I want to share a poem my daughter sent me. Maybe Songman could put it to music?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by cjpines, Jun 28, 2021.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    I love you, Deb. I know deep down how
    our memories are bittersweet. I'm so
    glad you recognize my town, and recall
    wonderful memories. The 1st time

    Linda & I were here, we had just
    gotten married in Las Vegas, without
    our parents, who had lifeless marriages,
    & didn't share our happiness. Sadly,
    Linda got involved with her parent's
    care, to our disadvantage. We ended up
    BUYING their house, so they could go to a
    nursing home. We even had to take care
    of their mini poodle. Linda was heartbroken when we had to give the
    dog to a kennel, when we hit the road.
    After many bad financial decisions, &
    inland places, we finally retired to a
    place we love. As much as I miss Linda,
    I take some comfort that she knew we
    were HOME. The plan was she'd join me
    after her physical therapy. She died
    suddenly in front of me instead. Her
    favorite nurse told me she would've
    lingered in pain from cancer, had she
    lived. I shudder to think I wouldn't have
    been able to visit her in the rehabilitation/
    nursing home during COVID. I have to
    take comfort in that she was able to
    talk with me --briefly--- before she died.
    I'm so sorry you had tears streaming
    down your face. Hope you will find a
    happier place, & make a fresh start. Lou
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    No need to be sorry!!! I enjoy reading about your small seaside town. It brings back some memories I thought I had forgotten about (if this makes sense!). As you said, memories are bittersweet, but there is no way I want to ever forget the very best days of my life, so many of them spent with the one true love of my life. I miss
    my husband so much... Although I know rationally he is never coming back, in my heart, it's so difficult for me to believe... to accept this.

    I know there is a reason why he was taken from me so soon. Like Linda, had my husband survived that last night/early morning in the ER, he probably would been in pain with no chance of recovery. Also, Parkinson's would have stripped him from his memories, his thoughts, from everything that made him who he was. Although it's difficult for me to say this, especially because my husband didn't want to die, and fought so hard to "be on the right side of the dirt," as he always said,
    and because he fought as hard as he could, right up until the very last minute, I'm relieved that God decided it was time for him to leave me. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him suffer so much, with all that would have been left is just a "shell" of who he was.

    I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must have been to watch the love of your life die right in front of you... I wasn't allowed to remain with my husband until the end. I didn't get to say goodbye to him. His last moments were anything but peaceful. It scares me, and makes me so sad to imagine what his last memories of being here were like for him... I don't think the memories I have from that last night/early morning, spent in the ER, will ever fade. I hope someday they won't invade my mind as often as they do now. Backing up just a bit, it's nice that you and Linda had a chance to talk, even if it was only briefly, before she passed away. I'm glad it brought you a little comfort.

    Linda was a very loving, caring, compassionate woman, to sacrifice where she wanted to live, and her own "dream" house. I can tell how deeply you loved Linda, and still do, because you were willing to make this same sacrifice to help her parents. I'm happy that you and Linda were finally able to find the town of your dreams, and that Linda knew the two of you were "home." You are truly living in a very beautiful, special town.

    I made my first big financial decision yesterday without my husband. I know it's the right decision for me, but I couldn't help wondering what my husband would have thought. As I was making this decision, I talked to my husband as though he were here, with me. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually helped. Today, before I talked with my CFP, and began to put my new financial plan into action, I second guessed myself, even though I know I'm doing the right thing. I wanted so much, for my husband just to tell me he thinks this is a good idea too. As always, I had to grab a box of tissues. Tonight I feel a bit stronger, knowing that I can take charge of my life on my own. The reason why I mentioned this is because I want to move more than anything. Hopefully this plan will provide me with more income than I would have had, making it easier for me to move when the timing is right.

    I hope you will continue to share stories about your beautiful seaside town with all of us.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I love your long, moving replies to me. It's almost like we're talking on the
    phone.As I've mentioned, Linda fell from
    her bed in a jhorrible upside down way.
    She was trying to get on her wheelchair to
    go to the common room to see puppies.
    We had done this before. Again, this was
    bittersweet. The one dog we owned, we
    had to give up. When a puppy licked her,
    with unconditional love, Linda cried, &
    she didn't cry much. She had an
    unhappy childhood. When she was 12,
    her only sibling, a 10 year old brother,
    died from a rare illness. Right before
    Linda fell, I asked her if she needed help
    from the nurses. She had a grim look of
    determination, & didn't answer. When
    she fell in that strange way, I asked
    again. She said, " I can't talk now, get me a
    cold cloth ( for my head)". Then, Linda told me to push the button for help. I did, but
    there was no response, bc the nurse left
    her station. I ran down the hall. I was
    terrified. I told the recreational leader,
    who had the puppies, to get nurses. My
    last image of Linda, was that her favorite
    nurse & others put her in a sitting
    position on the floor. She didn't look
    right. I went to the front with a PT. I had
    called a cab to take me to a store where
    I could buy a phone, bc our trackphone
    had died. I didn't want to make a decision
    without Linda. When all hell broke loose,
    & the rescue squad raced down the hall,
    I was sobbing with guilt that I had
    bothered Linda about the phone. Her PT
    put her arm around me. Her nurse told me
    quietly that Linda had no pulse. They
    tried to revive her on way to ER. I went
    into another ambulance to follow her.
    I knew it was over. I still have chills
    when I hear a siren. When I arrived at the
    hospital, the ER doctor told me Linda
    was dead. I was numb. I called her
    nurse the next day to find out Linda's
    last words. As they put her in the
    wheelchair, they asked her if she needed
    a pillow. She said yes. The nurse called
    her name. Her lips turned blue, & she
    died from a pulmonary embolism.
    When I was at the ER , the doctor
    was worried about me & asked if I'd
    be OK to take a cab to the winter
    motel where I was staying. I said yes,but
    2 nights later, the night before
    Thanksgiving, I took a cab back to the
    ER, for extreme bereavement &
    suicidal ideations. I had PTSD, bc I couldn't
    get my last image of Linda falling, in a
    strange way, out of my mind. I went to
    a small psychiatric unit voluntarily for
    5 nights. I spent Thanksgiving with 8
    other cliebts. They were my "family".
    It was better than being alone. I rarely
    have that horrible memory, after 2& a
    half years. But, like you, I miss my wife
    every day. I admire your courage to
    make decisions on your own, & to
    move and get a fresh start, like I did.
    God Bless You. Lou
  4. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I was teary eyed as I read this. There are no words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through this way beyond heartbreaking experience alone. I think I've mentioned this in the past, but even though I was physically alone, at least I had the support of my children by phone. I can't imagine being in the position you were in, alone..., with only medical staff to comfort you..., and still alone..., once you returned to the motel where you were staying.

    I am so glad that you were thinking clearly enough to know you needed help. It takes a very strong person to be able to withstand what you did alone, and then to be able to reach out for the help you so desperately needed. I am so glad that you rarely relive the horrible memory of Linda falling. I still can't get the images from that last night/early morning, right before my husband died, out of my mind. The worst images are those of him dead, wrapped in a sheet, the tube still down his throat... I remember not being able to leave him, just hugging him, crying, tears everywhere, telling him how much I love him, over and over again, telling him that someday, we will be together again... I think I wrote about this in one of first threads I started. It's constantly on my mind. However, you are giving me hope, that someday, these horrible memories won't invade my mind as frequently.

    Not being as far along in my grief journey as you are in yours, you give me hope, that one day, I will be able to make a new life for myself, and experience happiness again (although it will never be the same without my husband.) I think life will always be, as you said yesterday, "bittersweet," for all of us who have experienced the kind of love that only happens once in a life time.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.