It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband

My husband died suddenly 8 months ago - the pain is still there, I think it always will be. I break down and cry a few times a day but I go about living my life. I think this is my new normal. I am getting used to being alone, doing everything that needs to be done but I miss him so much. It’s like a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. I am a different person than I was - I am still discovering myself. We were married for 56 years and I suppose this is how it always will be - my new life. Praying for all of you who have experienced this.

 

Oh Susan, my husband died 10 months ago and I'm still in your place. I don't have anything to tell you because I'm still in your place. What is a new life I wonder? I'm not used to being alone. I still talk to my husband, Jack, and think about what we always did every day or what will we do today. I miss him terribly. Please keep on this forum and vent anytime--we're all in the same boat, surviving by a thread. Karen

 

Karen, thank you for responding to my thread - it does sound like we are in similar situations. I have never been alone in my whole life and this is hard getting used to. Losing my husband has been the most traumatic experience I’ve ever gone through. I have lots of support - family and friends - but this is something only I can go through - being married for 56 years has molded me into the person I am - but I am discovering there is more to me than that - I want to spend my remaining years being a positive influence on the people around me. Hope you’re having a good day - let’s keep in touch.

 

That's exactly what I was thinking what you said, I want to be a positive influence on the people around me". I've tried to find a purpose in my life and nothing is coming up, but I know I'm loved by my family and I don't want to let them down with my negative thoughts about not wanting to live on Earth anymore and wanting to join Jack in Heaven. That's how I feel now. I'm not suicidal just don't see a future for me. Yes, there is more to you and more to me. Thanks for posting, Karen

 

My purpose from now on is not clear either. Who am I? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? At this point I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I need to every day. I am trying to be kind to everyone I encounter. My husband and I had a full and exciting life. But, maybe it’s time for me to relax and just do what I can and stop fretting that I don’t have a major purpose anymore. Just live life as it is, as painful as it is.

 

I signed up with Center For Loss that another person here suggested. It sends you daily reflections that I find helpful. I was so upset the first few months wondering what will happen to me, what is my purpose, how can I take care of this large place on and on. Now at 10 months it does cross my mind my future, but I don't dwell on it or think about it much anymore. Seems to be a dead subject with no answers.

Hope you have a good day, blessings, K

 

My name is Erick October 5 will be 8 months since my wife passed away she was 40 years old .We we’re together for 16 years have 2 children 12 and 14 year old .My wife passed away from aml leukemia on February 5 .She was first diagnosed on December 24 2019 after a routine blood work she had no symptoms of any type .I took care of my wife watched her go through it all from the beginning to the end .The grief continues stress worries it’s a constant on my daily life .I remain focus on raising my children and being there for them and always making sure they are as happy as they could be with the love I give them .I know I will never truly heal from the pain of loosing my wife just have to find a way to deal with it .I miss her daily and I miss my family we had simple things in life having breakfast together going to the movies dinners sitting the backyard watching the kids play etc .I just tend to worry a lot and stress people tell me im doing a amazing job continuing to raise my children but im doing it broken .Im just hoping in time things will get better for me emotionally mentally and have a little peace .

 

Erik- I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your young wife - my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband eight months ago but he had lived a long life and our children are grown. You sound like a strong person who loves his children very much - also a great father. Take one day at a time and cry whenever you need too. The pain will not go away but as time goes by you will learn how to live with it - be easy on yourself - you have been dealt a terrible blow but you will get through it. My prayers are with you. Susan

 

