I want a redo

I just can't accept that my husband of 40 years is really gone. There are so many things I would have done differently if I had really believed he was going to pass away, but as they say - Denial is not just a river in Egypt and I was deep in denial. He had been sick for a long time on and off and was always "passing away" but never did. Then suddenly he did, and I didn't even say I love you to him right before that happened. I am plagued by regrets and guilt, and I miss him horribly.

 

Daisy, my heart aches for you, bc I felt
extremely guilty after Linda died, and
beat myself up with "shoulda, coulda,
woulda" thinking , which didn't do me
any good. A grief counselor helped me.
bc I couldn't sleep. Now, I participate in
a widowed persons support group, and it
helps to be with people who "get it",like
they do here on GIC. Glad you stayed with
us, Daisy. Lou

 

Hi Daisy: It would never be "enough". You could never do enough, say enough, love enough, or take care enough. Survivors' guilt is real because hindsight is flawlessly easy. If I had just not gone to Walmart, I wouldn't have had the wreck. It's so simple...why did I get in the car? It's a fallacy; it isn't real. It feels very real because we can put the blame on ourselves - where we believe it rightfully belongs. Hindsight makes you believe you failed, but you didn't. What you did was live and love, and got hurt.

You are holding yourself to an impossible standard. I know this because I had 16 years with my wife who had brain cancer. And I was her caregiver for the last 1.5 years of her hardest life. Incontinence, vomiting, paralysis, mental confusion, and much more. I had TIME to do exactly what I should have done, say what I needed to say, go where I needed to go. And in many cases I did. And it still wasn't enough. I feel guilty to this day because my mind wants me to believe there was something, anything, I could have done to make this pain less. But I'm sorry, there isn't. Your pain exists because you loved deeply. Nobody gets this "right" because there is no right way.

 

Oh, God, Bill, you're not on here on GIC
much, but are in the chat room. Thank
you for your powerful words of comfort
for Daisy, which can apply to all of us
Grief Warriors, as I call ourselves. Lou

 

But I know that at times I was inpatient or even mean. I was angry that he wouldn't go see the doctor when he clearly needed to. I should have hugged him more and shown my love more. Still, I think that our son was completely nice and devoted and that didn't get him to go to the doctor anyway. I just feel guilty and sad that my husband did not have a happier life (nor did I, but that's not the point right now.)

 

I understand. I did the same thing during Carla's last few months. I was exhausted, distraught because I couldn't stop what was coming. She understood, and I'll bet your husband did too. The only thing that "I" know to do is live my life in a way that would honor her. Be a better man. Kinder, more even tempered, look for faith when I didn't before. I wish you nothing but peace.

 

Bill, so glad you come on GIC, from time to
time, to give comfort to new members
who struggle with the anguish of guilt.
Why the hell weren't we more
affectionate to our soulmates before they
died? I was in such unbearable pain, that I
voluntarily went to the ER, bc I had
suicidal thoughts. Upon discharge, I saw
a kind psychiatric nurse practioner/
grief counselor, who said my wife, Linda,
appreciated that I was there for her, and
talking with her doctor, nurses, and
dietary staff. Like you, I'm trying to
"live a life that would honor " my wife,
Linda. Lou

 

Daisy, your words about Marshall ( yes,
it's good to honor your husband's name
here) not "having a happier life", cut
through me like a knife, bc that was my
mantra for 2 years after Linda died. I
drank more and stayed out late, in an
attempt to dull the pain of guilt. That
didn't work,of course, bc as my grief
counselor pointed out, alcohol is a
depressant,so that just made it worse.
I came to realize Linda had a profound
sadness and unhappy childhood which
shaped her negative view of people in the
end. She looked at me with sad eyes one
day, and said the only thing that kept her
going, and wanting to live, was me. That
wasn't enough. As Tom Zuba says in
Permission to Mourn, it was time for
Linda to go"home",into the spiritual
world. Lou

 

Bill,

You express yourself so beautifully... I can relate to so much of what you said. I agree with you. We're in pain only because of how strong our love was, still is. It SUCKS!!!, but and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, trying to put a positive spin on this, we're the lucky ones. I feel badly for people who have never experienced true love, who are clueless as to what it's like to give yourself so completely to another person, and to have that person do the same for you, to know each other so well that you can complete each other's sentences, to share all those private, special moments, even when surrounded by lots of people, that bring back so many beautiful memories, whether it's a walk on the beach, watching the sunset, or a trip to the grocery store... , to feel like the luckiest, happiest person on earth, because you have found your soulmate, your "person..."

