Janine, you are not babbling. We lost so much. At forty years with Kay were so many foundational parts that make life so satisfying. Number one is trust and companionship. The joy of being together and jointly building a life. They were our partners and brought their skill sets to complement our abilities. But the biggest lass is in the void and loneliness. So you are not babbling just being overwhelmed about all that our relationship was. Your loss is recent and rightfully felt very deeply. So much adjustment but missing them is everything!! Back to medical. I had one doctor mention that you're not just hiring me but all the people I know. That being the specialists. No one doctor can be expert in all areas it's to complex. When sick we are not in a good position to go doc shopping. So our primary doctor is vital and that relationship has to feel solid. But as you say the medical is also a business. Therefore it tends to run efficiently and that personal accountability gets lost, sorry to say. I tend to want all of my relationships to be like the TV show Cheers where everyone knows your name. Same restaurants, same accountant, same mechanic, same dentists. I live in a large city but want that small own feel and be with caring people I both likee and trust. I am the one now babbling but relationships matter. The autopilot is very understandable so many parts are missing and speaking for myself very fragmented. What was normal, comforting, reliable, is now void. Whatever life desition we did with our partner and about everything was shared. Slowly new people will enter our lives. They will be wonderful to know but not a core relationship. What was in one relationship becomes many with limits. They may have us over for Thanksgiving but we eventually go home to an empty house. My friend of many years puts on an orphan Thanksgiving. He and his wife will cook up to four turkeys and bake 15 pies. They invite all those that are missing a traditional family. They are of course very advanced human beings with big hearts. Total empathy for what you are experiencing. The shock does last and it should. The infilling is slow and unpredictable. Write as often as you like. I like to think we are here for each other. I love the word commiserate. Best to you. Paul M.