Susan, first, let me say how sorry I am
about the death of your husband after so
many years of marriage. I saw your past
threads and you have come a long way
in your terrible grief journey. You were so
kind to reach out to Erick. I have also,
and to Jeff ( this am), Craig, and Ron. After
my wife Linda died, right before
Thanksgiving, 2018, I joined a widowed
persons group. I was the only guy, with
20 women.Other men , before me,
dropped out bc it was difficult to open
up, and possibly cry, in front of others. I
never bought into the John Wayne, men
aren't supposed to cry, stereotype. Men at
war who see their buddies die in front of
them, not only cry, but sometimes have
PTSD, when they come home. When my
wife, 68, died suddenly in front of me of a pulmonary embolism, I had PTSD, for 6
months, and needed to see a psychiatric
nurse practioner, before I could function
& make decisions without Linda. I see that
you live in Ma. like I do. May I ask what
part? I was born & raised on the South
Shore, near the ocean. My wife grew up
on the North Shore, near the ocean. We
met at a Boston Christmas party, and lived
in different inland towns and cities when
we were working. When we retired, we
moved to where Linda grew up, and were
happy to be near the ocean again before
Linda became ill with cancer. I try to
take comfort in the fact that she was
planning to join me when she got out of
the rehab unit, and died suddenly, instead
of lingering in pain, for an uncertain
future. If you live in the city, Susan, I
suggest you visit the shore for the holidays
as a getaway. Many tourists stay overnight
at inns, or nice motels, to take a breather
from their routines. Good to meet you,
but as my good friend, Deb ( Deb 321) says,
I wish it were under better circumstances.
Lou

 

Lou - thanks for writing to me. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife and the pain you have been going through. After eight months, I am still having a really hard time - especially now when our anniversary would have been in a few days. A few of my children will probably come over on that day - they are a great comfort to me. It’s a long story but I actually live in North Carolina although my husband and I and children lived in Lexington and Milton in the eighties. We’ve lived many places. Wishing you the best and it’s good to meet you too! Susan

 

So sorry to hear you are still having so much pain. My husband died in June, 2021 so I'm just 4 months out and expected to be crying daily (which I am) and still feeling awful and have that godawful pain in my chest everytime something triggers a thought about him which seems to be a hundred times a day. It is so difficult and friends and family dont really understand. I hope you gradually reach a point soon where memories trigger a smile instead of the pain and grief. I keep talking to myself daily but apparently I'm not listening. I worry about how long it will take to feel human again after 51 years of marriage to the nicest man I've ever known. I miss him so much. Everything I've read though assures you, me and others that the pain gradually dissipates and is replaced by loving memories. So I have hope. I cannot imagine living out the rest of my years like this.

 

Susan, I was confused when I woke up this
morning at 6:30am ( Massachusetts time)
and saw the "Quilting Lady" email. I thought you were a new member, and then realized we had "talked" previously.
I had asked you if you lived in Mass., but
you said you did in the past, but moved. I
looked up your "information" and found
out that you moved to Ca. I assume you
moved out there to be with your 5 adult
children, which I think is a good idea. I'm
so glad you decided to stay with us at
Grief in Common. I was worried about you, and thought you dropped out, as some others have. You were comforting
to our friend, Karen (cjpines), who also
lives in Ca., but is having a rough time. I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner/
grief counselor, when my wife, Linda,
collapsed in front of me, and died from a
pulmonary embolism soon after. I was
suicidal, and suffered PTSD, bc I couldn't
get that last horrible image out of my
head. The counselor/ therapist suggested
Grief in Common, but I wasn't ready until
this year. I'm so glad I joined. I check in with Deb ( Deb 321) from South Carolina
and Robin (RLC) from Long Island, N.Y.,
every morning and at night before
bedtime. If I wake up in the middle of the
night, I may see Robin's email. Recently,
I've been "talking" with a younger
widower, George ( eyepilot 13), who is a
new member. I think my new purpose
in life is to help other people. I won't
lie. My mourning is like my nearby ocean.
Some days, the waves are calm. Other days, the waves are stormy, and threaten
to overwhelm and drown me but I'm
still standing. As I've asked others here,
do you mind telling me your husband's
name? I know it's heartbreaking right
now to say his name, but, in the long
run, it will help you to talk about the
good times with him, and not just the
sad ending. Thanks for reaching out to
me this am. I guess there's a 3 hour time
difference between us. Lou

 

Susan, this is Karen CJ Pines. I live in California, which area are you? It seems everyone on this forum is from the mid west or east, so I would love to know where you are. Take care, Karen

 

Susan, I think I asked you a long time ago where you lived in Calif, southern Calif I think it was. Sorry, I have fog brain a lot.

