southern Calif I think it was. Sorry, I have fog brain a lot. I sent
    Susan, as I mentioned it will be 1 yr, Nov 4th Jack died. I guess grief's journey depends on how the person deals with it. I'm a person that can't let go of anything. It's been hard all my life to let go and stop worrying, and carry on. Jack was just the opposite, he could block out certain memories, things happening in life that were not worth worrying about and carry on. I've tried to learn from him, hoping I can get through this awful journey or at least have some progress.

    I have a daughter age 60 who lives across the street who has become very protective of me since Jack died and thank goodness for her, she's saving me from who knows what -- would happen to me. Do your kids live close to you or do you live close to them?

    I see you quilt. I still have some of my grandma's quilts, but of course then everything was done by hand I think now it's machine. Your quilt here, on this site, looks beautiful. I envy people who have the patience for this.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings, I can relate to everything you have said here. All we can do is hang in there.

    May I ask what part of Northern Calif you live? I'm in El Dorado County, in between Sacramento and Tahoe. I'm just curious due to the fact I'm the only one besides you that live in Calif on this post and I feel a little out of it when people talk about the seaside and things that are Eastern. Take care, Karen
  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Quilting Lady,

    Although the words seem so shallow, I hope you know how very sorry for you loss I am. My husband, Bob, died exactly two months before your husband, Dale died. Bob had many chronic health conditions, the first being diagnosed in 2005. Parkinson's was the last diagnosis he received, prior to his death. Although he suffered from many chronic health conditions, it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, when his health began spiraling downwards rapidly, that I became his full time caregiver. Although you were Dale's full time caregiver for longer than I was Bob's, I understand the pain, total heartache, of watching someone who you love with all your heart, fall apart, bit by bit, powerless to change the circumstances.

    It wasn't until the end of his life that the signs of Parkinson's related dementia became noticeable. I have a friend, whose husband died about a year before Bob died. Her husband suffered from a brain tumor and gradually lost his memory and ability to talk. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to take care of the love of your life, when he is stripped of his memory, his personality... Bob knew that he was slowly losing his memory, and although he didn't show it, he was a very proud, strong, stoic man, who everyone else used to go to for advice and help, I knew deep inside he was way beyond scared. It broke my heart whenever I thought about the day that he would no longer be able to communicate with me, share all those special memories and private jokes together... Although his dementia was just in the beginning stages, I felt like a piece of me was slowing slipping away, a part of my "history," gone forever... I found it much more difficult emotionally to handle the mental changes than the physical ones, and he still had most of his memory and ability to speak when he passed away.

    Although I didn't realize it at the time, and hid it from Bob, from everyone, looking back, I think I went through anticipatory grief too. When I was alone, I cried a lot, I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I couldn't stop thinking about how I would ever be okay again, without sharing the rest of my life with Bob, my one true love. After he passed away, I mentioned this to a friend from "home," I'm not from the area where I'm now living, and she said that since I already went through anticipatory grief, it should make things easier for me now. She meant well, but was totally clueless!!! There is absolutely no way, that you can ever imagine the total heartbreak of losing your "person," who you loved, still love, with all your heart, unless you experience it.

    Totally off subject, I love!!! handmade quilts!!! I have arthritis in my fingers, and trouble with fine motor skills, so there is no way I would ever be able to learn to quilt. I'm always amazed at how beautiful they are, at how much work went into creating them. Bob and I went to many fall festivals. There were quilts on display, and you could buy raffle tickets for one of them. Bob always bought me lots of raffle tickets, but I was never lucky enough to win one of them.

    I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I look forward to getting to "know" you better.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB
  4. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Quilting Lady, my name is Patti, I am so sorry loss
    your Dear Husband Dale. I lost my husband to Parkinsons
    he had PD 24 years, he fell nine years prior to passing,
    caused a traumatic brain injury. Medicare denied rehab
    Cause physicians said he wasn't a candidate ( God
    eventually proven them wrong) after I took him
    home from hospital, when it came time, I got books starting
    Preschool we got up to 5 th grade level. In the beginning
    it was relearning and identifying objects, alphabet, numbers,
    etc,etc,etc. although his voice could barely whisper his
    sentences were always short, I always understood what
    he said. I took care of him by myself , he wasn't able to walk
    after his fall, and I had his hospital bed in living room and
    I slept in a recliner next to it at night.
    He passed in my arms at home when God called him
    to Heaven.
    I am so thankfull God provided me the strength to do all
    in giving him the best care I could or knew how. We lived
    in California, no family there. I've had a hard time getting
    the memory of his suffering from my mind, I think of him
    daily, the tears still flow. We were married 61 years, I know
    in God's timeing we will reunited in Heaven.It will be 5 years
    7th of November, it hasn't gotten any easier for me, I hold
    my emotions in from others, only those that have lost
    their beloved husband or wife can fully understand.
    I pray everyday for ALL caregivers and for their loved one.
    This is first time for me to open up and really speak as I
    have here. Sending love hugs and prayers to you and
    all others. Patti
  5. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Patti, this is Karen. I just got back from an appt and read your post. I feel very emotional reading your journey with Dale. You were remarkable for so long caring for him, loving him until the end. Your story is so moving and I'm so glad you shared with all of us.

    You said it hasn't gotten any easier, I hope you have found some contentment in the last 5 years for yourself. I hope we all find some contentment, plowing through this grief journey.

