I never feel normal.....

On 9/24/17, as corny as this sounds my soulmate passed away from a heroin overdose. I have so many emotions, that it is hard to cope day to day. I feel like God gates me. My boyfriends name was Micah and I fell in love with him at first sight. I had zero experience with addiction until he came into my life. I watched him while he was in full blown addiction. I then was proud to see him get his life together and find recovery. I say recovery with a slight curve. Micah was an addict for 15 years. He was brilliant in his addiction. He was fearless. He’d try anything that would take him from reality. When I met his his two drugs of choice were alcohol and heroin. We were together only a few months when he went into a 6 months (court ordered) inpatient facility. I would visit him diligently. He made it through the program. For the next two years Micah remained mostly clean and sober. There were some relapses. I personally performed CPR on him 3 times due to overdosing. Most people would say “why get involved with someone like that?” Or “You knew what you were getting into.” Yes, I did. I knew being in love with him and sharing my life with him meant taking on his addiction. Micah was special. He was the most considerate man. He was smart and funny. When I was with him I felt this peace as if I was exactly where I should be. We worked together to fight addiction. Micah ended up getting an apartment, a job, a car, a motorcycle. However, he still battled with addiction. On 9/24/17, I was working, it was my birthday. Micah had relapsed. I spoke with him all day. We argued a bit via phone. We then settled down and talked (by phone) about figuring it out and maybe getting back on vivatrol. He had really good success with the shot. The last time I spoke with him was Sunday at 9:30pm, I was still working. I got out at 11pm. My gut instinct told me I should go over to his house, but I was pissed and I didn’t. He died that night. Why didn’t I listen to my gut, I always do. I let him down. I cry everyday. I am so heartbroken. I miss him so much that I physically feel broken. Nothing matters to me. All I want is to be with him. No one ever says what I want to hear and that is that I can have him back. I pray so hard to God, but I feel like he’s missing from my life. I went to counseling but find no relief in it. I am not young and naive (42 yrs old). My love for this man was a love as if I’ve loved him for many life times over. I can’t seem to get past that he left me and I wasn’t there when he needed me most. I’ve heard all the one liners. It’s not your job to save him....this would have happen anyways....this was Micah’s decision.... none of the helps. I just want to be with him again.