 

I should introduce myself to clear up the confusion. I am new here and have only one post, earlier on this thread. I live in northern California. My husband, Dale, died on June 11,2021 of Parkinsons and dementia. He was ill for six years. I took care of him myself and by the end had hoped he would soon find relief and pass on. His suffering towards the end was sheer torture for him and me both. I grieved for his situation months before he died. Of course, right after he took his last breath the shock hit me and I immediately wanted him to come back. You think you are prepared to let them go and move forward with your life as a tribute to the 53 years you spent together but you cannot prepare for the loss of someone you have spent every day with most of your life. We have 5 kids (youngest is 53). I thought I could handle the grief and talk myself into accepting his death and move forward but after 4 months, I'm not doing so great. I decided to seek a support group and here I am. After reading a lot of your posts I now realize I have a long journey ahead of working through my grief. I am basically down to the one day at a time status because it takes everything I've got to get through one day. I'm trusting that by hanging in there it will be worth it in the end but right now, things look very bleak. I have two friends who also lost their husbands a couple of years ago and while they are surviving, they admit they still think about their husbands every single day. For them it is not as intense as it was in the early stages of grief, but you never stop loving them and wishing they were with you. I guess the goal is to get to that place where your memories of them cease to cause the pain in your heart and, instead, bring a smile to your face. I look forward to that day.

 

My dear Quilted Lady, please forgive my
confusion. I DID mix you up with another
member. Everything else I said, in my
last email remains true. My name is
Lou, my wife was Linda, and I live on the
North Shore of Massachusetts. Thank you
for telling me the name of your husband,
Dale. May I be so bold as to ask your
real first name? I used the name Van Gogh
as my user name, at first, bc he was a
tortured soul, with severe ups & downs.
It matched my torture of seeing my wife,
of 25 years, die suddenly in front of me,
at 68. Writing has become my passion and
my outlet for mourning. My therapist
said I've "reinvented" myself gradually
into a " people person".I see that you
write with passion, also, and let the
words flow. You are right that grief is
grief and it doesn't matter if your
soulmate has died suddenly, like mine,
or lingered in pain, like yours, I am so
sorry for the pain and hollowness in your
heart. I love to interact and to comfort
others here. Amazingly, I now "talk" with
about 10 people, both men & women. I
see, from your "information" that you read
a lot of non fiction books. I highly
recommend Permission to Mourn, by
Tom Zuba, and The Widower's Notebook,
a memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. I
suggested these 2 books to one of my
closest friends here, Deb ( 321), and she
bought them through Amazon, and is
sharing her thoughts about them with me.
The authors explore what you said in your
eloquent words: " Nobody knows what you are going through, unless they have been through it as well". I say,"amen" to that. I also agree w.with your statement: "I find
myself crying when I least expect it".
Linda died right before Thanksgiving, 2018. I still cry every morning before I
walk outside. We will never "get over"
the deaths of our spouses, but somehow,
we will soldier on in our grief and
loneliness. I will give you a ray of hope.
My grief counselor once asked me to
list all the funny sayings that Linda used,
( and she had many), but I couldn't at
first, bc I broke down sobbing. I put the
list away. One day, I wrote as many of
her funny phrases as I could, & I actually
chuckled as I wrote them, and could hear
Linda's voice. Then, I went to see my
grief counselor, and I read the list to
her, and we both laughed. Now, I've
adopted some of Linda's words for my
own, but also give credit to Linda, to
both friends and strangers who never
knew her. Thank you for writing to me.
I look forward to your future threads. Lou