    Praying for healing for you Patti, Karen
    Patti 61 likes this.
  6. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Karen, I had never spoken to others about how things
    were for Jack , and how it really was through that time for
    myself too, guess having another surgery day before
    yesterday and not being able to be active at this time
    has had me in a thinking mode,however making my move
    from California to here was not the best decision, maybe
    that's why I feel that way. I so understand how hard it is
    for others getting through and making headway
    after being caregivers for so long, as Quil Lady, you and
    others had been.
    How is your arm doing? Pray you are seeing great progress
    with the therapy. hugs and prayers to you and all here. Patti
  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

  8. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

  9. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Karen, I am happy to hear your arm is doing much better with
    therapy. I maybe should resign from GIC beings that it's
    soon to be five years since Jack passed, I didn't search foe
    a support group till it was two years after, that I joined here.
    I don't ever want to say anything to others that is not
    encouraging. This journey of loosing a loved one, is hard.
    One has to travel at ones own pace, there is no time limit.
    Love, hugs and prayers, Patti
  10. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    No reason to resign, no time limit on months or years. Grief doesn't let a time limit, but I wish it did.
  11. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I just read your messages to the Quilting Lady and to Karen, your story is way beyond heartbreaking... I wish I could wrap my arms around you, just give you a big hug... You are an amazing person, the love you had, still have for Jack, shines through your messages. You are a very strong woman to have been able to take care of Jack without any help. I can't even imagine how exhausted you must have been, both physically and mentally. Although I would do it all over again without a second's thought, being Bob's full time caregiver was the very hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done. You were Jacks full time caregiver for so many more years than I was Bob's... I was only Bob's full time caregiver for about 3 years and 3 months before he passed away. I was, and still am, totally fried... As I said to the Quilting Lady, the hardest part of all of this was slowing watching (what I think was Parkinson's related dementia) invade his brain. I spent many hours crying when he was sleeping and I was alone. I felt like a piece of me was slowing slipping away too... You are a totally selfless, caring, and loving person... and I'm positive Jack knew how much he meant to you.

    I'm so glad you finally opened up and shared your story with us. Please don't feel like you can't share your honest feelings with us. We love and care about you!!! It isn't good for you to keep all your feelings bottled up inside. (Tom Zuba talks about this in his book, "Permission To Mourn.") I used to be a very private person, that is, before I joined GIC. I've found that "talking" about my feelings, in a safe place, where everyone is in the same boat, has helped me so much. I don't think I would be able to handle all this intense pain if I wasn't able to "talk" about it. And, what ever you do, please don't leave us!!!

    I think I've written you one of my books, and might be beginning to ramble, so stopping here.

    Sending you lots and lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
  12. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Thank you Deb, (((( Big Hug))))). Patti
    DEB321 likes this.
  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    It's so good to hear from you!!! I hope you're feeling a bit better each and every day. Please take the best care of yourself you possibly can. Looking forward to when you feel well enough to visit more often. We miss you, total understatement!!!

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
    Patti 61 likes this.
  14. Lost spouse

    Lost spouse New Member

    I understand how you feel. I lost my husband to covid 7 months ago. I was married 21 1/2 years. So hard even now. Worse on weekends as i work during the week.
  15. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Susan,
    I posted earlier to Quilt Lady,
    I requested to change my log in
    name, I didn't join GIC till two
    years afterJack passed, then one
    day I gave thought to doing a search
    for a support Group on line,
    thankful to find GIC. Use of my iPad
    was new to me. I did not think about
    a user name, of which, I so needed to
    have the other changed, to my name.
    Sorry I also was confused as had not read
    first page here by you , prior to mypost
    to Quilt Lady.
    I am so sorry for loss of your dear
    Husband, I understand all that which
    you are feeling and going through.
    I moved here to South Carolina to be
    near our daughter. I think all the new
    changes I had to make after Jack
    passed , was added stress, never living
    alone, taking care of him his last nine
    years, wanting no more than to do all
    I could for him. We were married 61
    years, NEVER EVER can we be prepared.
    Since being here my granddaughter in
    Charlotte, NC had a baby boy, she is expecting
    baby girl in January. Our granddaughter
    in Columbia SC had a baby boy.
    It warms my heart when they get to visit me
    here in upstate, they always come to visit
    me before they return home.
    For the time being I need type my posts
    to be narrower it enables me to spread
    my words on my iPad si I can read
    better, am having wee problem seeing
    to read, looks like the recent surgery
    last Tuesday has prolonged the healing
    I want to say hi to;
    Deb,Karen,Lou, Quilt Lady and all others
    Prayers for all of us on this now journey.
    God will get us through each and every day.
    Blessings, Hugs, Patti
    Countess Joy, cjpines and DEB321 like this.
  16. Elgar1988

    Elgar1988 New Member

    Hello, I'm Jane. I lost my husband 18th August 2023 on our wedding day. We got married at the hospital because he had pancreatic cancer. Was diagnosed 5 months before our wedding. We were married just 4 half hours. He was only 35 years old. We were friends for many years and he knew that he would not ever marry anyone else so we got hitched. I proposed to him and he said why not. We never had any kids ( just the furry ones. ( 3 beautiful tomcats) . I am trying to move on in my life but it's hard. I moved home because it was unbearable to stay in that house. I'm teary now writing this. I love you Isaac Elgar. I miss you SO MUCH
    Countess Joy likes this.