I feel blessed to have been able to share so many wonderful years with Bob, who will always be my knight in shining armor... I am so grateful for the three wonderful children we had together, for being able to raise our family in a beautiful place, in the house of our dreams, a house we helped create, near the ocean, surrounded by farms and conservation land... Of course, just like in any relationship, we had rocky times, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, no matter what, we loved each other so deeply, we got through the hard times together, and came out of them stronger, more determined than ever, to enjoy our lives together as much as we possibly could.

Even though Bob knew how much I loved him, like you, Daisy, and others, I feel guilty for not being able to get Bob the medical care he needed on what turned out to be his very last night on earth. I begged, pleaded, offered to give the staff at the f*cking!!! worst hospital, if you can even call it a "hospital," to call an ambulance, have Bob transported to the only hospital in the state that was equipped to handle all of his medical needs, where all of his specialists were, but the staff refused, first telling me I could take him home, WTF???!!!, he couldn't even walk, was so weak, he kept sliding off the stretcher they wheeled him in on, then telling me if I couldn't physically take him home, they would place him in a nursing home, F*CK!!! the ER quack in the box!!!, TUTTAM!!!, they didn't even try to do anything to make Bob comfortable,

 

Didn't mean to hit send yet!!! Now I lost my train of thought. The bottom line is Bob begged me to get them to take him to the hospital where all his providers were. The staff refused, until after being in the ER for many hours, Bob told me he was having chest pains. I went into the hallway, screaming that my husband was having chest pains, that they needed to go to his room ASAP!!! The ER doc kicked me out of his room, just as our oldest son, who lives outside of the US, got on the phone. He was only able to tell his dad that he loved him, but at least I know Bob heard him. The ER doc came out of the room to tell me that Bob was in critical condition was having a heart attack, that it was too late to call an ambulance, and because of the weather, it wasn't safe to transport him by helicopter. Long story short, Bob passed away at 3:45 a.m. the next morning.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I did everything I could to try to get the staff to call an ambulance, they had Bob's records, and didn't have the specialists to treat him, but still refused to call an ambulance, and then when they realized he was in critical condition, I was told it was too late. I believe God decided that it was Bob's time to leave earth, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!, if only I had been able to get him to the hospital where his specialists were, they would have made him comfortable, given him the care that he needed and deserved. My dog was treated much better than Bob was on the last day of her life.

I'm rambling and probably not making much sense. I have no idea why I brought all of this up again, tonight. I guess I needed to "talk" about this some more, but didn't realize it before reading the thread Daisy started. Guilt, and all the "could haves,would haves, should haves," doesn't serve any useful purpose. Every one of us did the very best we could given the circumstances. Our loved ones knew we loved them. This is what really matters.

Hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

My dear DEB, I cried when you said you
went in the hall screaming, bc that's
exactly what I had to do for Linda in the
rehab unit of the nursing home. Her
last words to me , which haunted me for a
long time, were "Push the Button" . I did,
but the nurse was not at her station, and
nobody came. After I ran frantically
down the hall, yelling for help, several
nurses rushed to Linda's room to lift her
off the floor. Her favorite nurse said to the
others, " good, we got her to sit up". That
was the last time I saw Linda. In my gut,I
knew it was over, and cried uncontrollably.
Linda was dead on arrival at the ER. The
next day, I called her nurse to find out
Linda's last words. She was asked if she
wanted a pillow for her wheelchair. She
said yes. Then, the nurse called Linda's
name, her lips turned blue, and she died from a pulmonary embolism. I thank God
I didn't see that. At least she talked to me
toward the end. Lou

 

Thank you Deb for all of your clarity despite the exceptional pain and chaos of those days you survived. You are absolutely right: we are more humane with our pets than with our spouses, parents, siblings, friends and children. What a world we live in! I’m so sorry Deb, Daisy, Lou, Gary, Helene, Janice, Robin, Bill, Gary, George, and I hope I didn’t forget anyone. This journey is like being dragged over fiery hot coals. Hugs and comfort to all and each of you! ❤️

 

I am almost in tears reading all your stories but at the same time, you have given me hope and comfort. I realise I'm not the only one having these constant thoughts of "should haves, what ifs?", regrets of "should have loved him more" and "why did I do/say that". We had our fair share of ups and downs, but we always mended everything in the end. We humans are such an odd bunch, aren't we? Yesterday, on Spotify, I came across Elvis Presley's song: "Always on my mind" while doing my music therapy on my piano, OMG, those lyrics just broke me down completely, reflected past memories so much. I had to stop and do something else.

Rose.

 

Rose, like you , some songs can make me
weep unexpectedly. Other times , they
bring me joy. I danced effortlessly tonight
with a woman I never saw before. We
both smiled. The song was the upbeat
Kansas City. Lou Travolta